Spazola
02-11-2006, 04:49 PM
God, I'm in such a bad freaking mood today! :mad: :(
Last night was pretty weird. It was about 2AM, and I was going into random giggle-fits for no reason at all (my mom found me very amusing). I was fine with that--I was actually enjoying being happy for no reason. Then I sat down on the couch, and after I minute or two I started having to struggle not to cry. I didn't calm down until I finally went to bed.
It reminded me of a bad after-school show to teach teenagers about hormones and shit. :p
Today was no better. I've been sort of lonely since Jess has been grounded, especially since without her, I haven't been in contact with anyone my own age in weeks (besides online friends, anyway). So since I was missing her and was bored, I started looking for a few of her old posts on here. It started to cheer me up some, until I started reading MY old posts that came up, too. Then I just started feeling worse.
When I first joined here, I was a bitchy little brat. I've gotten better, but it still made me feel really crappy to read my own words, words that made me sound like the stupidest teenager on the face of the earth. And it scares me, too. What if that's the way I truly am? What if the only reason I'm acting less immature than before is because I'm faking it? I don't even know. But the thought that I may honestly just be a little bitch and there's nothing I can do about it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
It embarasses me, that that girl I hardly remember is the one that made a first impression on everyone I admire here, and the thought; that's what half of them remember. The ones I seldom speak directly to because I'm afraid of making an ass out of myself, the ones I wish I could be like....even the people that I consider close friends and talk to all the time. What if everytime I contact them, the bitch side of me is all they can remember?
As of recently, I realized that I've put everyone I know here into a catagory, a clique, arranged like a sterotyped high-school. There's the "cool" or "popular" people; I avoid speaking to them, and fear what their opinions of me may be. When they diss me even in the slightest way, it feels like someone stabbed me in the stomach. When they even hint at a compliment, I feel like I can fly.
Then the sweet ones, my friends and aquantinces (sp?). I don't feel embarrassed to speak to them and let my gaurd down the slightest bit more with them, but I still read my comments a few times before posting them. I still worry about what they think of me, but I'm just a little more relaxed.
Then the bullies, "jocks", whatevah. I just don't talk to them. If they address me, I shrug it off. Their comments don't really bother me, and when they do I try my best to pretend otherwise.
And now I'm posting my soul on the internet. Nice move, Spaz. :|
Last night was pretty weird. It was about 2AM, and I was going into random giggle-fits for no reason at all (my mom found me very amusing). I was fine with that--I was actually enjoying being happy for no reason. Then I sat down on the couch, and after I minute or two I started having to struggle not to cry. I didn't calm down until I finally went to bed.
It reminded me of a bad after-school show to teach teenagers about hormones and shit. :p
Today was no better. I've been sort of lonely since Jess has been grounded, especially since without her, I haven't been in contact with anyone my own age in weeks (besides online friends, anyway). So since I was missing her and was bored, I started looking for a few of her old posts on here. It started to cheer me up some, until I started reading MY old posts that came up, too. Then I just started feeling worse.
When I first joined here, I was a bitchy little brat. I've gotten better, but it still made me feel really crappy to read my own words, words that made me sound like the stupidest teenager on the face of the earth. And it scares me, too. What if that's the way I truly am? What if the only reason I'm acting less immature than before is because I'm faking it? I don't even know. But the thought that I may honestly just be a little bitch and there's nothing I can do about it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
It embarasses me, that that girl I hardly remember is the one that made a first impression on everyone I admire here, and the thought; that's what half of them remember. The ones I seldom speak directly to because I'm afraid of making an ass out of myself, the ones I wish I could be like....even the people that I consider close friends and talk to all the time. What if everytime I contact them, the bitch side of me is all they can remember?
As of recently, I realized that I've put everyone I know here into a catagory, a clique, arranged like a sterotyped high-school. There's the "cool" or "popular" people; I avoid speaking to them, and fear what their opinions of me may be. When they diss me even in the slightest way, it feels like someone stabbed me in the stomach. When they even hint at a compliment, I feel like I can fly.
Then the sweet ones, my friends and aquantinces (sp?). I don't feel embarrassed to speak to them and let my gaurd down the slightest bit more with them, but I still read my comments a few times before posting them. I still worry about what they think of me, but I'm just a little more relaxed.
Then the bullies, "jocks", whatevah. I just don't talk to them. If they address me, I shrug it off. Their comments don't really bother me, and when they do I try my best to pretend otherwise.
And now I'm posting my soul on the internet. Nice move, Spaz. :|