Is privacy allowed in a relationship. Are private folders on a computer, private email, a diary, a sock drawer, a box of old lover letters from ex's, pictures, etc etc etc.

My girlfriend snooped through my computer and found some things that I didn't want found. Some incriminating, some just embarrassing. Yes, yes, yes, I know that I should have deleted it if I didn't want her to see it, but I thought she would respect my privacy and not snoop.

Naive to think a woman wouldn't snoop? Is this just what people do?

Is the any room for privacy in a relationship? What can remain personal and private and what can't? At times I wonder if I'm even allowed to keep my thoughts to myself. :eek3:

If you want your privacy in a relationship, lay that down as one of the ground rules BEFORE you get involved.

With my ex, I said that I wanted my livejournal to be solely mine and that I wouldn't add her to my friends list because I wanted to have something separate from the relationship.

She hated it, but she respected it.

So, yes, privacy is allowed. But you can't just expect it to be there, you have to set it up early on or forget about it.

At times I wonder if I'm even allowed to keep my thoughts to myself. :eek3:



Just ask...I'm sure she'll tell you.

If there is anything you want to keep secret, NEVER write it down, or record it on video, audio, or a hard drive.

Some people just can't resist spying, and in my own experience, women have been notorious for it. I've been hacked on numerous occasions, have had my phone records requested and mailed through deception, have had photographs printed from old negatives, and many other things.

If you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your privacy, she probably doesn't trust you, and if I were you, I would definitely not trust her completely. Keep your eyes peeled, and from now on, don't write anything down unless you want it known.

Also, tell her that you know she's been spying, then see what kind of reaction you get. If she lies, she'll lie in the future about other things.

There is a definite right to privacy, especially before marriage. If she doesn't agree, barge into the bathroom and stare the next time she's taking a crap and see how she likes it. Do not keep your pr0n in a folder on your desktop titled pr0n. Try putting it in a remote directory of an obscure program with a technical name and tagged hidden.

i dun think there r any privacy between a couple isnt it... anyway, why were u keeping it??? what is d reason u dun want her to know all this... better tell your gf d truth

Can you say that again, Kev, and use English this time?

Is privacy allowed in a relationship. Are private folders on a computer, private email, a diary, a sock drawer, a box of old lover letters from ex's, pictures, etc etc etc.

My girlfriend snooped through my computer and found some things that I didn't want found. Some incriminating, some just embarrassing. Yes, yes, yes, I know that I should have deleted it if I didn't want her to see it, but I thought she would respect my privacy and not snoop.

Naive to think a woman wouldn't snoop? Is this just what people do?

Is the any room for privacy in a relationship? What can remain personal and private and what can't? At times I wonder if I'm even allowed to keep my thoughts to myself. :eek3:

Being a woman, I would say no. Nothing is private. Men are not to be trusted and it's up to women (smart ones anyways) to find out the truth. If there's nothing to find she probably won't look again. But if there are some incriminating things she'll be watching you with a fine tooth comb.

I...uh...:eek7:

Wow. You've got issues.

Being a woman, I would say no. Nothing is private. Men are not to be trusted and it's up to women (smart ones anyways) to find out the truth. If there's nothing to find she probably won't look again. But if there are some incriminating things she'll be watching you with a fine tooth comb.

There is no relationship without trust. Nosey women need to learn boundaries is all...

Being a woman, I would say no. Nothing is private. Men are not to be trusted and it's up to women (smart ones anyways) to find out the truth. If there's nothing to find she probably won't look again. But if there are some incriminating things she'll be watching you with a fine tooth comb.

I think this is her philosophy too. Past issues and stuff. I think i'm pretty trustworthy (if you don't ask me something that I need to lie about, ie...do you think she's attractive? am I fat?)

i dun think there r any privacy between a couple isnt it... anyway, why were u keeping it??? what is d reason u dun want her to know all this... better tell your gf d truth

There's just some stuff that I wanted to keep private. My journal, my private thoughts, stories that I was writing, letters to other people (some about her), and of course types of porn that she found objectional (we do enjoy watching some together). I had hoped that it was my choice to show her these things.

She knows everything now. Found out all my lies, all my thoughts, all my embarrassing moments. Which is kind of liberating, I have nothing left to hide. But I still think there's some things that I should be able to keep private.

The problem then becomes that you can't trust her to not invade your private thoughts, etc.

Personally, I'd dump that bitch.

Being a woman, I would say no. Nothing is private. Men are not to be trusted and it's up to women (smart ones anyways) to find out the truth. If there's nothing to find she probably won't look again. But if there are some incriminating things she'll be watching you with a fine tooth comb.

Nothing is private?

I guess you won't mind him reading your diary in the bathroom with you while you're taking a dump. :p

I ran into this problem with my ex-boyfriend. Yeah, apparently men do it too. And it really pissed me off. I will totally respect a man's privacy, but I expect the same in return.

