Sunday, October 19, 2003 5:07 PM

Wow. Hadn't realized it was this long since the last entry. Ouch. My error. I have got to do a better job at this, or pull the plug on it altogether. The original idea was to post up a week's worth of entries in Word, then drop each week into my DA journal. That way I only have 13 or 14 posts each quarter, but record something for most every day. Have not been doing that, not at all. To my shame. I have also not been doing solid job at work. I got through the month of self-banning, then promptly returned to all my old bad habits while at work. That is very, very bad. I'll give it one more week of a loose leash on-line, but if things are still not under control, I think I have to completely stop going on-line while at work. Christ, I'm sure the server has log files of everything anyone does anyway.

I'm borderline to coming down with a cold. I've got a slight sore throat, feel hot, and a bit weak. Neither jogged nor lifted weights (my pathetic version of both) today, just to be on the safe side. Watched the Patriots game. Funny that I seem to be losing interest in organized sports as a fan, but I'll still plunk myself down on Sunday and waste 3 1/2 hours vicariously living through athletes that couldn't give two hoots about me. Probably not a good use of time, but there you have it.

The long and short of my life at this point is this: I am drifting aimlessly along, not going anywhere in particular. I am not planning for my future, I am not giving much value to my employer, and I am not any more organized at work, home, etc., than I was when I began this journal. In that sense it is a huge failure. In that sense I am failing. I don't believe in sugar coating this, as it is nothing less than the truth.

I may see if I can't get some kind of seasonal job at UPS or something to earn some extra cash. I doubt I could have done this before my hypothyroidism was diagnosed, but I think I've got the energy to do it now. I'll have to look into it.

I guess the thing to do at this point is post this entry into a new Quarter 4 2003 thread. I'll have to try to stay on track with this at least until I figure out

Wednesday, October 08, 2003 6:50 AM

I'm very frustrated about work lately. I feel like a second class citizen, given the way the other staff in the office is sent to training, put on special projects, that sort of thing. The challenge for me is to keep my "cool" and act like a good Stoic. Its too bad, though, because I feel my clients are being shortchanged in at least one area: my continuing ignorance of quickbooks. I'd really like some training in that area, and I think I could definitely do a better job with my clients. My responsibility, however, is to act like a good worker and not let this stuff get to me. I probably will mention the situation to one of the partners.

Speaking of this, I dunno where this has come from, but I seem to be on something of short fuse lately. I don't think it has shown, but I could be wrong. Not sure where this has come from, it is a bit unlike the usual me.

Will have to make another entry later. Am out of time, and was distracted by my cheap stereo not working right. Lost my cool at it, too. Too funny.


Tuesday, October 07, 2003 7:18 AM

First day back lifting weights. Pathetic. Mr. Rubber Arms. Could barely get through 3 x 10 bench press at 80 pounds. Had even more trouble with the military press 3 x 10 with 40 lb hexbells. Oh, well. Things can only get better. From what I've read this may be the hypothyroidism. Then again, pretty soon I'm going to start blaming the performance of my mutual funds on it. I seem to be excusing every physical or emotional problem I've got on this condition. Which is a cop-out. But, OTOH, there is a definite component of it in all this, if the literature I've read it correct. Probably didn't help the cause by jogging for 45 minutes first, either.

Watched a bit of the Sox game last night, but didn't persevere for the whole thing. I doubt they'll win a World Series in my lifetime, but you never know. Stopped watching when the first two batters at the top of the eighth got hits and they yanked Pedro. Figured it was over then, even though they lead 4-3. But, they pulled it out. Go figure. I think they lose to the Yankees in five games. Phooey. But, they just don't have the horses. However, the Yankees seem to be getting old. Maybe it'll go seven. I also didn't think they'd beat the A's, so my crystal ball ain't the best.

I'm looking to outrun the available work again, hopefully by the end of the week. Its kind of amusing to do this. I've got a bunch of stuff I want to read, hopefully teach myself some more quickbooks, etc. I anticipate November will be even worse. If that happens, I probably will go back to allowing myself onto message boards during work hours, at least as long as the work is slow.

Monday, October 06, 2003 7:37 AM

Had a wonderful run yesterday. Went to the park, ran the trails with the dog. Did in 46 minutes and change what recently would have taken me an hour. Other than that, did very little yesterday. Grocery shopping, watched football and played Darkstone for what shall be my last time. Once I kill that pesky dragon one last time. Had wanted to create a character and have him go an entire game without dying, but, alas, that is not to be. I figure I'll finish that up sometime this week. Did not do much reading yesterday. Felt very tired from the late afternoon on. The hypothyroidism, I suspect, is to blame. I have a sinking feeling that's just how its going to be from now on. My energy is much higher in the morning that it was before the medicine kicked in, but afternoon to evening is not much improved, unless I'm doing something interesting.

Should have a very busy week at work. I hope. If I get slow like the other week again, I'll probably fail, so close to my goal Interrupted my wife. Will finish later. Need to get ready for work.


Sunday, October 05, 2003 6:44 AM

Not much to report on for the past two days. I do feel quite a bit better physically, since the medication has reached a therapeutic level. I guess there are a lot worse things that could happen to you, besides hypothyroidism. Especially having a doctor who thinks M.D. isn't shorthand for God. Apparently getting people diagnosed as hypothyroid is often a huge problem. Wasn't in my case, which means either I had it so bad or that my doctor was willing to listen. Possibly both.

On the downside, she (my doctor) called during the week last week and wants me to go see an Endocrinologist. Her fear is that having one screwed up gland system often means that you're a risk for more. My testosterone levels are horrible, but still within the normal range. On whatever scale they use, I was at 223, with "normal" falling between 200 to 1200. No idea if that's okay or not. Maybe it is maybe it ain't.

And, here's something I've been a bit hesitant to put in the journal, but, why not. No one knows who I am IRL, and no one in IRL knows I'm keeping this. So, here goes: My sexual drive is gone. I mean zapped. I mean history. And, even worse, this doesn’t actually bother me. Its like having an itch that no longer needs to be scratched. I'd just as soon keep things this way, even though that's awful selfish, having a wife who is certainly normal in that department. So, its off to the endocrinologist I shall go when the time comes, and I shall mention this to him (already discussed with G.P.). Probably I shall be put on some sort of testosterone patch.

Running a bit short on time, if I plan to keep this to 15 minutes. Was a complete slug yesterday. Watched the entire Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy TV series on DVD, plus most of the special features. Plus a movie that I feel I should have liked, but just didn't: The Ring. My eyes feel like they're going to roll down the side of my head. Did absolutely nothing constructive. But, I guess that's okay, given where I am in my life. Possibly will be doing the same today. Have not explored this whole libido issue adequately, but do feel a bit better for having mentioned it.

Friday, October 03, 2003 7:20 AM

First entry of the fourth quarter. Obviously have not been as diligent on keeping this as I had hoped, but it is kind of positive that at least I am continuing to do it. Little over a week to go on the "Month of Silence." Looks like I'm going to be able to get through it. Still not sure how I'm going to behave once it is over. Will I return to my old bad habits? Will I continue to abstain completely from message boards? I think what I shall do is try to confine myself to going onto them from home only. This tactic has not worked in the past, but neither have I been able to go a whole month, either. Such is the banality of my life.

Wife's inspection went very well. All her hard work paid off. Very glad for her. Interesting that I probably put in 30 hours or so typing and setting tables and charts up. I should ask to be hired. Did learn some things about Word that I never knew before, like how to finally get the stupid outline features to work. They're still not very good, but at least I can know figure my way around it.

