Divorce question

Often when I hear about a nasty divorce online and sometimes offline with family,friends and co-workers. I hear the same type of gory details about the "other" spouse's behavior. The wives or husbands often sound like monsters, jerks, morons, abusers, drunks and on and on.

The question I often ask is this:

Did he/she change that much or did you fall in love with this awful person?

My husband is the same man I met so long ago. He has the same irritating flaws and the same good stuff that made me fall in love. Even the stuff that annoys me is no surprise because he was that way when we met.

Do spouses actually do these bahavior 180s sometimes?

Mine did. He had a wonderful marketing phase where he said how he was such a family man, and was so eager to have me and my girls in his life.
He stressed the importance of family over all else.
He loved the fact that I was independent and could take care of myself.

Then we got married and I had our son, and everything changed.
My girls became less than the dirt under his fingernails.
He tried to control every aspect of my life.
If I exercised my independence by daring to disagree with him, I was without morals.
He became verbally and physically abusive to me and eventually my second daughter.
He is suing his family and has destroyed his relationship with his only sibling and his extended family.

He did do a 180.
I'm no saint, mind you, but I didn't see any of this coming.

With friends and family who've been through it, I've seen both sides. I've seen the person who did a 180 (though it is rarely suddenly, you just realize it suddenly) and I've seen the person you knew was bad news from the get go, end up being bad news.

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Originally Posted by Sparkly Mary

Mine did. He had a wonderful marketing phase where he said how he was such a family man, and was so eager to have me and my girls in his life.
He stressed the importance of family over all else.
He loved the fact that I was independent and could take care of myself.

Then we got married and I had our son, and everything changed.
My girls became less than the dirt under his fingernails.
He tried to control every aspect of my life.
If I exercised my independence by daring to disagree with him, I was without morals.
He became verbally and physically abusive to me and eventually my second daughter.
He is suing his family and has destroyed his relationship with his only sibling and his extended family.

He did do a 180.
I'm no saint, mind you, but I didn't see any of this coming.

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He hid all of his darkness in the courtship stage? I mean I know we sometimes have blinders when we are young and in love but man, I lost those rose colored glasses long ago. Evidently people can make these huge scary metamorphasis in their personality but it truly is creepy to think there are people out there capable of changing to such a degree. Some of the men I work with say their ex wives changed drastically in various ways and not for the better. It still amazes me that people can hide who they truly are and fool so many people.

I only plan on doing the marriage thing once no matter where life takes me.

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Originally Posted by Manu

With friends and family who've been through it, I've seen both sides. I've seen the person who did a 180 (though it is rarely suddenly, you just realize it suddenly) and I've seen the person you knew was bad news from the get go, end up being bad news.

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A male friend of mine met a girl online and traveled to California to meet and eventually marry her. He was soooo in love. This was in 2006. The divorce is final this month. She was not who he thought she was and apparently she was not(think Jerry Springer guest or Fresno white trash) but I think in his case he ignored the warning signs so many of us saw at the start. This is his 3rd marriage that has tanked too.

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Originally Posted by Dreamy

He hid all of his darkness in the courtship stage? I mean I know we sometimes have blinders when we are young and in love but man, I lost those rose colored glasses long ago. Evidently people can make these huge scary metamorphasis in their personality but it truly is creepy to think there are people out there capable of changing to such a degree. Some of the men I work with say their ex wives changed drastically in various ways and not for the better. It still amazes me that people can hide who they truly are and fool so many people.

I only plan on doing the marriage thing once no matter where life takes me.

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He really did spring it on me once I had our son. It was like once he had a child of his own, he underwent this massive personality change. Then in 2008 when he started suing his family members, he just became flat-out mean and nasty. He took that out on everyone in the house, even though we had nothing to do with it.
It damaged things beyond repair.
I left for a month in 2009, and was dumb enough to let him talk me into coming back. He made all of the promises of counseling and anger management. I printed out a list of people to go to for counseling so "he" could make the choice. He threw the list in the trash. I knew then it wasn't going to work.
I was working on my exit strategy when he forced my hand in September.

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Originally Posted by Sparkly Mary

He really did spring it on me once I had our son. It was like once he had a child of his own, he underwent this massive personality change. Then in 2008 when he started suing his family members, he just became flat-out mean and nasty. He took that out on everyone in the house, even though we had nothing to do with it.
It damaged things beyond repair.
I left for a month in 2009, and was dumb enough to let him talk me into coming back. He made all of the promises of counseling and anger management. I printed out a list of people to go to for counseling so "he" could make the choice. He threw the list in the trash. I knew then it wasn't going to work.
I was working on my exit strategy when he forced my hand in September.

