I honestly don't care about anyone. I really have no empathy towards anyone else. I have no compassion for anyone. I fake it. That's a hell of a thing to realize. It's probably related, at least in part, to my depression.
After all, how can you love when you don't love yourself?
Speaking of depression, I might as well let out all of my thoughts on all these matters.
I've been in treatment for about four or five years now for depression and anxiety. It's biological or hereditary or whatever word you want to use in my family. My mom has it, my brother has it, I have it, and I think various extended family members have it as well. A long time, and I'm finally realizing what makes me happy. I went down to Florida, and walking on the beach alone at night while listening to music made me happy. I probably would have been happier if I had someone there I could talk to. A friend with whom I could share the moment, even if it were in silence. That moon rising over the Atlantic stirred something in me that I haven't felt in ages. The calming effect of the sea, the stars in the night sky, the music, just the entire moment made me feel better. I was happy. I could tell because I became productive. I did things. But sadly, it wasn't as good as it could have been.
I hate my brother. Quite honestly, I don't just dislike him, I hate him. He's an *******. He doesn't realize it. He doesn't listen, so he probably won't ever realize it. Anyway, he was down there with me, so he soured quite a bit of the experience.
Back home, I'm the youngest of three kids. I have an older sister as well. For whatever reason, I'm viewed as the inferior child. My parents don't give me a chance to even try to demonstrate any level of responsibility, unlike with my siblings. They've even told me that they don't believe I am. In fact, they told me again today. It gets to be quite depressing to come home and have your siblings be greeted warmly while you are interrogated as if you had to have committed a crime, even if there is no reason for the interrogation. Very depressing. So yeah, I'm not happy at home. It sucks that I'm not, because there are people on here that definitely have it worse off than me, but whatever.
So I head off back to school on Sunday (a week from tomorrow), and that'll be nice. I'll be able to go on those late night walks again, which barely give me a hint of that feeling that those walks on the beach did. And if I'm lucky, maybe a friend will let me borrow his car from time to time to go drive around. Probably the only thing I can do in this state that brings me any joy, except maybe for camping. Something about being free and driving through unknown areas that is just so stimulating for me. I don't know what it is, but I like it.
I don't know who I am, but I'm trying to figure that out. I go on long walks listening to music to try to figure that out. Same thing with my long drives. I just drive around or walk to nowhere. I know who I would like to be. But I don't know who I am in relation to that. Maybe I'll surprise myself and discover that who I really am is better than who I want to be. That'd be a nice surprise.
I've never had many friends. Didn't really have my first real friend till I started high school. He left going into to my sophomore year for Louisiana. That's fine. That next summer, I went to workcamp, and that helped me a lot. I made some friends, but I didn't give anyone my contact information, so when we left, that was it. No more contact. Then I went back again the next year. And the next. And now that I'm in college, I've decided that I'm not going to start talking to people. I'm going to be the one who receives. It's depressing when you realize that people don't ever initiate conversations with you. It's always the other way around. Well, if that's how it's gonna go, then so be it. I'm just not going to initiate them anymore. No point, really.
Well, that's all I'm writing for now. When I think of more, I'll add.

.
After all, how can you love when you don't love yourself?
Well, I sure as hell loved you. And you know how I feel about Spaz.

Well, I sure as hell loved you. And you know how I feel about Spaz.

Who's Spaz?

Who's Spaz?
That bitch over in the corner. :p

That line is a question about myself. How can I love others when I don't love myself?

That line is a question about myself. How can I love others when I don't love myself?
Well, I don't know, but you sure as hell fooled me. But, of course, I've believed that many people loved me and they didn't. Your just one of the crowd, aren't ya?






You better learn to love yourself, Chris. Because if you keep hurting the people around you like this, no one else will.

Well, if you must know the truth, Spaz, you're a better person than I. Always will be, too.
You outgrew me a long, long time ago.

How can I love others when I don't love myself?

I'm not sure where people get this.You may have a completely heathy realtionship without self esteem but not being able to love? BS-
Spaz,he loves you,he's just in the grips of something very painful and might not be feeling certain things...

Now that I'm older it's usually not too hard to break out of these funks but at his age,man,it was a drag-Chris I'm not trying to invalidate you-but you're a loving guy,you've always been very kind to me and a couple times when I needed it...

