Rules of the Road

[FallenAngel]

in the Washington DC Metro Area

First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or the District". Only tourists call it Washington.

Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.

All directions start with "The Beltway"...which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and "outer loop" designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Beltway.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1PM to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English.)

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate," but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park". If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning. All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.

Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.

If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, you must know how to speak Spanish. In Annandale, a Cambodian or Vietnamese dialect will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, a gay dialect helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast... well just don't.

A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand) Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more frightening than
seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.

The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.

The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.

If it's 10 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's the Skins opening day.

If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June, July, August and sometimes September.

If you go to a Skins football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the stadium lot. It's cheaper then getting towed or a citation. By law, you're not allowed to walk on the "public" roads around the stadium during game days.



These were great and oh so true

[Midnight]

Oh man, these are all sadly true.

[h2g2Fan]

h to the izzo
v to the izzay

[axoangelq]

17 Basic Rules for driving in the Chicago Area:


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A right lane constrution closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels.

Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance: he might not have much to lose; you do.)

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up.

The electronic traffic warning sysem signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make Chicago look progressive.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our city look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown Chicago.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged. (The proceeds of such ventures are vested directly into Daly's campaign for Mayor.)

Learn to swerve abruptly. The Chicago area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to IDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drives' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

All unmarked exits lead to the projects.

there are two seasons in Chicago, winter and constuction. So be prepared!