I'm a Chinese and my 31-years-older Turkish boyfriend is currently working here in Beijing and is supposed to go back to Turkey in 2008 upon the termination of his assignment in China. The relation's lasted for 1 year and remains a secret so far.

The main reason I've not told my family the existence of the boyfriend is that my conservative parents, in my opinion, would never accept him. Is it really a problem?! And I just do not how to get over it :(

I now start learning Turkish hard and would rather not woolgather anymore :|

How'd y'all meet? :confused:

How'd y'all meet? :confused:
We're currently working with the same agency, and he is my "colleague" as he said and my boss actually as well.

What religion if any does he observe? :confused:

Nah, he said once, "I do not observe any religion, but I believe God in my mind is perfectly fair".

Even so, he never takes pork.

If you are both consenting adults, its none of their business :)

Well, it's a tough situation, on the one hand it's your life and your love, you have a right to be happy with whomever you choose. On the other hand family is important and if your parents are "conservative" enough to disown you and cut ties if you stay with this man than you are risking a lot. I think you should tell your parents about him, explain how happy he makes you and how important he is to you. Also tell them how important they are to you and how you value their opinion and approval. Perhaps if they see how important this is to you they can accept it, or in the very least be civil about it.

Thanx for your advice, Tally.
It's probably the time for me to consider seriously the relations with him and with my parents as well and to find a way out.
It's really a hard thing to do though.
:( :( :(

Hi you stated "I now start learning Turkish hard and would rather not woolgather anymore" does this mean that you plan to migrate to Turkey in 2008 all being well? If so why not tell them closer to 2008?
Instead of risking things now in the early stages just continue to keep it a secret until push comes to shove. If you tell them now and dont go to Turkey then you would have had to deal with a stressful situation for no reason. Similiarly,if you tell them now and go to Turkey and they are conservatives surely they are going to be upset and this may put strain on both the relationship with your parents and your relationship with your boyfriend.

Even so, he never takes pork.

:hmm: You mean he doesn't eat pork? Does he ever say why?

You really should talk it over with your parents since your relationship with them has a greater chance of being long term.

Hi you stated "I now start learning Turkish hard and would rather not woolgather anymore" does this mean that you plan to migrate to Turkey in 2008 all being well?

I plan on going to Turkey instead of migration someday I don't know, maybe in late 2008 after he leaves.

Alas, if only he wasn't that older than me...

:hmm: You mean he doesn't eat pork? Does he ever say why?


"Not to eat pork is just my habit of years," he said.
Er...sounds like an excuse rather than a reason.

how much older is he than you?

my 31-years-older Turkish boyfriend

That much older, Tally. :)

My friend said he is too old to be my hubby (he got divorced long time ago), and I thought she was right. But I have strong feelings for him and I cannot help indulging in fantasy.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

........and I cannot help indulging in fantasy.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Hold the phone! Let's see what we've got here.........

He's 57 now, right? And he's been divorced for a long time. Not only that, in 2 years he'll be leaving to go back to his home country.

So basically, he'll be pushing 60 by the time he heads back to Turkey, but let's leave out the huge age difference for a minute. That alone is a problem in itself only because you're still quite young (and frankly, your friend is right in this case), but I'm seeing bigger red flags here.

Has he ever mentioned at any time over the past year of your secret relationship wanting you to join him in Turkey? I think you may be making more of this "relationship" than what it really is. I have an itchy feeling you are a most pleasant diversion for him while he's over there doing his professional duty, but not much more. I get the feeling that he's not likely to get married again, or even get involved in something really serious, even when he goes back, though I could be wrong about that. Granted, at his age he potentially still has a lot of living left in him, but starting a family doesn't look to me like one of the things on his "to do" list.

The part of your post that I quoted up there speaks volumes, in my opinion. I think before you even say anything to your parents, you really need to find out where you stand with him.

...It's probably the time for me to consider seriously the relations with him and with my parents as well and to find a way out. ...

Exactly. And no, it won't be easy, but it'll be a lot worse a couple of years down the line if things turn out to be not what you wanted and he ends up breaking your heart.

If he truly does want to get serious with this, fine. Yes, you'll have to figure out how to surmount the other obstacles (all the differences between the two of you, not to mention objections from both of your families), but the burden of a heavy heart from the uncertainty of the status of your relationship to me is the biggest burden you seem to be carrying at the moment. So you're right about not wanting to "woolgather" anymore, just get the burdens off your back one at a time - and start with the biggest, and most important, one first.

Good luck.

I mis-read and thought he was 31 years old. Now that ive found out he is 31 years older than you and a divorcee.....
Wallflower,im sorry,added to my previous post I think you are possibly being used. Such men dont want to marry again or have children.
You need to assess your relationship with him and fast.
Again since its even more complex than I thought dont even think of telling your parents yet.

Well, Adi, that's one thing I wanted her to confirm. I think it's safe to say English isn't her first language, and as good as she is with it, I still wanted to double check how old he actually is. After all, I could be the one misreading the OP!

Yes. He is 57, actually 58 now.

I almost cry over what you said, No Brakes, cos that's exactly what I knew and what I've been trying to avoid being confronted with. And I know he just pretends to be all right and then turns away.

I love him damn well and I'd rather believe he loves me that much too. Am I too stupid to get out of the relationship? Sigh...frankly I'm not a sane woman.

BTW, sorry for my poor English :(

Your english is pretty good,since its supposedly the hardest language to learn you're supposed to be acing Turkish.
Stay strong and talk to him and try and get an idea as to exactly how he feels about you and the relationship.

Definitely! Her English is far better that that of some of the native speakers we've got here!! :)

See, if she weren't all caught up in the "happily ever after" fantasy, I could simply say enjoy it for what it is and when it ends, that's that. That's just not going to work here - the delusion will simply build up.

So yeah, you've probably got the best way to go on this one. Stay strong, and try to get an idea of his true feelings as things roll along. Put the powers of observation to work. It could be that he may say or do something that will be the trigger to actually resolve the entire issue!

Stay strong and talk to him and try and get an idea as to exactly how he feels about you and the relationship.

Stay strong, and try to get an idea of his true feelings as things roll along. Put the powers of observation to work. It could be that he may say or do something that will be the trigger to actually resolve the entire issue!
Thank you all. :)