I haven't had self-esteem for a long time.
No, I really don't care about myself.

I've been thinking again, and I realize that one of big reasons that I don't have any motivation is the numbers of times I've just been told that I can't do stuff.
I have been told that I can't do this or that without even being given a chance to try it. And they weren't things that were totally out of my reach. No, they were well within, but I was never given the opportunity to prove one way or the other. There are a million examples running through my mind right now, but I'm not going to list any. Eventually, after being told you can't do so many things for so long, you just lose the motivation to prove that you can, especially when you have proven them wrong so many times before, but they don't change their position. There's no incentive to bother. Eventually you just start believing that you are inferior, that not only will you not measure up, but that you can't. And that's a depressing thought, especially when it seems like all that's really being done is that you're being compared to someone else and found lacking. You just stop caring. After all, why bother when you're destined to fail in the minds of those whose opinions really matters to you? So I think that's why I don't really put forth much effort. I don't have the satisfaction of recognition. And doing it for myself doesn't seem like a good enough reason when those I suppose I respect or whatever it is don't think that I have done anything. Or that it's always not going to be good enough.

you're a young person-when have you had time to be a world shaker? What do they or you want? Not everybody is a Mozart or a child prodigy...you're plenty bright and plenty capable-why give people like that respect when they're giving you that kind of feedback? I'm not saying do it for yourself-look for a motivation that's meaningful to you.Don't give in to the monster...

I haven't had self-esteem for a long time.
No, I really don't care about myself.

I've been thinking again, and I realize that one of big reasons that I don't have any motivation is the numbers of times I've just been told that I can't do stuff.
I have been told that I can't do this or that without even being given a chance to try it. And they weren't things that were totally out of my reach. No, they were well within, but I was never given the opportunity to prove one way or the other. There are a million examples running through my mind right now, but I'm not going to list any. Eventually, after being told you can't do so many things for so long, you just lose the motivation to prove that you can, especially when you have proven them wrong so many times before, but they don't change their position. There's no incentive to bother. Eventually you just start believing that you are inferior, that not only will you not measure up, but that you can't. And that's a depressing thought, especially when it seems like all that's really being done is that you're being compared to someone else and found lacking. You just stop caring. After all, why bother when you're destined to fail in the minds of those whose opinions really matters to you? So I think that's why I don't really put forth much effort. I don't have the satisfaction of recognition. And doing it for myself doesn't seem like a good enough reason when those I suppose I respect or whatever it is don't think that I have done anything. Or that it's always not going to be good enough.

Dude, you will NEVER please everyone, so you might as well stop worrying about it. You're letting others rule your emotions, and control you.

I've heard people say things like "Everyone's against me". Then I ask, "Who is everyone"? The answer is usually less than ten people (usually more like 4 or 5 tops) when they really think about it. On a planet of 6 billion people, why should you worry about the opinions of 5 or 10 people? Start with pleasing yourself, and worry about others later.

Oh, and how do you really know that the people who put you down are right?? Are you automatically assuming that they know more about you then you do?? Just because they think that they know everything about you doesn't mean that they do. People who spend their time judging others and putting them down are usually trying to build thenselves up in their own minds. They could be just as insecure as you, if not more. Don't assume these people know what they're talking about.

Also, if you're taking tranquilizers and antidepressants, they can numb your emotions. You may not feel really bad, but you may not feel very good either. You might want to look into that, talk to your doctor, and possibly try something different. Either way, you need to break that habit of beating yourself up. It's countrproductive to life.

BS-
Spaz,he loves you,he's just in the grips of something very painful and might not be feeling certain things...

There's been lots of stuff going on besides this thread. Don't worry about it. ;)



Chris--
I could SO help you hear, if you gave a **** what I thought. I've been to this place before, and am still somewhat there. People telling you that you can't do stuff should boost your urge to do it. Do whatever it is way better than anyone ever thought you could, then smile and say "stfu bitch I did it".

you're a young person-when have you had time to be a world shaker? What do they or you want? Not everybody is a Mozart or a child prodigy...you're plenty bright and plenty capable-why give people like that respect when they're giving you that kind of feedback? I'm not saying do it for yourself-look for a motivation that's meaningful to you.Don't give in to the monster...

