my marriage is over.

Sux,Dude :(-good luck with this...

**** man, sorry to read that :(

dude, what happened? :(

:(.....

Real sorry to hear that jw. I remember my break up as the worst time in my life.

FWIW, stay away from the liquid crutch and if you're the one who instigated make damn sure it's what you really want. There are things in life that are worth fighting for.

dude, what happened? :(i wish i knew.

thanks everyone.

wow :(

on a side note, I didn't know you were married

I just can't even imagine what that must be like, jwreck, except that it must be awful, especially if kids are involved. FWIW, you have my sympathy.

Geez man. I'm so sorry to hear that. Hang in there ok? :(

i caught her cheating on saturday. our three year anniversary was nov 1. i had absolutely no clue. we've never even had a fight. she threw our 3 year marriage away for a guy she met 3 months ago. i believed all her little lies. i even believed all her big lies. i'm such a sucker. i'll never trust another woman.

I just can't even imagine what that must be like, jwreck, except that it must be awful, especially if kids are involved. FWIW, you have my sympathy.i have a 8 year old from my first marriage. she was here saturday night. she went to bed thinking everything was okay, then she wakes up to no stepmom. that was not a pleasant conversation. they were very close. :(

Ouch. That sucks some massive shit. :(

People suck.

I feel sorry for your daughter - but you are better off without a liar as a partner.

OMG, I am so sorry to hear this. Maybe it's just a mistake. Talk to her and see why she did this. Post a lot.

Hugs,

Twinkles

Maybe it's just a mistake.

How is cheating "just a mistake?"

"I swear, honey, I thought he was you!"

Somehow, I doubt it. :hmm:

Sorry to hear. :(

I feel sorry for your daughter - but you are better off without a liar as a partner.wow. thanks boe. you're right. its better to find out now than later. doesn't make it any easier though.

No, it doesn't make it easier. It still hurts like hell. But as time goes by, your intellect will help your heart live with the hurt via this understanding.

OMG, I am so sorry to hear this. Maybe it's just a mistake. Talk to her and see why she did this. Post a lot.

Hugs,

Twinklesbelieve me, it was no mistake. i've tried to talk to her. she says she doesn't know why. she says she'll let me know if she figures it out. i'm just so...stunned. i thought we had the perfect marriage. we had the kind of marriage that you only see on old movies (or so i thought). now i find out it was all a lie. my life went from wonderful to shit in a matter of minutes.

i caught her cheating on saturday. our three year anniversary was nov 1. i had absolutely no clue. we've never even had a fight. she threw our 3 year marriage away for a guy she met 3 months ago. i believed all her little lies. i even believed all her big lies. i'm such a sucker. i'll never trust another woman.

You are NOT a sucker! Youre just a better person than she is-dont blame the victim. We all get burnt by these jerks from time to time...

People make mistakes. They get emotional, they're hurt, turn to hatered and do really horrible things. Cheating may be considered unforgivable by some, but there are couples able to surpass it.

Her answer to this question is far to easy and you are right for not accepting it. I believe that it's very important to have closure, in order to understand and accept, which may lead to moving on, as boe suggested. Take good care of your child...

People make mistakes. They get emotional, they're hurt, turn to hatered and do really horrible things. Cheating may be considered unforgivable by some, but there are couples able to surpass it.

Her answer to this question is far to easy and you are right for not accepting it. I believe that it's very important to have closure, in order to understand and accept, which may lead to moving on, as boe suggested. Take good care of your child...her attitude seems to be "sorry i hurt you, see ya later." and yes, i will always take good care of my daughter. she is the most important in my life, always will be.

i know i need to eat, but i can't even think of food with getting nauseous. i haven't eaten since saturday morning. i haven't slept since friday night. i even took a sleeping pill last night to no avail. :( it still doesn't feel real. i keep waiting for her to call, or come through the front door. i know its not true, but i feel like if i could just sleep, then i could wake up and get out of this nightmare.

I can't begin to tell you just how familiar this sounds. :nonono:
I don't think they understand just how much they hurt us.

her attitude seems to be "sorry i hurt you, see ya later."
And that's one of the parts that hurts the most, that something that was so important once means nothing to her. It's like they aren't even the same person any more and they've been replaced with a walking abomination of what used to be.

i know i need to eat, but i can't even think of food with getting nauseous. i haven't eaten since saturday morning. i haven't slept since friday night. i even took a sleeping pill last night to no avail. :( it still doesn't feel real. i keep waiting for her to call, or come through the front door. i know its not true, but i feel like if i could just sleep, then i could wake up and get out of this nightmare.

Friendly advice: you are in shock and are going to feel really lousy for awhile. Get some nutrition shakes and choke them down so you don't mess up your health.

i want a cigarette so bad, but i don't want to go through quitting smoking again.

And that's one of the parts that hurts the most, that something that was so important once means nothing to her. It's like they aren't even the same person any more and they've been replaced with a walking abomination of what used to be.
lol. i keep saying i think she's been taken over by pod people. :eek3:

Friendly advice: you are in shock and are going to feel really lousy for awhile. Get some nutrition shakes and choke them down so you don't mess up your health.
i'm gonna try...eventually.

lol. i keep saying i think she's been taken over by pod people. :eek3:
Exactly.

I can't begin to tell you just how familiar this sounds. :nonono:
I don't think they understand just how much they hurt us.and that just makes it worse. we had many long conversations about trust and honesty before we ever got serious, and i thought i made her understand. i was very distrustful for a long time, because of previous relationships and what i saw in the clubs every night. i really thought she understood. i guess maybe she's just forgotten. maybe she just doesn't care. i really don't know anymore. i don't know anything anymore. this sucks.

betty is a good person. :)

glad to help :nice:

Damn, man. I'm sorry to hear that. I want you to pull through this and come out a stronger person.

I don't think there is anything worse than being cheated on. I'm sad for you and your little girl. You're gonna have to be strong for her, so don't let yourself go to shit. I would also give your wife the same attitude she's given you. Screw her, don't let her see it bothers you. One day she'll look back and think wtf did I do? Of course you will have moved on by then. :)

you're a good guy. You will pull through it, trust in yourself.

why didn't you just talk to me?

i want to talk to her so bad. i know it won't help. i'm not sure i believe her about not knowing the whys or anything right now, hell, i'm not sure i believe anything right now. i feel so empty...i miss my best friend. :( i thought she was my soulmate. she was everything i ever dreamed of and more. what was i to her?

You are NOT a sucker! Youre just a better person than she is-dont blame the victim. We all get burnt by these jerks from time to time...
yes i am. i should have seen it. i should have...i don't know. i should probably stop posting for awhile.

you should whatever you need to in order to cope-you shouldnt worry about us-.If you want to keep your thoughts private open your notebook program on your computer and start writing-it's good to get your thoughts down though...

well, the suns coming up again. i'm apparently still here, she's still not. i just don't get it. we had the fairytale marriage. i can't even describe how happy i was. of all the uncertain things in life, i never would have imagined our relationship would be on that list. i thought she was happy with me. i just never even suspected...wow...i ijust realized that the holidays are coming...:( i can't face my family.

yes i am. i should have seen it. i should have...i don't know. i should probably stop posting for awhile.
No more than any other guy this has happened to. It's the nature of the world unfortunately. Good people always have and always will get screwed over by selfish people who disrespect and throw away the most important and precious things in life. Betrayal can destroy a man's spirit. In a way your spirit has been destroyed. You don't feel alive anymore. Unlike our bodies though, our spirit can grow back, albeit very painfully. All we can do is seek the help we need and stick it out. Time heals all wounds and our scars will be there to remind us in the future.

something else i just remembered, her good friend died early last month, and i took emergency vacation to stay at home and be with her, to help her, to comfort her, and she seemed so grateful for me then...and she had already been cheating. i think i'm gonna be sick...

i ijust realized that the holidays are coming...:( i can't face my family.
You should though. You have nothing to be shamed of, and your family will help you. No matter what she tells you this really isn't all your fault. If she is making you feel that way it's because she's ashamed(and rightfully so) of what she's done and what she's become.

you should whatever you need to in order to cope-you shouldnt worry about us-.If you want to keep your thoughts private open your notebook program on your computer and start writing-it's good to get your thoughts down though...
Very good advice. That's one of the few ways I was able to achieve some sleep. If you make a point to set aside time and write these things down they won't bother you as much when you sleep. Also spend some quality happy time with your kid. It's a great distraction.

something else i just remembered, her good friend died early last month, and i took emergency vacation to stay at home and be with her, to help her, to comfort her, and she seemed so grateful for me then...and she had already been cheating. i think i'm gonna be sick...
:nonono:
And worst of all she can still get up in the morning, look herself in the mirror without punching it, and go out and continue on doing what she knows hurts you. The most painful part is accepting that that's who she is now and even harder to accept is that that's who she's always been at least to some extent. You deserve so much better. Don't let your life fall apart over a person like that. The best thing to do is to work on putting your life back together, and someday she will realize what she threw away.

