Im sorry I didnt call you on your birthday - for the rest of my life I know its something I wont forgive myself for
Im sorry I dont think I can go back there again. When I think about it, I feel like theres nothing more left for me there
Im sorry that when I heard about you, one of the first things that went through my mind was that you wouldnt see me get married
Im sorry I wasnt there at the end, Im sorry I couldnt handle it. I thought I was stronger than that.
Im sorry I let work interfere with things, if I had a do over, it would be different.
Im sorry it felt different this time. I dont know why.
Im sorry I cant talk about it.
Im sorry I cant talk to you - we were never close, we never will be. The thought of talking to you makes me feel sick with dread. I cant force a relationship you had no interest in because "its the right thing to do"
Im sorry I dont cry over you. I suppose I should, but I cant - you made your bed and you need to lie in it.
Im sorry that other people are more family to me now than you are - its too late now.
Im sorry I reacted the way I did on my birthday, it would horrify you had you seen it
Im sorry I cant express what I want to other people. I feel alone and its my own fault.
Im sorry I cant be there for you. I want to be and I try to be, but you need to push this away and I want to talk about it.
Im sorry I asked to share your burden, Id never tell you that, but I cant handle it. I cant carry it with you, its too much.
Im sorry I cant tell you what it is I need, I dont know myself.
Im sorry that youre no longer part of what I do - but the truth is, Im stronger without you.

dare i ask?

People, situations, life, death. Theres so much that I would change, and wouldnt change, and need - and dont need. Its getting too much to deal with for me. I need to get it out - Im just making myself sicker and sicker.

Rayney
let it out am here if you need to talk.

Dee honey, at the risk of sounding all new agey and metaphysical, the most important person in your life should be you. And the toxic relationships in your life should always, always take a long second place.

It's lovely to realize that there may or may not have been things that you should have or wished you could have done differently, but at the end of the day, the only important thing to you should be your head and your heart.

Guilt is a tricky emotion; use it as a learning tool, but don't use it as a bat to beat yourself.

Rayney
let it out am here if you need to talk.

Thanks :)

Dee honey, at the risk of sounding all new agey and metaphysical, the most important person in your life should be you. And the toxic relationships in your life should always, always take a long second place.

It's lovely to realize that there may or may not have been things that you should have or wished you could have done differently, but at the end of the day, the only important thing to you should be your head and your heart.

Guilt is a tricky emotion; use it as a learning tool, but don't use it as a bat to beat yourself.

Thanks as well :)

Im doing my best right now, Ive realised how sick Im making myself with guilt and stress and all the other crap going on in my life...I just dont have the coping skills for all of this stuff at once...and having suffered and crawled out (eventually) of depression, Im just terrified Im going to end up back where I started from. If the physical manifestations dont get better soon, I will have to return to my Dr I guess. :)

People, situations, life, death. Theres so much that I would change, and wouldnt change, and need - and dont need. Its getting too much to deal with for me. I need to get it out - Im just making myself sicker and sicker.

Dash it Rayney,I am depressed now.

Just remember:
When you long for blessings,you may not name(1st post),and when you grieve knowing not the cause(frist post),then indeed you are growing with all
(points in 1st post)things that grow,AND RISING TO YOUR GREATER SELF
What your 1st post tells me is that you have achieved or about to achieve your greater self.

Do not change,what you wish to change:
You owe more than gold to those who serve you in death,life,situations.
Give them your heart or serve them.

Youre not really supposed to be getting that kind of drama for another 15 years...