ok... I need your advice... I have met a man through my work... he is WONDERFUL.... well almost...! I have got the biggest crush on him and have had for 7 months now.... we talk as friends and he knows (Ithink) that I am interested in more. The problem is, I am now in a relationship. I am in it because I need means to provide for my children and just wasn't surviving it on my own. The man I am with loves me to death yet I can not bring myself to return the feelings. I am constantly thinking of my beau. He talks to me and sometimes returns my calls yet is not all that dependable. He is all smiles when we see each other. What do I do?

what I would do...

stop feeling attracted to him and stay with the man who's loyal to you.

I couldn't even imagine dumping someone who loves me just because I found someone that I *think* I *might* like better.

That's heart breaking. :(

So you're using a man to support you and your children, leading him on so that he "loves you to death," all while wanting to be with someone else for 7 months?

I'd say you chose a most appropriate screen name.

I'm with Dreamscapist.

If we were to make any assessment of your situation based solely on this post, I'd say that you're the kind of woman that makes men into *******s.

...The problem is, I am now in a relationship. I am in it because I need means to provide for my children and just wasn't surviving it on my own. ...

That's really stretching it to call that a "relationship". I'm inclined to agree with Dreamscapist and say you're just using the poor guy. And I've got more for you in the Bad News Dept. - one of these days the dude is going to pick up that vibe. You may want to prepare yourself for the inevitable fallout.

As for this: "I need means to provide for my children and just wasn't surviving it on my own" - Fair enough, but surely there are more honest ways of seeking support/assistance than setting yourself up in a faux relationship. Are you totally without friends or family?

I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to piledrive you into the ground or anything - just trying to give you food for thought.

You are either a Troll or a horrible person.

Welcome to DA.

:rofl: Æ for president!

Im with No Brakes,in addition I think you better stick to the provider who loves you to death. The guy that you are attracted sounds like a dead end.
He's not dependable,sometimes returns your calls and is all smiles.
Somehow to me he sounds like a loser (who may be attractive). However,based on what you have said, I dont think he is all that interested in a relationship with you.
A case of the grass is greener on the other side?
BTW I dont think you are a horrible sometimes people have to do what they have to do.

As critical as everyone is being of you I'd say this is pretty standard stuff. You really only have two option and they are ultimately up to you.

1) Suck it up and realize that there are always going to be people out there you think you are attracted to. You need to learn to resist these urges.

2) Do the right thing and dump the guy that loves you. As hard as that may be and as upset as he will be, it is better for him. You can take the selfish path and commit an infidelity and there is a good chance he'll never find out. The risks are big and the pay off is also.

Frankly I think you should stop being such a drain on this guys resources if you can't calm your desires. If you're already feeling this way about another guy, how long do you think it is before you start wanting someone else? You'll find the grass isn't so green on the other side, especially if the guy you cheat on finds out and suddenly your children have no one but you supporting them because their mother made a bad decision.

Do the right thing if you can't write off this infatuation and dump him. Otherwise, go give this guy a hug and a kiss and tell him how much you appreciate what he does for you.

You have a workplace crush, which is very common and short term. You are also using and abusing a poor guy who has been decent to you.

Focus on your job, earn money, take care of your responsibilities, and act like an adult. Quit using people (ie, stop exploiting the man who is supporting you) and maybe you will then find a healthy relationship.

...and while you're out on that limb you might as well hang yourself.

The thing is why would it benefit her to do the "right thing?" Does everyone suddenly think there is a higher being keeping track of her tough decision to break it off with the guy she thinks "loves" her and is going to magically pay her back someone by creating beneficial circumstance later?

The fact is that relationship overlap happens all the time and it is simply part of the ladder theory. So Cyanide's next step is to see if the next sucker is up to the task and get more serious, and not tell the old sucker about it. If the new sucker says he is not interested, then she still has the old sucker.

The thing is why would it benefit her to do the "right thing?" Does everyone suddenly think there is a higher being keeping track of her tough decision to break it off with the guy she thinks "loves" her and is going to magically pay her back someone by creating beneficial circumstance later?