It's the who that makes all the difference here. When you're growing up, who are the two people whom you respect the most? That's right, your parents. And guess who told me those things?

Dude, you will NEVER please everyone, so you might as well stop worrying about it. You're letting others rule your emotions, and control you.

I don't want to please everyone.

I've heard people say things like "Everyone's against me". Then I ask, "Who is everyone"? The answer is usually less than ten people (usually more like 4 or 5 tops) when they really think about it. On a planet of 6 billion people, why should you worry about the opinions of 5 or 10 people? Start with pleasing yourself, and worry about others later.

Not everyone is against me. My list is about three people. But those three people are my family.

Oh, and how do you really know that the people who put you down are right?? Are you automatically assuming that they know more about you then you do?? Just because they think that they know everything about you doesn't mean that they do. People who spend their time judging others and putting them down are usually trying to build thenselves up in their own minds. They could be just as insecure as you, if not more. Don't assume these people know what they're talking about.

The point is that they're not right. I know they're wrong, but eventually, especially when you're that young, you just give up trying to prove them wrong when their position will never change.

Also, if you're taking tranquilizers and antidepressants, they can numb your emotions. You may not feel really bad, but you may not feel very good either. You might want to look into that, talk to your doctor, and possibly try something different. Either way, you need to break that habit of beating yourself up. It's countrproductive to life.

I'm not on any psychotropic drugs at present. Well, I'm not on anything for depression or anxiety, anyway.

There's been lots of stuff going on besides this thread. Don't worry about it. ;)



Chris--
I could SO help you hear, if you gave a **** what I thought. I've been to this place before, and am still somewhat there. People telling you that you can't do stuff should boost your urge to do it. Do whatever it is way better than anyone ever thought you could, then smile and say "stfu bitch I did it".

I have to figure out how to cure the disease that was caused by it. No motivation to do anything. How do you change that when it's become a part of your being?

Sometimes people love you and don't say it. Sometimes they don't even know if they love you but really do. I think the same goes for ones self.

You sound like you're in a deep funk. It'll pass in time.

When I feel like this I go trout fishing, if the weather is good.

It's the who that makes all the difference here. When you're growing up, who are the two people whom you respect the most? That's right, your parents. And guess who told me those things?


I never invested much faith in my parents-I work with people every day who have been failed by their parents.It's not easy,you have my sympathy-

I have to figure out how to cure the disease that was caused by it. No motivation to do anything. How do you change that when it's become a part of your being?

You're doing better than I did at your age-at least you're in school pursuing something,just ride for a while-you're giving your feelings too much importance...

I have to figure out how to cure the disease that was caused by it. No motivation to do anything. How do you change that when it's become a part of your being?
Motivation can shove it up his ass. In life, you gotta do a bunch of **** that you don't want to, and so you end up doing most of it with no motivation. It's physically possible.


Just do it anyway. If you succeed, you will have motivation to keep doing well at whatever you're doing.

It's the who that makes all the difference here. When you're growing up, who are the two people whom you respect the most? That's right, your parents. And guess who told me those things?
Parents rarely do anything that gives you a feeling of self worth. You just can't expect it of them. I've never been told that I can't do something, but I've been told that what I'm doing is causing suffering. Basiclly, you grin and say "Sorry, Momma." and deal with it.
Then, like I've been saying, you go and and prove 'em wrong. Proving your own worth to someone brings the greatest satifaction.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/jcorioso/wavey.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v198/jcorioso/wavey.jpg
jojo many time when i felt low i will go for a long walk along the beach and sit taking in the peace of the waves and the sound and smell of the sea.
We all have our ways of dealing with our stuff and you seem to have found the right way :nice:

jojo many time when i felt low i will go for a long walk along the beach and sit taking in the peace of the waves and the sound and smell of the sea.
We all have our ways of dealing with our stuff and you seem to have found the right way :nice:

I did that every night last week when I was down in Florida. When I'm at school, I do it too, just not on the beach since there is no beach nearby.

You wanna know how to change dude? Well, first of all you gotta get rid of this attitude.