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That sucks Mary. I have seen drug or alcohol abuse change people but to see someone change after something as simple and wonderful as the birth of a child is truly frightening. The human psyche is crazy. Better days are ahead. God help those who have to live in his world.

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Originally Posted by Dreamy

That sucks Mary. I have seen drug or alcohol abuse change people but to see someone change after something as simple and wonderful as the birth of a child is truly frightening. The human psyche is crazy. Better days are ahead. God help those who have to live in his world.

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Thanks. He did start drinking more once we moved to AZ. He is one that can't have just a couple of beers. Once he starts he will polish off everything in the house. I quit keeping beer and stuff in the house and when I bought it, I'd buy very small quantities. If I bought a 6 pack, he'd drink it. If I bought a 12 pack, he'd drink it. If I bought 2 bottles of wine, he'd drink them. So I learned not to buy in quantity. It helped some. I guess maybe that did play a part in it, too.
He's not a pleasant drunk either. He gets mean and says really vile and offensive things. He'll drop the N bomb in public and talk about spics and gooks and talk of killing people who are undesirables. I hated when he drank when we went out, so I quit going out with him. It was humiliating.

Maybe spending more time trying to please the other half in your life rather than tooling around with strangers on the net 'discussing' nearly 'anything' might pay off in the end...just a thought

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Originally Posted by tatervt

Maybe spending more time trying to please the other half in your life rather than tooling around with strangers on the net 'discussing' nearly 'anything' might pay off in the end...just a thought

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I'm only online at work. Go blow something.

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Originally Posted by tatervt

Maybe spending more time trying to please the other half in your life rather than tooling around with strangers on the net 'discussing' nearly 'anything' might pay off in the end...just a thought

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yeah right.

A blow job takes 5 minutes, sex not much longer maybe 15 if you have foreplay.:rolleyes:

Men don't want to talk and share, they want to come home eat and sit in front of the TV. I get MAYBE 1/2 hour conversation with hubby and the rest of the time he's just a fixture on the couch.:not:

So for a working gal who keeps a neat house at all times that's what? 45 minutes to make dinner. Hour to pick up house, and 45 minutes with your man. Kids are a non stop job.

So Tatervt after she worked all day and did all her tasks at home if Mary takes some "me time" to talk on line she deserves It. BTW hows your love life and why are you on line instead of pleasing the woman in your life?

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Originally Posted by Dreamy

Often when I hear about a nasty divorce online and sometimes offline with family,friends and co-workers. I hear the same type of gory details about the "other" spouse's behavior. The wives or husbands often sound like monsters, jerks, morons, abusers, drunks and on and on.

The question I often ask is this:

Did he/she change that much or did you fall in love with this awful person?

My husband is the same man I met so long ago. He has the same irritating flaws and the same good stuff that made me fall in love. Even the stuff that annoys me is no surprise because he was that way when we met.

Do spouses actually do these bahavior 180s sometimes?

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When I met hubby he wanted to do stuff together. We would go fishing, on a pic nic,swimming,bowling,go for a walk,amusement park,visit friends,shoot pool,go for drinks or a concert ect. Now all he wants to do is work,watch tv and run his fry trailer. His personality hasn't really changed. He is still Mr. Grumpy Pants but his personality is even more grumpy then it used to be,hasn't picked a book up in years, and anal about certain things and doesn't know anything about politics and doesn't want to. He's turning into an old fart and is content with it.

I on the other hand read more than when we met,still want to go out and do things,have the same easy going personality and want to learn more. The strain between us is greater than it used to be. It keeps working however because I don't have a problem doing stuff alone and he doesn't care if I do stuff alone. I wouldn't call it a 180 but two people who used to be on the same page moving further apart can create havoc in a relationship.

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Originally Posted by queenlillian1962

When I met hubby he wanted to do stuff together. We would go fishing, on a pic nic,swimming,bowling,go for a walk,amusement park,visit friends,shoot pool,go for drinks or a concert ect. Now all he wants to do is work,watch tv and run his fry trailer. His personality hasn't really changed. He is still Mr. Grumpy Pants but his personality is even more grumpy then it used to be,hasn't picked a book up in years, and anal about certain things and doesn't know anything about politics and doesn't want to. He's turning into an old fart and is content with it.

I on the other hand read more than when we met,still want to go out and do things,have the same easy going personality and want to learn more. The strain between us is greater than it used to be. It keeps working however because I don't have a problem doing stuff alone and he doesn't care if I do stuff alone. I wouldn't call it a 180 but two people who used to be on the same page moving further apart can create havoc in a relationship.