You should though. You have nothing to be shamed of, and your family will help you. No matter what she tells you this really isn't all your fault. If she is making you feel that way it's because she's ashamed(and rightfully so) of what she's done and what she's become.


Very good advice. That's one of the few ways I was able to achieve some sleep. If you make a point to set aside time and write these things down they won't bother you as much when you sleep. Also spend some quality happy time with your kid. It's a great distraction.
dude, you should be asleep, you're not in the marines anymore. :eek3:

just because i have shouldn't be ashamed doesn't mean i'm not. i know what you're saying but i'm still not convinced its not my fault. besides, i don't want to have to explain, and have everyone feel sorry for me. i' just feel like such an idiot. luckily, i'm actually working thanksgiving day. guess i don't have to feel guilty about that anymore at least.

:nonono:
And worst of all she can still get up in the morning, look herself in the mirror without punching it, and go out and continue on doing what she knows hurts you. The most painful part is accepting that that's who she is now and even harder to accept is that that's who she's always been at least to some extent. You deserve so much better. Don't let your life fall apart over a person like that. The best thing to do is to work on putting your life back together, and someday she will realize what she threw away.
i'm trying, but it just seems so far away right now. i don't even know where to begin. i should probably be packing her stuff, but i just can't. i can't get it out of my head that i never asked her directly if there's any hope for us...as if the "i don't love you anymore" isn't enough...so instead of blubbering to her, i'm blubbering on here.

you should whatever you need to in order to cope-you shouldnt worry about us-.If you want to keep your thoughts private open your notebook program on your computer and start writing-it's good to get your thoughts down though...
the more i think about it the more i want to put it here. she knows i come here, and just maybe she'll read this. i doubt it will matter one way or the other, but it makes me feel a little better. maybe this way she'll see things that i haven't said somehow. maybe she'll see things from my perspective. i don't know... i'm probably just kidding myself.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that there's some thing you should have done that you didn't, or not done that you did. Does that justify what she did? Hell, no. You're human. You don't have to be perfect, and even being perfect would not have prevented your being hurt. Do not obsess over your role in this. You're not the one who cheated. Look forward rather than back, at where you (and your kid) can go from here.

i'm trying, but it just seems so far away right now. i don't even know where to begin. i should probably be packing her stuff, but i just can't. i can't get it out of my head that i never asked her directly if there's any hope for us...as if the "i don't love you anymore" isn't enough...so instead of blubbering to her, i'm blubbering on here.
Great place to blubber my man. It worked for me.

dude, you should be asleep, you're not in the marines anymore. :eek3:
Can't break the habit. :hmm:

just because i have shouldn't be ashamed doesn't mean i'm not. i know what you're saying but i'm still not convinced its not my fault. besides, i don't want to have to explain, and have everyone feel sorry for me. i' just feel like such an idiot. luckily, i'm actually working thanksgiving day. guess i don't have to feel guilty about that anymore at least.
That's perfectly normal and understandable. It just one of those things. I went through it too, blaming myself, and she'll make it worse by taking little or no blame herself, but logically you know the truth even if it's not obvious to your heart.

I Don't Remember Loving You
(Harlan Howard & Bobby Braddock)
as recorded by John Conlee
G D G
I don't remember loving you
G
And I don't recall the things
D
You say you put me through
C
You tell me that you've had
G
A guilty conscience for so long
C
You say that you walked out on me
G
You say you did me wrong
D
Well, I just don't see how that could be true
G
'Cause I don't remember loving you

I don't remember loving you
You might talk to my doctor
He drops by each day at two
I get a funny feeling
When I look into your eyes
There's something in your smile
That gives my stomach butterflies
You must look like someone I once knew
But I don't remember loving you

CHORUS:
D C G
I don't remember loving you
D
I heard you mention children
C D
Did you say there's one or two?
C
You say I quit my job
G
And then I drank myself insane
C
You say that I ran down the highway
G
Screaming out your name
D
Well, that's not the sort of thing that I would do
G
No, I don't remember loving you

I don't remember loving you
I absolutely positively
Know that can't be true
But everyone I know here in this place
Is really strange
If you'll hand me my crayons
I'll be glad to take your name
In case I run across that guy you knew
But I don't remeber loving you

i'm afraid that's gonna be me...

He obviously still loves her very deeply-God bless you,Sir-youre not doing anything wrong.
You'll probably have a chance to tell her what you think soon-it's good to get those thoughts in order...

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that there's some thing you should have done that you didn't, or not done that you did. Does that justify what she did? Hell, no. You're human. You don't have to be perfect, and even being perfect would not have prevented your being hurt. Do not obsess over your role in this. You're not the one who cheated. Look forward rather than back, at where you (and your kid) can go from here.
VERY wise words. I couldn't have said it better.

wow, a new level of guilt and anger...this is from the guy's myspace page, under "heroes"...Anyone that has come from nothing and made something of themselves. Too many to count or list. Self actualized individuals that have made a difference. And I can't leave out ANYONE who is in the military fighting for the US. And first responders. They are worthy of heroship because even though me and lots of other Americans might not agree with the cause I still support them and they still fight no matter what and I wish them a safe return home where they belong! Police, Firefighters, EMT's are heroes if you don't believe it just remember 9/11! It's how they live that make them heroes. They leave the house everyday knowing that they may not come back. Give them due respect would ya please!i found that last night...it makes me so ****ing furious! god i hope i don't see him anytime soon...i especially enjoyed this part...They leave the house everyday knowing that they may not come back. Give them due respect would ya please!well, you know what else i don't know when i leave the house, whose ****ing my wife while i'm gone! that's so ****ing insulting. just one more ungrateful ****er who claims to respect the sacrifices i make for the community, then spits in my ****ing face.

which brings me to the guilt...she often said how much she didn't like being alone at night when i worked...but i didn't think it was that serious. i can't help wonder if this wouldn't had happened if i had a different job. i trade my job in a heartbeat to go back...i would have quit a long time ago if i'd known what it was going to cost me.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that there's some thing you should have done that you didn't, or not done that you did. Does that justify what she did? Hell, no. You're human. You don't have to be perfect, and even being perfect would not have prevented your being hurt. Do not obsess over your role in this. You're not the one who cheated. Look forward rather than back, at where you (and your kid) can go from here.i know you're right, but doing and saying are two different things.

another fitting song...She Can't Say That Anymore
(Sonny Throckmorton)

(Female backup during verses: "She's seen")

I never thought I'd live to see the day
Anyone could turn my head the other way
She squirmed beside him, her mind was made
Now she can't say that anymore

I've never done this sort of thing before
Once you get started it ain't all that hard
Then he got up & locked that cheatin' door
Now she can't say that anymore
(She can't say that anymore)

Bridge:
& oh the porch light's burnin'
As she fumbles for the key
Tonight she jumped some fences
But she didn't quite get free
She's as cool as a salesman
As she opens the door
She's breakin' in a new routine
For the man who walks the floor

Mama insisted that I stay awhile
"You're treatin' me as if I were on trial
I never lied to you," she kinda smiled
Now she can't say that anymore
(She can't say that anymore)

(repeat bridge)

(repeat & fade):
Now she can't say that anymore
(She can't say that anymore) :(

i know you're right, but doing and saying are two different things.
Absolutely. You have to keep reminding yourself constantly, and having others remind you. It's like a mantra, or like exercise. Every time you feel yourself "falling back" you need to give yourself a little kick to keep going. It might sound corny, but it can even help to write down the reminders you need. Stick It Wasn't My Fault on the fridge, and Look Forward on the mirror, or something. Make reminding yourself of these things part of your daily routine, for as many days as it takes, and it'll help you get through it.

Absolutely. You have to keep reminding yourself constantly, and having others remind you. It's like a mantra, or like exercise. Every time you feel yourself "falling back" you need to give yourself a little kick to keep going. It might sound corny, but it can even help to write down the reminders you need. Stick It Wasn't My Fault on the fridge, and Look Forward on the mirror, or something. Make reminding yourself of these things part of your daily routine, for as many days as it takes, and it'll help you get through it.thanks.

i wonder if its a bonus for him that she's a "heroes" wife...

i wonder she told him about me to make him okay with it...i don't even know what i ever did that she could use to tear me down. i don't understand how she could possibly justify this...

I'm sorry you have to go through this man. Really.

I'm just a year out of an 18 year marriage (still doing the divorce part though) so I understand what you are going through. She told me it was over long ago, and I never saw it coming.

Try to stay focused on you. It will get easier.

I'm sorry you have to go through this man. Really.

I'm just a year out of an 18 year marriage (still doing the divorce part though) so I understand what you are going through. She told me it was over long ago, and I never saw it coming.