Need to get going on some things I've been slacking about. First, I need to start being very diligent on using the Franklin Planner. Especially for things like recording phone conversations. A situation arose at work that would have been much easier handled had I kept a record of the conversation AND notified all interested parties about this seriously screwed up partnership, which led to a seriously screwed up tax return. My handwriting is just so awful, and I am so slow with it, that that poses something of an almost insuperable barrier. Being left-handed sucks sometimes. Second, I need to schedule some tasks around the house, for things like routine cleaning. For too long I've let the wife take too much of the burden of these things. Third, I need to figure out what I want to learn and to attack these areas to the best of my ability. I think my focus needs to be on work related areas, which given my job will also overlap with certain personal finance questions. As noted in previous entries I don't seem to be reading anywhere near as much as I once did. Still not certain if this is a case of quality displacing quantity or not. Guns, Germs and Steel and not the Wheel of Time. It may just be an unfortunate fact that I'm now exercising more, doing more work around the house, and trying to be a diligent employee. It may be that I need to lighten up a bit. Nothing wrong with a good Mystery, SF or Fantasy novel now and then. Only problem is, I'm just not that interested.

Out of time. Need to cover my medical and physical condition at some point. Particularly with regard to exercising, and whatever else can go wrong.

Sunday, October 26, 2003 5:13 AM

I'm getting increasingly frustrated with how things are going at work. My piss poor attitude doubtless is a large reason why things are what they are, but it still sucks that I'm not getting the training in certain areas that I feel I need. I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and tough it out. As will be noted in the random thoughts portion of the program, I also had massive computer problems this week, which did not do much for my productivity. Office installed a new server, and the usual fun and games resulted.

The sad truth is, I am not very good at my job. I don't enjoy it, I'm not particularly engaged while I'm doing it, I spend a substantial amount of time screwing off, and my time management skills are abominable. Having said all of this, I am also ashamed to a large degree with my conduct while at work. I would like to view myself as a man of honor, to some degree or other. This means giving eight hours of work for eight hours of pay. It means giving my clients my best effort, it means being honest and forthright on my timesheets, it means being positive and helpful to my co-workers. It means not engaging in office gossip or backbiting. I have fallen into all of these traps. My conduct rather revolts me. Either **** or get off the pot, punk. Whining about how much I hate working where I do helps no one and solves nothing.

The other charming thing: I am probably suffering from adult onset "hypogonadism," which basically means I'm sterile. Probably as my doctor suspected earlier, one glandular system screwing up as caused at least one other to do so. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in January. Hopefully I can get in sooner so we can figure things out as soon as possible. My wife also dropped a bit of a bombshell. I'm rather pissed at her over this, but she's actually been off of birth control for about 3 years now. She never told me until yesterday. Actually, saying I'm rather pissed is a bit of a misnomer. I'm so depressed about things that I'm finding it hard to work up much enthusiasm for anger towards her. Still, it was a ****ty thing to do. She could have at least mentioned it. On the other hand, it certainly leads me to the conclusion I'm shooting blanks.

I'm going to set up some sort of a to-do list, hopefully today. I may or may not post it into the journal. We'll see. It was interesting to see that Fade has returned to DA. People should not post goodbye messages if they wish to leave, they should simply leave.

Friday, October 24, 2003 6:58 AM

Yesterday was not as bad as Wednesday, but nowhere near as good as I had hoped. I really need to keep my focus better (no ****, that's what I whine about all the time now). I know that. The questions comes (and comes and comes and comes) to how on earth do I get where I would like to go? I am very reluctant to go the "month of silence" routine, so I'm going to work out a suitable punishment of some sort. I think I shall start with…what? I don't know. I need to think about this, and come up with a solution, fast. Denying myself use of the computer at home is silly. It may just be that I need to accustom myself to putting my nose to the grindstone and working hard. And, again, how on earth do I do that? I'm flummoxed. And frustrated.

This weekend I plan on doing a lot around the house. We shall see if I hold myself to this promise, but I've bought all the stuff I need (I think) to do what I need to do.

Have been doing a good job of keeping up with both the diet and with exercising when I'm supposed to. That's a bright spot in my life at the moment, and I feel a bit proud about the whole thing. Not much else to add for today, so that'll do it. I just don't have much interest in going into the boring details of what I did after work, where I drove, that sort of thing. I may start making multiple entries in this, as I do in the random thoughts file. My one concern there is that I'll make this that much harder to follow.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 7:29 PM

Regrettably today was a huge let down compared to yesterday. The server was still down when I went into work this morning. This seemed to completely knock me out of my game for the rest of the day. Not trying to make any excuses, simply stating the depressing truth. The server was fully up and running by 2:00, but I spent the whole afternoon screwing around on the internet. Ouch. Exactly what I said I did not wish to do. Exactly what I did do. Sucks to be me, my self-destructive demons came out to play. God only knows what I put on my timesheet, because I don't have a clue. Maybe I'll go into work on Saturday and try to make up for some of this lost time. I'm not sure if that's feasible, but I'll have to consider it. Beyond that, I'd rather not dwell any longer on the train wreck that was my workday today.

I don't think I need to do 15 minutes today, as I simply have very little else to say. I have gotten a bit more disciplined with my nighttime tasks, so let's end on a positive note.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003 7:38 PM

What a difference a day makes. Had quite a good day, perhaps an exceptional one. Went to work early, as they were going to be shutting down the server, and replacing it. Worked, and for once worked hard, until about 11:30. I think I note in my random thoughts that the task accomplishment was perhaps not where I'd like it to be, but that's not the main point. I was putting for a solid and committed effort. I was not wasting time. For me, that counts almost as a breakthrough.

The highlight of the day came after I left work. The dog and I went for a run at the state park near my house. Did about an hour on the trails, okay and while it may have been more jog than run, I did run for over an hour continuously, on some pretty tough terrain. The weather was also spectacular. It had rained in the morning, but all that had blown out by noon. The sun was shining, the trees were a spectacular series of reds and golds, even the fallen leaves on the trails had not turned the rotten brown they will in a few weeks. It was like jogging through a kaliedoscope. An amazing experience. My dog didn't seem that impressed. Of course, since dogs are color blind I guess it wouldn't be the same. Anyway, its the hours you can seize like this that keep you from slitting your throat. At least for me. Too bad they all can't be this way, but that's just how it goes.

Afterwards went to Lowe's and Target. I despise Lowe's and Home Depot, but for some stuff you're just stuck going there. Took me forever to find what I needed, as is usually the case. Even got snapped at by a member of the sales staff. Having read Eherenreich's book, though, I'll never give a Walmart, etc. employee any garbage from now on. Even clothes shopping at Target can't undermine my mood. I've lost so much weight in the past few months that my clothing is starting to look silly. Even if it is only going from obese to fat. Bought three pairs of pants for work. Bought them a bit tight, perhaps in a burst of optimism that more weight is going to come off.

Must finish Diamond's Guns, Germs and Steel tonight, so I can bring it back to the library tomorrow. That is going to be a tough one to review, as I feel utterly clueless on the topic. Was able to get Franken's book from the library, which was a bit surprising. That's next.

It is such a rare occurrence, that I must end today's entry with two declarative statements. I am happy. I am in a good mood. (Pigs must be flying.)

Monday, October 20, 2003 10:18 PM

Not a good day today. In fact, I would have to mark it down as one of the more unproductive while at work. What is wrong with me? Why do I continue to hurt myself in this fashion, when I know that what I am doing is absolutely wrong? I'm not really sure what I can add to this, or say anything that I haven't already gone on and on and on about. Well, one thing only. It may be time to simply admit that I cannot participate on internet message boards, and leave them -- all of them -- for good. I certainly don't want to go that route, but I am just not keeping focused during work when I permit myself into them. I guess in some ways I'm just no damn good.

Beyond that, my use of time at home is also awful. I came home from not working at work and did manage to lift and do laundry. Did nothing else of note. Finished watching a truly execrable History Channel series on military blunders during WW2. Nowhere near on the level of the British World at War series. Not even close, and that was done in the 1970s. I really don't have much else to say for myself today, only that I am deeply disappointed in my own behavior. Nothing new about that.

As I've noted, if this whole journal exercise starts to get stale I'm going to dump it. Well, guess what, it is. The problem, however, is that I'm finding it stale because I'm not reforming myself through it, simply whining the same tune over and over. Perhaps an element of shooting the messenger bearing bad news? I think I should continue to stick with it, as proof that I can actually grit my teeth and accomplish something, anything, unpleasant. Makes sense.