The fact is that relationship overlap happens all the time and it is simply part of the ladder theory. So Cyanide's next step is to see if the next sucker is up to the task and get more serious, and not tell the old sucker about it. If the new sucker says he is not interested, then she still has the old sucker.

Well as I said there is a high price to pay if she gets caught in her infidelity. Her kids will likely have no one to support them. Generally a guy who will enter into an affair is not someone that is reliable and it is only a matter of time before he goes off into his next adventure. It's a risky business. If she plays her cards right she can have her champion male and her supportive male.

Of course she is going to get responses like she has on this forum though. No man with any sort of empathy is going to suggest an infidelity. We ourselves don't want to be cheated on or used, why would we go tell another woman to do it herself?

I vote move on! Can't stay with someone you have no love for. Been there done that, was married 11 years and there was no love. It is an aweful way to try and live life. MOVE ON.

Ok... I will try to explain this a bit.... I have been attracted to this guy as i said for about 7 months. We have spent a little time together but never anything romantically. Now as for the guy I live with... we had a relationship a few years ago... broke it off.. told him I love him but am not in love with him. Well now, I hit a hard time that was major... bad enough I was living with a friend and my children had to stay in another state for awhile because frankly, I couldn't support them. Then out of the blue this guy offers to get back together and take care of me and the kids. We brought my boys back home, got them a nice home and are well provided for. We have been back together for a month and I still can't bring myself to have sex with him and can barely kiss the man. He is VERY unattractive. If I let him go, I will risk losing my children again. If I keep him, I keep the kids but have no happiness. He is gone 6 days a week from 5am until 9pm so there is no time together (thank God) yet I feel as though I need some type of intelligent conversation and a little bit of magic. To all that worry... I could get away with infidelity yet I feel like it is more of an emotional affair than anything else. As for the work guy... we do not work at the same place, he is a customer where I work. He is a business owner. I just feel like no matter what I do it will be the wrong decision.

Go work at the Bunny Ranch for awhile. That way, you can go after any guy you find attractive, and receive financial support in return for the favors you provide.

If the live-in knows you are not "in" love with him, and can go with out sex, then go with it til somphin better comes along.
If your using him, then get yer chit figured out, feet on the ground and move on.
As for the new guy, use him as motivation (IN YER MIND) to get out of the other relationship.

...I just feel like no matter what I do it will be the wrong decision.

You don't have a whole lot of faith in yourself, do you?

I suspect that you are more resourceful than you think. By putting your nose to the grindstone a bit, and keeping your eyes wide open, you should be able to find whatever it is you may need to resolve your situation.

why don't you just cheat on the guy you are currently with with the other guy?

isn't that what most people do when they like the lifestyle a persong ives them but don't like the person themselves?

Well then I suppose the guy you are "with" has brought it on himself. Just make sure you cover your tracks well enough.

He is gone 6 days a week from 5am until 9pm so there is no time together (thank God) yet I feel as though I need some type of intelligent conversation and a little bit of magic. To all that worry... I could get away with infidelity yet I feel like it is more of an emotional affair than anything else. As for the work guy... we do not work at the same place, he is a customer where I work. He is a business owner. I just feel like no matter what I do it will be the wrong decision.


Your explanation is only making you look more crass. You are behaving in a deceitful, manupulative manner - and the example you are setting your children is far more damaging than any financial struggle would be.

My children have no idea as to what I do in my life. I put the charade of the happy home maker to them. They view "the other guy" as moms friend from work as well as the neighbors brother. I would never let them see the web that weaves in my mind.

My children have no idea as to what I do in my life. I put the charade of the happy home maker to them. They view "the other guy" as moms friend from work as well as the neighbors brother. I would never let them see the web that weaves in my mind.

Pick up the book Sperm Wars by Robin Baker and read it in your spare time. You might start to understand the "web that weaves in your mind" a little better.

I think you're deluding yourself if you think your kids are picking up on the true nature of the situation.

I think you're deluding yourself if you think your kids are picking up on the true nature of the situation.


