Manu
05-19-2006, 02:22 AM
Consider this my official friends and lovers thread for the past few months. Its been a crazy time in my life. I normally enjoy having that small circle, the 3-4 people you talk to often, see often, spend most of your time with and then the periphery of friends. Given distances, work, life changes, thats not really what the past 6 months have been. My best friends have been off and on 100s of miles away (or 1000s right now) or just down the block but we don't talk...
So, life's demanded change. I've found myself moving in two, seeminly opposite directions. I've really started talking, hanging out, spending more time with a lot of peolpe from my past. Friends from high school, friends from middle school or random peolpe I met freshman year and kept in so so contact with. But then I've also been meeting more and more peolpe. I mean, as much as I prefer having those close relationships in my day to day life, I love meeting new peolpe. I love talking to them, getting to know them, them getting to know me. The process is always so different and electric, it is also very needed. so...lots of new people in my life...
Lovers and love...its been hit and miss. I am holding back. I am not ready. I've not fully let go of the past. I've met a lot of peolpe, gone out with a few. Two in particular, Apple Store and Transit Authority, but I always seem to find reasons or excuses to make it not work. And I don't know, am I just making excuses or was it not working and I want to make myself think I found an excuse as to not believe that it didnt' work. Confusing, I know, it basically mimics my state of mind.
In a Tucker Max story, he talks about his friend Slingblade, and how he feels if a woman doesn't want to go out/hook up with him, she must be dumb, uninteresting, or otherwise flawed. If she does want to go out or hookup with him, she's immediately a dirty tramp. I don't quite go to that extreme, but in a sense, I have those thoughts and pangs. Maybe I am just too self loathing (or was I should say)
Let me explain Tucker Max, a bit. If you're not familiar with him, this piece form his website/book is all you need to know:
My name is Tucker Max, and I am an *******.
I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.
But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way. I share my adventures with the world.
His website www.tuckermax.com (not work safe really) is pretty hysterical, it had some of the stories from his book 'I Hope They Server Beer in hell."
It is totally inappropriate, disgusting, wrong, and just mean sometimes. But its so damn funny. Tucker played a large part of our New Orleans trip. Corey was reading the book and I stole it whenever I could. We would quote it in random places, we'd talk about our 'tucker max' moments and we would seek out a 'Tucker Max adventure.' That may seem silly, and yes, it is silly, but it also makes sense.
Somewhere in NOLA I found my self confidence, to an extent at least. In Tucker Max I found inspiration. Not to be an *******, not to be shallow, low, dishonest, or otherwise a bad person, but to be self confident. Reading his stories I found, they are quite similar to things that my friends may do or expience (just to a crazier degree). For me, the main difference was confidence, not the peolpe, situations, or anything, it was a part of not caring about situations and a part of not caring (as much) about myself and what I think people think of me.
It is in this light, I view my Ashes and Snow experience as my first Tucker Max story. Sure, in his version he would have slept with the girls at the same time, probably on the Ferris wheel and then left them, having not exchange pleasantires or phone numbers. Thats not what I am after, it is merely to be more self confident and approach peolpe.
This (brief) interlude was meant to highlight, that I want/am trying to be more self confident and less self loathing. Life is far to short to be lack confidence and not love yourself. Peolpe are too great to push away. Perhaps I conitnually push away peolpe I am interested in because of my insecurities or maybe I am just not ready...
Or maybe I am still in love with someone else...
So, life's demanded change. I've found myself moving in two, seeminly opposite directions. I've really started talking, hanging out, spending more time with a lot of peolpe from my past. Friends from high school, friends from middle school or random peolpe I met freshman year and kept in so so contact with. But then I've also been meeting more and more peolpe. I mean, as much as I prefer having those close relationships in my day to day life, I love meeting new peolpe. I love talking to them, getting to know them, them getting to know me. The process is always so different and electric, it is also very needed. so...lots of new people in my life...
Lovers and love...its been hit and miss. I am holding back. I am not ready. I've not fully let go of the past. I've met a lot of peolpe, gone out with a few. Two in particular, Apple Store and Transit Authority, but I always seem to find reasons or excuses to make it not work. And I don't know, am I just making excuses or was it not working and I want to make myself think I found an excuse as to not believe that it didnt' work. Confusing, I know, it basically mimics my state of mind.
In a Tucker Max story, he talks about his friend Slingblade, and how he feels if a woman doesn't want to go out/hook up with him, she must be dumb, uninteresting, or otherwise flawed. If she does want to go out or hookup with him, she's immediately a dirty tramp. I don't quite go to that extreme, but in a sense, I have those thoughts and pangs. Maybe I am just too self loathing (or was I should say)
Let me explain Tucker Max, a bit. If you're not familiar with him, this piece form his website/book is all you need to know:
My name is Tucker Max, and I am an *******.
I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.
But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way. I share my adventures with the world.
His website www.tuckermax.com (not work safe really) is pretty hysterical, it had some of the stories from his book 'I Hope They Server Beer in hell."
It is totally inappropriate, disgusting, wrong, and just mean sometimes. But its so damn funny. Tucker played a large part of our New Orleans trip. Corey was reading the book and I stole it whenever I could. We would quote it in random places, we'd talk about our 'tucker max' moments and we would seek out a 'Tucker Max adventure.' That may seem silly, and yes, it is silly, but it also makes sense.
Somewhere in NOLA I found my self confidence, to an extent at least. In Tucker Max I found inspiration. Not to be an *******, not to be shallow, low, dishonest, or otherwise a bad person, but to be self confident. Reading his stories I found, they are quite similar to things that my friends may do or expience (just to a crazier degree). For me, the main difference was confidence, not the peolpe, situations, or anything, it was a part of not caring about situations and a part of not caring (as much) about myself and what I think people think of me.
It is in this light, I view my Ashes and Snow experience as my first Tucker Max story. Sure, in his version he would have slept with the girls at the same time, probably on the Ferris wheel and then left them, having not exchange pleasantires or phone numbers. Thats not what I am after, it is merely to be more self confident and approach peolpe.
This (brief) interlude was meant to highlight, that I want/am trying to be more self confident and less self loathing. Life is far to short to be lack confidence and not love yourself. Peolpe are too great to push away. Perhaps I conitnually push away peolpe I am interested in because of my insecurities or maybe I am just not ready...
Or maybe I am still in love with someone else...