36 Things To Do
To Not Get Invited Back To Church

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1. During Communion, when handed a wafer, declare loudly: "No thanks, I'm a pagan."

2. During Communion, when handed a wafer or wine, libate.

3. During Communion, when handed a wafer, break off a piece and pass it to the person on you left, saying "May you never hunger."

4. During Communion, when offered wine, pull out your athame and perform the symbolic Great Rite.

5. Ask if the communion wafers come with dipping sauce. If anyone answers "No" pull out a bottle of honey mustard.

6. When the minister invites the congregation to pray, pull out a drum and start chanting.

7. Make change from the collection plate.

8. During the sermon, keep raising your hand.

9. Keep referring to Jesus as "God's Bastard".

10. Get "the spirit". (This works best in Catholic or Southern Baptist venues)

11. While the rest of the congregation is singing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" try to start rounds of "Row, Row, Row your Boat".

12. Vomit.

13. Ask to sing in the choir. Pick your nose the entire time.

14. Same as #13, but spontaneously sing The Vatican Rag.

15. Bring the Sunday comics section. Read during sermon. Laugh out loud.

16. Same as #15, but add Silly Putty.

17. Keep bringing up the Spanish Inquisition.

18. Wash your hands in the holy water fount. (Hint: Bring your own soap)

19. Fart. Loudly. Blame it on the little blue-haired lady sitting in front of you. Repeat often.

20. Tarot readings during Sunday School.

21. During the invitation, step into the aisle, walk halfway to the front. Stop. Change your mind. Turn around and run, screaming frantically, until you're outside.

22. After every hymn, during that brief moment of silence, sing "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits!"

23. Bring pets.

24. Pretend you don't speak English (or whatever language is predominant)

25. Think ballpark. Think food vendor. Become an entrepreneur.

26. Pretend you're at a concert. Bring a beach ball.

27. Come in on crutches. Halfway through service, stand up and shout "I'm healed!!" Fall down. (Optional: Repeat several times)

28. Bring your own incense.

29. Have a pizza delivered. Ask for extra wine during communion.

30. Attend services in drag.

31. Keep asking, "Where do the goats get sacrificed?"

32. Ask the minister, "But do you think God really satisfied Mary?"

33. Announce loudly that in case of Rapture, you want the pope's hat.

34. Sing along with all the hymns in a snappy, Las Vegas style

35. Two words: Super Soaker

36. One Word: Skyclad




By Turoks Cabana

10. Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9. Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8. Hard to keep flaming goat's skulls lit.
7. Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6. Blood stains from the sacrifices are impossible to get out of the carpet.
5. Wailing of the damned souls in hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4. The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3. Repeated stooping motions for administering the Kiss of Shame is difficult on the older coven members.
2. Demons smell even worse than brimstone

And The #1 Reason Why Witches Don't Worship Satan ...


1. It's impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!!

By Turoks Cabana

1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides me.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy God in vain without the express written consent of Adonai thy God. The name "Adonai thy God" is the sole property of Adonai thy God. Any use of the name of Adonai thy God without the express written consent of Adonai thy God is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy God.

4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

5. Honor thy single parent.

6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.

8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Judy.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his powertools.

By Turoks Cabana

The Candles Are Blowin' Out Again
Words: Bill Beattie
Music: Blowing in the Wind by Bob Dylan

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How many robes can a Witch ignite
While dancing too close to the flame?
How many words from the Grimm Brothers' tales
Can you really expect to "reclaim"?
And how many chants fall as flat as a tack
When you mispronounce each Sacred Name?

Chorus:
The candles, my friend, are blowin' out again.
The candles are blowin' out again.

How many times can the incense go wild
And firemen break down your door?
How many times can athames get dropped
And spear peoples' feet to the floor?
Yes, and how many times can you brandish your wand
And whack the HP on the jaw?

Chorus

How many years can you do the same rite
And still get the words mostly wrong?
And how many spells of "Hereditary Craft"
Quote verses from Erica Jong?
And how many times can your Sabbat Great Rite
Last less than a half minute long?

Chorus

The wonderful thing about witches,
Is witches is wonderful things.
They dance, they prance, they clap and sing.
They live a life of joy, peace and fun.
But, the most wonderful thing about witches is...
I AIN'T the only one.

