Best & Worst Holiday Season Ever

[Shadowhawk]

Well, I have to say the last few weeks have been enlightening if nothing else...

Being back in California & all that entails has been a bit of a PITA the last few months... Higher costs of EVERYTHING, long commute, etc... My parents have been a bit of a pain too, but I'd figured they'd changed enough after 16 years where I could blow off the rough spots.

Christmas was a REAL eye opener though... My brother & I decided shortly before Thanksgiving that we were going to go WAY out on a limb (financially) this year & build my parents a new PC for Christmas. All we'd heard for the last few years is slow their current POS was & that they hated using it. It literally did take 3 or 4 minutes to boot up also & almost 1/2 as long afterwards for the DSL to connect. So we set out to build them something that actually didn't suck to use.

We didn't go top of the line (they'd never have a need for that much machine), but it's still fairly high end. We dropped over $1000 into it between parts & a new copy of XP. The man hours included standing out in the rain for over 2 hrs early the morning after Thanksgiving waiting to get into Fry's & more than a few work nights w/o sleep trying to get everything right.

The net result of our efforts & generousity was to get spit on by both of them. Mommy dearest decided immediately that it wasn't something she wanted & therefore was only for my step-dad. She's puted & bitched the entire time simce Christmas also & has my step-dad bitch us out also. They even bullied & emotionally blackmailed my brother into going out & spending another $100 on another gift for my mom & driving a 3 hr round trip in the rain on a work day to deliver it.

So what made it also a best Christmas ever? The lessons learned from it & my past the last few years. I spent most of my life feeling like crap because nothing I ever did was good enough for mommy dearest. After I had enough years ago & broke off contact, I tried to fix those issues & seek validation by going way out of my way to help "friends" like Karen who only used me & treated me just as badly. I also stayed in a marriage for 14 years or so that never should have happened in the first place.

SO, now I'm doing what I know is morally & spiritually right, and I refuse to get beat up & abused anymore if it's not good enough for some unappreciative braying jackass. Case & point with the present; I spent ALOT of time & money on a gift that I had every reasonable expectation they'd both use. If that's not good enough for them, too bad.

It's been a miserable few weeks in alot of ways, but I feel alot better about myself & life from it. I'm looking forward to a much happier new year also, no matter what it brings with my parents.

[kellet]

Sounds like something my mom would do, although she's been better recently. I'm sorry. Just try to remember that if your mom wants to be miserable and hyper-critical, that is her responsibility and not yours. You don't need her approval anymore.

[Shadowhawk]

Thanks Kellet.

What you said is exactly the lesson I did finally TRULY ingrain over the holidays. You just stated it better than me, LOL. It was a very, very long time coming & a slow process, since this has been going on my entire life.

I truly feel a million times better though. I've finally accepted that there are some people out there that can never be made happy. Also that they're never worth letting get to you & generate negative emotions. As long as I'm doing what's right for myself & others, it's all good.


Hope things work out with your mom too.

[Misteria]

sounds like my mom and believe me she is a difficult woman to bloody please ........ dont know what else to say but thought you might like to know your not alone.
Happy New year anyways

[Shadowhawk]

Thanks Anrora

Yeah it does sort of help to know I'm not alone in it. I already took the most important lessons I could from it however:

1) Some people can NEVER be made happy no matter what (so just do your best & don't torture yourself over the rest)

2) Those people only TRULY win if you let them turn you into the monster they try to paint you as.

Truly accepting that second part has REALLY helped. I used to be someone who'd charge in with all manner of righteous indignation over something like this (ask any old school DA'er, LOL). But the fault is with them, not us & we only lose if we let them yank our chains & turn us into monsters just like them. I still stand up for what's right, but I look for much more calm & constructive ways to do it.

Hope that helps you some as well. Love the avatar too, but I'm naturally drawn to all things mystical.

[Misteria]

Originally Posted by Shadowhawk

Thanks Anrora

Yeah it does sort of help to know I'm not alone in it. I already took the most important lessons I could from it however:

1) Some people can NEVER be made happy no matter what (so just do your best & don't torture yourself over the rest)

2) Those people only TRULY win if you let them turn you into the monster they try to paint you as.