Just let her know that you're hurt and dissapointed that she felt it was alright for her to snoop through your personal things. If there's something she's curious about, she should ask you about it, instead of playing private investigator. Also, like Monster said, it's not a bad idea to let your S.O. know beforehand what is personal to you, and off-limits to her. Though, sometimes this can really up the curiosity factor, so pray you're with someone who can respect that.

The real question IMO is why you would want to keep secrets from her? You must not trust her completely if you feel the need for so much "privacy".

The real question IMO is why you would want to keep secrets from her? You must not trust her completely if you feel the need for so much "privacy".

That's such a crock I don't even know where to start.

Keeping a journal, or a sock drawer of mementos, or old letters, or even pr0n for that matter, does not have to be something you share with your S.O.

Keeping a small part of yourself just to yourself is in no way indicative of a lack of trust or a dangerous foundation for a relationship. Not everybody needs to share everything. In fact, it's usually a rather codependent personality that relies on such a complete sharing of self. Many stable relationships of independent personalities rely, in fact, on the willingness to share the common points of their respective lives. In fact, for many people, that full confessional deal drives them away.

The one issue I will take with the OP is that he got caught in a lie. If you have to lie about something, then you have a problem that you should address with your S.O. before it gets worse. Lies have a way of only expounding upon each other and themselves until you're so deep in your own shit that you can't find your way out. And that's when you get caught in your lies.

The real question IMO is why you would want to keep secrets from her? You must not trust her completely if you feel the need for so much "privacy".


I've never had the urge to go through his wallet, nightstand or laptop. If I felt the need to go through his personals...it would mean I have doubts & suspicions. I don't have trust issues with him...if I did, I wouldn't be with him.

I trust my man completely, but I don't want to know his innermost secrets. I don't want him to know me completely either...a little mystery is a good thing.

Are there degrees of trust? In my experience yes. You can trust someone not to go very far in braking relationship law, while knowing that minor offences are to be expected. On the other hand, there could be a complete lack of trust, where your s.o. has a CSI lab in her garage, just waiting for incriminating DNA sample from another female....:)

I think this is a case of simple curiosity that led to a bit of a surprise. It is not a cause for her to open up a crime lab. I find that men have a problem sitting down and explaing things calmly, you'd be surprised at how a woman reacts well to a perfect rationalization. It is when you go on the defense that she will get upset and a red light will go off in her head.

I agree that privacy should be a given... But it's a tough, competitive market out there for women, you must understand the root of this evil before you go blaming women for beeing so insecure. She is trying to get to know you. You can do two things here: 1. refuse to open up completely and give her an ultimatum, or, 2. talk, talk, talk it over.

From my experience: the first is not an option, it's a sure way to make things worse. I'm not saying give her access to all personal stuff, I'm saying, explain to her by looking at what she found, exactly why it's there and why it is not threatening to her. Be relaxed, laugh at her insecurity, but reassure her. Then explain that if she were to observe your emails etc. from now till forever, she would only be wasting her energy. Ask her why she's suspicious, was it something she'd noticed in your behaviour? Reassure her again.

And then ask if she would feel comfortable if you read her email all the time, ask if she honestly thought that this whole thing was necesarry... She'll step down. She'll think about it - a lot. Trust me. And then she'll come back feeling regret for her silly actions. In a way, as partners, we control each others mental well being. You own this problem whether you wanted it or not. You must step up and help your partner in troubled times.

Unless she's not really important to you. In which case...I have no comment.

double post

In my opinion, privacy should still exist in a relationship. And your partner should respect your right to it.

I wouldn't ever keep anything from my SO but I would not appreciate him going through my stuff at all. And if he did it would be reason enough to get out of the relationship.

To me it's a matter of respect.

The only time I would warrant going through a significant others e-mail, phone and so on would be if extremely compelling circumstantial evidence were produced. Everyone has and needs to maintain a personal and private life, it is something that should be respected unless it comes to the point where their personal life is at odds with your own (at which point it must come to an end, personal life always prevails over relationship life I've found).

The only time I would warrant going through a significant others e-mail, phone and so on would be if extremely compelling circumstantial evidence were produced. Everyone has and needs to maintain a personal and private life, it is something that should be respected unless it comes to the point where their personal life is at odds with your own (at which point it must come to an end, personal life always prevails over relationship life I've found).

If you find yourself reading someone else's emails & diaries...its over. It may take awhile for the relationship to end, but in your heart, its dead.

But stalking and snooping shows you really care.

But stalking and snooping shows you really care.

About yourself...

:yeahthat:

I've always found the steadfast interest of stalkers to be quite flattering.

I've always found the steadfast interest of stalkers to be quite flattering.

That would be something personal to you. That wouldn't be across the board.

BTW, a stalkers obsession is also about the stalker, and not you.

Really?

:rolleyes:

Now, now, let's play nice.

Make fun of metalhead, or whatever her name was. :)

Uh...who's not playing nice?
Did I miss something?