Try to stay focused on you. It will get easier.thanks. sorry to hear about yours too. :(

damnit. i broke down and called. i've been reduced to calling his phone and leaving a voicemail to try and get her to call me back. i'm ****ing pathetic. and no i'm not saying that so someone will tell me i'm not. i'm a doormat. a sucker to th nth degree. no wonder she took advantage of me.

my emotions are cycling. i'm back to numb right now. i guess that's normal. not sure if its getting better or worse...

Yes, you're emotions are cycling - that is reaction.

More advice: the sooner her stuff is out of your house, the better. Try to have a friend with you when she stops by to pack - for emotional support and to make sure she doesn't take things that belong to you. The latter might sound petty now - but once you are back on an even keel, you will see the wisdom of it.

Right now you are living in the ghost of your relationship with your home set up as yours and hers. You need to make the space Just Yours (and your daughter's) as soon as possible.

what am i gonna do...

what am i gonna do...


You are going to feel numb, angry, hurt, lost, depressed...the entire gamut of negative emotions. But you are also going to find a shred of hope that life is good and worth living - and you will rebuild yours bit by bit, for your daughter's sake as well as your own.

Just remember to keep breathing.

what am i gonna do...

Go on living, the best that you can.

When they say "one day at a time" they ain't kidding. Just figure out what you're going to do that day to move forward, and try to occupy yourself doing it.

strange things. i actually had a productive conversation with my mother. mostly she just listened, but i actually think i understand some of the crazy things my wife said to me. i still don't necessarily agree with them, but i understand more (i think, but who really knows at this point). the bad thing is, now with this feeling of some kind of insight, i'm even more desperate to talk to her. my freakin head is spinning.

I'm curious to see why you even want to speak to her.

We tend to hurt the ones we love. Issues not dealt with can manifest as inconsiderate & hurtful actions.
I hope that you will be able to move ahead without a lot of anger & pain. Thoughts of revenge and hateful intentions can only sidetrack you, they won't accomplish anything beneficial. If you can deal with her amicably, it would behoove you both.

Bets of luck, jwreck, this is a hell of a situation to be in. Take your time & think things through.

now i'm scared. i' realized that i've suddenly been filled with a great sense of hope, and i'm not sure why. maybe its the feeling that i feel like i might have figured something out, i don't know, i don't want to have hope. i'm pretty sure that just means its all about to come crashing down again.

Yeah, definitely take as many reminders of her out of your house as you can. You don't have to destroy them or throw them away necessarily, but box them up and put them some place where you can't see them. That goes all the way down to buying new sheets for your bed.

And don't be afraid to include your kid in how you deal with your emotions. Show her that it's okay to feel hurt and betrayed. But don't let the hurt and betrayal own you. You have to be there for your kid, and that means that you can't just wallow in your pain. Keep a journal (a hand-written one) and just write it all out. Never show it to anybody, just write and write and write. It helps (trust me). And once you replace the sheets, start forcing yourself to lay down for awhile.

And most importantly, if your kid tries to make you smile, ****ing smile. She needs the validation that you still love her.

now i'm scared. i' realized that i've suddenly been filled with a great sense of hope, and i'm not sure why. maybe its the feeling that i feel like i might have figured something out, i don't know, i don't want to have hope. i'm pretty sure that just means its all about to come crashing down again.

Hope? I hope you're not thinking what I think you're thinking.

i just got off the phone with her. it went about like i expected it would. no answers, but it felt better to get some things off my chest. i realized why i have a feeling of hope. i think i just entered the bargaining stage of grief. not sure if that's a good sign or not.

How old are you J? How old is she? How long were you married for?

Edit: Ah, 3 years. I just read that.

Yeah, definitely take as many reminders of her out of your house as you can. You don't have to destroy them or throw them away necessarily, but box them up and put them some place where you can't see them. That goes all the way down to buying new sheets for your bed.i'd love to, but i just can't make myself do it...

And don't be afraid to include your kid in how you deal with your emotions. Show her that it's okay to feel hurt and betrayed. But don't let the hurt and betrayal own you. You have to be there for your kid, and that means that you can't just wallow in your pain. Keep a journal (a hand-written one) and just write it all out. Never show it to anybody, just write and write and write. It helps (trust me). And once you replace the sheets, start forcing yourself to lay down for awhile.

And most importantly, if your kid tries to make you smile, ****ing smile. She needs the validation that you still love her.
that's so hard. she gets upset when she sees me upset. i'm really trying though. every time i talk to her (my daughter) she unintentionally tears my heart out.

How old are you J? How old is she? How long were you married for?
i'm 33. she's 25. we've been married exactly 3 years. we've been together for 5. maybe its just that she was too young. i don't know...

another thing about the phone call, she doesn't seem to have any desire to work it out. she seems to at least kinda understand that she has hurt me, but i don't think she has any idea of the extent. i doubt she thinks its her fault though.

i would just like some honesty, but that's probably too much to ask.

Man, reading this is making ME seriously angry, so I'm gonna try to avoid it for a while before I type out something I'll regret.

I wish you a speedy recovery man, I really feel your pain here.

Man, reading this is making ME seriously angry, so I'm gonna try to avoid it for a while before I type out something I'll regret.

I wish you a speedy recovery man, I really feel your pain here.
thanks.

It's really good you talked to her=what she's doing is fueled by selfishness-so she wont be very communicative but even this "no answer" stuff is information for you.

i would just like some honesty, but that's probably too much to ask.

For me it was too much to expect. Over time, I learned to not expect anything from my ex, even civility, and I have to admit, life is much more peaceful now. I only talk to her about the kids.

i'd love to, but i just can't make myself do it...

that's so hard. she gets upset when she sees me upset. i'm really trying though. every time i talk to her (my daughter) she unintentionally tears my heart out.


It isn't just the sudden lonliness that hurts, it's also the expectations, dreams and companionship that you shared that are missed as well. Realize that it isn't just that you two are no longer together, but that you are also going to be travelling down a different road than expected. It can be scary being in an unfamiliar place.

Don't dismiss any feelings you have, you are entitled to them all. It's not necessary to push them aside, because they will have to be dealt with eventually.

Monster had an excellent idea...writing things out is great therapy. Write down the good, the bad, vent, argue, whatever you have to release.

And if someone offers to lend you their ear, talk to them. It helps.

It isn't just the sudden lonliness that hurts, it's also the expectations, dreams and companionship that you shared that are missed as well. Realize that it isn't just that you two are no longer together, but that you are also going to be travelling down a different road than expected. It can be scary being in an unfamiliar place. that's very true. we had big plans together, and the pisser is they were just really starting to develop into reality. as i said, i thought we were flying high. i couldn't have been higher as far as our life together was concerned. that just makes it so much worse. things we had planned were actually taking place. we were moving together in the same direction, or so i thought. apparently, i was way off base. i was excstatic in my marriage. i don't understand how i was living such a vivid illusion. you know something else, i was so happy to know that i'd never have to be single again. seeing my friends date makes me so not want to be single. i know thats not really high on the list of importants right now, but its one more thing that sucks. :(

And if someone offers to lend you their ear, talk to them. It helps.
i've been trying to do that for sure.

For me it was too much to expect. Over time, I learned to not expect anything from my ex, even civility, and I have to admit, life is much more peaceful now. I only talk to her about the kids.that really sucks. i'm so glad we don't have kids together.

It's really good you talked to her=what she's doing is fueled by selfishness-so she wont be very communicative but even this "no answer" stuff is information for you.
i'm really surprised how much better i feel after that little conversation. i really figured i'd just be more upset afterwards. of course, a crash could occur any minute...

i just want to take a sec to thank everyone here, you have know idea how much your support it means to me.

ya know, initially i put this in my journal thinking it would pretty much go unnoticed. i'm so glad ya'll surprised me. :)

A lot of us have gone through the same thing...

that's very true. we had big plans together, and the pisser is they were just really starting to develop into reality. as i said, i thought we were flying high. i couldn't have been higher as far as our life together was concerned. that just makes it so much worse. things we had planned were actually taking place. we were moving together in the same direction, or so i thought. apparently, i was way off base. i was excstatic in my marriage. i don't understand how i was living such a vivid illusion. you know something else, i was so happy to know that i'd never have to be single again. seeing my friends date makes me so not want to be single. i know thats not really high on the list of importants right now, but its one more thing that sucks. :(

i've been trying to do that for sure.

You weren't off base, you were building a wonderful partnership, that unfortunately had a monkey wrench thrown into it. There's no reason for feeling like a fool, because nothing you did was foolish. The mistake was hers, but unfortunately you have to feel the brunt of it.

I too, felt comfort in my first marriage when I saw what others go through. However, you will find much more satisfaction & comfort in pursuing a solo path right now, than to stay & tend a garden where nothing will grow.

