seekerofvisions
06-13-2006, 02:20 PM
ive returned to what im good at; escaping. avoiding. running. avoiding. avoiding. avoiding.
i know i shouldnt but its what i do best. i close the door. i walk away. i dare not think of it anymore. i shut off the ringer on the phone. i dont answer emails. i walk away.
i avoid. i avoid without pretense. i just seem to exist this way, more aptly. but only in cases in which i feel as though i may lose something. a friend. an outlook on the way i see the world. the way i experience life.
avoiding to avoid. walking away so i wont have to run.
i failed to rationalize any of the things my poor little brain desired to rationalize. i became far too lazy and far too fatigued, because ive been avoiding for so long that i couldnt gather the amount of strength necessary. i was on back order.
while lying very still one evening a thought entered my mind with the strength and speed of a freighttrain. it hit me and i sprang up in a seated position and i literally gasped. a moment of clartiy. a glimpse of reality a beautiful, beautiful friend once told me. and he was right. absolutely right.
life was a series of pauses. moments so minute we sometimes miss them. a series of motion pictures that we either take part in or witness. seated across from each other or in alignment with each other. life was a series of experiences, not accumulations. life was on pause. life was on fast forward or broken into the past. life was a series of pauses to look at ourselves. to notice or feel our changes taking place. life was a series of pauses and movements. some taken into consideration while others still waited to be reviewed. life was a constant shift in awareness, a shifting of perceptions. moments of clarity. moments of anticipation. life was a circle that rang around us, forever ringing and holding us in place, shaking us, stirring us. clearly and rhythmically. moving us. pausing us. take inventory. shift. move. pause. avoid. run. scream. and sigh.
i know i shouldnt but its what i do best. i close the door. i walk away. i dare not think of it anymore. i shut off the ringer on the phone. i dont answer emails. i walk away.
i avoid. i avoid without pretense. i just seem to exist this way, more aptly. but only in cases in which i feel as though i may lose something. a friend. an outlook on the way i see the world. the way i experience life.
avoiding to avoid. walking away so i wont have to run.
i failed to rationalize any of the things my poor little brain desired to rationalize. i became far too lazy and far too fatigued, because ive been avoiding for so long that i couldnt gather the amount of strength necessary. i was on back order.
while lying very still one evening a thought entered my mind with the strength and speed of a freighttrain. it hit me and i sprang up in a seated position and i literally gasped. a moment of clartiy. a glimpse of reality a beautiful, beautiful friend once told me. and he was right. absolutely right.
life was a series of pauses. moments so minute we sometimes miss them. a series of motion pictures that we either take part in or witness. seated across from each other or in alignment with each other. life was a series of experiences, not accumulations. life was on pause. life was on fast forward or broken into the past. life was a series of pauses to look at ourselves. to notice or feel our changes taking place. life was a series of pauses and movements. some taken into consideration while others still waited to be reviewed. life was a constant shift in awareness, a shifting of perceptions. moments of clarity. moments of anticipation. life was a circle that rang around us, forever ringing and holding us in place, shaking us, stirring us. clearly and rhythmically. moving us. pausing us. take inventory. shift. move. pause. avoid. run. scream. and sigh.