I have no idea what the **** is wrong with me. I try to cut him out of my life for a little while, and everything gets worse--I'm not having to see or talk to him, but it's like he's always there in my subconcious. Like I can never get rid of him, no matter how hard I try.

And it's not like my father was EVER something I needed in my life--all he's ever done, since I was really small, is make me feel shitty about myself. I can't remember one f'ing time where he's uttered the words "Good job," or "I'm proud of you". Never. All he's done is put me through bad depression spells and caused me to have major trust issues.

In fact, trust issues is a part of why I'm posting this on a message board instead of going to my friends to talk it out. Because I'm so f*cking scared that they'll leave if I lean on them too much. Or maybe they'll think I'm crazy. Atleast this way, no one HAS to listen to me whine and complain.

And another reason why this shouldn't be bothering me is that I'm not lacking a father figure in my life. Sure, my stepdad and I fight and ever since the near-divorce last year I've been scared to death he's gonna leave again, but he's there. My uncle Ray and uncle Eric have always acted father-like towards me.Hell, even my male friends usually have that brotherly, older-male-presence. There is so much frickin testosterone in my life that Burr being slack shouldn't bother me IN THE LEAST LITTLE BIT! But you know what? It does. It really, really does.

So I have no idea what in the hell to do. If I continue trying to have a semi-normal relationship with him, I'm going to be crushed when he doesn't respond to my efforts--simple as that. But right now I'm attempting the Give Up And Move On route, and that's not going any better.

Sometimes it's like I want to tell him how bad he ****ed me up. He doesn't have a clue--I've always been the fine-just-fine-perfectly-happy me around him and most of my family. I've written so much about him, basically trying to sum up this whole post in a poem....only when it's in poem form, I can still pretend that I'm fine-just-fine-perfectly-happy-just-a-lazy-writer. Sometimes I want to take all that I've written about him and email it to him....just so he knows.

But other times, I think that reading those would hurt him or piss him off. Then he wouldn't ever want to see me again (see the pattern here? I'm always afraid people are going to f*cking leave) and I don't know if I could handle that. I'm not even able to handle the prospect of not having him in my life anymore! Though I'm not able to handle having him IN my life too well, either.

****. :P

I'm not even able to handle the prospect of not having him in my life anymore! Though I'm not able to handle having him IN my life too well, either.
So why not try to define where in between you want to be? Figure out how often you want to see him, for how long, in what kinds of contexts, and make that happen. I know it sounds weird to schedule something like that, but it seems to have worked for people I know. Granted, that was mostly in other kinds of relationships, but that doesn't mean it won't work for you. If you change your mind later, decide you want more or less or different time with him, then you can. Meanwhile, you gain a measure of control over the relationship and how you let if affect you. There's nothing wrong with taking a step back to rebuild a relationship that seems to have gone in the wrong direction.

So why not try to define where in between you want to be? Figure out how often you want to see him, for how long, in what kinds of contexts, and make that happen. I know it sounds weird to schedule something like that, but it seems to have worked for people I know. Granted, that was mostly in other kinds of relationships, but that doesn't mean it won't work for you. If you change your mind later, decide you want more or less or different time with him, then you can. Meanwhile, you gain a measure of control over the relationship and how you let if affect you. There's nothing wrong with taking a step back to rebuild a relationship that seems to have gone in the wrong direction.
I'd like to do that--but that's where I'm having a problem.

For the past couple years, I've been in charge of the relationship--he doesn't often invite me over, call me etc. BUT he has never told me I could not come over when I've asked....so basically I see and talk to him whenever I feel like dealing with him. Which I guess is nice, in a way.

Despite this, however, he still manages to hurt me. He often goes out of his way to make me feel guilty (and as anyone who knows me can tell you, it's not difficult). Even when I was younger, I believed that keeping the relationship going was my responsibility. He seems to think that, too--in the past he's made me feel guilty for not coming over or calling him for a long period of time (yet he didn't once invite me over, and didn't call me himself until he thought it was time to make me feel bad).

So that's why I can't find an inbetween with him. He always wins. :hmm:

he seems like a bitter person... but still if he wouldnt care about you, he would just forget you existed.

Unfortunately, just because someone is an adult, it doesn't mean they know how to do all the things an adult, or parent should do. He may not be able to say what you need to hear & know how to make things better. You can tell him he needs to initiate some visits & communication because he's making you feel like you're working on the relationship for the both of you. We can't expect people to know what's in our minds, and how we feel, if we don't communicate it.
I don't mean to say it's your fault he's acting like this because you haven't said anything, but not everyone thinks the same as you, and we can't assume they have a clue what goes on in someone else's head.

Bring it up to him. Tell him it cannot always be up to you, and if he doesn't contribute, he gets what he puts in, and he only has himself to blame.