I don't know if I have ever mentoned it, but I do not know who my biological father is. i don't know his name, have never seen a picture of him, nor asked my mother a single question about him. I went through life constantly telling myself he didn't matter, and that i could care less, but more and more I see how badly i was lying to myself. I am dying to know, and am looking for advise from anyone with thoughts on the subject. Part of it is kinda important, because I need a better picture of his side of my medical history. My doctor is urging me to discover as much as possible because of all my recent health issues, and the constant downward spiral my health has become over the last few years.

Has anyone here ever had similar problems or situations? If so, any advise on how best to work up both the strenth and the courage to bring this subject to my mother, who I am certain it is going to upset? If I do find out his name and so on, should i contact him before i move out of the country, try to talk to him or whatever? I mean its been 25 years now and i have never known a single detail aout him, how hard is it going to be to do this? It seems like a nearly impossible task for me currently, and I am in a search for advise that might shed some light on the issue for me. Any comments would be greatly appreciated, especially if you have been through similar circumstances.

Thank ya all ahead of time, and I hope this post doesnt fall on deaf ears, or isnt in the wrong forum.

Tommy

Tommy,

I think you should try to find him, if you want to know that badly. Also your health issues make it important. If I were you I would do it.

Fathers aren't all they're cracked up to be. I've done fine without one. But, I know who he is and could most likely contact him if needed, I just don't want to anymore. Obviosly it is important for your medical history though, so even if you don't establish a relationship you should find out as much as you can for your own peace of mind.

I know who my father is, but he has never been a part of my life. He was violent and abusive to my mom in the first few months after I was born and she left him because she didn't want to expose the babies (me and my cousin) to that. She always kept him updated on our whereabouts and never tried to keep him away from me, but he soon found a new wife and had another kid and lost interest. He moved frequently from state to state to avoid child support. My mom said she got a few months of payments when they were able to find him and garnish his wages, but then he would disappear again. When I got a little older I tried to establish contact, I saw him at a cousin's wedding but it was so awkward, he was a stranger. I was 14 then. Then when I was 18 I called him and said I was intrerested in getting to know him, he was like yeah, whatever, I left the next step to him and didn't hear from him. 7 years later when I got married, I sent a letter announcing the plans and the fact that we would have a very small, informal wedding and that I would send pictures if he wanted. He was outraged, saying that he paid tens of thousands in child support (a lie) and therefore he deserved to walk me down the aisle (:confused:), said some really insulting things to me and about my mom. I replied and have not heard from him since - that was 2 years ago. And I really don't care. He's dead to me.

I would say do it out of curiosity's sake, but don't expect too much. If anything, you will be able to put your questions behind you & move on.

BTW it's nice to see you. I hope you are doing well.

I guess for the sake of finding out your medical history, etc... it'd be worth it.

I & others I know have been in the same position, and I've heard stories elsewhere also. The biggest caution I'd advise is to keep in mind that your father is NOT you.

Your parents split for a reason, and there's a BIG character issue regarding him not wanting to come around & be a part of his kid(s?) life. So if he turns out to be a disappointment, remember that you are defined by who YOU are & what YOU do, and that's all.

Beyond any medical concerns you want to check into however, your mom is the one who raised you, doing the jobs of both parents. SHE's your real family.

Tommy,

I think you should try to find him, if you want to know that badly. Also your health issues make it important. If I were you I would do it.

I'm with beatle on this one..

People need fathers, and not all fathers are ideal.

The fact that you're thinking about it itself shows that you'd like to know, so I think you already klnow the answer, and you don't need to take a poll.

I would say, don't be overly optimistic, but go for it. You may be in for a disappointment, or you may get to know your father.

The absolutle worst case scenario is that he would want nothing to do with you. If you can handle that possibility, you'll be all right. On the other hand, the opposite could happen. There's only one way to find out.

I would want to know for the medical history if it was me. But as far as having a relationship, if they have known about you all these years they could have found you.

Fathers are overrated. I haven't seen mine since 1985 (friggin deadbeat). Not even medical reasons would prompt me to try to find him. I'd let the doctors figure it out. That's what they're paid for.