I made a goal to read up on some technical issues at work that I should know about, but do not. I'll have to try to revisit this at some point. Not sure how. I am particularly interested in the theory behind shareholder basis in S corporations, as I'm seeing a lot of it, and get no support at work from anyone.

Sunday, November 02, 2003 9:17 AM

Making this entry now, as I must soon begin getting ready for our flight to Florida. Whoop de doo. I cannot convey how much I detest travelling. I guess if I thought I was on my way to see something truly different I might have a different attitude, but everything seems so utterly homogenous nowadays, the point fails me. We'll be gone until Friday. It will be nice to see the various relatives down there, that's about all I'm looking forward to. Not really much to say since last night. Read a novel, went to bed early, got up, lifted weights, went for a run and here I am.

Have made a list of what I am trying to bring. I find it just about impossible to bring the right amount of luggage. I usually either forget something very important, or bring so much crap half it never gets worn or read. Will see if a list makes the matter any more or less ridiculous. I have my doubts. One thing I am probably brining too much of is reading material. Screw it. I bought this trash fiction at a used book store, and I'm bringing it all. At $.50 a novel I'll just toss them as I finish them. I am also going to try to keep up with the journal, using gasp! paper and pencil. If it gets too tedious, I shall stop for the duration. I have the world's worst handwriting, and possibly the slowest. I'm very glad I live in the time I do, at least for that. I can probably type five words in the time it takes me to hand write one. And, it's quite possible I wouldn't recognize the word five minutes later.

Have not done my daily fifteen minutes, but I honestly have nothing else to say. Guess I'll leave it at this.


Saturday, November 01, 2003 4:13 PM

I am a complete slug. I'd rather sit around doing nothing, than do the things I am supposed to do. I do the bare minimum around this house, and it sure looks like it. Too bad I can't wave a magic wand and have everything nice and tidy, just the way I like it. As long as it involves no work or effort on my part. Yep, I think that's a fair summary.

Okay, moving right along. I have done surprisingly well with my no internet message boards from work resolution. Probably at the end of 30 days I shall make it a permanent ban, it has turned out that well. I just can't mix the two any longer. Too bad, too bad, but that's all there is to it. Well, I have 25 days to go before announcing that. But, I think it is a foregone conclusion. Referencing the above paragraph: I think I have changed a great deal in the past six months. The reason why I'm not having much trouble with message boards is not that they've changed in any way, it is that I have. Somewhere or other I've gotten dissatisfied with what I read there. It is not that I find the "average" participant stupid or even tedious, it is simply that I'm tired of everyone bringing an advocacy position to everything they post, spinning ending rubbish where they should simply admit that certain facts do not fit their theory. It's turning me off to the whole medium. And, in candor, I must admit that I'm not as guilty as anyone else, only because on a great many issues I am uncertain what to believe.

Took the dog to the kennel today. Poor little guy did not want to go. Well, he ain't going to Florida with us tomorrow, so that's that. He'll be fine, if a bit sulky when we pick him up next week. Went for a run this AM, intending it to be a short one. However, it worked out to be as long as the others. I think I'm simply tired, and I blame the hypothyroidism. I don't recover from prior workouts as quickly as I used to, and that's all there is to it. Age is a factor as well, but I think my haywire thyroid is not done with its little tricks yet. Well, like I've said in the past, it beats something like diabetes.

I think I have now officially "stalled" on the Atkins diet. This is largely due to my own slacking off. But, I'm starting to wonder how far this diet by itself can take you. I've dropped 25+ pounds to this point, but was figuring on losing 30 more. After vacation I'm going to get back on the wagon full force, not the half assed way I'm doing it now.


Friday, October 31, 2003 5:41 PM

Went to the park again this AM. Love it, love it. Unfortunately must set my vigil for candy giving, so I cannot give this the whole fifteen minutes. More like five.

Annoyed and depressed that I can't figure out the dog poop problem in the yard. I know someone is going to step in it, even though I "know" no such thing. Hopefully, by stepping in it myself, I can avoid the problem of anyone else stepping in it. Which I did.

I kind of don't like halloween in this house. We're just not set up for it. Well, I think I've done the minimum, so maybe I'll do a further entry later, maybe not.


Thursday, October 30, 2003 7:45 AM

Day 3 of the no internet while at work rule has begun. This will be the first day I haven't had time to fart around on message boards at home before going to work, either. So, we shall see what we shall see as far as how today goes. Did not impress myself with my productivity while at work, either. Well, at least I can honestly say I was plugging away, if not dazzling anyone with my productivity.

Went for a run at the park this morning. Boy, does the dog love going there, as opposed to jogging on the street leashed. He really gets a kick out of chasing the chipmunks and squirrels, and seems not to miss a single muddy spot. He's always filthy when we finish. Today was no exception. Nice to be able to get back to the routine of going there, thanks to the end of daylight savings time.

Got kind of upset at the wife yesterday. Money has always been a huge issue in our marriage. She is, candidly, a spendthrift. She wanted to go eat at Ruth Chris' Steak House last night! Two meals would typically run $100! No special occasion, she said she wanted a "good steak." I put my foot down, and we went to the 99. Just mentioning this, as I think it is going to become a bigger issue if I ever get my act together and start trying to look over our finances. Which I suspect are close to being a disaster. Both of our faults, I cannot disclaim responsibility. But, I think getting them in order is going to be world war III.

We are on vacation next week. I may go back into work tonight, after coming home to take care of the dog. Would be kind of cool to have a cleared out in-box. Doubt I'll be able to do it, but I'm thinking I shall give it a try. Not really interested in Theroux's book, Dark Star Safari, that I’m plugging through at the moment. Thought it would be quite interesting, but his voice or whatever you call it, gets rather distracting.

Tomorrow the plan will be to lift and run both in the AM, and come home early for the kiddies trick or treating. Also need to do a poop pick up in the yard before then. You'd think a Shetland pony and not a 40 pound dog lived here.


Wednesday, October 29, 2003 5:55 AM

Yep, it seems I cannot mix work and message boards. Well, I've got twenty nine days to mull over this depressing reality, but I think I'm pretty much done with message boards while at work. I wonder what my failing is? I think it has something to do with an inability to truly multi-task, to handle multiple ideas and things that need doing at the same time. Depressing, and it only took me five or six years to finally acknowledge my failings. Well, like I said, no final decision yet.

And, yesterday was no paradigm of productivity, either. I wasn't staying focused, was playing trivial pursuit with minor and unimportant little tasks, rather than focusing on what was, and is, truly important. However, to my credit, I was at least doing work. Well, I'll try to do better today. I think I shall be able to pull it off. I have a lot to do.

All this rain is starting to get to me. I haven't been able to take the dog jogging for most of the past few days. Missed Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Went yesterday, but its pouring out today again. This really sucks. I may have to start just gritting my teeth and going, but god do I hate jogging in the rain, at least at any level above a light drizzle.

DA is starting to pale for me, to a certain extent. Yes, there are some extremely smart posters. However, the amount of posturing and intellectual dishonesty is becoming borderline ridiculous. More WWE than intellectual salon. What you've got is people not looking honestly for answers, but acting like advocates for their side or their position. This means disregarding evidence, or posting deliberately misleading portions of things, which, of course, advocate only their side. Eh, but what do I expect on a message board, any message board. Doubtless I'll snap out of this in a bit.


Tuesday, October 28, 2003 7:48 AM

Well, that was exiting. Just wasted an hour at DA. Forget it. The prior entry stands.


Tuesday, October 28, 2003 6:46 AM

Okay, here goes. I'm imposing the first penalty upon myself, for my behavior of yesterday. For the next thirty days I shall only go on the internet from work when I have absolutely no work, and I mean NONE, to do. Failure to keep this pledge will result in a 30 day period of total silence on message boards, both at home and at work. I realize this whole exercise is rather silly, but, then again, so is my behavior. Hopefully, two wrongs will make a right.

