Fifteen Ways to Avoid a Southern Ass Whuppin

[Geoffrey]

Fifteen Ways to Avoid a Southern Ass Whuppin...Issued by the Southern
Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something
they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray,
Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we
will
just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper,
7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can
lead to
an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,
Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot
nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner

Broadcasting, Home Depot, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes,
have
small lapses in judgment (e.g.Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't
care
if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to
our
state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we
would
kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet
and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the
middle,
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit
Stone
Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
Just
spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.


8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy.
And
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
get
your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know

better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta
is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and
that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your
ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic
beauty,
we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little

gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass
just
like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the

countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,

smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun
of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
to
cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).

You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue,
and
you will go home in a pine box.. . .minus your ass.

Sincerely,

[QtrHrsmn]

The funny part is.... it's all true.

[Geoffrey]

Originally posted by QtrHrsmn
The funny part is.... it's all true.

that's right.. if you don't believe, we will kick your ass

[Shogun]

The only way I'd avoid a "Southern a$$ whuppin'" is by opening a can myself.

CA style. hehe

[Redfield]

Originally posted by Shogun
The only way I'd avoid a "Southern a$$ whuppin'" is by opening a can myself CA style.

BOO-YA!!!




Y'all!

[TryckPony]

Kraw..Ya forgot ta mention...Don't run over our alligators on the highways...we like our green road-rash lizards, don't question the percentages of tea verses sugar,in sweet tea, and crappy is not the size, shape or condition of A fish..It is a fish.

[DaOgre]

mmmm cracker barrell...now Im hungry all over again

[Ponycar_302]

They have ass whoopins down south? Whoda thunk it?

[QtrHrsmn]

Originally posted by Ponycar_302
They have ass whoopins down south? Whoda thunk it?

I think there's one heading your way, Glen... I just read your new sig...

[Ponycar_302]

LOL....Yeah, I forget which thread I found it on.

[ResidentRice]

Southerners are so uptight. Chill out, come to California and smoke some ganja.

[Lateralis]

There's plenty of ganja in the south!

I love this article, it's so true. hehe.

[Griff]

So, when ya'll say "next", is it the one coming up or the one after that?

We used to live near Stone Mountain. People would ask for directions. We’d say:
"Go up Concrete Highway about 6 miles until you get to Water Lake. On your left will be Tree Forest. Take the next road. Stone Mountain's on the right, can't miss it."