Truly accepting that second part has REALLY helped. I used to be someone who'd charge in with all manner of righteous indignation over something like this (ask any old school DA'er, LOL). But the fault is with them, not us & we only lose if we let them yank our chains & turn us into monsters just like them. I still stand up for what's right, but I look for much more calm & constructive ways to do it.

I once had such a terrible argument with her i started to vomit and i bled and i miscarried.
She also did same to my older sister.
My mom wont admit she treated me like dirt that day
anyways its in the past and it made me see her for the first time in my life for the kind of person she is, selfish and now she is old i havent the heart to tell her off and simply visit once a year or so and be nice to her.

Hope that helps you some as well. Love the avatar too, but I'm naturally drawn to all things mystical.

thanks!

[Robin ®]

Originally Posted by Shadowhawk

Thanks Anrora

Yeah it does sort of help to know I'm not alone in it. I already took the most important lessons I could from it however:

1) Some people can NEVER be made happy no matter what (so just do your best & don't torture yourself over the rest)

2) Those people only TRULY win if you let them turn you into the monster they try to paint you as.

Truly accepting that second part has REALLY helped. I used to be someone who'd charge in with all manner of righteous indignation over something like this (ask any old school DA'er, LOL). But the fault is with them, not us & we only lose if we let them yank our chains & turn us into monsters just like them. I still stand up for what's right, but I look for much more calm & constructive ways to do it.

Hope that helps you some as well. Love the avatar too, but I'm naturally drawn to all things mystical.

You know the hell I went through .... what you said here is something I need to take to heart. I'm still dealing with a last little bit of "backlash" from those dark years.

[Mr. Know It All]

That sounds horrible. Nothing worse than unappreciative parents.

Can I adopt you?

[Shadowhawk]

Heh, Anrora's mother definately takes the scum award here. Provoking a miscarriage is lower than low.

That said, I posted this morning about all of this in my LJ. First post in 2 months also, heh. Nobody reads it though, so no big. Said update recaps my coming to terms with quite a bit of anger I'd buried about mommy dearest & how the last week or two have been a real up & down despite my best efforts & sincere desire to move on.

ANYHOO, here's a cut & paste of it:

So here I sit back up at the "fortress of solitude" as I've come to think of my grandparents' house... Funny though that I have to leave here for my brother's apartment to get any real peace sometimes, LOL. DA note; parents live 6 miles away from this house

Well, it's been a good while since I updated. That usually happens when things get crazy. November was 1/2 way decent. Thanksgiving went OK. Shopping the day after almost got a Fry's Electronics department head strangled (figuratively!!!) though. Long story not worth repeating. Suffice it to say I have NEVER seen or dealt with anybody so blatently rude or outright hostile for no damned reason to customers. I'm trying to have him fired.

The REAL drama started Christmas morning... I already put that story in DA. I can't believe my mom would spit on a compute as a present like that & then launch into a stream of personal attacks & drama that have yet to end. I think what set me off even more than the PC itself was the way a couple days after Christmas, she had my step-dad call up my brother & parrot her brow-beating, abuse & emotional blackmail till my brother went out & bought a necklace & Macy's gift card for her, then drove almost 3 hrs round trip in the rain on a day where he had to work that night to deliver it to her.

Even her reaction to THAT was ****ty! She called my brother afterwards & left a message on his machine saying she liked it, but that he didn't have to do that (hence the badgering right??? ) & then went into another tirade about how she was hurt by the computer, etc... Always a victim & nothing is good enough. *rolleyes*

From there, I decided to get involved. First I had to talk my brother out of outright cutting my parents out of his life. THEN I wrote a VERY polite, caring letter to my mom urging her to remeber that it's the thought that is supposed to count regarding a present, that we had gone WAY out of our way in time & money to provide an extravigant gift, and that life, as well as any incident in it, could be as good or bad as we chose to make it in our minds (something my history & failings with Karen made very clear). I wrapped it up by reminding her she had family that loved her & that she'd be much happier looking for the joy in life. I left the note on their kitchen table.