Monday, October 27, 2003 6:53 AM

Not a great deal to say about yesterday, so this entry will be short, if not quite sweet. Basically acted the slug, sitting around reading and watching TV. The weather was awful, as it started raining early in the AM. Jogging and lifting weights were both theoretically on the agenda; neither got done. Did not do any of the small tasks around the house I had set myself, did not do laundry. Yep, slug sounds about right.

So, why haven't I developed any of the grandiose plans I've been kicking around yet? Why haven't I started developing goals? Why am I content simply to coast along through life? Assuming no sort of medical or psychological difficulties are to blame, I guess the answer boils down simply to inertia. I had intended that to use this journal for that purpose, but it's not working. So…I think I'll start a separate file and a separate thread on DA relating to nothing but getting things done. Doubtless it will even be more embarrassing than this whole exercise, as I am truly pathetic at accomplishing things.

But, again, so what? I don't doubt a few people actually read this mess, and yes, if I knew any of them personally I'd be embarrassed as all get out with some of the things I'm revealing. But I don't. So, if I think it'll help, I'm gonna try it. If I get bored with it, I'm no worse off than I was before. And, it if helps, I'm that much further ahead. I'll try to start tonight after work.

Sunday, November 16, 2003 6:11 AM

Best workout I've had in a while! Who was that pro Wrestler that used to run around saying "Whoo!" all the time? Ric Flair? Well, that about covers it.

Whoo! :lol:

(1) Bench Press Barbell 3x15

Did it, did it all, unlike last time when I had to do 12 in the last set.

(2) Flye Curls Dumbells 3x15

Did it, did it all, unlike last time when I did 3x12

(3) Bent Over Row Barbell 3x20

Struggled a bit with this one, but I did it.
The dumb thing I can't remember is whether or not I did 3x25 or 3x20.
So, we err on the side of caution...3x20

(4) Shoulder Shrugs Dumbells 3x40

Blew threw this like nothing. AGAIN.

(5) Military Press Dumbell 3x12

Struggled a bit with my right arm. Still, better form than Thursday.

(6) Triceps Curls Dumbell- 3x25

25 reps per set is probably a bit much for me at this point.
Especially on my right arm. But, that's what I did, even if the third set wasn't the best form.

(7) Biceps Curls Dumbell- 3x10

Did it, did it right. Bit of a struggle with the third set, right arm.
But, I'll take it.

(8) Wrist Curls Barbell 3x25

Blew threw it like nothing. Even slowed down the motion for a better work out.

(9) Crunches N/A 4x100

This was a little tough, but I got through it.
What the heck, I doubled the number of crunches, and I don't feel that bad.
My form on this may not be the best. I am a bit paranoid about straining my back, so I don't raise my elbows all the way to my knees. Probably should check into this somewhere.

Run at park - 46:51

This was a surprise. A very pleasant one. I blew through this route, that used to take me over 50 minutes AFTER the weight session. Also, had to grab the dog in a few places so he wouldn't jump on hikers or chase mountain bikers.

Route: Went all the way to the back of the park, down the big hill. 38° when I left, 36° when I came back. I wore shorts & a light long sleeve pullover. My wife made faces at me as I walked out the door. What does she know? :p It worked wonderfully.

Pity I can't bottle today's workout for times when I struggle, or lack motivation.

Not much of interest to report about yesterday, nor much to be proud of. Spent a lot of time -- too much time! -- poking around various message boards. Had a very, very good exercise session in afternoon. Am tired from it, though, and today is theoretically my long run day. I'm heading out for that as soon as it is light enough. We'll see how I do on that. Went to see a play last night at our local community theater. George M!, sort of the life and times of George M. Cohan set to his own music. Not too shabby at all a performance for a community theater. A couple of the dance numbers could've been better, but overall both the song and dance numbers were quite good. The problem is this theater group has gotten so popular that it has gotten tough to get a good seat. Oh, well. I guess it beats having the group fold. That about sums up my day yesterday.

Now, onto the depressing subject of my laziness and personal disorganization. I stated yesterday I wanted to do a few things, and I most certainly did not do any of them. I did register an account at Fitday. However, having done so, I'm uncertain that I want to sit there and encode everything I'm eating. I'm just not put together to do that sort of thing. I should probably try it for a day or two, then abandon it if it proves to be too much of a pain in the ass. Plus, I've been less than scrupulous in following the diet. I ate a cookie last night, definitely not part of the Atkins diet. However, as long as I continue to drop the weight, I don't really see the need to freak out over a cheat here and there.

Set up the statements for the Schwab retirement account. Did not enter them, though. Too busy farting around on the web. Will try to do them today. Also should probably look over the exercise schedule. Inertia is tough to overcome, at least for a lazy slug like me.


Saturday, November 15, 2003 5:40 AM

I am certainly having difficulty filling my fifteen minutes in this daily journal! Not much of interest happened yesterday. Got up, jogged, went and had my blood drawn, went to work, failed to keep my stay-off-message-boards-during-work promise, came home watched a documentary on World War II (I fell asleep), screwed up my sleep patterns because I fell asleep, read for a bit, and here I am, after a night asleep. Therefore, perhaps I should use today's entry for nothing but some reflections, and some plans for the future.

First off, I think I need to become a bit more disciplined in how I am approaching this whole Atkins diet. Probably what I really need to do is to start to count carbs on a disciplined and complete basis. I do want to lose all this weight, and I continue to have a tough time doing so. So, I need to sit down and check out sites like fitday.com. I also need to re-read Atkins' book. Will try to work on that this weekend.

Second, I need to update the performance of my retirement plan, if I can. I have most of the old statements, so we shall see how well I can do here. I think (hope) this will be segue to discussing with DW our total financial picture. That's something I've needed to get a feel for, for a long time. I'm sure its pretty ugly, but there you have it.

Third, I need to plug the numerous holes in my professional knowledge. I need to make up a list of things I don't know how to do, have long forgotten, etc. That should be fun. I know I need to work on things like financial statement analysis, as I seem to have forgotten EVERYTHING in that area. Tax stuff isn't as bad, but given that's what I do for a living, I need to get a bit more technical. Will try to work on that today.

Fourth, I need to get back to using my Franklin Planner, and to work out a schedule of what I plan to do when for routine tasks around the house. This is not a burden that should fall completely on the shoulders of DW. The problem with the FP is that, as noted previously, my handwriting is so slow and so messy I get frustrated. Not much I can do about this , I think.

Well, I've gone over 15 minutes, so either I set up separate files for this, or I go drink some coffee.

Friday, November 14, 2003 6:38 AM

43:31 Jogging, 4 loops on cul-de-sac, per usual.

Very windy + had to stop and pick up gigantic pile of # 2s my dog left on a neighbor's lawn. Dog only weighs 38 pounds. God knows where he puts it all. :rolleyes:

Not nearly as sore from yesterday's lifting as I expected to be. Not sure if this is a good thing (do I recover quickly?) or a bad thing (am I dogging it in my workouts?).

That's it for today.

Crud, should've added the junk about using weights last night. Logged off, since I'm a poor dial up user. Going to keep it short today. I am fasting in order to have my blood drawn. Plan on being at the places -- yes I'm going to need it done twice at two different sites, aren't HMOs wonderful -- by 8:00 AM, which means I need to lay some tracks.

Fortunately, not much to record, and even that isn't particularly interesting. Sort of kept my nose to the grindstone at work yesterday. I was far better than I had been on Tuesday or Wednesday, in any event. Still, I'm not getting things done like I think I should be. Nothing new there. I guess I just need to keep on plugging.

Really haven't been reading much of anything of interest. Took out a Michael Moore book from the library. Incoherent babbling, but he may have a point on certain issues. Too bad he seems like such an idiot personally. I'm giving up a collection of Lovecraftian short stories. They just aren't very good. I can't get into them.