And don't worry about being alone, and dating & all the crap that goes with it. Just fill your time with what you enjoy doing & in the future, when you are both ready, someone will be there for you to share with.

Don't think you are alone in this, a lot of us have been rejected, misused, betrayed, and taken for granted. Realize it's nothing you have done, but it's something that is lacking in someone else. If anything, you will have learned when things aren't what they appear to be, and history won't repeat itself.

*hugs*

man. i'm looking around trying to start seperating stuff, i mean, wow. there's so much crap intermixed everywhere. i can't imagine how people do this after 10 years together...

You weren't off base, you were building a wonderful partnership, that unfortunately had a monkey wrench thrown into it. There's no reason for feeling like a fool, because nothing you did was foolish. The mistake was hers, but unfortunately you have to feel the brunt of it.

I too, felt comfort in my first marriage when I saw what others go through. However, you will find much more satisfaction & comfort in pursuing a solo path right now, than to stay & tend a garden where nothing will grow.

And don't worry about being alone, and dating & all the crap that goes with it. Just fill your time with what you enjoy doing & in the future, when you are both ready, someone will be there for you to share with.

Don't think you are alone in this, a lot of us have been rejected, misused, betrayed, and taken for granted. Realize it's nothing you have done, but it's something that is lacking in someone else. If anything, you will have learned when things aren't what they appear to be, and history won't repeat itself.

*hugs*
thanks sweety. right now i have trouble believing that. i'm having visions of a old people dying by themselves alone in a nursing home. :(

thanks sweety. right now i have trouble believing that. i'm having visions of a old people dying by themselves alone in a nursing home. :(


That is better than dying alone in one's apartment and being eaten by one's starving Doberman.

That is better than dying alone in one's apartment and being eaten by one's starving Doberman.well, there is that.

i suddenly feel strangely normal. its eery. i'm waiting for the next valley. the good news is i managed to eat something without throwing it up (yet).

i have to work tomorrow. i'm not sure how i feel about it. of course, i'm not sure about anything right now. i don't want to face the questions. i don't want to lose it in the firehouse. i don't want to screw up on scene because my heads not on right. on the other hand, it may do me good to get out of the house and focus on something else for awhile. guess we'll find out tomorrow. i really hope the meds i got from my doc work and i get some sleep tonight. anyway, more to come, but it might be awhile.

Dude-work probably saved my life a couple times when I went through that stuff=you've been at that job a while,havent you?

Work is a good thing. Great distraction.

Sublimation ftw!

man. i'm looking around trying to start seperating stuff, i mean, wow. there's so much crap intermixed everywhere. i can't imagine how people do this after 10 years together...

That was the easy part for me. I took my laptop and clothing and left. After 18 years of marriage, I started my life totally clean again. Well, almost. The only thing left from that marriage are my children, and I'd never walk away from them.

I guess, in playground parlance... my life is a "do over". This time I'm living it on my terms, my way, and I've been living in peace because of it.

I truly hope you find peace, it makes life fun again.

dont forget your kid, j. if shes been around for 3 years, thats a lifetime from a kids perspective. and she doesnt have the capability to understand it like an adult. it allso may help you to focus on the way your kid is going though this. kids have a way to simplyfy things.
Im very sorry man. be strong. and listen to betty, he knows what hes talking about.

i really dont know what to say i am sincerelly sorry to have read what you are going through, hugz A.

you know, i'm beginning to think that the only reason she was happy with me for as long as she was was that i was gullible enough to believe her lies, so she had no trouble ****ing around whenever she wanted. then she found someone she wanted to see more seriously, and here we are.

you know another thing that really hurts the more i think about it, her mother. her mom covered for her. i really thought her mom and i had a good relationship. i thought she actually cared aboiut me. why would she not say anything when her daughter brings a man other than her husband to dinner, when her husband is at work? i understand wanting to support your child, but wouldn't you want what's best for them? wouldn't you want them to put some effort into being married? especially if you like her husband? would it have been so hard to call me and say something like "i'm kinda worried, your wife seems pretty unhappy"? would it have been so hard to encourage her daughter to talk to me? how do you just turn a blind eye to an affair? is she really so naive that she believes that nothing is going on between them? i'd really like to talk to her, just to let her know that she has deeply hurt me as well. i'd also like to know what my wife was telling her about me, about her boyfriend, about the whole situation. i don't know, i don't think i could face her anytime soon. i'm still trying to figure out how i'm supposed to talk to my wife.i want to, i want answers...but they seem to be in very short supply.

i really think one day she'll look back and realize what she threw away. no one will ever treat her the way i did. she said she thinks i just look at her as a trophy wife. i don't know how she could think that. sure, i loved to show her off. i loved to brag about her to everybody, but mostly i bragged about our relationship. i loved to brag about the fact that she was going back to school. i loved the idea of her getting a law degree. i guess she could say she was my trophy wife, only because i put her on a pedastal. i thought she was so wonderful. i was so proud of her, and i thought i told her that all the time. the more i think about the more confused i get. nothing makes sense. the only semi-logical explanations i can come up with are all diabolical. was she really an evil person all along? was i really that fooled? was she just waiting for someone with more money? the funny thing is, we've struggled financially pretty much our whole marriage. now, we are almost to the point where we are getting ahead. if she had just held on a little longer, her stress level would have dropped dramatically. i really don't understand. why now? why him? why not me? why didn't i se it coming? why didn't i see it sooner? why...

dont forget your kid, j. if shes been around for 3 years, thats a lifetime from a kids perspective. and she doesnt have the capability to understand it like an adult. it allso may help you to focus on the way your kid is going though this. kids have a way to simplyfy things.
Im very sorry man. be strong. and listen to betty, he knows what hes talking about.
yeah, except she's actully been around nearly 5 years. we've just been married three. yes, that is an eternity to an 8 year old. i really can't understand how she could be this cruel to my daughter. a short time ago my kid stunned me, when she told me out of the blue one day"well daady, you and your wife will probably be married for a long timne before you get divorced." i asked what she meant, and she said, well, everybody gets divorced. :( i told her "no baby, not me and my wife, we love each other, and when we have problems we talk them out, i don't think we'll ever get divorced." well, so much for that.

It was a conspiracy, you were conspired against. They designed a situation of evil against you.

What it says to me its that you were too good, too trusting and too happy, it's the key to the box, your happiness. When you are happy you don't see the potential in people to do harm. Especailly when those people are your family.

The fact that she was doing this guy and you at the same time is ****in brilliant, it's a great way for a domestic dispute to turn bloody. I don't know what drives women to do these things, I think, in the end women are lesser than men, know it and hate it.

Truthfully. Take Twinkles for example, she was ranting today about how hard women had to work to free themselves from bondage, the result of all that hard work is her wearing next to nothing and using as many men as she can, the result was her becoming nothing more than a sex object with a job. Her position reinforces the idea that women exist for men as sex objects. That's like the blacks all going back to slavery. But that's what defines women, irrationality.

I'm not saying womens rights are bad. I'm saying that women are irrational, look at the decline in values since we let them vote and hold jobs. It's in the Veda's, it commen knowledge to anyone with a brain, that when women are allowed to run free and take many men, the society becomes dipondant and jealous. It breeds strife, because women don't know when to stop or STFU. If anything in my post is true, it's the last sentance.

To add to that, what I'm saying is that this socety has become based soley on sex. Many relationships are based on sex.

One thing I learned about Hindus is that they marry their kids young, but not to toal strangers, the kids grow up together, play together and form a real bond, instead of picking the best looking girl in the most expesive mini-skirt.

It has alot to with people thinking they have perfected humanity, yes we've perfected ourselves, we're perfect. Who needs time honered wisdom and knowledge when my dicks on hard for Twinkles and her mini-skirt?

When you read the vedas or the Gita, you become more aware of the "stumbling blocks" we put in front of ourselves. The reason many relationships fail is because the people are not happy, they have not learned to let go of matirial things and fleshy pleasures, they search for satasfaction in places they know will not produce it.

It reminds me of a truley tasteless joke, I can't remember it verbatum but it's good enough:

"What song played for the cowboy with shit on his mustache?"

"Lookin' for love in all the wrong places".

In the end I don't know what works, the old fashioned way or the new way, or if there's even a differance. Shit happens.

jwreck there is a saying in spanish "tal palo tal astilla" it means a splint of wood and wood are same, the translation is lousy but that sounds like your mom in law and ex wife, what a couple of bitches, get angry and dont hurt, thats my advice, show indifference even if you are hurting and angry.
I shall keep you in my thoughts hun, hang in there.

It has alot to with people thinking they have perfected humanity, yes we've perfected ourselves, we're perfect. Who needs time honered wisdom and knowledge when my dicks on hard for Twinkles and her mini-skirt?

