Sick of the thoughts in my head

[Bo]

Every time I see my doc, I'm usually feeling good, which is a problem because he doesn't really see me at my worst. Yesterday I found myself in one of those low moments and just started typing my thoughts out. I'm just so sick of feeling the way I do. It's like this everyday and I'm just tired of it. This is the crap I typed out when it was going through my head yesterday.

The Nagging Urge to Blow my Head Off

Nagging is the best way to describe it. I can kind of relate it to trying to quit smoking. If you're a smoker trying to quit, you can be in your car with a little money in your pocket not really going out with the intention to buy a pack of smokes, but you'll have the voice in your head saying, "Hey, c'mon grab a pack, grab a pack, grab a pack, have a smoke, have a smoke, have a smoke" and you think, "No dammit I'm trying to quit, quit being such a weak willed pussy. Just make it through another day, and eventually it will go away". About half the time you will end up buying a pack. For a minute there after you buy it you have the remorse, and you tell yourself to throw the pack away. Every once in a blue moon you can throw that brand new unopened pack away, and walk away from it, losing one battle by wasting your money, but winning another by not smoking. This is a nagging urge that you can walk away from at the end of the day whether you resist it or not.

My nagging urge is the constant need to end it all and give up. For a while the thought was the usual pathetic need for help. Just take a bunch of sleeping pills, they'll throw you in a room, take your shoelaces, and you'll get a vacation and some much needed constant attention, but in the end nothing will change except people will lose respect for you because you're nothing but a lazy leaching attention *****. So what's the point of that? It won't get you anywhere but closer to rock bottom. When all is said and done, you'll be more miserable than you were before. Good luck getting anyone to take you seriously. Good luck getting a real job. Good luck with that plan you had to be a father.

Usually my nagging urge hits me when I'm alone, which is a lot lately. I'll be packing my crap up to get out of the house, and I take a moment to sit down, and I'm so patheticly depressed that I can't even move. I think to myself, "get up, quit being so ****ing lazy, you got **** to do, in fact you have more **** to do than you have time to do it. Stop this self pity bull**** and get off your ass" and then the nag comes. "Why? What's the point? So you can work hard to push through a pathetic, miserable, pointless life where nothing goes right, you never get a break, berely anyone gives a crap, and those who do care are suffering because of your pathetic self pity? Do yourself and everyone else a favor and just ****ing do it. Don't do it half ass either. Don't cut your wrists because it'll clot and you won't bleed to death, you'll just get locked up and it'll be called a cry for help. Don't use pills because sleeping pills rarely work, and you'll just end up damaging your liver or kidneys or maybe even your brain, you'll be a sickly pathetic loser. Get a rifle or something and stick it in your mouth and blow your brains out"

Of course I try to fight the urge."I can't do that, things might get better and someday I might look back at all this and think about how stupid it was. Who's going to take care of my daughter? My ex? Please. She's a walking train wreck. She'll **** that kid up but good, and blame it all on me. Besides that, I'd prefer an open casket, and I've seen pictures of people who've done that and it's awful to look at. Someone will have to pick up the slack and take care of all your crap. It also might inspire some pathetic teenager to do the same thing."

The nag comes back. "You're wasting the doc's time anyway. There are people coming back from Iraq that have a good reason to be screwed up. You're just a whiny bitch. Make some room on the schedule for someone who is worth it and may have something to live for someday. What do you care about an open casket or anything else afterwards? You'll be dead. You won't care because you won't exist. You don't believe in an afterlife anyway, so what's the point of a life well lived? No matter how much of an impression you make on the world, it won't matter in the end because you won't exist."

"I can't blow my head off. That's just not a rational act, it's one thing to put a gun in your mouth but to pull the trigger takes a lot of guts. I can't bring myself to do it."

"It's hard to bring yourself to pull a loose tooth, but you just turn off that part of your brain and just do it anyway. You can do the same thing with a rifle in your mouth, but the advantage is that you won't have to worry about the consequences because you'll be dead. With a bullet traveling past the speed of sound, and the speed that neurons relay signals, you won't hear the blast or even feel the kick of the gun because you'll already be dead"

That's true. I know I can phisically do it, it's just a matter of getting over the fear, turning of a part of your mind. "Turn off the part that cares about what happens next. You've done it before pulling teeth, jumping off a high diving board, or doing something against your morals." Sometimes it'll come to me when I'm driving and I have the urge to turn my car into a tree, that part of my mind that cares starts to turn off and I even feel my hand on the wheel starting to twitch in that direction, but that idea goes right out the window because steering into a telephone pole or a tree won't work because I might survive all screwed up and paralyzed, worse off than I was before and unable to finish myself off.