Set up clothing, lunch, etc. for work today. We'll see if that helps me get out the door any quicker. I think it will. I need to get together a task list of stuff that needs doing around here. I'd like to know where we stand financially, personally. Possibly a crude balance sheet? Revenue and expenses? We shall see what I can find out. Will try to do the Schwab account tonight. Plus, should probably look into investing the $4,000 in cash I'm sitting on in the account. Will mark that down in planner immediately.

Speaking of planner, am not doing a good job with it. Need to do better in that area, as well. Done for day.

Thursday, November 13, 2003 6:59 AM

43:02 jog this morning. Drizzling, dark but surprisingly warm. Listened to some hideous disco on the walkman, as today would not be a trail running day.

Not enough time to do weights. Hopefully will get that in tonight. No, not hopefully. I WILL get it in tonight.

Okay, the above was today's gym log entry. Don't really have time to do 15 miniutesthis AM, but we shall see. Yesterday was a complete disaster. Can't find anything good or worthwhile about my conduct at work. Must realize that I can no longer renege on the promise to stay off message boards while at work. Get up, walk around, do whatever. BUT, I gotta stay off those message boards. And, yes, the operative word will be "forever" while at work. I reserve the right to review this, but, eh. It doesn't look like I'm going to be running out of work anytime soon.

Went to the Doctor's yesterday. Kind of an odd visit, first time seeing this endocrinologist. He kind of pooh-poohed my hypothyroidism, but that may have been a result of me not communicating correctly when I went on the medication, that sort of thing. Seemed like a nice man. Also, he wasn't that concerned about any of the other glandular functions failing, at least at the moment. Except of course for my low testosterone levels.

Felt absolutely awful last night. Came home, fried up two brats, ate some Atkins approved pudding, and went to bed shortly after my wife got home. Have been reading some trash fiction lately, this one short stories set in the Lovecraftian mythos. However, was dead to the world by 9:30 last night. Feel much better this AM. See gym log for details. Gonna end this early today.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003 5:49 AM

So much for proclamations while at work. I blew it again, despite the pledge made yesterday. Not good. However, it is the right idea, and henceforth I shall continue to move in that direction. Not sure if I should beat myself up over it, or ignore it and continue on. Well, I'm categorically an eff up. But, I've known that for a long, long time.

Moving right along, I have not yet set up the gym log at lowcarber.org, but I am going to be doing so this morning, right after I type up this entry. Hopefully, I'll have the discipline to keep it up. I do have a fundamental disagreement with things like BFL, the way the programs are so utterly sterile. However, I can't say that they wouldn't work for others, merely that they probably would not work for me.

I'm going to re-read Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution. I have had a serious fall off in my participation in the diet, i.e., I've blown it. But, even beyond that, I'm not so sure I've been doing the diet right all along. Too bad, because it is dreadfully uninteresting prose, even if the diet does work as advertised. I doubt I'll ever see 160 again, the weight I'm attempting to reach. But, that's what we're aiming for.

Started watching Dark Blue or DeepBlue or some silly Kurt Russell cop vehicle movie last night. DW disliked it so much we stopped it fifteen minutes into it, and switched to The Pianist. Quite good, even if the director is a rapist/child molester. I guess I'm some sort of silly "lemming," believing that the "Holohoax" happened pretty much as advertised. I do like NetFlix.

Have a Dr.'s appointment today. Forgot to tell them at work, my bad. Oh, well, I'm still going. This business of various glandular systems failing is turning into a real drag. Hopefully the news today will be all good. Not sure what I can do about these medical problems. But, as I keep saying to myself, there are a lot worse things that can happen to you besides hypothyroidism.


Tuesday, November 11, 2003 5:46 AM

Ouch. That last entry took me 15 minutes to make, and six or seven to type. Obviously, my handwriting and touch typing skills leave a great deal to be desired. Beyond that, I suppose I should welcome myself back to journal keeping. That entry below was the only one I made while on vacation. This includes after our return on Friday, for which I can offer no excuse. Well, I never had a doubt that I wouldn't be keeping this thing daily. Just too bad that I went so long without an entry.

Vacation was nice. Saw my wife's aunt, her husband, toured St. Augustine, went to a state park where they keep manatees, went to Cocoa Beach and saw my relatives, did the beach thing. All in all a decent time. Absolutely blew my diet. Not just a bit, but completely. Haven't had the courage to step on a scale since. But, will be doing so when I return from my AM run. Already dreading this. Well, it will doubtless give me motivation to climb back upon the Atkins bandwagon.

Yesterday at work was a bad day. I fell completely back into my old bad habits. I hereby announce a total ban on message board use while at work. It is now in effect, and runs, well, forever. Or, until I legitimately run out of work. We shall see which happens first. Since I seem to be keeping busier than I expected, we shall also see if this issue ever arises. Will note this announcement in the random thoughts file.

Have also decided to start a gym log at lowcarber.org. since they make the option available, may as well do it. Hopefully this will help keep me on track. They seem like a nice bunch there. We'll see how that goes. I shall probably c&p any entries I make there back into this. We shall see how that goes. I shall also make an entry in the "Confession Booth" detailing my failures of late. Probably won't do either until this evening. I shall also make my first post in the gym log a listing of what I intend my workouts to be, and to also provide a link back to this, my on-line journal. I am NOT going to set up a journal over there. This is more than sufficient, to put it mildly.

I have several books I need to enter. Two were trash fiction, one a decent study of the Roman Empire. Will do that now.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 5:38 AM

Entry handwritten while on vacation, 11/3/03, Monday, 6:20 AM

Safely arrived in sunny FL. Except that it was dark when we got here. Seems like a nice state so far, at least from the interstates. Have forgotten how much I had hand writing anything. God, do I suck at it. Sometimes I think I would have done better alive at an earlier time, until I remember how it would suck to be a lefty in pre computer times. My hand already hurts, even after this short bit of writing. Not that my fingers fly around the keyboard normally, but its certainly faster than this! Also, my handwriting has always looked to my own eyes like someone seriously mentally ill. May I never need to prepare a holographic will!

I am not jogging this today. My legs feel like rubber, my left knee is sore. I've covered my weaknesses enough in this. However, I think I've had to not go more than four days of jogging in a row. I need rho (?) as I age. Plus, the hypothyroidism is also a problem. I thin it weakens me. Well, I go tomorrow, weather permitting.

Sunday, November 23, 2003 10:05 AM

I'm spending too much time on-line, I think. Not sure what I need to do, but I'll ponder this for a day or two and post some sort of response. I'm clearly being bad while at work, and must do better there, but even at home I'm spending too much time at various forums. This morning has been a case in point. Im not going to let that creature Corporate Avenger have the last word on the Atkins thread. As best I can tell, Corporate Avenger has NEVER made a post of substance. He/she/it simply baits, insults, and engages in ad hominem. Why they don't get banned is a mystery to me. But, it hasn't been banned, isn't likely to be banned, and there you have it. If it comes back with something of substance (which would be a miracle), well we'll see. I am confident I have enough ammo on my side to show the diet to be neutral, at least.

Oops, that was a bit of a diversion. I guess there's no such thing as fairness on message boards. Certain posters get a pass, others get hammered. I know this, and shouldn't expect DA to be one jot different. Corporate Avenger is a pet of the Admins, and gets away with whatever it wants. If I sank to its level I'd be shown the door posthaste. All animals are created equal, its just that some animals are more equal than others.

The heck with it. Time to go eat some animal products.

Oh, wait. Had a very nice dinner last night, at a place called Coyote Blue. Not really into to Tex-Mex, but this was okay. Went for a run this morning. And, here I am.

Saturday, November 22, 2003 5:44 PM

Missed Friday's entry, and just about missed today's. I'm not too troubled, as there really isn't much to report. I've hit a bad patch at work with my level of productivity, and I've analyzed to death the reason for it. On a nice, quiet Saturday night I'd rather spend my time doing something else. So, screw it. I'm not going to bother.