You;re wiser than I thought,Brain...

i really think one day she'll look back and realize what she threw away. no one will ever treat her the way i did. she said she thinks i just look at her as a trophy wife. i don't know how she could think that. sure, i loved to show her off. i loved to brag about her to everybody, but mostly i bragged about our relationship. i loved to brag about the fact that she was going back to school. i loved the idea of her getting a law degree. i guess she could say she was my trophy wife, only because i put her on a pedastal. i thought she was so wonderful. i was so proud of her, and i thought i told her that all the time. the more i think about the more confused i get. nothing makes sense. the only semi-logical explanations i can come up with are all diabolical. was she really an evil person all along? was i really that fooled? was she just waiting for someone with more money? the funny thing is, we've struggled financially pretty much our whole marriage. now, we are almost to the point where we are getting ahead. if she had just held on a little longer, her stress level would have dropped dramatically. i really don't understand. why now? why him? why not me? why didn't i se it coming? why didn't i see it sooner? why...

jwreck...I know you and me haven't really been pleasant to each other, but I would like to tell you this coming from the other side. Hopefully it will help.

My first wife and me were married 12 years......she dealt with me being gone all over the world, put up with months of living on a Army Post alone while I was in the field or on a operation. She tended to my injuries, my personal finances, and my sick mother while I was playing war around the world. She loved me and was always faithful....I was not. While she was sitting at home waiting to spend any time I would give her, I was on RR looking to get laid or when I was home, out drinking with my buddies. After about 9 years of marriage I started to realize what type of woman I had. I started to want a family. After my first son was born, I changed the type behavior that was causing damage to my family. I stopped drinking, womanizing and smoking. I started coming home after last formation. I started helping her around the house and with the baby. But because of my past, I had caused to many problems that wouldn't go away.

She had heard about the other women. She knew all my lies. She stopped trusting me. One day, I came home to a empty house. After all I had done to destroy my marriage, in the end I never thought she would leave me. I was wrong. Just when I started loving her and looking forward to the rest of our lives together with our son, it was over. I never thought about what I was doing while cheating. I always thought she would never know because I was always careful to not fool around where we were stationed.

Well now I know what I have done. I live everyday without my son living at home with me. I know the pain she is dealing with everyday, even now, because of my actions. She still hasn't re-married because she will not, or cannot trust another man. My son is the real loser in this mess. I have been very honest with him about the whole affair. I think he understands but I know he, and rightly so, blames me and we always hold it against me.

I am now re-married and have learned from my mistakes. I now have a wife I love and would do anything for. I have a 5 month old son. I really have a good life, but I don't. I live everyday knowing how I have destroyed a good woman and hurt an innocent child. At times it eats me alive with guilt. Hopefully your ex will have to live with her guilt also. Realize that it might take some time for her to understand what she has done. One day it will hit her, then she will realize what she had and threw away. I know because I took a good time over a good woman....in the end, those good times were nothing compared to the good life I could of had.

Best of luck dealing with this.........

skytrooper thats what DA is all about, i also many times have crossed words with wreck but when it comes to situations as this, one good thing about DA is we unite in our hour of need and advice.

It was a conspiracy, you were conspired against. They designed a situation of evil against you.

What it says to me its that you were too good, too trusting and too happy, it's the key to the box, your happiness. When you are happy you don't see the potential in people to do harm. Especailly when those people are your family.

The fact that she was doing this guy and you at the same time is ****in brilliant, it's a great way for a domestic dispute to turn bloody. I don't know what drives women to do these things, I think, in the end women are lesser than men, know it and hate it.

Truthfully. Take Twinkles for example, she was ranting today about how hard women had to work to free themselves from bondage, the result of all that hard work is her wearing next to nothing and using as many men as she can, the result was her becoming nothing more than a sex object with a job. Her position reinforces the idea that women exist for men as sex objects. That's like the blacks all going back to slavery. But that's what defines women, irrationality.

I'm not saying womens rights are bad. I'm saying that women are irrational, look at the decline in values since we let them vote and hold jobs. It's in the Veda's, it commen knowledge to anyone with a brain, that when women are allowed to run free and take many men, the society becomes dipondant and jealous. It breeds strife, because women don't know when to stop or STFU. If anything in my post is true, it's the last sentance.

If you expect a woman to be a dirty thief & treat her as such don't be surprised to see that is what happens.

Why blame yourself for your shortcomings when you can blame a woman, right?

Edit: Sorry iwreck, you don't need this in your journal, my apologies. :(

yeah, except she's actully been around nearly 5 years. we've just been married three. yes, that is an eternity to an 8 year old. i really can't understand how she could be this cruel to my daughter. a short time ago my kid stunned me, when she told me out of the blue one day"well daady, you and your wife will probably be married for a long timne before you get divorced." i asked what she meant, and she said, well, everybody gets divorced. :( i told her "no baby, not me and my wife, we love each other, and when we have problems we talk them out, i don't think we'll ever get divorced." well, so much for that. yea thats hard.... I wonder how your wife would explane this to your kid.
I sure hope your kid doesnt loose faith in promises and people so soon. your wife has the rotten attitude that in relationships its okay to lie and cheat. from a distance, and knowing that reality is not so simple, I would like to say: screw her. youre better of without her, and who knows who youll meet next. dont lose faith.

If you expect a woman to be a dirty thief & treat her as such don't be surprised to see that is what happens.

:nonono: The subject matter is too abstract for your mind, sorry.



Why blame yourself for your shortcomings when you can blame a woman, right?

Right, I forgot everything is the man's fault in the brave new world.

This is another example of women not knowing when to STFU. You don't care if Jwreck wants to see your post or not, it doesn't matter to you, all you want is to flap your mouth. "You don't need this in your journal, my apologies?" Please!

jwreck there is a saying in spanish "tal palo tal astilla" it means a splint of wood and wood are same, the translation is lousy but that sounds like your mom in law and ex wife, what a couple of bitches, get angry and dont hurt, thats my advice, show indifference even if you are hurting and angry.
I shall keep you in my thoughts hun, hang in there.

I think the English equivalent is "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

:nonono: The subject matter is too abstract for your mind, sorry.





Right, I forgot everything is the man's fault in the brave new world.

This is another example of women not knowing when to STFU. You don't care if Jwreck wants to see your post or not, it doesn't matter to you, all you want is to flap your mouth. "You don't need this in your journal, my apologies?" Please!

And this right here is an example of when a SuperMod needs to intercede and tell a member to STFU.

Cool it, brain. This is J's personal journal, not your soap box to pontificate on the virtues of sexism.

And this right here is an example of when a SuperMod needs to intercede and tell a member to STFU.

Cool it, brain. This is J's personal journal, not your soap box to pontificate on the virtues of sexism.thanks, and yes i agree. please take the crap elsewhere. this isn't a debate thread.

jwreck...I know you and me haven't really been pleasant to each other, but I would like to tell you this coming from the other side. Hopefully it will help.

My first wife and me were married 12 years......she dealt with me being gone all over the world, put up with months of living on a Army Post alone while I was in the field or on a operation. She tended to my injuries, my personal finances, and my sick mother while I was playing war around the world. She loved me and was always faithful....I was not. While she was sitting at home waiting to spend any time I would give her, I was on RR looking to get laid or when I was home, out drinking with my buddies. After about 9 years of marriage I started to realize what type of woman I had. I started to want a family. After my first son was born, I changed the type behavior that was causing damage to my family. I stopped drinking, womanizing and smoking. I started coming home after last formation. I started helping her around the house and with the baby. But because of my past, I had caused to many problems that wouldn't go away.

She had heard about the other women. She knew all my lies. She stopped trusting me. One day, I came home to a empty house. After all I had done to destroy my marriage, in the end I never thought she would leave me. I was wrong. Just when I started loving her and looking forward to the rest of our lives together with our son, it was over. I never thought about what I was doing while cheating. I always thought she would never know because I was always careful to not fool around where we were stationed.

Well now I know what I have done. I live everyday without my son living at home with me. I know the pain she is dealing with everyday, even now, because of my actions. She still hasn't re-married because she will not, or cannot trust another man. My son is the real loser in this mess. I have been very honest with him about the whole affair. I think he understands but I know he, and rightly so, blames me and we always hold it against me.

I am now re-married and have learned from my mistakes. I now have a wife I love and would do anything for. I have a 5 month old son. I really have a good life, but I don't. I live everyday knowing how I have destroyed a good woman and hurt an innocent child. At times it eats me alive with guilt. Hopefully your ex will have to live with her guilt also. Realize that it might take some time for her to understand what she has done. One day it will hit her, then she will realize what she had and threw away. I know because I took a good time over a good woman....in the end, those good times were nothing compared to the good life I could of had.

