You said that you did love me, once. You said that it wasn't imagined, it wasn't pretend, it was there. So what do we have now? You simply don't love me anymore? Or is there more to it? I know that the love you said once existed cannot be there now--you wouldn't keep hurting me like this. Everytime I stand up, and just start to get my balance, you knock me down. Again and again and again. Would you like to know what the worst part is? I keep going back to you. I let you hurt me, this mental torture that's grabbing a hold on my entire life. Because of what you're doing, I've lost sleep, tears, and blood. All for you. And I'm going to keep letting you do it. Yes, this is incredible pain, and I'm not sure how I've been living through it. Yes, I am completely aware that everytime I go back to you, I'm risking having to suffer this all over again. But I have no clue what would hurt worse--letting you go, and having you never be in my life again, or this.

It's almost like I want to feel this--I need to. No, not the pain--but the small pieces of complete bliss I am awarded before undergoing new torture. The love and warmth felt with the knowledge that someone you care so much about loves you in return. The comfort that helps you sleep at night, knowing that he'll still be there when you wake up, still loving you. You give me that feeling; normally, I would thank you for this little piece of heaven. But I never get the chance to choke out my graditude, because in a flash you're snatching it away from me once again. It feels almost as if you're leaving me in the center of a blizzard, but before you go you rob me of my coat, the only thing I have to keep me alive.

When I close my eyes, and try to think of how to escape this pattern of love and torture, my mind goes blank--there seems to be nothing I can do. No way to keep you without being stabbed in the back on a regular basis. I guess for now I'm stuck with this pain; I'm just not ready to let you go. I hate it, not just because it's hurting me. It's hurting Her, too. Yes, you remember Her, don't you? The one you tore apart, and abandoned without a drop of regret? The one who did nothing but love you, worry about you, and care about you? The one you did everything in your power to hurt? She's the one who's been picking up the pieces of my broken heart and hauling out the glue, everytime you break it. She's warned me time after time that by going back to you, I was letting you win. And I keep not listening to her. So now the combination of your selfishness and my weakness in not only hurting me. It's also hurting the only person who's ever cared about me, without a price.

So now where do we stand?