Went for a run in the cul de sac yesterday AM, went for another one this afternoon. Although, at the pace I'm going "run" may not be the correct term. Am not following my exercise schedule in full, as I am not lifting weights today. Will do so tomorrow, which makes it mandatory on Tuesday. Also, meant to play around with the fitday site today, but didn't have time. We went shopping, drove all over the goddamn place today. Bought the update for my Franklin Planner, and a new watch.

That about covers it. I'm kicking around leaving Fade's board, and just sticking with DA. I'm getting a bit tired of non-stop Jew-bashing. I kind of lost my cool over a photochop Zvaci did. I announced that I have his picture (which I do) and where I got it from, Scabies.net. Doubtless they'll ban my ass now, if they ever figure out who I am over there. Should take them all of two seconds, if they're looking. But, I'm not going to make their jobs any easier. Eh, nothing else for tonight.




Thursday, November 20, 2003 6:36 AM

DW made it back safe and sound from Orange County. Her flight got delayed, she spent virtually all of yesterday in the air. She wanted pizza after we came back. So, we tried to find a pizza place that was open. A place on E. Ctr street in Manchester was closed. A place by formerly Ames was closed. Finally, we went to Pizzaria Uno. And, yes, we ate pizza. I ate far more than she did. I even drank a glass of beer. I'd have to say this represents my most serious backslide since I started the Atkins diet. Crap. Which, come to think of it, is how I feel this morning. Actually, this isn't my first serious cheat. I ate a bunch of cookies on Tuesday. And, didn't record this in my journal. Bad me.

I'm actually going to try to keep a food journal as well as an exercise one. It starts today. As soon as I'm done with this I announce I'm closing the lowcarber journal, and then moving everything over here. I'll set up a new thread, and get going. Will probably have a new thread for every quarter, and will post everything up once a week. Since no one reads this crap I'm writing, I'm just doing as I like.

I'm also going to place myself on restriction from message boards while at work. No one has said anything, but I'd just rather not get into trouble. The older I get, the less interested in confrontation I become. I'm not sure how I want to work this yet. Let's do today as a total ban, and see how we feel tomorrow. I do know I want to become a man with at least a rudimentary sense of honor. Not giving my employer the best of my abilities is clearly dishonorable. If I am going to take his money, then I owe it to him to be as conscientious as possible. I also need to spend a few minutes each morning in my Franklin Planner. Either that, or get rid of it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 5:30 AM

Will not be doing 15 minutes today, either. Was pretty good at work yesterday, but was far from perfect. I think I'm just going to have to keep a close watch on myself with this. Much more than what I did yesterday, and I'll have to cut back or cut out. Not sure why Partner # 1 is no longer checking returns. Fellow employee and I had a tough time with an interpretation issue that neither of us felt we could decide on. Both of us spent a lot of time researching stuff and discussing it. Partner # 1 then told us to blow it off. Took dog to doggie day care yesterday. Meant kind of a long drive each way, but he does so like to play with other dogs. Put me behind schedule on weight lifting, which I still did, but was tired and ragged going through it. Tried to finish watching The Architecture of Doom, but fell asleep again. Finished Body for Life, reviewed this AM. Will try to go for jog at park, once it lightens up enough. I think weekday visits to park are just about done until Spring, though. Too bad, but its just too dark in the morning now, need to wait too long, getting ready for work, etc. Oh, well.

Now as far as my onward and upward beliefs, not really sure what I can do at this point. I need to do some reading on financial statement analysis, I still have not sat down and done up my weekly task list of repetitive tasks. I guess I've got a mental block in that area? Well, I should just grit my teeth and do it. Still, the inertia I'm facing is just way too powerful to overcome easily.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 5:47 AM

Will not be doing 15 minutes today. Am a bit rushed for time, and have very little to say. Not that that usually stops me, but I need to get moving this AM. So-so day at work yesterday. Got some things done, but not nearly as much as I would have hoped. Also, spent some time on-line at various websites. Have been much more of a lurker than poster lately. Not sure why, I guess its just one of those things. Still, I shouldn't be doing it from work! I know that, and I keep doing it! What is this, like being a smoker? Well, I've been round and round about this too often to say anything more about it today.

Wife is in California until tomorrow, as I noted yesterday. Was grocery shopping when she called to let me know she arrived okay. Damn. I miss her already. Wish I'd got to speak to her. Fell asleep last night about 8:30. Woke up at 9:45 and went to bed. I felt awfully tired. 'course I woke up at 4:10 this morning. Which worked fine, actually, as I went for a jog and am going to be taking the dog to doggie day care today. That's about it.


Monday, November 17, 2003 7:15 AM

Weighed myself this AM. Down to 193. Good for me. Next stop, below 190. Assuming my goal of 165 is reasonable, I've still got a mighty long row to hoe. Although, I've hardly been the most scrupulous follower of the Atkins diet out there. I'm starting to think a lot of my problems resulted from my hypothyroidism, and now that that's under control, hopefully things will go smoothly. Or, at least more smoothly than they do for a lot of the folks at lowcarber.org. Well, we shall see. One thing I've decided I'm far too lazy to ever do: track my daily food intake. I set up an account at fitday, but eh, I'm just not that into it. Maybe will start doing so at some point. Dunno, though, probably discuss this with DW. Had a series of cheats this weekend, mostly centering around cookies bought by DW at a Christmas fair. I guess I should be happy to be down 3 pounds from last week after all that.

DW is off to Orange County, CA today. Will be taking her to the airport right after I finish this. She flies back on Wednesday. Doesn't seem very productive to me, to go across the country one day, and then all the way back two days later, but that's just me. So, I'll be on my own tonight and tomorrow.

Did not have a very productive day yesterday. Managed to finish entering my retirement account information, which shows a total unrealized loss of around $400 since inception. LOL. Well, I've got $4,000 in cash I'm sitting on inside the plan, and since the whole thing is self-directed will need to figure out where I want to put my money. Probably buy more of the bond fund, but also kind of looking to take a flyer at a stock. The question there becomes WHICH stock. One thing I've been kicking around is possibly a REIT. Will have to spend some more time on this. It may not be a lot of money, but it is to me.

Sunday, November 30, 2003 11:09 AM

Crap. Spent too much time pottering around on-line this morning. Today is the day we put up the X-mas decorations. What fun. I'll start on that as soon as I post this to the journal. Not much exciting happened last night. Read, fell asleep in my chair and went to bed. Got up this AM and went for a long run, well long for me anyway, of over an hour. DW made a good nice breakfast. I ate too much. God knows what the scale will show tomorrow. Hopefully it'll remain flat. But, we shall see. I definitely need to do a better job of staying with the program.

I think I'm going to call it a day as of now. Need to get going on doing the decorating thing. Perhaps I'll make another entry later. We shall see.

Saturday, November 29, 2003 5:51 PM

Didn't realize I missed both Thursday and Friday. So, sue me. Not much of interest happened either day. Went to visit my sister-in-law and family on Thanksgiving, followed by stop at my parents. Nice seeing everybody. Pity that time always seems so fleeting when you're visiting with them. My dad was sober (relatively) which is always a good thing. Too bad he couldn't have found something interesting to do in retirement. He fills the hole in his life with booze. Well, that's how it goes. I guess there's nothing I can do about that. Ate a lot, but was a bit more restrained than usual. Another Thanksgiving bit the dust.

Friday, like an idiot, I got up and attempted to snag some bargains shopping. LOL, what an idiot. Well, I did pick up two 50 lb. hex dumbbells for $34.00, a mere $.17 a pound. Can't fault that. In fact, I got the last two. At 5:35 AM. Maybe they had more stocked in back? Bought a bunch of CDs at Circuit City for $9.99 apiece. Bought a new weight bench at K-Mart, with 100 lbs of weight. Put it together over a few hours on Friday. Jury's still out on well I'm going to like it. We'll see. Went for a run, then used the bench for the first time.

Took dog to play group on Saturday. Was cancelled. However, went to the house of one of the guy's who does it. He lives on 11 acres, has a pond on his property. Yes, I'm frickin' jealous. Dog loved it. Went swimming in 35 degree weather. God knows how cold the water was. Came home, took a nap. Didn't go for run today. I think I'm going to be sticking to 5 days a week. 6 days is too much. Unless dog needs exercise.