I've never had the urge to go through his wallet, nightstand or laptop. If I felt the need to go through his personals...it would mean I have doubts & suspicions. I don't have trust issues with him...if I did, I wouldn't be with him.

I trust my man completely, but I don't want to know his innermost secrets. I don't want him to know me completely either...a little mystery is a good thing.

I agree, going through someone's personal belonging is disrespectful, I'm not saying people should do that. What I meant is, you should be open and comfortable enough with eachother that you're not actively trying to keep secrets. Of course everyone needs private thoughts, and personal space. There have been several occasions where I've had to have Bill go into my email to find info for me when I've been away from the computer, or vice versa, and while we don't hang around in there reading all the other emails I don't feel I have anything to hide if he accidentally opened one, or something.

Is privacy allowed in a relationship. Are private folders on a computer, private email, a diary, a sock drawer, a box of old lover letters from ex's, pictures, etc etc etc.

My girlfriend snooped through my computer and found some things that I didn't want found. Some incriminating, some just embarrassing. Yes, yes, yes, I know that I should have deleted it if I didn't want her to see it, but I thought she would respect my privacy and not snoop.

Naive to think a woman wouldn't snoop? Is this just what people do?

Is the any room for privacy in a relationship? What can remain personal and private and what can't? At times I wonder if I'm even allowed to keep my thoughts to myself. :eek3:yup, everyone have a right to keep his thoughts to himself. Tell your GF, you are not her whole. once a girl believe she should have her own life, she will not be snooping. is it true that all girls in the relationships put up the same behaviors in all countries? :confused: :ughug:
but you shouldn't hide something which may bring worriment to your GF.

I have nothing to hide from my girlfriend, but I expect her to respect my privacy. And if she can't do that, then she's not gonna be my girlfriend for long. As soon as I find out she's been reading me email or going though my things, it's over. Seriously.

I have nothing to hide from my girlfriend, but I expect her to respect my privacy. And if she can't do that, then she's not gonna be my girlfriend for long. As soon as I find out she's been reading me email or going though my things, it's over. Seriously.


^ Motorcycle.

Everyone should have a personal zone that is inviolate.

When I moved in with my now husband, I was clearing out the shed to make room for some of my junk and came across a box full of letters, photo's, cards etc... and could not help look through them (not all of them). I must admit to feeling a little upset but then again it was part of his past and I have stuff like that from mine also. The fact is I happened upon them accidentally but I admit I could not help myself and had to have a little look:blush:

Does he know that you saw the letters and photos?

Does he know that you saw the letters and photos?

He does now and he was not a happy bunny! but he married me all the same!;)

Having seen it by accident is an entirely different matter, though.

It just didn't occur to him that when you moved in, obviously, that you might need a bit of space in that storage shed too! ;)

Obviously not!

However, I really am a nosey cow and that is why I had to peek! Ok I read the whole damn lot, but I am not about to admit it to him now am I?

Gonna save it for a really good argument and throw it at him (if he deserves it that is):devil:

You don't need people like me to make sure you don't clean up after yourself:D

Having seen it by accident is an entirely different matter, though.

It just didn't occur to him that when you moved in, obviously, that you might need a bit of space in that storage shed too! ;)

Obviously not!

However, I really am a nosey cow and that is why I had to peek! Ok I read the whole damn lot, but I am not about to admit it to him now am I?

Gonna save it for a really good argument and throw it at him (if he deserves it that is)

You don't need people like me to make sure you don't clean up after yourself

However, I really am a nosey cow and that is why I had to peek!
Worst. Excuse. Ever.
Ok I read the whole damn lot, but I am not about to admit it to him now am I?
No, you're just going to post it on a public message board for anybody and everybody to read...:eek7:
Gonna save it for a really good argument and throw it at him (if he deserves it that is)
You're going to throw the fact that you deceitfully read personal, private items from his past that had nothing to do with you and that you shouldn't have seen in the first place at him in an argument?

How in the hell will that EVER be relevant to any argument?

Worst. Excuse. Ever.

No, you're just going to post it on a public message board for anybody and everybody to read...:eek7:

You're going to throw the fact that you deceitfully read personal, private items from his past that had nothing to do with you and that you shouldn't have seen in the first place at him in an argument?

How in the hell will that EVER be relevant to any argument?

But, what you are missing here is the fact that my husband is sooo...trusting that he would probably never visit this site and if he does, then my name is ficticous and further more this is an American site and further more..more I am posting messages on my own pc and what is more assuring is that I have a unique code of entry to enter my pc.

However, I did give a real picture of myself in this forum and I would state that I am just a little bit blonde!!!!

Anyway, what do you care?

I love my husband and further more I like the independance this forum gives me and more importantly my question to you is if you have something to hide, then don't go public!

Public is public on your own turf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love ya, Kathleen.

:nonono:

I have to have privacy in my relationships. My ex hated it and my response was always "I'm not going to cater to your insecurities by letting you invade my privacy. If you don't trust me, then don't be with me."

Funny how it turned out that he cheated, lied, and kept things from me.