BonnieBon
06-09-2002, 12:55 AM
ughh-- im just realy "tired" I put quotes around tired, because i cant just take a nap and be all right, or get exactly eight hours of sleep and expect to feel fine... i'd like to think that would change soon, but the scary thing is, i just dont see that happening.
so whats the crazy venting girl buggin about now you may ask?
this journal is actually a good idea for me right now because sometimes you just gotta unload all this stuff somewhere.. and as much as people tell you that you can talk to them... most of them are so full of it, even if they dont realize it...
so-- i decided not to make plans tonight... im just exhausted, and also, more importantly, I need my car to be okay for tomorrow and hopefully for monday, then either monday afternoon or tuesday morning, i have to have it looked at.. some issues under the hood... can you say ticking time bomb? :rolleyes:
anyways, I was going to work on my novel, watch old movies or something... turn in early... wow, i sound older than 19 years old... but i just didnt feel like hanging out with my friends tonight.. so i turned on when harry met sally, I borrowed it from my friend, and i watched it for a while.. and i knew i was about to zonk out, so i turned it off and took a nap...an hour and a half later i woke up... turned it back on... then a while later my parents decide to talk very very loudly... at one point my dad comes in, turns on the lights in the room... it had been pitch black.. he keeps talking, mom mom is yelling.. not about anything important.. i think she has a daly minimum of words that have to be screamed.... i dont care what people say.. i will never become my mother... anyways.. finally when i can no longer hear the dialogue, i left... now its a quarter to ten, the other vcrs are not working... except one outside... but the parental units mentioned going out or at least eventually they will go back to their room... and maybe, just maybe, I will get to enjoy the rest of my movie.. i have no idea how much is left... i just finished the fake orgasm scene...
whatever.. i mean, what i am complaining about is not only not a big deal in general..i pretty much dont care either.. what i really care about is that it's saturday night and instead of having fun with my friends, I am home, pissed off that i probably wont get to go to church tomorrow
i was conceptualizing an alibi, but i dont think i could handle the lie.. i have a counselor meeting at 2:30.. if i said i was having breakfast with some of the counselors, would they ever know i went to church? no way... but i dont know... ya know, it was lying all those times I went to bible studies on tuesday nights, but those were easier to get away with and deal with... church is...complicated...
yeah..i dont think im going.... but maybe i should... it will ruin my day anyways... not going: I sleep later, and feeel sad that i dont get to go. inwardly, feel resentful that i didnt get to go... not get to see everyone there... and not get the whole continuity thing... its weird coming into this love for God and not being able to jump into it the way i would if i were "allowed" to...oh well, i still have the aha moments as oprah would say... i love oprah, she rocks...
anyways... i want to go to church because tuesday night bible study was soooooo good. some things really clicked for me... they always talk about coming to a new level with God and stuff... and when things really change, it is pretty freakin cool....
so that was the not going side... which is a bummer, but here is the going side
scenario: GOING: lying outwardly to my parents.... leaving for church, knowing they think im gong somewhere else. worrying about that the whole time im in church.... what if my car broke down in the church parking lot and they found out... stupid stuff like that... coming home is the worst part i think.... at least i'd have plans afterwards so i wouldnt be walking in at 12:30 or 1 and saying yeah i had fun doing.... when i was really at church...
sorry...im rambling so much i cant even stand myself, so im going to shut up... im really not this whiny... its a phase... :mad:
so whats the crazy venting girl buggin about now you may ask?
this journal is actually a good idea for me right now because sometimes you just gotta unload all this stuff somewhere.. and as much as people tell you that you can talk to them... most of them are so full of it, even if they dont realize it...
so-- i decided not to make plans tonight... im just exhausted, and also, more importantly, I need my car to be okay for tomorrow and hopefully for monday, then either monday afternoon or tuesday morning, i have to have it looked at.. some issues under the hood... can you say ticking time bomb? :rolleyes:
anyways, I was going to work on my novel, watch old movies or something... turn in early... wow, i sound older than 19 years old... but i just didnt feel like hanging out with my friends tonight.. so i turned on when harry met sally, I borrowed it from my friend, and i watched it for a while.. and i knew i was about to zonk out, so i turned it off and took a nap...an hour and a half later i woke up... turned it back on... then a while later my parents decide to talk very very loudly... at one point my dad comes in, turns on the lights in the room... it had been pitch black.. he keeps talking, mom mom is yelling.. not about anything important.. i think she has a daly minimum of words that have to be screamed.... i dont care what people say.. i will never become my mother... anyways.. finally when i can no longer hear the dialogue, i left... now its a quarter to ten, the other vcrs are not working... except one outside... but the parental units mentioned going out or at least eventually they will go back to their room... and maybe, just maybe, I will get to enjoy the rest of my movie.. i have no idea how much is left... i just finished the fake orgasm scene...
whatever.. i mean, what i am complaining about is not only not a big deal in general..i pretty much dont care either.. what i really care about is that it's saturday night and instead of having fun with my friends, I am home, pissed off that i probably wont get to go to church tomorrow
i was conceptualizing an alibi, but i dont think i could handle the lie.. i have a counselor meeting at 2:30.. if i said i was having breakfast with some of the counselors, would they ever know i went to church? no way... but i dont know... ya know, it was lying all those times I went to bible studies on tuesday nights, but those were easier to get away with and deal with... church is...complicated...
yeah..i dont think im going.... but maybe i should... it will ruin my day anyways... not going: I sleep later, and feeel sad that i dont get to go. inwardly, feel resentful that i didnt get to go... not get to see everyone there... and not get the whole continuity thing... its weird coming into this love for God and not being able to jump into it the way i would if i were "allowed" to...oh well, i still have the aha moments as oprah would say... i love oprah, she rocks...
anyways... i want to go to church because tuesday night bible study was soooooo good. some things really clicked for me... they always talk about coming to a new level with God and stuff... and when things really change, it is pretty freakin cool....
so that was the not going side... which is a bummer, but here is the going side
scenario: GOING: lying outwardly to my parents.... leaving for church, knowing they think im gong somewhere else. worrying about that the whole time im in church.... what if my car broke down in the church parking lot and they found out... stupid stuff like that... coming home is the worst part i think.... at least i'd have plans afterwards so i wouldnt be walking in at 12:30 or 1 and saying yeah i had fun doing.... when i was really at church...
sorry...im rambling so much i cant even stand myself, so im going to shut up... im really not this whiny... its a phase... :mad: