Well, here starts the weekly compendium of journal entries. The plan is to start a new thread each quarter, one post for each week from home, one post for each week at work. Entries written from home are slightly more coherent than the ones at work, which get the designation of "random thoughts."

We'll see how it goes. Hopefully I can stick to this project, at least for a while.

Saturday, August 23, 2003 5:41 AM

Well, that's not so good. Missed an entry for last night. Too busy watching the overblown Gods and Generals, I guess. Not that bad a movie, actually, but it just went on and on without any particular climax, character development or any of the usual things we associate with a movie. You can tell they spent a fortune on customing and extras. Heck, I guess the Iliad could be considered a shaggy dog story in the same category, so what do I know. Doubtless some critic 20 years from now will rediscover it as some sort of masterpiece. As for me, I actually fell asleep after Fredicksburg and before the first Wilderness campaign under Hooker. I don't think I missed much, and I’m not really inclined to go back and watch what I missed. Four hours is just a bit too long for a movie. I give it a tepid thumbs up, even if it did put me to sleep.

I'm having a huge struggle getting through Nietzsche, A Philosophical Biography, and will probably be dropping it soon. Interesting, but I guess philosophy is not where my focus is a the moment. That, and the fact that the only works of Nietzsche I've ever read are selections of Zarathustra, and an essay on history way back in college. I actually seem to be on a Civil War kick, so I think I'll soon be going through the stack of books I got from the library on that topic. Maybe I'll give this bio one more day, as it is one of the more coherent expositions on Nietzsche I've ever read.

Interesting how a little pill can change your entire outlook on life. About a month ago I was diagnosed as hypothyroid, and put on Synthroid by my doctor. For the past two years, perhaps longer, I've been tired, draggy, putting on weight, lethargic, what have you. It's almost as though I'm becoming a new person, now that the medication has reached a therapeutic level. Still having a bit of difficulty with my memory , and my concentration is not quite where I'd like it to be. But, overall, I can't complain a bit. Kind of a drag that I'll be taking a pill for the rest of my life. However, well, that's life.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 6:54 PM

As noted this morning, I didn't have time to write. I overslept, went for a run, and by the time I got dressed and all that good stuff it was time to go. Damn. I also think that this journal is going to have to be moved from AM to PM. Mornings just aren't feasible. Too many like this one.

Anyway, the question now is, I guess how am I going to structure this whole journal enterprise, what am I looking to get from it, and what am I not going to cover in it. The structure part is the easiest. The basics were covered yesterday, and I see no reason to alter them in any detail. Beyond that, I guess the only thing to add is that I'll be doing one thread per quarter (March, June, September, December) and posting the entries to the thread weekly. That way I think I'll be able to keep this nonsense reasonably organized, probably 18 or 19 posts per quarter. (Weekly entry plus random thoughts.)

Also, I don't think it is going to be a "I had macaroni and cheese for supper, watched a DVD of Farscape" sort of enterprise either. That crap bores me to tears, and I'd probably throw over this whole project if I'm reduced to that. I guess that sort of thing would be eminently useful for some sort of future anthropologist looking to discover the customs and habits of middle aged white men of the early 21st century, but, too bad, said anthropologist will need to get his material elsewhere. I also am not sure how to address the issue of my wife's medical problems. I'll probably type whatever comes to mind, and then edit before I post. Not sure about that though, b/c I have a sinking feeling that’s going to be a big problem going forward.

Beyond that, anything's fair game. I think I mostly want to use it to help me towards some ill defined goal of self-improvement. Books I'd like to read, tasks I need to accomplish, etc. My education was almost completely technical, so my knowledge of the "liberal arts" is full of holes. Well, lots more on this later. I also plan on running a separate thread of books I've read and am reading, but I'm not quite sure how that's going to go.

I guess I could do worse than to ape the Stoic ideal. Unfortunately, I found the writing of Epictetus bewildering. Marcus Aurelius, as more a man of the world, is more to my taste. Stoicism as he treats it is more a religion that a philosophy.

I'm also really, really, really, starting to hate my job. I need to work through this, and realize that I'm simply one of the damned, stuck doing something I don't really enjoy to earn my daily bread, AND that I owe my employer and clients a better effort than I've been giving them over the past few, well, years. Poor baby.

I also need some sort of feedback mechanism. A formal review of entries, seeing what is just whining, what makes sense, and what, if any, evidence of progress I'm seeing.




Thursday, August 21, 2003 8:19 AM

Ugh. I'm running late. I'll have to type this later on tonight. This is NOT what I want to be doing, I had planned on doing the 15 minutes in the morning, before I left for work. Not a good sign.


Wednesday, August 20, 2003 8:10 AM

Well, here I go again. An attempt at a journal. How many times have I failed at this sort of thing? I don't want to think about it. Here's how I’m going to try to get it to work. I type continuously for fifteen minutes, whatever comes into my head. The file gets saved to a Word document, and once I week I post a week's worth of entries to my journal at DA. I fully intend to keep this up as best I can. I also think I'll do the posting of entries on Sunday or Monday, not sure how that'll work. If I'm on vacation or whatever, I'll bring a pad of paper and scratch out some crap. I also plan on trying to do something a bit more formal, perhaps essays. I doubt I'll ever attempt to write fiction again, but I don't completely rule that out, either.

I've already posted a list of things I'm going to try to work on at DA, but I'm already dissatisfied with it. All the items except the first one are far, far too broad. I'll have to put on my thinking cap relating to that stuff. Which I've also been notoriously bad at. I have great intentions but terrible execution.

Received some potentially very, very bad news yesterday. Edit: I don't think I should discuss this without my wife's permission.


Things are going fairly well on the diet we've embarked upon. The Atkins diet is clearly the one for me. I've dropped 16 pounds so far and haven't felt the slightest interest in cheating. I'm also doing a lot more in the way of exercise. My wife is also doing well at it, although she said she felt like cheating when the phone call came about all of the above issue. God, I hope everything turns out okay.

I'm very serious about not posting on message boards from work ever again. The file that I call "Random Thoughts" will address this continuing problem. Its from work, hopefully someday I'll be able to jettison that, the way a recovering heroin addict ultimately walks away from his methadone. Okay, I'm overstating the case. But, my 15 minutes are up, and I do plan on holding strictly to this.

Friday, August 22, 2003 5:01 PM

Did not have a good afternoon. I basically suck. Hmph, shouldn't use that
sort of language, if I'm going to post this garbage.

Friday, August 22, 2003 2:24 PM

Blew it, but lurking at lowcarber.org. Crap. Shouldn't 've done it. But
that's the way it goes. I guess I am getting better.

Friday, August 22, 2003 12:56 PM

Wow, over half a day, and I've been a complete boy scout. May I continue to
be like this for the next, well, forever.

Friday, August 22, 2003 11:14 AM

Doing okay on my resolution of this morning, surprisingly. Well, let's keep
it up. Nice how my eyes don't hurt when I'm not being an eff off.

Wish I were faster at doing my work, though. Really wish I could do
something about that.

Friday, August 22, 2003 9:23 AM

Changing tasks, moving on. Woo hoo!

I definitely need to do a better job with my Franklin Planner. I did good
for a while, but his since slacked off.

Friday, August 22, 2003 8:14 AM

Did work most of the afternoon yesterday, but also spent some time on-line.
This idea I've come up with that it's okay to lurk as long as I don't post
is a curious but hard to kill fallacy. Fallacy it is, and die it must.

My running is going better than expected, at least as far as a fat guy can
expect. Must remember to e-mail this garbage home, for inclusion in the
journal set-up.

Let's try to make this a no message board day, okay? I think I can do it,
god knows I've got enough to do.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 2:10 PM

Lurked at thephora. Damn. Should not be doing that.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 12:24 PM

Okay, back from lunch. Still a bit tired. But, a bit more energy.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 11:51 AM

Christ, do I feel out of sorts today. Tired, hungry and even a bit light
headed. I think I'd better drop the Atkins stall routine, although maybe I
should tough it out for another day. I'm just not being very productive.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 11:00 AM

Somewhere in this mess of nonsense I quoted Marcus Aurelius on imagination.
Seems appropriate to do it again.

Eudaemonia (happiness) is a good daemon, or a good thing. What then
art thou doing here, O imagination? Go away, I entreat thee by the
gods, as thou didst come, for I want thee not. But thou art come according
to thy old fashion. I am not angry with thee: only go away.

I think I've overdone my exercising the past few days. This passage has
always bugged me.
Why is imagination portrayed as a bad thing, and told to go away? I guess he
means the sort of stuff that keeps you from what is most important, but it
may also be that this translation is not the best. Still, seems to fit where
I want to go, down to the green stuff under my toenails. Perhaps its simply
another word for distraction?