Her reaction to THAT??? I got a nastygram on my phone telling me that she didn't want any more "Epistles" left for her & that if I had a problem, I needed to come over there & talk to them directly (so they could have a 2 on 1 Rob bashing fest). MY reacton to THAT was to leave a copy of Dr Laura's new book "Bad Childhood, Good Life" on her doorstep along with a note saying I refused to have any face to face talks as long as I was going to be constantly attacked & held up to everybody as an example of all that's wrong with the world. I've got a message on my machine waiting for me after spending the last two days at my brother's place. I just don't feel like playing it though. Maybe I'll feel different after some sleep.

So it's been a heck of a couple of weeks... I've peeled another layer off the onion (so to speak) with my healing, and realized just how much bitterness & outright rage I was still carrying buried deep down inside me. This same "nothing I do is good enough & everything is wrong and / or a deliberate effort to hurt her" crap is the same thing that ruined my childhood & pushed me into isolation for 16 years. It damaged my spirit & left me vulnerable to the emotional rape I suffered from Nina & her cruel games during & after our breakup, and so convinced that everything was my fault in life that I stayed in a HORRIBLE marriage for 13 years, torturing myself over how to change what couldn't be changed.

I allowed the insecurities, guilt & need to be perfect that she burdened me with damage several friendships alot the way too. Who knows how much different any of them could have turned out otherwise. She ruined my life & expects a pass on the past while still continuing to repeat it & wallowing in her own victimhood over how my grandmother supposedly treated her.

Well, being a good little merry Christian, I'd buried ALOT of that hurt & outright rage over the years. I never realized how much till recently either. After all, a good person is supposed to forgive & be understanding, etc... And let's face it, clearly the girl has SERIOUS issues, LOL. I've spent the last week or so alternating between wanting to put my fist through something & trying to let it all go. Dr Laura's book really helped in that regard though. She pointed out that victims like me have every right to justifibly feel hurt & angry over this sort of thing, esp from a parent who's supposed to love & nurture you. HOWEVER, the choice between victor & victim is what you do with it.

You can bury or deny it, like I & others I know & have tried to befriend have. Then it just pops up in other weird ways, ruining other relationships. You can wallow in your victimhood & inflict misery on everybody around you like mommy dearest has, going from abused to abuser, OR you can take the Victor's way out...

Acknowledge your feelings, accept that you have a legitimate right to them, THEN put them in their proper place & focus instead on building the life you want for yourself. Dwell on the past or focus on the future... Whine about bad relationships, or enjoy the good ones, and add more to that list. It puts YOU back in charge of your life instead of letting that old crappy programming dictate your choices & behavior. Between all of that & the realizations I posted at DA about never being able to make some people happy, etc... I think I FINALLY made the breakthrough tonight where I've got genuine deep peace & true control of my own life. I'm beyond letting her make me a victim anymore.

I'm still going thru periods of annoyance about her, but it's no longer this huge heavy darkness weighing me down inside that I didn't even truly realize was there.

Oh, and the music selection ('Get Over It' by The Eagles for you at DA) of the day is for her, LOL.


So any of the few remaining old guard DA'ers here starting to see why I used to be so high strung? Combine THAT with my ex & stuff & it's a wonder I'm sane at all.

[Misteria]

Time heals all as i learnt to overcome my bitterness and anger it has made me stronger to face my battles. As for my mum its all in the past and have forgiven her now, best for me to move on.
Keep strong Shadow

[Adi]

Anrora im shocked,if it were me I know I would have stopped speaking to her then and there. So its great that you have forgiven her and all is well.

[Shadowhawk]

I'm always strong, LOL. You'd be amazed at some of the emotional beatings I've taken in the past, often many at the same time from various sources.

I used to rant & tirade about it, but this is as close as I get now. Just needed to blow off a little steam to help release that pent up anger that was hidden away.

There's usually multiple layers to healing, but as long as you stay focused on building a better life instead of wallowing in victimhood, you always grow & become even stronger.

[Shadowhawk]

HAH!!! VICTORY!!!

It's both a good & bad thing that I'm one of those people that has to truly understand something like this to be able to completely release it...


It all makes perfect sense now. The war may or may not be over, but she just lost ALL ammo & control over me.
So did another mudslinger who's motivations are now so fully clear unto me.

[Robin ®]

::BigThumbsUp:: my friend.

How can the war NOT be over if she is out of ammo and no longer has any control over you? Sounds to me like you have finally won. ...