I've decided that I'm not going to start talking to people. I'm going to be the one who receives. It's depressing when you realize that people don't ever initiate conversations with you. It's always the other way around. Well, if that's how it's gonna go, then so be it. I'm just not going to initiate them anymore. No point, really.


The only reason people don’t initiate conversations with you is cuz youre so god damn depressing to talk to. No one wants to be around whiny people. Believe me I know. I spent a good year of my life locked in my room. The only person who initiated conversation with me was my mom and that was to make sure I wasn’t dead. I sat in there for months and months with no one to talk to. At firs I just really needed to be alone. Then I got used to it. Then I fogot why I became so depressed in the first place and felt that lethargic feeling you described. After a while I became biter and hatful towards my friends and family because no one would call me to see how I was doing.

When I went to class I just gave up even trying to talk to girls cuz I had this piss ass attitude like – Well, if they aren’t going to show any interest in me, then Im not going to give them the time of day either. Does that make any sense though? - I am going to completely avoid everyone and get mad when they avoid me?

Bottom line is, you are doing very little if anything at all to change. In fact, you are actually going backwards. You are sinking way deeper into this hole by digging it yourself. Put some effort into changing. Im talkin real effort. Wake up one day and ****ing force yourself into a good mood. Play some kick ass music as loud as you can get it, run around your room like a mad man and then get out and talk to someone. You will have plenty of time to sink back into your black hole tomorrow. But for one day, just one day, try to smile a few times. Burry your bull**** and just smile. You should be able to get at least some kind of charge or spark out of that to start something. And if you don’t, then try again another day! :cool:





Don’t act like the world owes you anything if you are it giving nothing in return.

when I was 18 all I did was , smoke weed and feel just as you do.
it doesnt really get better eighter, exept that you get used to it and learn to egnore it and create a better feeling, which only sometimes works.

its really not that strange, FL. create something, to turn what oyou feel into something beautifull, and then feel good about that, make your feelings usefull to you.

EDIT: Don’t act like the world owes you anything if you are giving it nothing in return.

Damn it! I wanted to go out all wise and shiit and just ****ed it up. :rolleyes:

EDIT: Don’t act like the world owes you anything if you are giving it nothing in return.

Damn it! I wanted to go out all wise and shiit and just ****ed it up. :rolleyes:

Don't worry, you sounded wise anyway--like Yoda. ;)


:D :D :D

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v491/beausoleil/shark-now-what.jpg

Please do not post in my journal if you have nothing constructive to offer.

I honestly don't care about anyone. I really have no empathy towards anyone else. I have no compassion for anyone. I fake it.

Yeah I kinda realized that when u dropped all ur friends last summer like they ment nothing to you at all. I forgave you and now I get dropped again and treated like crap while you hang out with ppl u just met and have sex with?

Ok. I know ur priorities now. Sex and random ppl are more important than friends. At least make it clear ur going to use me to hold ur stuff while u disapear instead of telling me ur coming to see the sights and hang out with me. I prepared activities and stressed over school stuff more than needed for you to come.

I may be acting like a bitchy drama queen right now but I'm pissed. My friends I've talked to said I have a right to be pissed. My San Fran friends who briefly saw you now think ur a jerk. I didn't want them to have an impression like that b/c I wanted to show off how cool you are. Nevermind.

I'm sick of it and maybe ur family is right in u being irresponsible. You do make a lot of wrong choices and wrong actions. Everything, wrong. At least you choose your destiny.

Yeah call me names behind my back and say how much I suck. I don't care what people say about me anymore. I've learned that I'm better than all of that and I won't take crap and keep my mouth shut anymore.

You're not worth it anymore if you treat people like this.

*end of rant*
*leaving this forum that you just showed me... forever*
:nonono:

Oh, my. :eek3: :eek7:

Uh oh, what happened FL?

:hmm: lets see what FL has to say when he gets back.........

That line is a question about myself. How can I love others when I don't love myself?

Because brother, quite often it takes seeing yourself through someone elses eyes to realize just who and what you are. Of all the ways I've viewed myself in life, nothing has ever come close to what I see in the eyes and actions of my Children. If I can be half the man they believe me to be, I'll die happy. Maybe thats why I fall into such a state of dis-repair when I'm not around them.