Go away (while at work) the wish to lurk/post at message boards. Etc., etc.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 10:09 AM

Timesheets up to date. I didn't even have to lie as much as I thought I
might otherwise have to. I hope from here on out I stay on top of them.

One thing about the Atkins diet. I don't crave carbos at all, and I usually
have plenty of energy. However, every once in a while I seem to drop almost
into a fugue state, that I guess is a result of a lack of carbs. But, once I
shake it off I'm okay again. The other thing I get is the occasional leg
cramp when jogging. Stomach craps I've always gotten, leg cramps, never
until now.

The other is issue is my hypothyroidism. It wasn't diagnosed until I started
the diet, and I started the meds at just about the same time I did the diet.
The question then becomes am I losing weight b/c a medical condition has
been corrected, b/c I'm on a diet or is it a combination of the two?

Crap, this entry is too long to be a "random thought." Oh, well. That's what
the real journal is supposed to be for.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 9:30 AM

Timesheets are a necessary evil in my business. Plus, they help keep you on
track to your work and on target. I know that I am more likely to get off
track if I am not scrupulous in keeping up with them, at least doing them
daily. I know this, but I often seem to blow it off.

I think this function, which I have to do anyway, could be very, very
helpful in my fight. Actually, I know it is. It's almost like whatever
little demons inside me that want me to eff up know the best places to
attack, even if I am getting work done. Better close this thought off before
I start accusing myself of multiple personality disorder.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 8:53 AM

Probably will have to shift the "main" journal to the evenings. Too busy in
the mornings, unfortunately.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 8:47 AM

Let's try this bit of self-psychology today: I will assume one of the three
partners where I work is looking over my shoulder the entire time. A "Big
Brother is Watching You," sort of thing. In fact, depending upon how closely
they monitor internet log files, that may be the case, in a manner of
speaking.

The only positive I can come up from yesterday is that I did not post, only
lurk. And that is of rather dubious value, since it still leaves footprints
on the server, and still impacts my productivity.

Kind of like listening to this Radioio80s. Too bad I'm not going to
subscribe to it, so when they're freebie ends, so does my access.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 5:00 PM

Not a good day, not as I would have liked. I will have to do better.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 4:05 PM

Well, the resolution to stay off message boards has been a resounding
failure. Crap. I suck, sometimes. Gonna try to to do better.

God! Sean Hannity is a complete dildo. Why am I sitting here listening to
his hideous radio show? So isolated here I want the sound of a human voice.
Like a second rate Limbaugh, though.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 1:21 PM

Fell off the wagon. Ouch. Well, let's try again. At least I was conscious of
what I was doing, and that it was wrong. Plus, it didn't go on for that
long.

Still wrong, and a disappointment. No reason for it at all.

How does one make the boring interesting?

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 12:36 PM

This is not, not, not good. Christ, I guess the comparison to heroin isn't
that far fetched. A lot of times I'm pretty good doing work during the
morning, and then fall apart in the afternoon. Seems to be happening right
now. But, I shall not yield to temptation.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 11:38 AM

The other time is when I get frustrated with what's in front of me. And,
gosh, doesn't that happen a lot. Well, gotta watch out for the symptoms.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 11:34 AM

Having problems as shift from one task to another. That's when the
temptation is the greatest.

Kind of interesting how I've been reading a lot about boredom lately. In
Barzun, the Nietzche biography I can't get through, somewhere else. Irony
abounds.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 11:08 AM

Still getting used to this chronic illness thing. Not sure what I can and
cannot blame on it. I seem to still be having some memory difficulties. But,
that might be simple paranoia on my part. Couldn't think of Tobey Maguire's
name for some reason.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 10:39 AM

I have successfully wandered off from The Motley Fool. I will stay at DA and
The Phora (TP? Snicker) indefinitely. Lowcarber.org? Not sure, yet. We'll
see how the diet goes. Discussing that sort of stuff gets real old real
quick, at least for me. Plus you have to be so gosh darn nice all the time.
But, it is still an excellent resource, so I stay on my best-est behavior
when I post there.

Stormfront is boring unless you're a racist, which I am not. Actually, it'd
probably be boring even then. I'm done with that place, too. Skadi.net is
too tedious for words. Too bad, b/c it looked like it had promise at one
time.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 10:13 AM

Not doing too badly, but I'm starting to feel tired, possibly bored. This is
a danger sign. Need to get up and walk away from my desk for a minute. Cup
of tea should do it.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 8:54 AM

One other thing: I'm going to have to note to e-mail home this stuff every
Friday. Franklin Planner here I come.