(I think this just about sets a Duplicate Post record. If it's worth saying once, it's worth repeating 11 times - UFF DA!)

I think you're deluding yourself if you think your kids are picking up on the true nature of the situation.

Shouldn't that be "...if they aren't picking up..."? :confused:

Shouldn't that be "...if they aren't picking up..."? :confused:


Good catch - yes it should be aren't - the blast of duplicate posts blinded my editing ability.

Back on topic - kids are much more discerning that adults believe them to be - especially when the adult in question wants to believe that they are clueless.

hmmm very interesting... i would definately keep the sucker...everybody needs a good man to fall back on... as for the other guy, i guess wait and see what happens.... if there are feelings, he'll come around... if not, then you still have the big lollipop...lol

*sniff*

*sniff*

I smell a multiple signup.

Anyway, I agree with Boe. Kids are smarter than most parents want to admit. They've probably picked up on more than you realize.

*sniff*

*sniff*

I smell a multiple signup.

...

I'm willing to bet you're right!

:nice: :nice: :nice: As critical as everyone is being of you I'd say this is pretty standard stuff. You really only have two option and they are ultimately up to you.

1) Suck it up and realize that there are always going to be people out there you think you are attracted to. You need to learn to resist these urges.

2) Do the right thing and dump the guy that loves you. As hard as that may be and as upset as he will be, it is better for him. You can take the selfish path and commit an infidelity and there is a good chance he'll never find out. The risks are big and the pay off is also.

Frankly I think you should stop being such a drain on this guys resources if you can't calm your desires. If you're already feeling this way about another guy, how long do you think it is before you start wanting someone else? You'll find the grass isn't so green on the other side, especially if the guy you cheat on finds out and suddenly your children have no one but you supporting them because their mother made a bad decision.

Do the right thing if you can't write off this infatuation and dump him. Otherwise, go give this guy a hug and a kiss and tell him how much you appreciate what he does for you.

It is good to hear that there are such decent people as yourself on this forum and in this world.




You have a workplace crush, which is very common and short term. You are also using and abusing a poor guy who has been decent to you.

Focus on your job, earn money, take care of your responsibilities, and act like an adult. Quit using people (ie, stop exploiting the man who is supporting you) and maybe you will then find a healthy relationship.

I do feel for you as I have children and have been in a situation where I have not been able to take care of them due to finances. Fortunately I had a mother who was able to assist. It is difficult to give advice when you are not in the situation, but staying with a guy because of finances is only asking for trouble. Sooner or later he is going to expect something in return and it may become ugly. The last thing you want is your children to be living in a home where their mother is being abused (verbally, physically or emotionally).
You need to be open and honest about your feelings towards this man. He may be accepting of them and still assist you with accomodation until you are in a position to move on. Don't even think of making the situation more complicated by adding another man to the equation. You need to focus on becoming independant because until then the man in your life will always have a hold on you. Where is the father of your children, does he not support you in any way?














Ok... I will try to explain this a bit.... I have been attracted to this guy as i said for about 7 months. We have spent a little time together but never anything romantically. Now as for the guy I live with... we had a relationship a few years ago... broke it off.. told him I love him but am not in love with him. Well now, I hit a hard time that was major... bad enough I was living with a friend and my children had to stay in another state for awhile because frankly, I couldn't support them. Then out of the blue this guy offers to get back together and take care of me and the kids. We brought my boys back home, got them a nice home and are well provided for. We have been back together for a month and I still can't bring myself to have sex with him and can barely kiss the man. He is VERY unattractive. If I let him go, I will risk losing my children again. If I keep him, I keep the kids but have no happiness. He is gone 6 days a week from 5am until 9pm so there is no time together (thank God) yet I feel as though I need some type of intelligent conversation and a little bit of magic. To all that worry... I could get away with infidelity yet I feel like it is more of an emotional affair than anything else. As for the work guy... we do not work at the same place, he is a customer where I work. He is a business owner. I just feel like no matter what I do it will be the wrong decision.