Sometimes I think my short-term memory is starting to fail me. I just finished a book (see reviews for qtr 4), reviewed it, and yet, I'm getting the sinking feeling that its already fading from view. I hope everything is okay upstairs. At least in the memory department. Am going to attempt to read ALL of Will Durant's [I]Story of Civilization[I]. All 10 or 11 volumes, each one running ~ 1000 pages or so. We'll see how long I can keep that up. Its also going to relegate my book reviews to the back pages of things for a while.

I think I'm going to dump using Fitday. I'm just not tracking things well enough. Either that, or I'll start again on Monday. Maybe I'll try that.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003 9:19 AM

Well, here I am at work. With absolutely nothing to do. Creepy, that’s what it is. Well, I’ve set my schedule up so that I’ll be reading most of the day. I could actually go through and organize some files, but why bother? I’ d rather just hang out. Perhaps I shall work on one of the essays I’ve been meaning to start, or perhaps I’ll simply spend the day pissing away hours on the Internet. We shall see what I decide to do. God, but does this get boring after a while. Well, we shall make the most of it. Actually, my eyes start hurting after many continuous hours staring at a computer screen. Don’ t really have this problems with books, even after many, many hours.

My sleep patterns are becoming increasingly odd. Not really erratic, which is what I first thought of typing. I’m falling asleep between 9 and 10 each night, and then I wake up at some ungodly hour, like around 4 AM. I’m kind of blaming the medicine for this, since it didn’t start until after I reached therapeutic level. In one way I kind of like it, because I can get out and jog with no hassles. Nobody out on the cul-de-sac at 4:30 AM. In another I don’t, since it seems to cut down on the amount of time I can spend with DW. However, I’ve also never heard of this being discussed as a symptom or side effect of the hypothyroid medicine I am on. It may just be me.

Maybe I can work out the task list of things I’d like to accomplish over the next year or so sometime today. I keep meaning to do this, but keep putting it off. I know I’m the laziest human being on the planet, so we’ll see whether or not I have the gumption to actually attempt something like that.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003 6:54 AM

Did not have a productive day at all, yesterday. Spent most of my time at work farting around on the internet, and not particularly productive farting, either. Am going to spend most of the day at work reading.


Tuesday, November 25, 2003 7:06 AM

Will not be spending 15 minutes today. Realized I was over top in my response to Corporate Avenger, and apologized. However, the posters on that thread are so breath-takingly dogmatic about diet its obviously a waste of my time to say any more. I've made my point that the PCRM engage in pseudoscience, and have not had on shred of evidence posted to rebut this claim. I could never go through life with blinders on the way Corporate Avenger does, but there you have it.

Work is completely dead. Spent most of the day reading or on-line. Some work came in late in the day, so I'll busy for an hour or so today. After that, it'll be just like yesterday. But, this time I'm prepared. I'm going to schedule my down time and I'm going to bring in a bunch of books. I'll be productive, if not in a work sense. The partners know what's going on, so I don't feel the slightest bit of guilt. I'm positive things will pick up next week, so these couple of days are a nice break. Tomorrow is a bit uncertain. It may pick up, it may not. We shall see.

Did not update my fitday this morning. Need to start journalizing what I eat in the fitday book. Either that, or acknowledge that it is already becoming a pain in the ass. Nah, I do want to give it a legitimate shot. So, we'll see how it goes. I certainly am nowhere near where I want to be weight loss wise.

Monday, November 24, 2003 6:53 AM

Well, spent some time plodding around fitday.com. Not a bad little site. I think I'll at least give it a shot. I'm not going to get too finicky about the way the portions are measured out. Simple and fast is best. Already entered this morning's breakfast, although I just realized I need to make an addition to it. Let's see how easy or difficult that will be. Eh, went okay. Life would be easier if I were a rich man who could afford a DSL connection, though, wouldn't it? I'll try to keep the fitday up until it starts being a pain in the ass.

Had kind of a rough weight session last night. Got through it, but I was fatigued from the long run (for me, anyway) I did in the afternoon. At least I think that's what the problem was. Well, to look on the positive side, at least I got through it. Okay, so I'm using pathetically light weights. Hopefully I can start to push that up, just not as quickly as I might think of otherwise.

Not much interest occurred yesterday. Have not yet begun work on some of the extraneous tasks I've set myself. Will try to do that this week. Probably will do so by setting up separate threads in the journal and taking it from there.

Monday, December 01, 2003 5:33 AM

I finally figured out how to re-write this stupid date time macro. Took me a long time, as I am a computer idiot. Anyway, from now on time will march forward on these journal entries, not backwards, as they used to do each week. Each date/time entry will now also be in bold. Whatever. I do like the way I'm keeping the total entries on each thread down, even if the average entry is quite a bit longer. Hopefully the vast public that waits for each entry with bated breath will be pleased by the change.

I think I'm going to be giving up Fade's board for a bit. The racism doesn't bother me, the Nazism doesn't bother me, but all the childish insults flying back and forth sure do. Too bad, because done right the board could have been spectacular. Still may turn out to be, but in the short-term it just doesn't seem to be worth my time. I guess by default this means my participation at DA and TMF is likely to increase. Or, if I have any common sense at all, I shall spend my time doing things that really matter. Like trying to stay on top of the idiocy that is my profession. What demon prompted me to be a CPA anyway? Well, its too late to change. And, it beats digging ditches.

Missed my first weight workout for quite a while, or at least the first one where I didn't have a legitimate excuse. I shall have to climb back on the wagon tomorrow. I'm also going to delete my fitday from my profile at lowcarber.org. At least until such time as I actually start using it again. I'll need DW's help to keep track of carbs. Just can't do it on my own.

A friend of my wife's called yesterday. Her husband has gotten laid off. He wasn't trained as an IT professional, but had been doing work in that area for some time. They decided to outsource the function. And, wham, out the door they shoved him. Ugh. Seems he's gotten some decent severance, though. And for the moment is keeping a positive attitude. They may need to relocate, assuming he can find a job in his real field, graphic arts. President Bush should really be careful if he wants to be re-elected. Enough layoffs and the Dems sweep into office. I can see that happening easily.

The trauma known as decorating for Christmas is now done. What a lazy sod I am. We put nothing on the outside of the house, but it still left me drained by the end of it. The dog is being a pain in the ass about sticking his nose all over the ornaments. Overall, looks good, though. Even if the artificial tree has just about had it. Its looking pretty haggard.

Thursday, December 18, 2003 10:37 PM

Wow. 17 days since the last entry. I wish I could give a coherent reason why. I cannot. I have been failing on the diet, failing while at work, and generally failing with life as a whole. I need to turn my face from the way I've been behaving, and move onto something else. I need to do better. I know this, I've known this pretty much forever. Yet, I fail and fail and fail, and continue to fail. Perhaps that's why I've made no entry? I wish to close my eyes to my personal behavior, since it seems hopeless.

Well, **** that. **** the above. There I go again, engaging in senseless melodrama. Making my problems seem overwhelming when they are no such thing. So I goofed up on the diet. I won't be the first person to have done something like that, and doubtless I shall not be the last. Yes, I have been abusing the internet at work. Yes, I could get in trouble for it. But, I don't think my work has seriously suffered. This does not excuse my behavior, but it also does not make me some sort of walking paradigm of evil, either.

I am the sort of person whose virtues and vices never rise above the banal, or at best, the pedantic. I know this. So I should knock off any pretense that I am now or ever shall be any different or better. I've made mistakes. I have not behaved in a way that makes me proud. Well, that's part of the reason for this journal. It gives me a chance to go on about my banal life and banal problems, and an opportunity to correct what I think are my errors.

I will get back into the exercising thing. I will start being a good doobie at work, or at any rate not waste time like I have been. And, come to think of it, the true wasting of time really only began a day or two ago. I was in the midst of my usual December slowdown for a few weeks. I think that bogged me down, and kind of seeped into other areas of my life. So, now I pick myself up and get with the program again.