Who were some famous diarists? Pepys (sp?), Goebbels, eh, I think Montaigne,
although I guess his stuff is more like personal essays. Oh, yes, Franklin,
I think. Count Ciano, ROFL. Certainly a mixed bag have taken it upon
themselves to keep journals.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 8:50 AM

Well, now I've gone and done it. Made a public announcement that I'm not
going to post on message boards from work. A necessary step, but one I'm
going to have to fight to keep. Funny that as of 07/31/03 I indicated that I
thought the worst was behind me. Ha! In my favor is that I'm kept to the
Atkins diet very well. If I can just bring the same level of commitment to
my time spent at work, I'll be able to get through this nonsense, no
problem. Otherwise, it's going to be a dogfight: Me vs. my own worst habit.
Well, lets get to it. I expect a lot of junk here at least for the first few
weeks. Consider it methadone to a heroin addict.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003 10:00 AM

Not good, can't believe I've let this scratch pad go for so long. I need to
start using it again.

Oh, and, yes, I've still got message board problems. Not as bad as before,
but the past two days have been disgraceful. I need to get to work. I'm also
going to be leaving this up all day, probably from now on unless performance
starts degrading. No more 8:30 to 5:00 posting for me.

Saturday, August 30, 2003 10:56 AM

Just returned from two days on Cape Cod, and we're back off to the lake cottage (shudder) for what is likely to be a disastrous few days. Back to work on Tuesday, following the Labor Day holiday. The Cape was nice, visited my wife's aunt and her husband. Had a wonderful time. I think that about covers the chronology of the past few days. Oh, and went to an amusement park on our anniversary.

The question I need to ask myself: Do I keep this up, or abandon it? I think I shall give it one more week, and decide. I don't think I've been putting enough time in on any of the stated goals of the nebulously defined "self-improvement," and I'm beginning to think I lack the moral fiber to do so. Well, what have you.

I know I'm a lame dilettante, whose knowledge of almost any issue shall remain incomplete, who is so lazy he's lucky breathing in an autonomic act, and who neglects his wife, parents and job in pursuit of nothing. This sort of dissipated energy is a curse, and probably is behind several of the things I wish to change in my life. I lack the ability to focus, know I lack this ability, yet seem utterly unable to do anything about it.

I've also fallen off exercising this week, for absolutely no good reason. I need to do better at this as well. I don't much like myself at this point in time. I find the tasks I've set myself just about impossible, yet dread the thought of never achieving them. Ugh. Oh, and I've also noticed that I'm on kind of a short fuse lately. Not sure where this came from.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003 5:46 AM

Needless to say, I've missed bunch of entries over the past few days. And, a rather distressing few days it has been. We were supposed to spend a few days at my in-laws lakeside cottage. My wife had very much been looking forward to this, given the medical issues she's been dealing with. Unfortunately, my brother-in-law had turned the place into a pigsty. I am trying to turn over a new leaf, not let things get to me, etc., etc., etc. I was so furious with him I could neither speak to him nor about him for several hours. My wife made me promise not to confront him. Faugh. We stayed one night and returned. Not only that, this disgusting leech spent the entire time we were there whining about my other brother-in-law. Younger brother-in-law is also a loathsome human being, but one who happens to be dying from cancer. He has perhaps six months to live, at the outside. The entire situation is so depressing. My wife is afraid that any criticism she makes at either of her worthless brothers will result in her losing contact with her father and mother. I don't believe this, but, I've promised to keep a civil tongue. I sincerely hope I am able to give him a piece of my mind at some point. Actually, what I most sincerely hope is that I somehow reach a point where such loathsome creatures no longer emotionally affect me.

Beyond that, I attended a family party, a surprise party for a distant cousin on his 30th wedding anniversary. Everything there was nice. My borderline alcoholic father did not drink himself insensate. We also a had a nice visit with my sister-in-law. Came home, movies last night.

Well, the fifteen minutes is up. I think I need expand upon my feelings for my brother-in-law. Hopefully, I'll get to it today. Since I've missed a few entries, I guess I can do some more writing with a clear conscience.

I also need to think about this diet. It ain't working.

