My daughter is 2 1/2 shes an amazing little girl. Her father live about 30 minutes away and does not see or ask about her. Months will go by before i hear anything from him and usually it is in an email and around a holiday or birthday. He has seen her 3 times since last August. When he does see her he is very good with her and she has a great time. He comes from a large family and at first they talked as if they wanted her in their family like all the other grandchildren are. Unfortunatly is has not been like that. My daughters father lives with his parents they are well aware that he does not see her. My parents and I have both tried to tell them that they are welcome to see her and that I want them to see her anytime. The problem is my daughter calls him daddy and she recognizes things that hes brought with him the few times hes visited. She does ask about him and says she wants to see him. A few months ago she also called a friend of mine daddy so im not sure shes fully aware of his role in her little world. Even so how do you explain to a toddler when she asks where her daddy is that he doesn't want to see her?

I thought you said he does want to see her?

no he does not see her except for holidays and birthdays

Maybe talk to him. Tell him its not very healthy for a young child to be without a father the more he is in her life the better it will be in the long run.

21/2 is too young to explain anything, they cant even talk by then. They call loads of people daddy.

Wait for a couple of years.

Yeah Ive written him letters and asked him to see her. We've been to court for custody and he has a visitation schedule but has yet to show up. I guess I'm used to fact that he's selfish enough thats hes not goin to be a constantr figure in her life . As of this point she thinks hes at work, I don't know if lying is right thing to do at her age or if i should just ignore her questions until shes old enough to figure it out on her own.

Maybe talk to him. Tell him its not very healthy for a young child to be without a father the more he is in her life the better it will be in the long run.

... too bad it's not that simple.

-michele

Never said it was it was a suggestion. Sometimes you have to be the bulley and put him in his place.

Singlemommy,it's very hard that little children have to suffer like this but it IS part of life.You can't keep your child from suffering,it's undeniably tragic that she doesn't see her daddy every day-I work witha lot of young girls whose babies don't get to see their daddies,Eeper on this board raised 2 boys,they hardly ever got to see their fathers..
You're only human,you can just do so much,but believe it or not,you're probably suffering worse than your child is. Don't blame yourself for things you can't change,
God loves you...

Never said it was it was a suggestion. Sometimes you have to be the bulley and put him in his place.

I know.

It's pretty sad when you reach a place where you must bully a father into seeing his own child.. part of any person would wonder if it's really worth it.

-michele

It was easier for me if he doesn't see her. I don't have to share her. Totally selfish on my part but so true. And it is his loss. I just don't know what to say to her. Lately shes been asking me wheres daddy, I wanna see daddy. I really didn't think shed ever question it b/c he wasn't around. Here I am and I have no idea what to say. I know I'm not allowed to bad-mouth him. It kills me that she still thinks hes this wonderful person that she actually wants to see, when hes only been around a handful of times grrrrr

Sorry,Nanci,no easy answer...
You got to see her through this,ut she WILL get through it.

thanks! :)

My sister #2 had the same problem. Dad was a loser, what to do? The best thing that she could do was to use simple explanations. "Hunny, I don't know where daddy is right now. Would you like to ...." Two year olds attention span isn't very long, so try to change to subject.
Even though you don't think he is a great person, his daughter does. She enjoys the attention of this nice man.
About not having to share her, what will you do when he does show an intrest in her? Get jealous? Possessive? His relationship ( as little as it is right now ) is HIS relationship with his daughter. Completely different than the one you have with her. The same goes for her relationship with him. really quite different, so it may not be fair to yourself or to your child to compare the way you interact with your daughter to the way he interacts with her. Thier feelings toward one another will be different. Not bad, or wrong, just different

My nephew used to call my father "papa" and "daddy" because he saw us girls call him dad and so forth. One way you can help the child out with that is to try and explain what her relationship is to that person. If its your dad she called "daddy", explain that he is HER granddad.
If it's a stranger, say so. It's easy for a little one to get confused, so it's best to nip these things in the bud. Also my sister made the mistake of allowing her son to call her boyfriends "daddy". Bad mistake. He was so confused and hurt when they would break up, and daddy wasn't around anymore. She has since learned not to alloy that, but it took a while for him to understand that the guy mommy is kissing isn't his dad.

I want her to have a relationship with him. I've begged him to do so. It has to be consistant he can't just come around on holidays thats not fair to her and confusing for her. Shes not around any men really aside from her pop-pop and uncle. I don't bring any man I date around her because i don't want to confuse her shes not old enough for that. The one friend of mine she called daddy I did explain that he was not daddy but shes not around any other men. I don't think the relationship her father has with her is every going to change hes just not interested. That is his choice that is not something that I created. Biology does not make you a daddy.Shes a smart girl shes understand way more than i ever thought she would at this age I guess she'll figure it out on her own one day

Hi there Single mommy I divorced my Daughters dad when she was 2 1/2 and he rarley sees her and she askes about him all of the time, but when he does see her he plays disney land daddy I used to say oh dads working then one day my exs parents took my daughter to the circus and he was there with the woman he left us for when he told me he was too busy to visit, so now when my daughter askes for him I dial his number and give him the phone and one time it went to voice mail my daughter is almost 5 now and she said Hi dad happy daddys day I love you please don't forget your daughter I wanted to go rip my ex's head off

There nothing you can do hang in there your kiddo will know your mom and dad and love ya even more for it

My sister #2 had the same problem. Dad was a loser, what to do? The best thing that she could do was to use simple explanations. "Hunny, I don't know where daddy is right now. Would you like to ...." Two year olds attention span isn't very long, so try to change to subject.
Excellent post, but especially that bit. My parents separated when I was very young - too young to remember them being together - and that was normal to me. He just wasn't there; no further explanation was ever sought or offered as far as I know. I actually think it would have been much more confusing if my mother had tried to explain why he wasn't there, because that's just not the kind of thing young kids understand. Now my daughter's two, and she seems to realize that I'm not home during weekdays, but I don't think she has any concept of me being at work vs. me playing at the beach vs. me disappearing into the void until 5pm or so. Nor should she, and I think the same would apply if I were gone for longer periods or forever. The facts are sufficient to a child that age. Explanations and interpretations can wait until they're much older.