The wonderful thing about witches,
Is witches is wonderful folks.
They're serious when needed,
but always quick with jokes.
They honor the Lord, they honor the lady.
They love to lay in a field and bask in the sun,
Or under a tree where it's shady.
But, the most wonderful thing about witches is ...
I AIN'T the only one.

The wonderful thing about Witches,
Is Witches have wonderful souls.
Their hearts will swell, they make folks well,
And around campfires, stories tell.
They're happy, clappy, sometimes sappy,
And when they don't ground right, they're often zappy,
But the most wonderful thing about Witches is...
I... AIN'T... The... Only... One.


By Turoks Cabana

Top Ten Cheesy Pick-Up Lines For Pagans

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10. Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?
9. Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?
8. Would you like to come over to my place and widdershens?
7. Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?
6. Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.
5. So, do you draw down the moon here often?
4. What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?
3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.
2. You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind "all" night long.
And the Number One Cheezey Pick-Up Line for Pagans to Use at Gatherings is:
1. Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?


By Turoks Cabana

they are ALL wonderful! :)

Love em!:D

I need to find a few more though....


What do you say to an angry Witch?




Ribbit :)

Originally posted by Raynewitch
I need to find a few more though....


What do you say to an angry Witch?




Ribbit :)

BUHAHAHA... i love you.. that's awesome...

i am soooooo using that one tomorrow.. now to add it to my daily life somehow.. ;)

hahahahahaha.....if my mom ever drags me to church again i'll print these out and friggin' use em : )

i got thrown out of church once, but that was for laughing at one of the sermons. some people take fire and brimstone so SERIOUSLY :rolleyes:
my favorite was the top ten suggestions.

I like "The Wonderful Thing About Witches" myself ;) But they are all pretty funny :)

Good job my dear ...

:D

Damn! These are hilarious. I've printed them out.

I go to church every now and then, and I'm actually considering using some of the one's from the first post.

Here's another, from Redfield's own experiences;

Ask someone, the cashier at the store, a person on a bus, or even a pastor of a church, "If the pine-tree-shaped air freshners smell like pine, and the lemon shaped ones smell of lemon zest, then why don't the ones with the pictures of Jesus on them smell like Christ? Or the ones with Mary on them smell like Catholicism? I personally think that's a rip-off."

You'll get a laugh every time, because no one has the answer.

:D

Ribbit!

Too funny. :)

Thanks, Merry Meet.
I feel like such a voyeur reading your little book...

It IS religiously offensive, it is, it is...ME LIKEY MUCHO!!!

*impersonating Jesse Jackson* Can I 'hell yeah!' ?

So, it seems that two nuns were traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second.

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" screams the first nun.

"Show him your cross!" says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY ****ING HOOD!!"

im sorry but this is freakin hilarious...i may be sleep deprived but damn it im laughin really hard

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Hope they dont mind me ripping this off......

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Mwahahahahahahahaha! Good stuff! This ones my absolute FAVOURITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

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Funny stuff!!!:D

Originally posted by Katalina
Funny stuff!!!:D

i love this comic.....plus its a lot more work safe than the one Miss Misery clued me in on! (Go sexylosers!!)

Go sexy:p

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Caffeine is my shepherd


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Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal -
For thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks.
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the House of Mocha forever.

How to tell if you're a militant Pagan:


1. When you use a flame-thrower to light the altar candles.

2. When your athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16.

3. When your robe is made of camouflage material.

4. When your cakes & wine come from MRE's.

5. When your book of shadows contains plans on defusing bombs, poison
antidotes and basic survival techniques.

6. When your circle is marked by barb-wire.

7. When you have to ride an ATV or HumVee to get to the Covenstead.

8. When you use an artillery shell casing for your God symbol.

9. When you take down a tent to move the Covenstead.

10. When your familiar is either a Doberman, Rotweiller or German Shepherd.

11. When you use a hubcap for a scrying dish.

12. When you use teargas to smudge when doing banishings.

13. When your goddess symbol is Tank Girl.

14. When 1st degree training includes Ninjisu or other forms of martial arts.

15. When your circle name is Spike, Slash, Ripcord, Hawkeye, Bubba, or
anything that ends with 'ster'.

16. When you use machine gun fire to cast your circle.

17. Instead of using an acorn or pine cone, you use a hand grenade for a
God symbol (if there isn't an artillery shell available).

