My best friend's girlfriend

[SpabSFW]

As some of you know, my best friend and I recently took a house together.

He has a girlfriend who abandoned her children a few years ago and has recently been allowed by her ex-husband to have them visit her.

The children are adorable, 6 and 8, sweet-natured, bright, fun and thoroughly enjoyable. And we have now had them for 1 day visit and 2 overnights.

Note I say we and I mean really here... me.

For those who may be asking why on earth the visits from Laura's children would affect me at all, I respond... that's a good question.

It was the slippery slope thing, starting with the first visit, when Laura decided she couldn't be bothered to entertain them, to financially provide anything that might entertain them, or to cook or clean up after them.

She is, oddly, very keen on jumping back into mothering by enforcing discipline, having expressed concern about them growing up to be useful members of society.

These children are both being treated for ADD and her idea of mothering is sitting around with her in her bedroom watching her choices of television while they sit around with her telling her how much they have missed her.

This, my friends, is where I step in.

I offer you the last weekend visit we had a few weeks ago. I went out to rent her children a movie at 10ish, "Finding Nemo" and by the time I got back half an hour later, all three of them were crying at the dining room table - both kids and Laura. The children didn't realize I would be back and didn't want to stay over anymore, both were stating they felt bad (one really did have a low temp, the other followed suit not to be left out) and Laura was crying because she didn't know what to do.

So, I offered the instant cure, chicken soup for the 6 year old, motrin and chicken soup for the 8 year old with the low temp and dealing with a hysterical Laura. I offered them the option of going home if they wanted to, they no longer did.

Her daughter wanted to stay upstairs with me, so we brought up an air mattress bed and put it in my reading room where I watched over her fever off and on while she slept until 4 a.m.

Now for Christmas, I was informed I might or might not have 6 extra people. Laura's kids and also her ex-husband, his new girlfriend and her two kids she gets for occasional visits. I have had this batch before and they are actually lovely people, however I still fail to see why it is falling on me to cook for them, entertain them and clean up after them even on those previous occasions.

Finally two days before Christmas I altered my menu to accomodate them and bought the extra food. The day before Christma I find out we will only have the children. Whatever.

Ok.

So Christmas eve afternoon comes and her children arrive. Her oldest bounds up the stairs to find me where I am organizing to cook for Christmas, and also cleaning. I'm an oddly focused person and I get annoyed when I'm not able to do things I'm trying to acheive. However, her kids are so nifty and so appealling I dispel any attempts to clean, blow off pre-cooking anything and spend time with the kids who are bored spitless because Laura has shut herself in her room.

I entertain them all afternoon until about 9:30 at which point I go upstairs and clean up the kitchen where Laura had decided early that morning to make her own stuffing (using 4 chicken quarters from the freezer I had bought for supper to make stock with), and had then gotten bored and decided not to finish leaving me with one hell of a mess involving several pots (which I needed to make the meal the next day) and dishes and a bunch of useless partially cooked food.

Additionally I got to clean up where I had fixed their supper, something she wouldn't do and I felt compelled to after I noticed them eating their third ice-creams in a row and realized they were hungry and nobody would make them anything.

She had come out briefly for the night before for one present opening, but y'all care to take a guess which one helped play with them with those toys (toys bought by my best friend by the way, not her as the tiny amount of money she had come into before Christmas went to buy herself pot.)?

She gave them their medications after I came upstairs at 9:30, they were asleep by 10.

Apparently sitting in her room listening to me feed, talk to and play with her kidz was so stressful for her she couldn't wait to get high. When I went to check on my laundry in the laundry room it was filled with pot smoke so heavy I could claim a contact high and I don't smoke pot. The laundry room is right next to the downstairs bathroom and THAT is where she chose to get high, leaving the only downstairs bathroom full of pot smoke for her 6 and 8 year old to stagger into and my 14 year old son as well.

Throw in (since) this IS the whines forum, that this person does not clean, does not work and although she is personable, I resent sharing bills with Stan to support her 300 pounds ass while I also get to play not only maid, cleaning up behind her, but now also nanny for her children's visits.

The truth is I got and imagine I would continue to get a great deal of joy out of her kids. Her ex-husband is apparently quite a good father. The kids are sweet, polite, clearly well-fed and healthy and with good self-esteems, and they do well in school. The kids are precious and I'm delighted they like me - it's quite fun to have little ones around again. I love children and I get a lot of satisfaction from being special to them.

BUT

Heh, these aren't my kids. Laura isn't abusive to them, but her utter indifference to them makes me want to throw up. She is trying to see about getting them for the three summer months. I have no idea why as I do know if I'm living here it will be on me and if I'm not, they will be miserable.

One could say that by filling in for Laura's role with her children I'm enabling her bad behavior. Certainly that's true. If this were dishes (and I've tried leaving dishes for 4-5 days for her - it doesn't work) I could agree that I'm digging my own hole with this. But it's not dishes, it's kids. These are dependent living breathing human beings who need adult supervision and to be cooked for and taken care of when they are sick. I don't think I have the stomach to just 'let it be her business'. Any advice?