That's just me though, given the ****ty father that I was born with.

Thanks folks. I asked my mom some things, and all she would really tell me is his name, his sisters name, and thats about it. I have no idea how to track him down. It will probably be impossible for me to talk to him. This sucks. I was looking forward to having answers.

Just a quick update, I did some looking for this sie of my family online.(thank god fo internet background checks) and have a general idea as to where the family is, but still lost on how to contact them. Any ideas from folks who have don searches like this before?

I don't know if I have ever mentoned it, but I do not know who my biological father is. i don't know his name, have never seen a picture of him, nor asked my mother a single question about him. I went through life constantly telling myself he didn't matter, and that i could care less,


I have never met my "father." All I know is a name and I've seen all of one pic of him a long time ago. Don't have a clue where he is now.

Part of it is kinda important, because I need a better picture of his side of my medical history. My doctor is urging me to discover as much as possible because of all my recent health issues, and the constant downward spiral my health has become over the last few years.

I am not an advocate of people looking for a birth parent or parents that have abandoned them.

But knowing a medical history is of course of great value. A responsible parent (and obviously responsibility is not a trait of the abandoner) would provide access, even if by a third party to protect anonymity.

Has anyone here ever had similar problems or situations?

Thankfully for me, I haven't had any serious medical problems.

If so, any advise on how best to work up both the strenth and the courage to bring this subject to my mother, who I am certain it is going to upset?

Hopefully, for medical reasons alone, that would suffice.

Any ideas from folks who have don searches like this before?

Haven't bothered, but I'll bump the thread anyway.

Well, it's a little different for me. I'm adopted, so in a very real sense, I do know my parents. But I had a bit of an awakening not too long ago when my Mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Her oncologist wanted to screen me, as the disease is hereditary, (or at least the gene is), and it got me to wondering about family medical history.

I don't necessarily have any real desire to find my birth parents, ( I mean, I know who my parents are; Norma and Julius, no matter what the DNA encoding says), but it would be helpful, I think to have some medical information.

did your mom say his name was John? (if so... I know of a father named john with a kid in texas.. .whom he's never seen)

LOL no my fathers name is Larry Don Mitchell.

Julius,

That is an awesome name.

LOL no my fathers name is Larry Don Mitchell.

lol, ok... i knew it was a far shot.. but hey if I didn't ask I would have always had that lingering question....

That is an awesome name.


:nice: Yeah, he's an awesome guy. I tease him and call him "Jules", or "the Big J".

My suggestion is to contact a private investigator. Some don't charge much. Maybe they can find him.

Well all, the results are in. I found the father, as well as my paternal grand parents, an aunt, and the 5 siblings I never knew i had. It seems i was about 25 years too late in the looking, because I missed a whole other family. I am glad I never had to meet my father. turns out he is a rapeist, and an addict. Finding out the story of how I was concieved made me happp no one in the family knows where he is, because i would probably be in jail If i found out. The rest of the family seems super cool, had no idea who i was, and accepted me with open arms the minute i explained the whole thing to them. i am going next week to visit my new aunt, and my brothers and sisters I never knew i had. They seem pretty awesome for a family. I am very excited about the meeting.

Its really great that you met the rest of them and they welcomed you with open arms. Maybe with them you can have the extended family and find out all of the medical stuff you needed to know. Best of luck with them and I hope they are what you were looking for.

Thank ya smalltown. :) I am so excited I cant even begin to explain. This couldnt have come at a better time as well. Had Been really down and depressed lately, wwith the health issues, and troubles with the side of my family i actually knew. This little gift from God helped me to feel happy again, and I couldnt be more pleased. I would have loved to get to know all of them befor now, but the meeting of them couldnt have come at a better time as far as picking me up off the floor and smiling again.

thats neat man.
I have a half-brother somewhere that i have never met.

Thanks man. i have continued talking to new family members, and it is such a wonderfull thing. Hope you meet your half brother some time. It is a cool thing. I appreciate all who participated in this thread. It was probably the worst time in my life when I started this, and has turned into the second best after th birth of my son. Its crazy how the world turns.