Spazola
12-15-2006, 12:43 PM
This is getting to be too much. :hmm: I can't handle NEVER being able to do ANYTHING right in her eyes. I hate that as soon as anything goes wrong, I am the first to be blamed. Maybe someone else could take having her take all of her anger out on them, but I can't. You'd think that after her doing this my whole life I'd be used to it by now...but I'm really, really not. I'm not strong enough--I never have been.
Everytime my mother gets upset about ANYTHING, even if its totally unrelated to our family, she takes it out on the people around her. I've tried SO hard to be understanding about this--she has alot of anger problems and other emotional issues. But I guess I'm just simply not a good enough person to be as understanding as I wish I was.
Its not always something big that she blames me for, either...just so, SO many little things. The house is messy, she's pissed that its cluttered, she yells at me to clean up. I point out that only one item in the room is mine (headphones on the coffee table), and she just gets more angry..."It's not ABOUT "mine" and "yours"! Just...clean up!"
The computer freezes up, and its automatically because I'm signed into AIM--apparently that can cause the whole computer to freeze in her eyes. I tried pointing out that no windows were open so the computer wasn't working any harder, and again, that just makes her more upset with me.
Last night broke me down completely. I was just informed that I have a make-up soccer game on Saturday at 1:00pm...but I already had plans for that time. She said that I should just go with my original plans at a later time (which is going to see a movie). But I told her that would be difficult, seeing as there are three other people involved who made plans to see the 1:50pm showing.
"Well, I sure am glad I didn't pay for you to play soccer."
(in a mocking voice) "Oooh, I want to play indoor soccer, but I don't want to go to the games!"
When I signed up for indoor, it was my understanding that all the games were on Sundays. IN FACT, I said that I DID NOT want to play originally. I said I wanted to try something different, like acting lessons or dancing. But my mom sounded disappointed and said "Well...maybe you could do something else also, and still do soccer..."
So that was it. And I did something that I've never done before--I took my iPod and walked out the door without saying a word to anybody, and no one noticed me leave.
If it had been daytime I may not of gotten in trouble. But it was dark, so in the end I had just given my mother another reason to scream at me.
I can't do this anymore. I'm just...done. I have nothing left in me to carry on like this. I'm tired of living every day with my head ducked down because I'm waiting for myself to screw up. I'm tired of hating myself for every breath I take. I can't do anything right in her eyes, and I can't do anything right in my own, either.
Everytime my mother gets upset about ANYTHING, even if its totally unrelated to our family, she takes it out on the people around her. I've tried SO hard to be understanding about this--she has alot of anger problems and other emotional issues. But I guess I'm just simply not a good enough person to be as understanding as I wish I was.
Its not always something big that she blames me for, either...just so, SO many little things. The house is messy, she's pissed that its cluttered, she yells at me to clean up. I point out that only one item in the room is mine (headphones on the coffee table), and she just gets more angry..."It's not ABOUT "mine" and "yours"! Just...clean up!"
The computer freezes up, and its automatically because I'm signed into AIM--apparently that can cause the whole computer to freeze in her eyes. I tried pointing out that no windows were open so the computer wasn't working any harder, and again, that just makes her more upset with me.
Last night broke me down completely. I was just informed that I have a make-up soccer game on Saturday at 1:00pm...but I already had plans for that time. She said that I should just go with my original plans at a later time (which is going to see a movie). But I told her that would be difficult, seeing as there are three other people involved who made plans to see the 1:50pm showing.
"Well, I sure am glad I didn't pay for you to play soccer."
(in a mocking voice) "Oooh, I want to play indoor soccer, but I don't want to go to the games!"
When I signed up for indoor, it was my understanding that all the games were on Sundays. IN FACT, I said that I DID NOT want to play originally. I said I wanted to try something different, like acting lessons or dancing. But my mom sounded disappointed and said "Well...maybe you could do something else also, and still do soccer..."
So that was it. And I did something that I've never done before--I took my iPod and walked out the door without saying a word to anybody, and no one noticed me leave.
If it had been daytime I may not of gotten in trouble. But it was dark, so in the end I had just given my mother another reason to scream at me.
I can't do this anymore. I'm just...done. I have nothing left in me to carry on like this. I'm tired of living every day with my head ducked down because I'm waiting for myself to screw up. I'm tired of hating myself for every breath I take. I can't do anything right in her eyes, and I can't do anything right in my own, either.