18. When you use a compass for a divination tool.

19. When you use a bullet on a string for a pendulum.

20. When you call your High Priest "Commander", and your High Priestess as "General" or "Bitch Queen".

As we all know, WWJD? is "What Would Jesus Do?" Now we have:

WWAD? A= Artemis- Turn him into a stag to be torn apart by his barking poodle.
WWAD? A= Athena- Stare him down (Then beat the crap out of them... in a logical manner.)
WWAD? A= Adonis- Take them boar hunting.
WWAD? A= Anubis- Give them a fine funeral.
WWAD? A= Appolo- Test their musical skills... in a fair contest.
WWAD? A= Aphrodite- Don`t you mean "Who" would Aphrodite do?
WWAD? A= Attis- First off... his voice would get REAL HIGH!...
WWAD? A= Astarte- Make love AND war.
WWAD? A= Aequitas- Give them a fair deal.
WWAD? A= Angerona (Goddess of secrecy)-Not gonna tell ya!

WWBD? B= Baal- Shine some light on it.
WWBD? B= Bacchus- Get them drunk and turn them into dolphins.
WWBD? B= Boreas- Blow them out of the water.
WWBD? B= Britannia- Rule!
WWBD? B= Buddha- Does it matter? If you are enlightened it does not. If you are not enlightened it still doesn`t matter.

WWCD? C= Ceres- Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.
WWCD? C= Ceridwen- Stir it up one more time.
WWCD? C= Chaos- No one is quite sure... but it will be messy and interesting.
WWCD? C= Cthulu- Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.
WWDD? D= Demeter- Lay waste to your lands if you don`t have her daughter
back by 10 p.m.! (And DON`T lay a hand on her!)
WWDD? D= Discordia- Here... have an apple...IF you are the fairest!

WWED? E= Epona- Give them a good tip on a fast horse in the sixth.
WWED? E= Ereskigal- Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.
WWTED? ET= The Elueusinians- It`s a mystery!
WWFD? F= Flora- Say it with flowers.
WWFD? F= Fortuna- Play the lottery.
WWFD? F= Fides- Keep good faith.

WWGD? G= Gaia- Remind them to worship the ground they stand on.
WWHD? H= Hades- Tell them to go to Hell.
WWHD? H= Hecate- Show them the right path... or is it the left?
WWHD? H= Hera- She`d get jealous.
WWHD? H= Hercules- He`d labor to come up with an answer.
WWHD? H= Hermes- Tell them to get the message or take a hike.
WWHD? H= Herne- Lead them on a Wild Hunt!

WWID? I= Iris- Paint them a rainbow to send the message.
WWID? I=Isis- Find every part of them after they are torn apart.
WWJD? J= Janus- Look the other way.
WWJD? J= Juno- Make sure they marry well.
WWJD? J= Jupiter- Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.

WWKD? K= Kali- Tear out their beating heart, drink their blood & dance on their trembling
corpse. Then wear parts as jewelry.
WWKD? K= Klotho- Wind it up.
WWKD? K= Kwan Yin- Show them some mercy.
WWLD? L= Loki- Turn left at the next street, buy five chickens, "borrow" some jewelry, change into a
seal and steal some apples. For starters.
WWLD? L= Luna- Moon them!

WWMD? M= Mithras- Cut the bull!
WWMD? M= Mars- Suit up for battle.
WWMD? M= Mercury- Change his mind... again.
WWND? N= Narcissus- Huh? Is there someone else here?
WWND? N= Neptune- Ride the ninth wave.
WWND? N= Nemesis- Get "furious".
WWND? N= Nike- Be victorious.
WWND? N= Nyx- "Good Night!"

WWOD? O= Osiris- Cut to the "bone".
WWOD? O= Odin- Hang on a tree for nine days until you start seeing things.
WWOD? O= Orpheus- SIng the blues.
WWPD? P= Pan- Tell them to pipe down of F_ck off.
WWPD? P= Pax- Tell them "peace".
WWPD? P= Persephone- Just take a little bite, it wont be that bad.
WWPD? P= Pluto- Hump Minnie`s leg.
WWPD? P= Poseidon- Have an adventure... but there has to be a morning after.
WWPD? P= Prometheus- GIve it some thought first.

WWSD? S= Set- You don`t want to know but it wont be nice.
WWSD? S= Shiva- Start all over again.
WWTD? T= Themis- Put on a blindfold before she decides.
WWTD? T= Thor- Hammer it out.
WWVD? V= Vesta- Keep the home fires burning.
WWVD? V= Vulcan- Live long and prosper.
WWYD? Y= Yahweh- "I hear you, I hear you. Stop with the burning bush already! OY!
WWZD? Z= Zeus- By Jove, he`d flirt with the girls!