[loudin1]

spab you are doing a great thing by look after those kids. I used to do wxactly what you are saying because my mother was that way. The best advice i can give, is to keep doing what you are doing, but do say something to their mother, or even better, say something to their father. Its good that somebody is looking after those kids, and they will remember you for it.

[SpabSFW]

Originally posted by loudin1
spab you are doing a great thing by look after those kids. I used to do wxactly what you are saying because my mother was that way. The best advice i can give, is to keep doing what you are doing, but do say something to their mother, or even better, say something to their father. Its good that somebody is looking after those kids, and they will remember you for it.

Thx Loudin1, but just to say I'm considering whether the illusion of "visiting mom" might have some importance to them - as Rhett Butler said, even a bad mom is better than no mom at all, and I actually do enjoy them so filling in for her responsibilities isn't like torture. I suspect it will come down to dealing with my resentment over the situation but even if I do overcome it, it still won't make her behavior correct.

[loudin1]

no it won't make what she does correct. nothing will until she snaps back to reality and realizes that she has children. I know this situation all to well, and i can tell you that those kids are better off with you there

[buggy]

While it's fun to be good to children, technically, it's not your place. It is of course, a sort of 'duty' we have to be decent to humans. It's also not your place to talk to the father of these children, but it does sound like that would be better for them in the long run. The mother sounds like a waste of human space, what is going to happen when someone like you isn't around and she has them for long periods of time?

If I was the kid in this situation, I would be grateful that someone stepped in before the person who gave birth to me was allowed to damage me emotionally. I am not a very intrusive person, but I don't like to patch things with bandages, I like long term solutions. Especially when it involves the welfare of people who cannot really fend for themselves.

[Horse_weed]

That mother is an example of what is wrong with society. I think you should testify to the courts that she isn't a responsible person (she won't change!) before she gets a chance to damage her children.

[oki]

you should talk to her and to your friend as well.its redicyulous she does this.it might give you fun,but thats not the point.she's sitting inthere letting you handle her kids.she eighter thinks,well,that convenient,now I dont have to do anything,or she's ignorant about them,not realising she SHOULD do anything,or she's just scared and doesnt know how.in all these possibilities you should talk to her.she needs to become a mother if she wants to have her kids over.if she learns the kids will still be there and you cna have more fun without irritation.

[SpabSFW]

Originally posted by buggy
While it's fun to be good to children, technically, it's not your place. It is of course, a sort of 'duty' we have to be decent to humans. It's also not your place to talk to the father of these children, but it does sound like that would be better for them in the long run. The mother sounds like a waste of human space, what is going to happen when someone like you isn't around and she has them for long periods of time?

She is (a waste of oxygen) in my opinion. What my best friend sees in her is beyond me, but it's his business, not mine (at least until now and where it affects me directly).

I think I've been blessed that their father is a good parent because if their home parent was awful it would be like being stuck in quicksand, the amount of obligation I'd feel. Thankfully that situation doesn't exist.

I've debated back and forth about talking to him, either now or later if I move out, but I'm undecided.

I'm leaning towards staying out of it and when I move out, I imagine they will tell their father if their future visits are unpleasant and he will stop them.

He IS very protective of them and rightfully so and up until I moved in with Stan and Laura they haven't been allowed to visit without his presence. I believe it is his estimation of my capacity to keep his children safe and attended to that is allowing for these current visits which is both quite the compliment and yet a bit annoying. Again, it's boundary issues.

Stan, my best friend, is a terrific person and great with kids, but he works a lot. I don't think he can fill in enough to take my place.

Stan frankly is the reason Laura has been pushing for this visitation. She believes (correctly) that it impresses him to think she cares about her children. He cannot conceive of any mother not willing to prioritize their children and chooses to believe her spoken "love" for them, despite evidence to the contrary -- her entire history with them that goes back to before she left, how she left, after she left and her behavior now.

Plus, like me, he just adores having kids around.

Originally posted by buggy
If I was the kid in this situation, I would be grateful that someone stepped in before the person who gave birth to me was allowed to damage me emotionally. I am not a very intrusive person, but I don't like to patch things with bandages, I like long term solutions. Especially when it involves the welfare of people who cannot really fend for themselves.

I think where it involves me I have to realize I can't fix everything and I need to try to set appropriate boundaries. They are neat though.

Her oldest just called. They want to stay here with us until the 1st so looks like I'll have to set those boundaries some other time.

On the plus side, I put a bug in Stan's ear on Laura's inside dope use and he got on to her about that, and also made her do some cleaning. She's very pissed off.

Originally posted by Horse_weed
That mother is an example of what is wrong with society. I think you should testify to the courts that she isn't a responsible person (she won't change!) before she gets a chance to damage her children.

She doesn't have custody, or any legal visitation and isn't likely to due to a history of not working and a couple of terms in prison. On the offchance that she files for it, I would testify against it as an outside observer. I doubt sincerely she will go that far and I have already talked to Stan about not encouraging her to do this. Those kids are happy and healthy with their father. Attempting to gain custody to satisfy "how it looks to others" would be doing them a grave disservice and I basically told him she isn't anyone's mother and to leave it alone. I think he gets it.