More tomorrow morning. One of the original purposes of this journal was to help me get organized, and to give me feedback on how I'm doing. Well, tonight I made my lunch, laid out my clothing, set up the coffee maker. Tomorrow AM will update the day planner, go for a jog and get my ass out the door pronto. Will discuss more tomorrow AM.

Friday, December 19, 2003 6:57 AM

I guess the fires have cooled a bit from my self-disgust fest of last night, but I can't say that anything I wrote was particularly over the top. It was pretty close to a fair assessment. Well, now what? first I'm going to start a separate thread outside this journal specifically dedicated to getting organized. And, if I let it drop, well it just goes into oblivion. I think something like that will be helpful. I'll start it today.

I know I have a big issue with internet use while at work. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get past this, nor do I think its realistic to try to quit. So, what to do? First, I need to acknowledge that, yes, there is a problem. Okay, I do so. Second, I need to plan. To sit down and plan things out. What the hell is it that I want? As the cliché goes, you may be able to do anything, but there's no way you can do everything. To get through this life circa 2003 CE you need to be selective about what you try to do, and with whom you wish to associate. Otherwise you're overwhelmed. Of course, those whom you with to associate may have no desire in associating with you, but that's a whole other issue. And not one I'm going to be addressing at present.

So, "What's it going to be then, eh?," as Alex in a A Clockwork Orange said. In some ways I'm ****ed if I know, to put it crudely. I know what I dislike about myself and wish to change. However, I do not know precisely what I want in a positive way. I dislike where I am, but have no clue precisely where it is I wish to go. I've got some heavy duty thinking ahead of me. And, I'm agnostic on how successful I shall be.

Saturday, December 20, 2003 6:59 AM

Dearly wish I could say that I lived up to my expectations for yesterday. Did not do so, did not come close to doing so. Had to leave work early to be here first for a guy cleaning the boiler, then for a guy to look at our wonky cable TV. Both are now in working order, or seem better than before. Did not go back to work, even though both were gone by 4:00. Did spend more time than I should have on-line. Not good. Probably will not go into work today, but will go tomorrow and mark the timesheet as though it was Saturday. Need to get my 40 hours in, and have no more time off to give.

Am in a fair amount of pain with my Achilles tendon. Walking with a limp, even. No jogging today, therefore, probably none tomorrow as well. I wonder if my shoes need replacing? I don't remember exactly when I bought this pair, possibly the cushioning has compressed, due to how overweight I am. Its been sore off and on when I wake. Usually gets better during the course of the day, then hurts again at night. Sucks, although this is the first repetitive type injury I've had for years. I exclude straining my ankles, as that resulted from running on trails.

Need to get a haircut today. As dear ol' Dad says, my hair is like straw in a mudcart. Its not even particularly long, just grown in very thick, the way it usually does.

Finished volume 1 of Will Durant's survey of history. Will have to go pick up volume 2 today. Plus, I think I need to renew the book on tape I'm going through. Should really return all the manchester books, as there is zero probability I shall read any of them.

May take the wife's idea about cleaning up all the crap around the computer, trying to organize it. Resisted the idea at first, but am starting to see the sense of it. We'll see how I feel this afternoon, if I do decide to try to organize all this crap. The idea pinging through my brain is to put most of my non-fiction books on that shelf, and move all this useless software I bought god knows where. Plus, I have some embarassingly out of date accounting textbooks I'll probably just toss.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003 7:02 AM

Have not been too good about keeping this up lately. Same issues I've been wondering about, that sort of thing. The one thing I need to do, to acknowledge to myself for now and for all time, is that while at work I should be working. Not goofing off, not farting around on the Internet. In some ways I feel like I've come to a kind of dark place. I'm not happy with very much lately, what used to interest me is starting to pall, yet I continue to do it. My Achilles Tendon is sore, and has been sore, for over week now. I haven't jogged, haven't lifted weights, and have not kept up to the diet I started with such high hopes a few months ago.

I think what I may need to do is to simply grit my teeth and get through it. Acknowledge that I'm not here for fun, or dilletantism, or whatever. I need to get to work. Some god awful self help book I remember reading years ago made a big deal about how only a "unified" personality can be truly happy. Makes sense, unfortunately, at least intuitively. Well, I need to think about this. Hard. I also need to stop coming to DA and thephora while at work. Not that I will, of course.

Not a productive, happy or even coherent entry today, eh?

Sunday, December 28, 2003 8:51 PM

In some ways I feel like I'm falling apart. I am being a complete slack off at work, my knees and Achilles tendon are killing me, and I'm feeling all around run-down. Not the flu. Possibly because I have not been exercising regularly since at least Thanksgiving. Being in this sort of pain is just not much fun. Honestly, its not that it is very painful, more a case that I'm not sure to what extent I should push myself. I do notice it when I go up and downstairs, though. My left foot also goes numb occasionally.

On a positive note, I spent some time this evening going through all the crap in my work area at home, throwing some stuff away, shifting some things about. I brought up most of my non-fiction books, and sent quite a few books I have no plans to read again in the near future to the basement. I am not done yet. There seems to be an unlimited amount of files to go through, mostly going back to grad school projects. I didn't have the stomach to hit them today, will try to get to them tomorrow. Doesn't sound like I accomplished much, does it? Still, every tiny step in this area is an improvement.

I sincerely hope this joint problem is temporary. However, as I noted, its been an issue for the past two weeks. Meh, can't really get this off of my mind.

Reading through Durant is not going nearly as quickly as I would've hoped. Still only about midway through volume II. I'm finding it interesting, both as to the subject, the author's style, and the constant reminder of how deep is my ignorance. Well, we do what we can.

I'm kicking around an essay/list of goals I plan to struggle through. Will not say more in the context of the journal, as my fifteen minutes are up. I am going to try to do a better job with making entries on a daily basis. I've been letting this slide as well.

Wednesday, December 31, 2003 6:38 AM

Last entry of 2003. Ugh. This has not been a year of which I can be proud. I know that, even without reviewing the tedious previous entries. I also decline to make any sort of idiotic resolutions for the coming year. At some point I'm going to have to sit down and read though the endless whining that is my journal, but that day ain't going to be today.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm stuck in a bad dream. I know that certain behaviors are wrong, yet I return to them. What's the Psalm say? "As the dog returns to his vomit, so the fool returns to his folly." Too lazy to verify that I've got the exact wording, but that's a fair reflection of how I feel about myself. Odd that I started this journal expressly to review my conduct and behavior, that to a large extent I abandoned a board I was known and liked, on (The Motley Fool) to come here to DA. Okay, so I was only liked when I wasn't despised and loathed, but that's a thought for a different time. Funny how cliques can function on-line, much as they do in real life.

A rather embarrassing thought keeps returning to me. I do so much admire the ancient Stoics that I sometimes feel I should try to be like them. Their ideals are exactly how I would like to behave, and I suppose I could swallow some of the ideas (their Pantheism) with which I don't particularly agree. Amusing that Tom Wolfe wrote a novel ("A Man In Full") that has a modern day character trying to do exactly what I would like to do. Doubtless I shall never achieve this, its just something that keeps coming back to me. I do not rule out trying to become such a thing.

Fade's board, Fade's board, Fade's board. Do I leave, do I stay? Should I just shut up about the whole thing? I think I will no longer allow myself to go there during work hours, but permit access to DA. I do want to be able to use the place as a resource once I finally start on Spengler. Yet, I find the conduct of many members deplorable. Oh, not the Nazi or Stalinist or god knows what ideology, simply the lack of polite conduct between members is starting to get to me. The other thing: Am I secretly some sort of racist? Why else would I keep going back there, and spending so much time there? I don't think I am a racist, but I have no answer as to why I find the place so endlessly diverting. Maybe not. I certainly never felt that way about Stormfront or Original Dissent. Guess I have to leave that thought with a shrug of the shoulders and an acknowledgement that I am less than 100% rational.