Best of luck dealing with this.........
thanks for sharing. i'm sorry you figured it out to late, but i'm glad you learned from it. that's just another pisser, if she does figure it out, someone else gets the benefit from my pain. yeah, now i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i'd like to believe she will see it someday, but i thought she realized it now, so what do i know. :shrug:

skytrooper thats what DA is all about, i also many times have crossed words with wreck but when it comes to situations as this, one good thing about DA is we unite in our hour of need and advice.very true...

so work wasn't nearly as much of a distraction as i hoped. we had a record slow day. i lay awake and stared at th ceiling most of the night. i think it turned out to be a god thing though. i really feel better today. almost human. i'm beginning to see some of the flaws in our relationship in a more realistic manner. i'm seeing that she was never really who i thought she was. i see all the signs now, and realize that i was seeing her as i wanted to. maybe she's right, maybe i did take her for granted. not that that would ever justify what she did. she still should have talked to me. i realize that its better to find out her true character now than 5 years from now, when everything is even more intertangled, more complicated, when me and my daughter are more attached. she still says that there hasn't been any others, but i know that's not true...then i really felt like crap when i mentioned to partner (at work) that one of the little things that sucks about this is i really hate using condoms, and am not looking forward to going back to that, and he innocently said something like "well, you probably should have been using one all along":| i hadn't even thought of that aspect. that was a nice little extra punch in the gut.

funny thing is, i feel more like a fireman now than ever before. that's one of the things that really pisses me off. people often give lip service to the sacrifices that people make for certain jobs. i'm not just talking fireman here. how many soldiers marriages end everyday? people say they appreciate our sacrifice, then they screw around with our spouses. for slimy little mother****er to proclaim to the world that he respects us, considers us heroes, and implores the rest of the world to give us respect, then shake my hand, talk to me like we're friends, then **** my wife...i just hope i never run across his ass. i have way too much to lose to allow myself to do something stupid, but i don't know how i'd react if i saw him again, and that scares me.

It's scary to find out that the one we thought we knew so well is a complete stranger. That happened to me when I left my first husband. I slowly found out this man had a whole facade, and in ten years, he never showed his true self to me at all.
It sounds like your starting to get it sorted out in your head, that's a good sign. Sometimes anger helps us get through the day when nothing else will. :hmm:

It's a funny realization (not ha-ha funny, but "hmm" funny, like the tingly feeling you get when the dentist gives you novacaine) when you figure out that you saw someone as you wanted them to be and not as they were/are. It's hard to accept that you could have blinded yourself so fully, but once you come to terms with it you become much more aware of people and let their actions and deeds influence your perspective a lot more.

So, I guess that the upside is that once you realize that it's happened, it's unlikely to happen again.

It's a funny realization (not ha-ha funny, but "hmm" funny, like the tingly feeling you get when the dentist gives you novacaine) when you figure out that you saw someone as you wanted them to be and not as they were/are. It's hard to accept that you could have blinded yourself so fully, but once you come to terms with it you become much more aware of people and let their actions and deeds influence your perspective a lot more.

So, I guess that the upside is that once you realize that it's happened, it's unlikely to happen again.

I liken it to "I'm going to throw up" feeling. :hmm:

You seems to be dwelling less on "what did I do wrong?" which is positive-we all make mistakes but youre right nothing mitigates being treated like that-you seem to be snapping back quicker than I did/Hang in there,Partner-it'll take a while but there better times ahead...

I noticed that. He's handling it MUCH better than I did too. Good on ya man. You'll be back on top in no time.

I noticed that. He's handling it MUCH better than I did too. Good on ya man. You'll be back on top in no time.
as i read this through my tears...analyzing stuff doesn't make it easier to swallow. i will say the shock is starting to wear off, and the habit of her is killing me now. little things, sorting the mail and setting it aside for her to look through. calling my kid from work and then knowing i should be calling her next, seeing her car on the driveway and getting that excited feeling for a split second because she's home...then remembering why its sitting in my driveway. :(

i feel like such a tool. i just spent two hours packing her nick-nacks with great care, and i feel guilty for not getting them all back in the styrofoam boxes. :nonono:

It's scary to find out that the one we thought we knew so well is a complete stranger. That happened to me when I left my first husband. I slowly found out this man had a whole facade, and in ten years, he never showed his true self to me at all.
It sounds like your starting to get it sorted out in your head, that's a good sign. Sometimes anger helps us get through the day when nothing else will. :hmm:
i can't imagin this after 10 years. i think that would kill me. :(

i can't imagin this after 10 years. i think that would kill me. :(

Anger gives you the strength to do what you have to get through it. And the kids...without them, I dunno...

It's scary to find out that the one we thought we knew so well is a complete stranger. That happened to me when I left my first husband. I slowly found out this man had a whole facade, and in ten years, he never showed his true self to me at all.
It sounds like your starting to get it sorted out in your head, that's a good sign. Sometimes anger helps us get through the day when nothing else will. :hmm:

I am so sorry to hear such horrible things happen to such good people. I cannot imagine the strength you must show to continue your life, after investing so much trust and time in a relationship.

It's a good thing to find out though, there's nothing more horrible than livin in a lie.

i feel like such a tool. i just spent two hours packing her nick-nacks with great care, and i feel guilty for not getting them all back in the styrofoam boxes. :nonono:

Don't know what nick-nacks are, but may I ask why you packed it instead of throwing it away, or burning it, or just leaving it on the porch?

Hmmm... guess it was the initial shock afterall. Sorry bro.

Hey J, Ive come to the thread late but I guess you're still in the same funk so...

Just wanted to say: you can trust another woman again, just don't trust that woman again!

M.

I am so sorry to hear such horrible things happen to such good people. I cannot imagine the strength you must show to continue your life, after investing so much trust and time in a relationship.

It's a good thing to find out though, there's nothing more horrible than livin in a lie.

Leaving was hard, but looking back I see it was being in the marriage, with the turmoil & head games, that was terrible. It's amazing how things fall together in a good way when people aren't trying to sabotage you anymore.

Hey J, Ive come to the thread late but I guess you're still in the same funk so...

Just wanted to say: you can trust another woman again, just don't trust that woman again!

M.yeah, that's a safe bet (not trusting her that is).

Don't know what nick-nacks are, but may I ask why you packed it instead of throwing it away, or burning it, or just leaving it on the porch?
because i'm a sucker. that's been established. because i love her and care about her. because i still don't want to believe its true. because this whole thing will go smoother if we don't try to rip each others guts out any more than it already is. yeah, mostly because i'm a sucker.

because i'm a sucker. that's been established. because i love her and care about her. because i still don't want to believe its true. because this whole thing will go smoother if we don't try to rip each others guts out any more than it already is. yeah, mostly because i'm a sucker.

You are being the bigger person & there's nothing wrong with that. :)
Why waste all your energy fighting with her?

Good grief that's right-it'd be a lot worse to amp up the conflict...

Hmmm... guess it was the initial shock afterall. Sorry bro.i think its also the realization that not only was she lying to me, but I was lying to me. the more i look back the more instances i remember of times that were to obvious to ignore, that i would ask her about and then just accept her answer, no matter how unbelievable. so, back to the "what did i do wrong?", i have my answer. i know it happened before. i don't know what was different this time. maybe it was just look coupled with her boldness that i caught her. maybe it was just enough small doubts finally adding up. i'm not sure...but i will say that it makes me glad its over. it makes me realize that i do have some reponsibility in this, for kidding myself the past few years. i was thinking last night about how the last five years have been the best in my life, and while that's certainly true, i realize now that part of the reason why they were so good is that i was only allowing myself to see what i wanted to see.

You are being the bigger person & there's nothing wrong with that. :)
Why waste all your energy fighting with her?
yeah, but i also think its that it just hasn't sunk in yet that its a really bad idea to love her.

You'll figure it out. And one day, you'll be thinking about her, trying to remember what it was about her that made you fall in love with her...and you'll come up blank.

Did you get new sheets for your bed yet?

JW-you take care of poeple-that's who you are-nothing will change that-and it doesnt make you a sucker

thanks, and yes i agree. please take the crap elsewhere. this isn't a debate thread.

Just trying to make you feel better dood! Glad to be your recepticle.