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hehehe

Those are funny! Post some more:)

What the lady wants.......

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heh I like second one the best!!
Thank you Dee!
Kiss:D

Try one last time with this one.

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funny:D

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hehehe

Hahaha!

You know that last one was done that way just cuz they couldn't figure out what to put in that bubble...:)

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We dont have Starbucks here. I wish we did.

Pretty self explanitory ;)

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*Laughin* that one is really good:)

Hehehe....yeah.

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Eviiiiiilllllllll

That last one calls for the laughin smiliehttp://websmileys.bei.t-online.de/lachen70.gif

Assorted jokes :)

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

Witches do it in the moonlight

Practice safe hex

Misspellers of the world, unit!

We're Gardnerians...off with your clothes

Ankh if you love Isis!!

"Sorry I wasn't in church last Sunday, but I was practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian"

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid? --Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician? --Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian? --Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub? - Self-Cleaning Coven

What is a California Cauldron? -- Four Pagans in a Hot tub

How the Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences


LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again....Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin - that looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel or not (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?)Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by the mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes he no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc.,. . .making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his life.

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . .but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing without her" that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

SCOPRIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly - and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir, and on and on (another reason to opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). As Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to amazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he is dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

PISCES: For some reason, our Pisces friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, many report seeing beings who tell them to go back to their bodies during a typical day at the office.

Astrology Light Bulb Jokes

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?

What, me move?


How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?

II

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?

A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?

One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?

Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?

One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?

The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?

What light bulb?

How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?

"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

Circle Etiquette

Never summon Anything you can't banish.

Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.

Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.

When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"

Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.

Never, *ever* set the Witch on fire.

Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.

A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons really love those those.

Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.

Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.

Carry an all-purpose translator's dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.

Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.

If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbor's name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.

Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.

While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.

If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise your hand! While it is true that volunteering will most likely gain you stature and prestige amongst the group, thereby allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is equally likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling demonic horde.

Original Authors Unknown

TOP 10 HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
6. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack!
4. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
3. Have your Mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY BUT ISN"T.....

1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

Hehehe I know people like this!



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Ohh a two parter! How Victor got down from the tree:

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Yes, as always...kitty saves the day.

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I love Cardboard cutouts. I used to have one of Russell Crowe. In Gladiator...when he was sexy.

Boy oh boy...I luuuuuuuuuurve this one :)


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homer: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Sacreligious!

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Hehehe. Its funny cos its TRUE! Well not for me. Days gone by, then it was true for me.

A nun and a priest were send by the Pope to bring peace in Iraq.

They came in Najaf and asked for two camels.
The sales man said:" Be aware that the camels only have water for 6 days and you must find an oasis between here and Baghdad."

After much delay due to the fighting forces they had not been at an oasis.
The camels died.
The priest,who saw the writing on the wall asked the nun:"Before I die I would like to see your innersanctum .
So the nun undressed and the priest saw it all.
The nun asked in turn:"Before I die I want to see your thinghy
The priest undressed and showed his thingy and said:"This is the giver of life"
The nun retorted:"Why did you not give it to the camel"

The joke is longer but this will do.

It was Friday,and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off.They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,"Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies,"OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding,"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

It funny because its true! True I tell you!

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Ahhh screw it.

Please don't ever change your avatar.

*laughs* If you'd seen some of her earlier ones, you wouldn't say that.

But but but! I have the perfect one of a big fat hairy man in a thong! How could you not want to see that?! Am I right folks? RIGHT!

:D Rose stays for now ;) But Aly Hannigan may be back :D

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Good times.

Super fab? Indeed!

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You never steer me wrong my friend.

Oh, The Onion....you never let me down! (http://www.theonion.com/onion3925/minister_constantly.html)

And of course...the best Ask A... (http://www.theonion.com/onion3511/woman_who_may_be_poor.html) ever!

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Heh, who hasnt made this blunder :D

Is this everyone Ive ever met???

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http://www.redmeat.com/redmeat/2003-07-01/index-1.gif This may be rapidly becomming a new fave comic strip.

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LMFAO!

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Lowbrow? Me likey!