So I'd say just let her enjoy her father when he's there, and enjoy something else when he's not. You can't change it, you can't make it better by trying to explain, you can just make the most of each moment as it happens.

My rather useless advice is as follows:

Don't lie, and try not to present your opinion of his intentions either. Maybe he doesn't want to see her, maybe his girlfriend doesn't want him to see her, maybe he just doesn't want to see you. The possibilities are endless. Tell her the simple truth, that you will write him and tell him she wants to see him, and then do. Put her in your lap when you write the email. Include that detail in the message.

Even very young children learn to parrot. If you lie, the lesson is that lying is OK. If you evade answering, the message is that evasion is OK. Morals are best taught through actions.

My rather useless advice is as follows:

Don't lie, and try not to present your opinion of his intentions either. Maybe he doesn't want to see her, maybe his girlfriend doesn't want him to see her, maybe he just doesn't want to see you. The possibilities are endless. Tell her the simple truth, that you will write him and tell him she wants to see him, and then do. Put her in your lap when you write the email. Include that detail in the message.

Even very young children learn to parrot. If you lie, the lesson is that lying is OK. If you evade answering, the message is that evasion is OK. Morals are best taught through actions.

Actually,that was pretty good advice...

Singlemommy, I know you are a good mom, you care for your daughter. She is a special little girl, I'm sure :) You should be honest to her to a point, don't lie, but no need to get into details with her like you do with your friends. I was a nanny for 7 years and I have to say 2 1/2 year olds are sometimes smarter than some adults. LOL They can sense fear, anger, happiness, honesty, etc. Children reflect their parents (most of the time), What they are raised around is normal to them. Be yourself, you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and your little girl will turn out fine. Just be honest, keep the faith, and let her know she will always have a Heavenly Father who will always be there for her. :angel:

If you evade answering, the message is that evasion is OK. Morals are best taught through actions.
Just to be clear, I didn't mean to counsel evasion. What I'm suggesting is merely an answer that is appropriate for the target audience. You're right that little kids pick up a lot of stuff from the adults around them. If you try to explain why daddy isn't there, they're unlikely to understand the explanation the way you meant it. What they might pick up is that it's no big deal if daddy's not around because he has a new girlfriend or because he's busy with other stuff, and what kind of lesson is that?

Tell the truth, definitely, but be careful about telling too much truth that might be misunderstood. That's almost a form of deception too. If you can't include details in a way that can be properly understood and placed in context by a two-year-old, it's better not to include them at all - not at that time. Wait until they're five, or seven, or twenty-eight, as appropriate.

My real mom was like your ex. She only showed up infrequently and sometimes not even on holidays.
My daugher asked questions when her daddy was no longer around (different reason so I could not tell her the truth). I just told her that her daddy just wasn't able to come visit and left it at that. I don't believe in lying to them but I try to keep the truth very very general.
Children are so perceptive that eventually yours will realize whats up and sad as it is, she will deal with it in her own way. It's not going to be easy, and as her parent you will always be the one to pick up the pieces when life hands her a disappointment. Mine are now almost 6, and 4 1/2, and they've quit asking about their daddy. Since I have a boyfriend and he has taken on the parental duties abdicated by their own dad, they have accepted him and don't ask anymore. Your situation isn't as easy though since your ex is able to come, but he just doesn't want to. It sucks that he's so selfish, but what goes around, comes around and some day you will find a wonderful guy who takes on the role given up by your ex, and your daughter will quit asking about him. Some day he will realize what a jerk he was, and want to be in her life but it will be too late.
You just keep up the hugs and she will not feel the rejection of her daddy quite so much, and as she grows, she will respect you for not bad-mouthing him when you could have.
Good luck.

Thank for all your responses. I haven't been on here for awhile and was presently surprised with the great advice. Thought Id give you a little update. My daughter will be four in November. Daddyhasn't been heard from or seen since xmas. It took about four months for her to stop asking about him but now all on her own she says that she doesn't have a daddy. Ive pretty much being tell her that there are all different kinds of families. Also that being a parent is a big responsibility. I've been sticking with your daddy loves you very much but he's not ready for the responsilbilty of being a daddy right now. Right or wrong I dunno but she seems to be okay. Only time will tell but things are much better. Sadly its easier for him to be gone 100% of the time then only around 10%, that was too hard on her. Thank you again for all the advice. I will glady accept any other sage words you may have!:)

I've never met my father and my mother didn't see me a whole lot either. I think I turned out OK. My grandparents were my legal guardians. As long as a child has a source of love and understands that, usually the child will get by allright. A two-parent household would be preferable, but sometimes you have to make the best of a situation where there's an irresponsible parent.

Hi, singlemom

I don't have any children but if I had and was in your situation, this is what I'd do. I'd call him up and tell him he's a allowed to see her two times a year: for her holiday and for Christmass. That's all. And he'd better show up, or else he'll have zero time of seeing his daughter.

Your girl is too little to understand, but kids do develop abandon complexes and their root is in the childhood.They think its their fault, it's because of them daddy won't see them. You need to provide a stable environment for your kid. She doesn't need people walking in and out of her life, not even her father. She needs to know what to expect. the "why" is for later.

My 2 cents, anyway.