My kid's here now. It's funny how it all goes away. Maybe she's just a distraction. The wierd and maybe disturbing part is that I look at the rest of the words I just typed out a few minutes ago, and I can't relate to it. I understand what it's trying to say, and I remember typing it, but it doesn't seem like me. I'm not really thinking about my problems now. She's kind of an escape I guess. Maybe that's why I can't accomplish anything when she's around. I can't be mad at her for that though.

Looking back on what I wrote a little while ago it all seems to stupid. It's kind of like sobering up and thinking about things you did when you were drunk. The problem is that this doesn't happen because I put a bottle to my lips. It just happens when I'm alone wallowing in self pity which isn't something I really choose to do, it just happens. That's the scary part I suppose. What if someday my nagging urge wins? Part of me tells me to show it to someone, and part of me says to just keep it to myself. It's hard to bring it to someone because it's embarasing. It's embarasing for someone to see how pathetic I am from time to time. I'm really ashamed of it. If anyone does read it, it's because I had to turn off that part of my mind that cares in order to show it to them. What are the consequences of showing this to people? Public shame, regret later on, but I can walk away after this. I just don't know if I'm really winning a battle or losing one. The person who reads it will probably react one way or another. Some will give fake pity and understanding and feed me some generic bull**** from some touchy feely suicide awareness handbook, some will tell me that suicide is selfish and that I'd be hurting others, and some will feed me fake macho bull**** telling me that I'm a wuss, to shut up and do it, or that suicide is for the weak willed despite how much willpower it takes to do something like that.

Screw it. I'll show it to someone. If anything, it's an interesting read.

[interditfrere]

Is there someone you can talk to? A friend? A therapist? Someone? You really must see someone, if anything for your kid. It would be a terrible thing for that kid to not have a father.

[Shadowhawk]

Hmmm.

It's hard to figure out the right, meaningful thing to say here. Having been there myself for a while, I truly CAN tell you things DO get better.

Responsibility & duty like you mentioned are also a good deterrent. That's the last kind of trauma you'd want to inflict on your daughter after all.

To get back to the meaningful fixes though... I dunno. For me, I just truly hit rock bottom the last time & was going to drive up into the Mountains & drive my car off a cliff. I just had a moment of perfect clarity though, realized it just wasn't worth it & that I simply had to change my attitude.

Alot of prayer, faith in God & myself, and a conscious effort to really look for & expect the good in things definately helped me. It's a clich'e, but VERY true that like spiritual energies attract, so positive thoughts really do help attract better things into your life. I felt stupid at first for missing the depth of truth in something so simple, but ultimately it was more important to make the most of what I'd learned rather than beating myself up for taking so long to see it.

Another thing that really helped me was cutting back on the crap in my diet. It's amazing what your body being out of whack can do there. For me it was blood sugar being out of whack from too much cola. Made me WAY too high strung, moody & reactive. Hard to believe that was the guy you remember from before right? ROFL.

Pray if nothing else, man. Feeling that there's something bigger out there & perhaps that you're a part of it really does help.

And if worse comes to worst, swallow your pride & get some professional help. Your daughter needs you, esp if your ex is as screwed up as you've said.

[kellet]

Betty, I do the same thing - play it up to my pdoc like I'm doing just great, because I'm ashamed of what I'm actually going through. I know this is not the way to get help, but I cant be completely honest with her, it's like I want her to have a good opinion of me so I can't tell her what's really going on. If I knew how to get past that I would. Have you considered showing these notes to your doc? They can't help you if they don't have the full picture.

[Bo]

Yeah, that was kind of the idea when I was typing it out.

[boedicca]

Betty, sweetie - what you are going through is a perfectly normal part of going through a divorce. It is very typical to have severe emotional swings (especially the low ones). I highly recommend the very excellent book "Crazy Time". It is a quick read - and contains many personal anecdotes of how people have reacted to divorce. Most of what you are feeling will pass as you go through the adjustment process and rebuild your life. You are just needing to purge all the negativity right now.

[SecretSamadhi]

Betty, reading this is like looking through old journal entries, without having a child as a motivation to fight through the depression.

I don't know you very well, but you sound like a genuinely nice, sensitive guy. I know it doesn't help to hear it now, but time can do so much to heal. Its been almost 13 years since I've been as down as you seem to be... and if I can be of ANY help, please don't hesitiate to shoot me a PM.

You can do this.

