Since I see no hope in getting to sleep anytime soon, I figured I'd make a journal entry. :p


Tomorrow I'm going over to see Burr again. I'm so tired and really don't want to go but he's so sick so I feel like I have to. :p I won't be home again until Monday. I usually still get a little online time when I'm there, though, so HOORAY! :D

I don't think I ever did mention that I DID talk to my mom--it was a good, long one, too. I told her about every way getting depressed is affecting me and how I didn't know what I needed, but that I wanted help out of this. She basicly said that if I could talk to her about it right at that moment, then I can come to her regularly so I don't need therapy or medicine or anything. And I didn't want to be mean and explain that I CAN'T talk to her about this stuff normally and that's why I was telling her now, so I'm screwed. :p

I've also been feeling a little crappy because one of my OL friends said I was an Emo the other day. Of course it wasn't meant in a mean way or anything, it was just one of those jokes-that-you-believe-is-true kind of things. I'm not TRYING to be all mopey and stuff and I'm not trying to be an attention whore or anything....I only act like this online because I CAN'T IRL.I don't have anyone I can talk to that doesn't have enough of shit to deal with, so I unload all of the emotional crap on total strangers so that I can pretend to be normal otherwise. That's half the reason my mom doesn't think there's anything wrong with me; she said that she's pretty sure she would have noticed if I was depressed or suicidal or blah blah blah because there's specific behavior. But because I KNOW this, I make sure that I don't act like that.

So when I make these journal entries or whine threads or whatever, it's not because I want people to pay attention to it; it's because DA is a good place to keep things hidden. I don't keep a journal IRL because I'm afraid someone will find it.

But it's not like I don't care about my OL friends--it's just that if they were to get fed up with me, it's easier for them to walk away from me and just end the friendship. But if my family is fed up they can't STOP being my family--they're stuck with me. And I know that Jess is too nice to just tell me to STFU to my face.

....holy shit, I feel so much better. Maybe I'll be able to sleep now. :D

Wow.

Burr is WAY worse off than I thought. Because of pressure that keeps building up in his head, he's having really bad headaches, nose bleeds and memory problems. And when I say memory problems, I mean I got here, talked to him for a little while, he went to sleep and when he woke up he had forgotten that I was here.

Laura scared the shit out of me, too. She started talking about his Will and power of Attorney and a bunch of other stuff that just got all jumbled up in my head because I didn't want to hear it.

I know I complain about him alot, but I don't want him to die. I have been somewhat trying to have a relationship with him, but I kept giving up and now I wish I'd tried harder. I've been so bitchy about how he acts and stuff but now I might not even HAVE him here in a year or so. I feel so incredibly guilty and I can't stand it. I really wish I had been different. :(

You're too young for all these regrets already-the past is gone,be practical-you need to work out a way to deal with this person that wont threaten or hurt you.Give yourself time to work it out.

Oh and I'm kind of emo-it's not terrible...my opinion of spaz though is that she's kind of tough and resilient.

Thanks FM. :)


Burr's doing a little better today--he's been bitching about some stuff, so that's gotta be a good sign...he's obviously not in too much pain to request his food to be made in a particular way. Chefs, I swear...:D