Just out of curiousity, my boyfriend still emails his ex all of the time and they just make small talk, like about the weather, current endeavors, that sort of thing. But him and I have been together for a year now and for some reason, he still hasn't told her about me... hasn't told her that he has a girlfriend... nothing. He will talk about things we've done and refer to them as things he did with friends, ie, 'I went skiing with some friends last weekend' etc.

Now I am trying SO hard to be ok with this, and respect the fact that, I guess, he feels no need to mention me, but can't he respect the fact that it is hurting me? All I ask is that he mentions me once... I think that's a fair compromise. It's gotten to the point where I actually have bad dreams about it. I guess even though I am trying to let it go, I truthfully haven't. Any suggestions? Or am I being completely unreasonable/irrationable?

Yeah that's weird that he hasn't mentioned you. Tell him I said so.

You two really need to discuss this.

Early on is one thing - after a year, I'd consider that a red flag.

How do you know what your boyfriend says in his emails? Are you reading them?

You two really need to discuss this.

Early on is one thing - after a year, I'd consider that a red flag.

what she said....:werd:

I'm with Jed.

My gf talks with her ex all the time, as do I with mine. But whenever we do we talk about it with each other. Especially since my ex is friends with both of us and her ex is friends with both of us, it's kind of stupid for us to not talk with them.

How do you know what your boyfriend says in his emails? Are you reading them?


No, I inquire what he feels that he needs to talk to her about and then ask him if he's mentioned me. And he'll say no and when I ask why it's as simple as, "I feel no need to" and then gets on my case for not trusting him. And it's not that I don't trust him... if he talked to his guy friends or female friends and didn't mention me, that would bother me too. We work at the same company, drive to work together every day and spend a lot of time together... so I feel like it's hard to believe that he can talk about things going on in his life without mentioning me. What do you suppose is the fair compromise here?

What do you suppose is the fair compromise here?

Tell him goodbye.
Not only is he not making you a part of his life, but he's making sure you know every detail of him excluding you. It's rather sick, actually.
Find someone who doesn't play mind games.

tdd23, you already know why he hasn't mentioned you, you just don't want to admit it.

"Don't you trust me" is pretty much a danger sign all by itself. If I was spending a lot of time with some other woman and my wife seemed concerned, I'd consider that perfectly normal - flattering, even. I wouldn't challenge it, I wouldn't give her grief over it, I'd take her concern seriously and address it straight up. If your BF tries to blame you for a logical and natural reaction, something's wrong.

Sounds to me like he's leaving the door open to the ex, just in case things don't work out with you.

"Don't you trust me" is pretty much a danger sign all by itself. If your BF tries to blame you for a logical and natural reaction, something's wrong.

My thoughts exactly. Whenever I feel uneasy about it, I tell him so that he knows just how much it bothers me. We never really argue about it, luckily, but sometimes I feel our discussions about it get us nowhere. I think he's starting to come around. I explained to him that I don't want his to sit down and tell her all about me, but just mention me with something as simple as, "My girlfriend and I tried out this ski hill last weekend". In either case, he hasn't emailed her back in about a month now and has said that he will mention me if a topic comes up that he can include me in. But still, I dunno, it shouldn't take THIS much work to get respect for my feelings. Bah.

Sounds to me like he's leaving the door open to the ex, just in case things don't work out with you.

Frankly, that was exactly what I was thinking.

Me too.

Regardless of any other factors, your trust in the relationship has degraded to the point that you are posting on an internet message board asking for help and advice. That in itself should be enough of a big red flag to make you think strongly about getting out of the relationship.

... he still hasn't told her about me... hasn't told her that he has a girlfriend... nothing. He will talk about things we've done and refer to them as things he did with friends, ie, 'I went skiing with some friends last weekend' etc.

If he's talking about "with some friends" then he's not telling his ex the whole truth... not technically a lie, but the whoe truth either.

I wouldn't read into it too much if I were you, but I agree with the other comments about him wanting to "leave the door open." This is rather interesting, because it suggests to me that he may feel somewhat vulnerable around you thus requiring a backup plan for piece of mind. The way I see it, he may have become more comfortable around you and may feel like he no longer needs backup. [this is just a theory; I don't mean to suggest that he's consciously doing this but that it's more of an unconscious thing]

You say "it shouldn't take THIS much work to get respect for my feelings."
What work have you done? You didn't even argue about it and you still got your way. Looks to me like you may have gotten off easy:shrug:. It's not the end of the world; perhaps (like me) this guy doesn't like people telling him what to do.

i would be furious with my boyfriend if he did that to me... :hmm:

Sounds to me like he's leaving the door open to the ex, just in case things don't work out with you.

actually, i was thinking something even worse.

Perhaps he wants to get back together with his ex even more than he wants to be with tdd23. That's why he keeps writing to her, and why he hasn't mentioned that he's off the market. He wants her to think he's available so that maybe they can hook up sometime. If think if the could find a way to make it happen, he would leave tdd23 for his ex.

Of course, that's just speculation. Tdd23, you need to think very carefully about how much of your trust he's earned.