Saturday, September 20, 2003 6:40 PM

Embarassing past few days. Have not been doing what I think I should. More self-sabotage. Not going to go into details, just need to realize that I should be focusing my energies elsewhere. Haven't been doing the reading on the railroads, haven't set up a plan of household tasks by day, like I thought I should, certainly haven't considered writing essays or anything like that. Have not been to any message boards. That is the one positive. I'm keeping that promise, at least for the moment. Honestly, not a heck of a lot say. Haven't done much, and there's very little to report. So, I'm going to end tonight's entry right here. Maybe will work on calendar of events later. We'll see how I feel.

Thursday, September 18, 2003 10:05 PM

Very tired. Reading then going to bed. Bit of a backslide in process following my boy scout behavior of last night. Oh, well. Since its going to be raining tomorrow, we won't be going for our jog, anyway. Will have plenty of time to get ready. Not much to say for today, and certainly nothing to dwell upon. Goodnight.


Wednesday, September 17, 2003 9:34 PM

Well, tried a bit of a time management experiment this evening. Set everything I could think of up to help me on my way in the morning. Except my running stuff, will do that after this. Made my lunch, laid out my clothing, set out the gazillion pills I'm taking, set up the coffee maker, etc., etc. Even did the trash so it simply can be brought to the curb tomorrow, with no fuss nor muss. Wish the trashmen wouldn't be so damn picky, but that's how the game is played nowadays. Plus, a wife who seems to buy all this catalog crap leaving loads of boxes to break down, almost weekly. But, I digress. Will need to see if it helps me get on my way to work. Not that I've been particularly late lately, but I do tend to drag some mornings. This is, after all, theoretically the point to this whole enterprise. Not just to blather, but to do some self-criticism and, hopefully some self-improvement. Hasn't quite worked out that way.

I need to start doing things faster while at work, and not get bogged down in the minutiae of a particular task. Quite frankly, I also need to figure out if certain things should not be done at all. The whole concept of being a CPA has now become a bit of a battleship Potemkin. You need to have pretty workpapers, need to make sure the balance sheet items tie, but often we let the nominal accounts fall as they may, making force adjustments to accounts, without spending a whole lot of time trying to figure out what is wrong.

Had a bit -- a tiny bit -- of temptation to relapse on the month of silence today, exactly one week after I started. Guess I shouldn't spend that much time on it, as I am going into tedious detail in the random thoughts file. However, I do think what I'm doing is the right thing for me. Will need to evaluate all this at the end of the 30 days, see what I want to do then.

The railroad project is moribund. I haven't been doing any of the reading, even though I've cleared most of the non-railroad books back to the library. Am reading Ambrose's book, but only desultorily. I seriously doubt anything will emerge in terms of a short paper, as I had originally planned. Just don't have the fire in the belly, I guess. Also been reading Susan Faludi's Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Male, which has absolutely nothing to do with railroads. That's quite a bit more entertaining that Ambrose, even if I'm not quite sure where she's trying to go with the book.


Tuesday, September 16, 2003 10:34 PM

Feeling a bit off tonight. I guess its because my wife is at work, and has a long week ahead of her. Not much worthy of comment occurred today. Went to work, did work, ate lunch, went to the library came home cooked supper, played the game mentioned yesterday for a bit and read. Nothing worth memorializing in a journal, even though I've apparently just done so.

Well, what's it going to be then, eh? Should I pull the plug on this or keep doing it by rote? I had some grandiose idea that this journal would help me pull myself together. It is not working out that way. Its become just another humdrum thing I do most days, and don't do on some. Obviously, I need to put more time into this project, or simply abandon it. This half on half off way of life doesn't help me, in fact it rather annoys me.

I think I'd like to keep it up for the time being. It does serve as something of a mirror on my life, and taking my frustrations on a mirror is a rather silly way to go. But, enough for tonight.


Monday, September 15, 2003 10:28 PM

Am not going to do fifteen minutes this time. Well, my attempt to use a video game as methadone to the Internet message board's heroin has backfired. Now, I'm wasting time playing this idiotic and obsolete game, although my ancient computer still bogs down running it. Anyway, I shouldn't be doing this. Did not lift weights today, very tired at the end of work. I now regret not doing it.