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I do realize that as the years go by we all change in small ways but I am talking about these 180 turns that happen so abruptly. There has got to be some mental issues with the spouses who do these whiplash changes. Marriages can wax and wane over the years but to have someone to seemingly flip a switch in his manner of behavior is a scary thing to hear about and to live with I am sure.

My wife told me I am the same sorry Mofo she married 27 years ago, just a little heavier and grayer. Oh yea not quite as horny, three times a day went out the window when we had kids.

PS so did all my toys and most of my fishing time. :hmm:

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Originally Posted by Sparkly Mary

I'm only online at work. Go blow something.

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Judging by your post times you must work some odd hours...sometimes 8am, other times 10 pm...just sayin'

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Originally Posted by queenlillian1962

yeah right.

A blow job takes 5 minutes, sex not much longer maybe 15 if you have foreplay.:rolleyes:

Men don't want to talk and share, they want to come home eat and sit in front of the TV. I get MAYBE 1/2 hour conversation with hubby and the rest of the time he's just a fixture on the couch.:not:

So for a working gal who keeps a neat house at all times that's what? 45 minutes to make dinner. Hour to pick up house, and 45 minutes with your man. Kids are a non stop job.

So Tatervt after she worked all day and did all her tasks at home if Mary takes some "me time" to talk on line she deserves It. BTW hows your love life and why are you on line instead of pleasing the woman in your life?

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Why do you assume when I say "spending more time trying to please the other half in your life" that I automatically mean BJ's or sex? Are a couple holes the only thing you have to offer a man? That could be your main problem...

My love life and life in general is awesome, thanks for asking. I happen to be working tonight after playing daddydaycare all day - i take care of my wife emotionally, physically, and spiritually... And she does the same for me in return.



All i'm saying is men don't want to hear constant bitching about how much you do around the house and how you deserve me time on the net. But hey ya'll are the ones that have been divorced, not me, so keep doing what you're doing I guess...Just don't even bother questioning my relationship/love life, as it is nowhere near, nor is it trending towards being as pathetic as a majority of you posters here.

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Originally Posted by tatervt

Why do you assume when I say "spending more time trying to please the other half in your life" that I automatically mean BJ's or sex? Are a couple holes the only thing you have to offer a man? That could be your main problem...

My love life and life in general is awesome, thanks for asking. I happen to be working tonight after playing daddydaycare all day - i take care of my wife emotionally, physically, and spiritually... And she does the same for me in return.



All i'm saying is men don't want to hear constant bitching about how much you do around the house and how you deserve me time on the net. But hey ya'll are the ones that have been divorced, not me, so keep doing what you're doing I guess...Just don't even bother questioning my relationship/love life, as it is nowhere near, nor is it trending towards being as pathetic as a majority of you posters here.

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I hit on other points not just the sex,but that does seem to be an important issue with men. Constant Bitching? I ASK HIM first thing through the door how his day went. HE has made it clear that when he comes home he doesn't want to hear about my shit first thing unless it's an emergency,so I wait. I've been married 28 years so I must be doing something right.

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Originally Posted by tatervt

Why do you assume when I say "spending more time trying to please the other half in your life" that I automatically mean BJ's or sex? Are a couple holes the only thing you have to offer a man? That could be your main problem...

My love life and life in general is awesome, thanks for asking. I happen to be working tonight after playing daddydaycare all day - i take care of my wife emotionally, physically, and spiritually... And she does the same for me in return.



All i'm saying is men don't want to hear constant bitching about how much you do around the house and how you deserve me time on the net. But hey ya'll are the ones that have been divorced, not me, so keep doing what you're doing I guess...Just don't even bother questioning my relationship/love life, as it is nowhere near, nor is it trending towards being as pathetic as a majority of you posters here.

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I will attest that the above is all true.

Tater is a straight shooter. Sometimes he can be biting and acerbic but never a phony or a bullshitter. I like that about the man, a man that I have known since I abducted him from some random schoolyard many years ago. Please do not discuss cats with him however. He has burned some bridges on other places on that score.

Check---mail---pronto Thanks!

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Originally Posted by Dreamy

I will attest that the above is all true.

Tater is a straight shooter. Sometimes he can be biting and acerbic but never a phony or a bullshitter. I like that about the man, a man that I have known since I abducted him from some random schoolyard many years ago. Please do not discuss cats with him however. He has burned some bridges on other places on that score.

Check---mail---pronto Thanks!

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He doesn't like Kitteh's? :(

This is a nasty thread...but just reporting a friend recently got divorced. Hundreds of thousands of bucks deducted from his assets and added to his ex's assets. Strange judicial system. Seems kinda gay.