[SpabSFW]

Originally posted by oki
you should talk to her and to your friend as well.its redicyulous she does this.it might give you fun,but thats not the point.she's sitting inthere letting you handle her kids.she eighter thinks,well,that convenient,now I dont have to do anything,or she's ignorant about them,not realising she SHOULD do anything,or she's just scared and doesnt know how.in all these possibilities you should talk to her.she needs to become a mother if she wants to have her kids over.if she learns the kids will still be there and you cna have more fun without irritation.

Oki, my take is she just can't be bothered. She wants the appearance of being a good mother, but she wants it without taking the steps to actually be one. It's not hate, it's not abuse, it's just a self-centeredness that is so extraordinary that it touches every aspect of her life to include parenting.

I've rarely seen a person so completely lazy they would flat out die if someone didn't take care of them.

Stan found her homeless, living in a laundry and with no personal possessions including food a couple of years ago. Apparently she had burned out all her prior friends and to this day still can't be bothered to work. He took her in on a temporary basis because he is just the kind of person who helps everyone and she latched on to him and simply won't leave. I suspect her utter (assumed) helplessness appeals to his paternal instincts.

[Unrepresented]

I have nothing worthwhile to add, other than to say that this is not nearly as pleasant as the Cars song of a similar name.

[SpabSFW]

Heh, update on whether they are coming today to stay until the 1st.

Doesn't look like it.

Stan and I had been cleaining the house, Laura had already taken off to her room crying about being made to clean so she was downstairs hiding in her room.

I had to go down to get the vacuum and she was on the phone and I caught part of the conversation. She seemed to be hitting her ex-husband for money to keep the kids until the first. At any rate, I didn't stand around listening to the whole half of the conversation I could hear, so I don't know for sure, but they called back 15 minutes later and cancelled the visit.

This is Laura. Her children's visit represented to her only an oppotunity to ask for money from yet another source to increase her pot stash. Stan would have been appalled if he'd heard what I did and I myself find my loathing for her at an all time high. I've never heard of someone demanding money in order to have their children come to stay over. I suppose one could consider her quite the capitalist. She spied an opportunity and nomatter how stomach-turning, she jumped on it.

Puke.

Her ex, by the way, is physically disabled and his new girlfriend works at some low-level service job and they have the kids, so anything coming out of that household comes out of the kids' mouths.

Anyway, her ex knows her pretty well, he WAS married to her and he just plain cancelled the visit.

[colonel]

The world needs more Spab!

I can't really add much either except to say that those kids are so very lucky to have you around.

[JoeyNormal]

The solution is obvious: Elope with this "Stan" and the kids. You know you want to.

[Terrapin]

Originally posted by colonel
The world needs more Spab!

I can't really add much either except to say that those kids are so very lucky to have you around.

my thoughts exactly....

[SpabSFW]

Originally posted by colonel
The world needs more Spab!

I can't really add much either except to say that those kids are so very lucky to have you around.

Originally posted by Terrapin


my thoughts exactly....

Aw you guyz...

Originally posted by JoeyNormal
The solution is obvious: Elope with this "Stan" and the kids. You know you want to.

Doubtful. We've been best friends for 14 years and if it was going to go like that it would have by now. But nice try!


Hahaha, new addition, this is how slick she is, she hit both sides of the fence. She told Stan they wanted money from him to fix their car, she was shooting for $140. Nice little hit if she had got it, huh! Anyway, he said no and she told him THAT was the reason they cancelled the visit, as retribution.

If her plan had come through she would have gained whatever little bit she could have got from her ex AND $140 from Stan, a good haul. I suppose she had nothing to lose and quite a bit to gain, but she failed, both counts.

[coral100cor]

Hi Spabby

I want a roommate like you...

[SpabSFW]

Originally posted by coral100cor
Hi Spabby

I want a roommate like you...

So do I !

hehehe Good morning Coral!

j

[coral100cor]

Hi Spabby

I mean it - i"m in another work/children crisis.

[SpabSFW]

Originally posted by coral100cor
Hi Spabby

I mean it - i"m in another work/children crisis.

I am working up to doing a similar thing here, on layman's level. They have a long-term volunteer program for children's advocates to find resources, make appointments and appear with children in court for domestic abuse issues.

My therapist thought I would do well with this program when I get better boudaries. She was afraid I would attach too much and that if something went wrong and my child was returned to abusive parents and killed my reactions might be unpredictable.

http://www.childadvocates.org/Impact...dadvocates.htm

I actually kept a child with reactive attachment disorder for two years and it was horrible to have to let him go. As he aged from 12 to 14 his acting out became so severe it was damaging to the children I had brought into the world and owed my primary responsibility to. But I still miss him. I'll try to remember to send you a picture of our family including Daniel in email, from that time. You may have to remind me.

It's a good program though, the advocacy. Perhaps some DAers might be interested. I'll try to run some information in Issues forum later.

I'm rather busy right now, I got the kids! (Laura's) for overnight and also two of Stan's nephews for the weekend. We've been making creative projects and we're all glue all over.

[oki]

okay didnt mean to tell you what to do like that..
just that I probebly wouldnt keep that situation up without lots of irritation.allso dont get what your friends thinking..