Funny Jewish Humor

[Scott]

HOLIDAY DISTINCTIONS FINALLY EXPLAINED (from a Jewish perspective...)
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> >
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> > 1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December
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> > 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid
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> > day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese
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> > food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It
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> > starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever
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> > that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until
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> > a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing
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> > us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots.
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> > We all have the same calendar, provided free with a
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> > donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the
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> > kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel
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> > (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
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> >
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> > 2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor
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> > holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays.
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> > They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
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> >
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> > 3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry,
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> > perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such
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> > as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the
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> > Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
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> >
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> > 4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one
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> > can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka,
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> > Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.
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> >
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> > 5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands
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> > and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts.
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> > Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects
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> > a diamond ring on Chanukah.
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> >
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> > 6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles
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> > are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous
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> > electric bills, but we get to feel good about not
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> > contributing to the energy crisis.
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> >
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> > 8. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come
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> > O Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels
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> > made from clay or having a party and dancing the
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> > horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of
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> > the beautiful carols were composed and written by our
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> > tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil
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> > Diamond sing them beautifully?
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> >
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> > 9. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful.
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> > The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy
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> > people are gathered around in festive moods.
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> > A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and
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> > onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people
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> > all talking at once.
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> >
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> > 10. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women
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> > burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes
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> > and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of
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> > our suffering through the ages.
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> >
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> > 11. Parents deliver to their children during
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> > Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about
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> > withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
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> >
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> > 12. The players in the Christmas story have easy to
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> > pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The
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> > players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah
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> > Maccabee, and Matta-whatever. No one can spell it or
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> > pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our
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> > friends anything we make up, and they believe we are wonderfully
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> > versed in our history.
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> >
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> > 13. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews
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> > think, "Joseph, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is
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> > pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want
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> > to blame G-d. Here's the number of my shrink".
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> >
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> > 14. In recent years, Christmas has become more and
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> > more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah,
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> > even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How
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> > could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur?
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> > Forget about celebrating - think observing. Come to synagogue, starve
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> > yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your
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> > chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your
family.
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> > Not a likely marketing goal for Hallmark...
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