Seriously, your own self definition of yourself is very dependent upon influences and useless. Whether for the good, or the bad, we are only what we allow ourselves to become. You can only be depressed if you allow yourself to be depressed. How those around you view you can be a strong influence as well. Even the most secure people in the world can be brought down in the wrong environment. The proof is in the pudding, you said it yourself, when your away from the influence of others, the beach, your content. Brother, it's time you found a better quality of people to hang out with.

It's the who that makes all the difference here. When you're growing up, who are the two people whom you respect the most? That's right, your parents. And guess who told me those things?


Allow me to let you in on a little secret. Parent's aren't the all perfect, all knowing, knower's of all things that as kids we picture them to be. If your parents had you fairly young, then I imagine there close to my age and brother do I **** up sometimes. Especially with my kids. My career might be working here, or being a Cop, but my JOB is raising those kids and it's the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Sometimes, it's easier to just admit you may have failed and give up trying, sounds like that's what they may have done, but as parent we are fallable and that is THERE shortcoming man, not yours. Now's the time to first, help them by showing them they didn't fail. Show them that there efforts weren't in vain. It will take time, short term displays of success are like one time wonders on the radios...you enjoy it for the moment, but forget it in time. I can't judge your parents, especially knowing my own shortcomings, but I can identify with them and with you. I guarantee you one thing, there still struggling themselves to figure out who they are. Most of us die not being able to answer that question. And, belive it or not, there is nothing they want more than for you to succeed. Maybe there just afraid of expecting to much....You've got to rise into adulthood and show them different. Not just for them, or for yourself, but for every person that your life is going to touch over the next few decades. Like I said before, we are only what we allow ourselved to become. Are you a failure? It's because you allowed it to happen. Are you a success? Again, it's because you allowed it to happen.

EDIT: Don’t act like the world owes you anything if you are giving it nothing in return.

Damn it! I wanted to go out all wise and shiit and just ****ed it up. :rolleyes:


No, Man....You did a fine job. I was smiling when I finished reading your post. Self discovery is a great thing to see happen to anyone....

Yeah I kinda realized that when u dropped all ur friends last summer like they ment nothing to you at all. I forgave you and now I get dropped again and treated like crap while you hang out with ppl u just met and have sex with?

Ok. I know ur priorities now. Sex and random ppl are more important than friends. At least make it clear ur going to use me to hold ur stuff while u disapear instead of telling me ur coming to see the sights and hang out with me. I prepared activities and stressed over school stuff more than needed for you to come.

I may be acting like a bitchy drama queen right now but I'm pissed. My friends I've talked to said I have a right to be pissed. My San Fran friends who briefly saw you now think ur a jerk. I didn't want them to have an impression like that b/c I wanted to show off how cool you are. Nevermind.

I'm sick of it and maybe ur family is right in u being irresponsible. You do make a lot of wrong choices and wrong actions. Everything, wrong. At least you choose your destiny.

Yeah call me names behind my back and say how much I suck. I don't care what people say about me anymore. I've learned that I'm better than all of that and I won't take crap and keep my mouth shut anymore.

You're not worth it anymore if you treat people like this.

*end of rant*
*leaving this forum that you just showed me... forever*
:nonono:

Damn, I should really learn to read all of a thread before I post it.....Sound's like we might now see the source of FL's discontent.....

FL.....Read, Absord, treat this as constructive criticism. You know how you feel about this person. When you alone on that beach, you KNOW what she means to you....You best not leave this wound open and bleeding...

It doesn't really matter what she has to say.
She made me miss my flight that I rescheduled because she stole my suitcase (and yes, I was going to call the cops). Your bitchiness cost me the money I need to pay the bills for this month. Thanks. And what's this about me ditching you? I call you over and over again, trying to get you to come out, and you say you're sick. I try the next night, you don't return my calls. I try all day the next day and night. No answer. I ditched you? You ditched me. I did what I did because you disappeared. I don't care for high school drama queens, and I still managed to have a blast.
I'll post about the rest of the trip in a separate entry.

Hi fl!
greetings from istanbul hun, luckily we have internet in our hotel, am glad you had a blast and about the rest its best to drop it, i knew you would have good reasons for doing whatever, bbl and glad to see you alive :D

Thanks, Anrora. Have fun in Istanbul.