*blink* *blink*

Dont pretend you didnt pee your pants laughing.

This reminds me of Caridad. I dont know why.

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"Pope-ing stick" does the madness never end?!

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WWJD
Anon

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As we all know, WWJD? is "What Would Jesus Do?" Now we have:

WWAD? Adonis- Take them boar hunting.

WWAD? Aequitas- Give them a fair deal.

WWAD? Angerona (Goddess of secrecy)-Not gonna tell ya!

WWAD? Anubis- Give them a fine funeral.

WWAD? Aphrodite- Don't you mean "Who" would Aphrodite do?

WWAD? Appolo- Test their musical skills... in a fair contest.

WWAD? Artemis- Turn him into a stag to be torn apart by his barking poodle.

WWAD? Astarte- Make love AND war.

WWAD? Athena- Stare him down (Then beat the crap out of them... in a logical manner.)

WWAD? Attis- First off... his voice would get REAL HIGH!...

WWBD? Baal- Shine some light on it.

WWBD? Bacchus- Get them drunk and turn them into dolphins.

WWBD? Boreas- Blow them out of the water.

WWBD? Britannia- Rule!

WWBD? Buddha- Does it matter? If you are enlightened it does not. If you are not enlightened it still doesn't matter.

WWCD? Ceres- Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.

WWCD? Ceridwen- Stir it up one more time.

WWCD? Chaos- No one is quite sure... but it will be messy and interesting.

WWCD? Cthulu- Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.

WWDD? Demeter- Lay waste to your lands if you don't have her daughter back by 10 p.m.! (And DON'T lay a hand on her!)

WWDD? Discordia- Here... have an apple...IF you are the fairest!

WWED? Elueusinians- It's a mystery!

WWED? Epona- Give them a good tip on a fast horse in the sixth.

WWED? Ereskigal- Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.

WWFD? Fides- Keep good faith.

WWFD? Flora- Say it with flowers.

WWFD? Fortuna- Play the lottery.

WWGD? Gaia- Remind them to worship the ground they stand on.

WWHD? Hades- Tell them to go to Hell.

WWHD? Hecate- Show them the right path... or is it the left?

WWHD? Hera- She'd get jealous.

WWHD? Hercules- He'd labor to come up with an answer.

WWHD? Hermes- Tell them to get the message or take a hike.

WWHD? Herne- Lead them on a Wild Hunt!

WWID? Iris- Paint them a rainbow to send the message.

WWID? Isis- Find every part of them after they are torn apart.

WWJD? Janus- Look the other way.

WWJD? Juno- Make sure they marry well.

WWJD? Jupiter- Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.

WWKD? Kali- Tear out their beating heart, drink their blood and dance on their trembling corpse. Then wear parts as jewelry.

WWKD? Klotho- Wind it up.

WWKD? Kwan Yin- Show them some mercy.

WWLD? Lilith- "Banish him to the desert to play with her children!"

WWLD? Loki- Turn left at the next street, buy five chickens, "borrow" some jewelry, change into a seal and steal some apples. For starters.

WWLD? Luna- Moon them!

WWMD? Marduk- "Chop, chop. Slash, slash!"

WWMD? Mars- Suit up for battle.

WWMD? Mercury- Change his mind... again.

WWMD? Mithras- Cut the bull!

WWND? Narcissus- Huh? Is there someone else here?

WWND? Nemesis- Get "furious".

WWND? Neptune- Ride the ninth wave.

WWND? Nike- Be victorious.

WWND? Nyx- "Good Night!"

WWOD? Odin- Hang on a tree for nine days until you start seeing things.

WWOD? Orpheus- SIng the blues.

WWOD? Osiris- Cut to the "bone".

WWPD? Pan- Tell them to pipe down or **** off.

WWPD? Pax- Tell them "peace".

WWPD? Persephone- Just take a little bite, it wont be that bad.

WWPD? Poseidon- Have an adventure... but there has to be a morning after.

WWPD? Prometheus- GIve it some thought first.

WWSD? Set- You don't want to know but it wont be nice.

WWSD? Shiva- Start all over again.

WWTD? Themis- Put on a blindfold before she decides.

WWTD? Thor- Hammer it out.

WWVD? Vesta- Keep the home fires burning.

WWYD? Yahweh- "I hear you, I hear you. Stop with the burning bush already! OY!

WWZD? Zeus- By Jove, he'd flirt with the girls!