[smalltown_honey]

Betty I have to say the same thing. It will get better but you have to do it for yourself. Yes your daughter needs you in her life. You want to be there for her and show her support when shes older and needs it. The main thing you need to do is get out of the house. Get outdoors. That helps more than anything. Being in a house and looking at 4 walls will drive you insane and you cant help but get depressed in there. I say too....check your diet and start doing some kind of exercise it works good for depression , if nothing more than getting out of the house and going for a brisk walk. I do think you should take those notes with you to the doctor and show them. Main thing....dont do something stupid. You have no idea how many people really care about you. I just lost a very close friend of mine less than a month ago. He committed suicide and I think he didnt have a clue as to how many people really loved and respected him and how his death affected all of us. If you want to talk just PM me and I will do what I can for you. Just try to find a bright side of things.

[Spazola]

All I can tell you is that I know what you're talking about (of course, I'm just "some pathetic teenager", but wtf ever ), and all you can do is keep the people who care about you close, and try to show this to your doctor. You have a beautiful daughter, who I'm sure loves you very much. She needs you to be here for her, not just now, but in the future; she'll need your comfort on the first day of school, to cuddle her when she has a bad dream, to let her cry on you when she has her first fight with a good friend, and to offer to kick some little punk's ass when she goes through her first break up.
You're trying, and that alone shows amazing courage. I admire that.

[Pappy&Me]

Sorry your feeling so bad . I know how you feel because I have felt this way at times over the years . Only time will heal this .

I tried suicide twice . And both times woke up in worse condition , thought I even couldn't do that right ! So I don't push my luck anymore . if I tried to blow my brains out , I could become the only person in history to live with half a head . .

God grant me the serenety to accept the things I can't change , to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference . My daughter gave this plaque to me years ago . This short phrase pretty much covers it .

Also you always have your cyber buddies here .

[oki]

youre just trying to get away from the pain. if you want a life, and I think you do wan that, face it, suffer tremedously, it will last long, and feel like it will never be okay again.
make a choice. its the only way to clean yourself. and if your messd up thoughts torment you, then dont run or tell yourself stories to make you feel better, but break down and cry. in the end its all about greef, not about anger or whether youre a wuss or not.

[interditfrere]

Originally Posted by Betty

Every time I see my doc, I'm usually feeling good, which is a problem because he doesn't really see me at my worst. Yesterday I found myself in one of those low moments and just started typing my thoughts out. I'm just so sick of feeling the way I do. It's like this everyday and I'm just tired of it. This is the crap I typed out when it was going through my head yesterday.

Think what you want of me, DA. Think I'm crazy, think I'm worthless. If I hadn't been looking at this site I would never have known that Bodil is in need. I could never forgive myself if I knowingly stood by and let you do something to yourself. None of the people that post here are of any help to you, but I am. I won't let you do it. For you, whether it destroys our friendship or not, maybe someday you'll thanks me. For your kid. Even for your ex-wife Sabrina whom I used to be good friends with. You must get help. You must. The fact that you posted this stuff on this site with a bunch of unknowns, most of whom could care less about you shows that the help you need is lacking. I may be on the other side of the world, but I will help you.

Adios, DA (until next time, if I'm bored enough and stumble upon a friend in need. Until the next incarnation.)

[Myrddin]

Maybe you are bipolar. You should get checked out for it.

[Bo]

nah, I'm not bipolar. Bipolars have upswings. I'm just miserable, lonely, and dissapointed at how my life has turned out.

[Myrddin]

Originally Posted by Betty

nah, I'm not bipolar. Bipolars have upswings. I'm just miserable, lonely, and dissapointed at how my life has turned out.

Sometimes I have those feelings, but with life I have the ability to experience things and to think. A rock cannot do this.
A dog cannot philosophise, I can. My potential is greater than his, as is yours.

I don't really agree with your politics but you seem like a nice guy.

[86Dude]

Betty needs meds. The kind of stuff Tom Cruise throws fits about. It's perfectly normal.

[Pappy&Me]

Originally Posted by 86Dude

Betty needs meds. The kind of stuff Tom Cruise throws fits about. It's perfectly normal.

Thats because Tom can use sex with hollyhood sluts to ease his nerves . No telling how many DVDs he's caught and given . He needs some ' salt peter ' .

[boedicca]

Originally Posted by Pappy&Me

Thats because Tom can use sex with hollyhood sluts to ease his nerves . No telling how many DVDs he's caught and given . He needs some ' salt peter ' .

Friends don't give friends Tom Cruise DVDs.

[Java_man]

This DVD epidemic must be stopped NOW dammit

[fat mike]

P&M pwned us all again!