****ing hell. pulled onto my street after work this morning, saw her car sitting in the driveway and got excited for a second. :( i hate this. i start feeling semi-okay, then its like someone sneaks up behind me and rips my heart out again when i least expect it. i am doing better though overrall. i've actually eaten a bit the last two days. i've lost over 10 pounds already though.

i think its also the realization that not only was she lying to me, but I was lying to me. the more i look back the more instances i remember of times that were to obvious to ignore, that i would ask her about and then just accept her answer, no matter how unbelievable. so, back to the "what did i do wrong?", i have my answer. i know it happened before. i don't know what was different this time. maybe it was just look coupled with her boldness that i caught her. maybe it was just enough small doubts finally adding up. i'm not sure...but i will say that it makes me glad its over. it makes me realize that i do have some reponsibility in this, for kidding myself the past few years. i was thinking last night about how the last five years have been the best in my life, and while that's certainly true, i realize now that part of the reason why they were so good is that i was only allowing myself to see what i wanted to see.
That's a great sign that you're coming to term with things and seeing her for what she really is. Eventually you'll be at a point that you'll be able to look at all the facts and realize that you're better off without her, so you won't be missing her if you are glad to be without her. It's hard to imagine now, but the time will come. The fact that you don't have kids is a great advantage because you're never going to have to deal with her again. In time you'll be able to cut off the ties with her and walk away from all this with a clean slate, and the experience will help you avoid making the same mistake in the future. After a while you're going to be just fine. :nice:

she's coming to get some stuff...i'm scared shitless to see her. :| we just talked on the phone, and she sounded so much like the woman i married...:(

It wouldn't be a bad idea to have someone else present - whether it's as moral support or as a witness. Tempers often flare and accusations often fly in these situations, and either way it's good to have someone else who can back you up.

she's coming to get some stuff...i'm scared shitless to see her. :| we just talked on the phone, and she sounded so much like the woman i married...:(
:(



hugz ya tight pal, i wish this bad time will go fast for you and dissapear, Betty summed it pretty well for ya.

she's coming to get some stuff...i'm scared shitless to see her. :| we just talked on the phone, and she sounded so much like the woman i married...:(

Be strong buddy! Hang in there.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to have someone else present - whether it's as moral support or as a witness. Tempers often flare and accusations often fly in these situations, and either way it's good to have someone else who can back you up.
I second that.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now! It will get better. It'll never go away, but it will get better I promise. :(

well that sucked. it was so hard to see her. we tried to talk some, but it didn't really work very well. nothing ugly or hostile, just a lot of emotions. no answers at all...not that i really expected any. i tried to make her realize how i feel. i told her how i feel about her mother. i told her how i feel about her. i told her how i feel about her bf. i told her how i feel about what she did to my daughter. i told her how much i really want to hate her. i told her how i don't understand why i wasn't worth any effort. i don't understand any of it. how could she throw it away so easily? how could she be so cold? how can she look at me now and tell me that she doesn't love me anymore? how do you turn it off? i wish someone could teach me how to turn it off. i still love her so much. when i saw her i just wanted to hold her and tell her that we can make everything okay. i just wanted to hear that it was some kind of misunderstanding. i just wanted it to make some kind of sense...

If only there were answers... I bet she doesn't even know why she did what she did. :(

If only there were answers... I bet she doesn't even know why she did what she did. :(that's what she says, i'm not really sure i believe her or not. she also says its never happened before, which i don't believe. she did apologize though, which was nice.

that's what she says, i'm not really sure i believe her or not. she also says its never happened before, which i don't believe. she did apologize though, which was nice.

I hope you realize that this is most likely something lacking in her, rather than something you did, or didn't do.
In my book, there's no excuse for cheating. I always felt that an unhappy person should leave if they feel it's over. I think an affair is cowardly. She opted out without doing it respectfully or taking you into consideration. :mad:

jwreck, I'm coming to this thread late too, but I just wanted to say I think you're a good person and i'm so sorry you're going through this. Heartbreak is probably the worst pain there is... and I know how tough it can be. :hmm:

There is always hope though, and as Betty said, after a while you'll be alright...and stronger and wiser.

<3

I hope you realize that this is most likely something lacking in her, rather than something you did, or didn't do.
In my book, there's no excuse for cheating. I always felt that an unhappy person should leave if they feel it's over. I think an affair is cowardly. She opted out without doing it respectfully or taking you into consideration. :mad:yeah, i do know the issue lies with her. i even suggested that she needs to seek help with some self-esteem issues she has. i really believe that most of the things she accused me of about not having confidence in her are just a projection of her own insecurities onto me. however, i'm not a shrink.

this is her fault. i know that. that doesn't make me feel any less like a failure though. i still feel like i should have been able to help her overcome these things. i think i would have had she given me a chance to help her. i think that's the worst part right now, knowing that i wasn't even worth any effort whatsoever. she says she just "snapped" from the pressures in her life. yet she didn't come to me. that was supposed to be our agreement. we talk about things. we work things out together, no matter if they're big or small things. she didn't even try. she didn't say a word. in fact, she often told me i was the best husband ever. the whole time she was with someone else...

yeah, i do know the issue lies with her. i even suggested that she needs to seek help with some self-esteem issues she has. i really believe that most of the things she accused me of about not having confidence in her are just a projection of her own insecurities onto me. however, i'm not a shrink.

this is her fault. i know that. that doesn't make me feel any less like a failure though. i still feel like i should have been able to help her overcome these things. i think i would have had she given me a chance to help her. i think that's the worst part right now, knowing that i wasn't even worth any effort whatsoever. she says she just "snapped" from the pressures in her life. yet she didn't come to me. that was supposed to be our agreement. we talk about things. we work things out together, no matter if they're big or small things. she didn't even try. she didn't say a word. in fact, she often told me i was the best husband ever. the whole time she was with someone else...

There's no excuse for infidelity. Saying it was a reaction to stress is ridiculous.
Don't let her play the victim. She is an adult and everything she has done until now has put her where she is. She has nobody to blame but herself.

jwreck, I have such empathy for you. It's a terrible betrayal, to find that a partner is cheating when you had no clue. It's like it blindsides you and you're left reeling, thinking, "what the f*ck? How could I have been so stupid as to not notice?"

There is no quick and easy fix. There has been some excellent advice given in this thread, but the simple fact is that only time will heal your heart. It's been almost a year for me, since my husband left me, and sometimes the pain is still so fresh that it takes my breath away.

I could give you a whole lot of rhetoric about how it will get better and you need to be strong for you kid and you're better off without her, but that's all bullshit and it won't put a band-aide on your heart and it won't make the other side of the bed less empty and it won't salve your sense of outrage.

I am so sorry, Jwreck - no one deserves this kind of pain. :(

Hugs and good vibes to you :ughug:

There's no excuse for infidelity. Saying it was a reaction to stress is ridiculous.
Don't let her play the victim. She is an adult and everything she has done until now has put her where she is. She has nobody to blame but herself.

I agree. I had a cheating wife. She chose her actions, and I did what I had to do in response. Now she lives the consequences.

Don't buy into any idea that you "caused " her to cheat, even if she tells you that. It's a lie. Fidelity and trustworthiness are choices. They aren't always easy, especially when temptations present themselves, but there's no excuse for giving in to those temptations, and it's no one else's fault when someone does.

We could all choose to cheat. Most of us don't, but lots of people do. Betrayal is probabnly one of the worst possible things to go through emotioanally, especially when that betrayal comes from the one person in this world we're supposed to be able to completely trust.

JWreck, you'll live, but you'll have to go through all of the pains, and the ups and downs. It's like walking through a fire. You have to get to the other side, but it's going to hurt going through it. There's no easy answer, but I can assure you that it does get better; eventually. Don't put any time frame on it, because we're all different, and so is every relationship.

Eventually, you'll probably reach a a point where you'll wonder what you ever even saw in this woman, why you ever trusted her with your heart and see her as she truly is.

The only real advice I can give you is to protect yourself financially, and never let a single day go by without seeing or talking to your child. Whatever you do, don't allow what happened to destroy your role as a father. If that relationship becomes damaged, it can be extremely difficult to repair it, so the best thing is to be sure that it's not dmaged in the first place.

I've learned over time that being a father is more important to me than being a husband ever was. That may sound harsh, and I never dreamed I would ever feel this way, but it's true. Children are an incredible gift, and they don't just walk into our lives the way women do. They also go through lots of undeserved pain when their parents split, so your child needs you now more than ever. A divorce is a child's worst nightmare come true in most cases.

Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up because it's pointless and will only drive you crazy, and don't blame yourself for the things you didn't do. Sure, take the responsibility for any mistakes you may have done, but don't forget what your intentions were at the time you may have made them.

For instance, a woman may accuse you of being inattentive, but you've been working 14 hours a day for three months and you're exhausted ( I went through such a situation at one point, so it's the first example that popped into my mind). In other words, to keep your sanity, keep things in context. No one wants to work those long hours, but when the intention was to help the family and make life better for everyone, that's no crime, and an unselfish woman can easily see that.


I know that no one's perfect, and it takes two to make a relationship work, but I have learned that sometimes it only takes one to destroy it.

