It kinda sucks right now, but I wanted to save it and see if I could fix it. :)

A short silky coat,
black as ink.
Warmth radiating from her tiny body,
golden eyes like two full moons.
Grace comes so naturally,
her moves so smooth and light.
My feline friend,
so dear to me.

It's an epic cat haiku! :nice:

It's not bad,Lass...I'm not sure what you'd want to do to it...

Thanks! It was tons of fun to write. :D :D :D

I likes it! :D

So do I...I don't see how you'd want to "fix" that. :cool:

Well... in the spirit of a little constructive criticism, mein leibchen, with great affection, I offer the following two suggestions:

1. You might wish to find a simile a bit fresher than "black as ink" for the second line. It's a trifle cliched.

2. "Warmth radiates from her tiny body" fits the metric scheme better than "radiating."

Please don't misunderstand these ideas to represent a general negative criticism of your fine poem, though, sweetie. :)

FINALLY! The pro gives me some criticism! :w00t:


Thanks CP. That's exactly what it needs. :D :D :D :D :D <3

Anything I can do to help develop your talent, darlin'. :nice:

Any updates?

I think "Golden eyes like two full moons" should be changed to
"Golden eyes like two milk-jugs full of urine"
...

maybe not

Dude, awesome trope! :nice:

yeah, I came up with that one a while ago.
I have been waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it, but it just seems to fit her poem so well, I thought I'd give it to her.
Im a giver!

That's so generous of you! :)

I think "Golden eyes like two full moons" should be changed to
"Golden eyes like two milk-jugs full of urine"
...

maybe not

YES! I'll definetly use that! Thanks! :nice: :nice: :nice:


:p

Edited version! AND I NAMED IT!!! ^_^


Bad Luck


A short silky coat,
as black as the pupils
of her golden, moon-like eyes.
Grace comes so naturally,
her moves so smooth and light.
My feline friend,
so dear to me.

That's wonderful, honey. I'm so proud. :)

hurrays! I likes morer. :) ^_^

Personally, OTOH, I prefer "her golden, full moon eyes" to "her golden, moon-like eyes."

That does sound nicer.:thumbsup: And thanks guys! :D :D :D