Oh, and one more thing. If you intend to divorce on the grounds of adultery, don't have sex with her ever again. Once you do, in most states that equals forgiveness on your part, and the case goes right down the drain. I learned that one the hard way myself, and I hate to see people do the same. Adultery can make a divorce happen without a seperation period in some cases, and if you want this to end quickly, break your ties and speak to her only when you must.

yeah, i do know the issue lies with her. i even suggested that she needs to seek help with some self-esteem issues she has. i really believe that most of the things she accused me of about not having confidence in her are just a projection of her own insecurities onto me. however, i'm not a shrink.

this is her fault. i know that. that doesn't make me feel any less like a failure though. i still feel like i should have been able to help her overcome these things. i think i would have had she given me a chance to help her. i think that's the worst part right now, knowing that i wasn't even worth any effort whatsoever. she says she just "snapped" from the pressures in her life. yet she didn't come to me. that was supposed to be our agreement. we talk about things. we work things out together, no matter if they're big or small things. she didn't even try. she didn't say a word. in fact, she often told me i was the best husband ever. the whole time she was with someone else...

When I read this post, I had to post again.

You're not a failure because your wife CHOSE to cheat on you. You were deceived. You're not the first, and certyianly not the last guy who honestly trusted the wrong woman. I did, and so have millions of others, so don't beat yourself up for her actions and choices. Remind yourself that you never would have chosen this situation.

Cheaters put themselves in a situation where they have no choice but to lie or be caught, so they lie, and in time, it becomes easier and easier to do, so they lie more and more. They almost always get caught sooner or later, and almost always blame their spouse in some form or another. It probably eases their guilty consciences a bit to do that, so don't take it personally. Don't get me wrong, it's very personal, but many of the things you're going to hear just aren't real or true, so if you expect that in advance, it won't hurt quite as badly.

Now this may sound cold and harsh, but it's just reality. She didn't come to you for help because for whatever reason (and you may never know why) she didn't want to. Women choose to be where they want to be, and that's where they can be found. That is in no way is a reflection on you; it's on her. You didn't choose this; she did.

You cannot spend your life trying to stroke the ego of an insecure person and make them into normal well adjusted individuals. It's a losers game to try. I know because I tried, and wasted years of my life in the process.

There's nothing wrong with trying to be there for your wife, but there comes a point where there is no point. For whatever reason, she chose another path in spite of your actions and intentions. We can't control those things, and frankly, you would never be happy in a relationship where you had to. In fact, not only would you not be happy, you would be absolutely miserable, because you would never succeed without a willing partner, it's impossible to make another person truly happy on the inside. That's something that an individual either has, or doesn't, and you can't put it there no matter how hard you try.

The "snapped" excuse is just that; an excuse. She had to come up with something when you asked, but no one snaps themselves into an affair. They think usually about it long and hard in most cases, and then decide if it's worth the risk of losing their marriage and family. As crazy as it seems, to many people, it is worth the risk. Sometimes, it's done specifically to get the pioint across that the marriage is over, because the person doesn't have either the courage or the desire to come clean and be honest about their feelings. Others are simply incapable of expressing how they truly feel.



If you have a good friend or two who can be trusted, talk to them. Don't bottle everything up, because it will find it's way out one way or another. It's better to get it out in a healthy way than some other ways like drinking, drugs, confrontations, etc. Those things can haunt and hurt you later, and can even make a difference in how often you see your child, so be very careful. If you can't be around her without a

There are also a few practical things you can do. I would go withdraw at least half of any funds you have in any joint checking or savings accounts (if you don't, don't be surprised if she does). I would change the beneficiary on any life insurance policies to someone you can absolutely trust to control any money for your child. It's legal, and it's a smart thing to do. Get her name off ASAP.

I would also start keeping a journal. Write down anything significant that happens each and every day. If you're denied access to your child, document it. If anything disappears, document it. If you give her money, get a receipt for every penny. You get the idea. Just document everything, and if you have to see her, it'a a good idea to take along a witness if there's any chance of the situation becoming out of control. Not only will a third party reduce the likelihood of that happeneing, she won't be ablte to accuse you of starting any trouble and get away with it.

Also, get a good attorney who has lots of experience in family law. Call around and don't be afraid to ask lots of questions. They'll listen if they want your business. I've gotten thousands of dollars worth of free legal advice that way.

I could ramble on and on, but if you want or need anymore advice from me, feel free to send me a PM. I've been through what you're going through now, and if I can help, I would be more than happy to. Every situation is different, but many things are similiar too.

that's what she says, i'm not really sure i believe her or not. she also says its never happened before, which i don't believe. she did apologize though, which was nice. it was lost allready, man. she never planned to stay, she made her desision a while ago allready. she never bothered to tell you, which is unforgiveble, if you ask me.

Did you get new sheets for your bed yet?yes, and you're right. it really helped. thanks.

thanks so much to everyone for their input and sympathy. i'm so glad i have you guys. this has really helped me so much.

betrade-thanks for sharing your story. i know what you're saying is true, but that doesn't stop all the doubts, all the voices in my head telling me this is my fault. all the "if onlys...", "what if...".

btw, my child is from my first wife, not from this woman, and the frist thing i did was report all my cards stolen and changed bank accounts.

Oh, and one more thing. If you intend to divorce on the grounds of adultery, don't have sex with her ever again. Once you do, in most states that equals forgiveness on your part, and the case goes right down the drain. I learned that one the hard way myself, and I hate to see people do the same. Adultery can make a divorce happen without a seperation period in some cases, and if you want this to end quickly, break your ties and speak to her only when you must.:eek3: that's horseshit! forgiveness? how the hell do they figure that? thanks for the heads up, i'll certainly keep that in mind.

it was lost allready, man. she never planned to stay, she made her desision a while ago allready. she never bothered to tell you, which is unforgiveble, if you ask me.you're right. like i said, i know that's true, but it doesn't really make it easier.

she's no her way now to get the rest of her stuff. i really don't want to see her, but i'm sooo ready to start getting on with my life, which i cannot do with her stuff all over the place.

Is there enough time for you to call a friend to come over?

I know it sounds silly, like you need a keeper or something, but having a third person there would insure that there are no theatrics on her part.

Jwreck, maybe saying one final goodbye could help push her out of your life for good. A symbol of the end and of a new start by getting her out and telling her goodbye. Don't speak to her except for when she's leaving, just say goodbye. It may help emotionally to say that, it may help to let her go out of your mind. It may be painful to say it, but after the initial pain of it, it could help. Best of luck man, I can't say I know much about this stuff because I've never dealt with it. I do know the pain things like that can bring and all I can say is just hang in there. Hang in there and soon you'll find a new person. A new woman, much better than her. Try to think of all the things she did that you hated or that annoyed you, that could help as well. You'll find someone better, things will improve after she leaves with her stuff. Good luck, I wish you the best.

I think it'd be more theraputic to tell her "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" and flip her the bird.

but that's just me...

well, that sucked. first of all, she didn't get all her stuff. she has to come back and get her furniture. she was happy, smiling and joking. not an ounce of concern. for me, its one of the worst days of my life. for her, its just saturday. i can't believe it.i'm such a dumbass. why did ever love her? how could i fall in love with someone like that? i thought i was so cautious last time...i thought i had covered all the angle, i thought she was the one. i thought she loved me. how could i have been so ****ing blind? love sucks. i'll never let myself be that vulnerable again.

Wow, that's ****ing rude and just plain sick. She should be hanging her head in shame if you ask me. One more reason to follow my advice in post 174 when she gets the last of her stuff.

Honey, it's Sunday. And, trust me, there are going to be worse days. (not what you want to hear, yeah?) My worst day was when I had to sign the divorce papers. But I was lucky. Immediately after our divorce was final, my ex started shooting dope and his life fell apart, and I got to say, "nah, nah, nah".

It will get better, I promise. She might get fat. ;)

Yeah, I love watching my ex get fat, and when her homewrecker BF got his car impounded, and when she started collecting unemployment... I giggled a little on the inside.

And isn't that fun? I mean, I know I should be the better person and yadda, yadda, yadda, but I do take a little bit of pleasure in being able to snicker a little bit at my ex. (who, by the way, is being sentenced on Monday and will probably do 3-5.) I shouldn't smile so much about that, but I still do.

jwreck i send you tonnes of strength for the tough times you are going through, hugz A.

so, i got tired of looking at her shit in my living room, so i borrowed my moms truck and hauled it to her mom's house. she still has to get some stuff out of the garage, but she's out of my living room. i feel a little better now. i still can't believe she was so nice and jovial this morning.

Honey, it's Sunday. yeah, that. :|
It will get better, I promise. She might get fat. ;)well, she's just made her life 10 times more difficult. she's going back to work at wal-mart. she was barely able to stay up with her studies before, i don't know what she thinks she's going to do now. she has to take the lsat in a couple of weeks too, and if she doesn't do well, she won't have a prayer at getting into law school. of course, as upset as she seems, i don't think its gonna matter to her taking it so soon.

you're right. like i said, i know that's true, but it doesn't really make it easier.no, not at all. Im afraid its gonna be hard for a long while....

i caught her cheating on saturday. our three year anniversary was nov 1. i had absolutely no clue. we've never even had a fight. she threw our 3 year marriage away for a guy she met 3 months ago. i believed all her little lies. i even believed