Have not been faithful to my attempt to research the transcontinental railroad. The topic just doesn't grab me. Do plan on forcing myself to at least do some reading, certainly Ambrose's book. Very glad I started doing the book reviews, must now work on some other areas of my life. This video game thing is stupid, if not for the fact that it is keeping me off of message boards. Must admit that. Named my character Ironweed. Pretty cute, eh? Well, I think that's enough for tonight. Was very happy that my weight fell below 200 pounds for the first time in god knows how long. Not sure if it’s the hypothyroid medicine kicking in or the Atkins diet doing its work. Still have a long way to go in that department, but its nice to see progress being made.

Off to bed. Want to get up early and jog with the dog before Route 85 turns into its usual terrifying (for a pedestrian) routine.


Sunday, September 14, 2003 6:34 AM

Missed yesterday. Too tired last night. No real excuse, other than laziness and fatigue. So, two days to cover. Friday was a work day, pretty much like any other. Did okay in terms of concentration, pretty good in terms of withdrawal symptoms during the month of silence. Didn't miss it much, to be truthful. Didn't do much Friday night. Went to bed early. Oh, one other thing I missed. Actually did things around the house, and lifted weights rather than deal with the temptation to go on-line. I'm actually finding that I miss the whole discussion board thing at home more than I do at work, which is rather surprising. I would have thought it would be the other way around. Doubtless that'll change in a bit, I have to believe.

Yesterday, woke up early, went for a run and took the dog to doggie social hour. My life is so utterly pathetic that I find I look forward to this more and more each week. Pay the $6, and get to see dogs run around like fools for an hour or so. The people who bring the dogs are also uniformly nice, no complaints in that department, either. After that the Wife and I cleaned up the upstairs to an extent. My closet is an absolute disaster area, or was, until she got through with it. She shames me with her ability to get things done. After that went out to do errands. Nothing exciting, honestly. Did read Eherenreich's book "Nickel and Dimed," probably that'll be the first or second review. Indeed, it was quite powerful but I'll have to cover that in the review. Came home around 8:00. Finished (finally!) Page Smith's book on the Civil War and Reconstruction, so must bang out a review of that. Must sit down today and try to plan out some things. Possibly set up a separate file. Raining, appears there will be no jogging today. Looks like the sort of rain that comes and stays, which is also what is predicted. Decided to hit Ambrose first on the transcontinental railroad, rather than Hinckley's Judah bio. The Ambrose book seems like a good survey, did about half of it as a book on tape already. Note-taking, yuck, but important.

Friday, September 12, 2003 7:55 AM

Day 2 under my belt, Day 3 beginning. Have completed all corporate tax returns due on Monday (09/15) and am turning into a work machine. Went for a run this AM with the dog, pretty good feeling. Need to do a better job with the Franklin Planner, still struggling with how best to incorporate it into my life. Possibly I cannot, but for a bit there it was quite helpful. Like most things, though, it requires work, and my ability to put forth strenuous efforts is never that good. I get bored or tired or what have you, and that is that. I know that I have a weakness in this area.

Here's a goal worth shooting for: By next Friday, I want to have blown through all the work that's available for me to do. Not sure if I can complete this or not, but its something to shoot for. Would be nice to have a cleared desk. I think I can do it, assuming some things fall my way. The problem then becomes what do I do with myself? Will the temptation to go on-line become overwhelming? I should get to the point and see. Maybe I'll be satisfied just to do CPE. Maybe I'll never get to that point.

Where did I get the title "Month of Silence?" I think it comes from a really bad short story by Madison Smart Bell I read years ago, called "The Year of Silence." The short story was about a concert pianist who stopped playing for a year. He practiced on a drawn keyboard. He had a karate practicing roommate who did karate and liked Janis Joplin. I have no other recollection of the story, just liked the title.

The railroad thing is not going well. I find the topic boring as heck. I fall asleep after reading a page or two. Well, we'll see. However, it is crystal clear the government made a huge difference in its construction. Amusing that there's a Greenfield, MA connection with Theodore Judah. Even a picture of a house his wife grew up in. Too silly. I also need to discipline myself to take some notes, mark up a bibilography. Been a long time since I've done something like this, not sure if I can do it well.

Haven't be doing a good job with exercising since before I went on vacation. Need to get back into the swing of things there. First day back weightlifting should be tonight. I don't want to, because I'm sure I've slipped. Will have to see about cut back on the weights or the reps. Everything I've read indicates heavier weights and few reps/sets. Probably will go that route. The dog drives me nuts when I try to go down into the basement and ignore him. But, he likes to dispense "kisses" when I'm prone on the bench.

Out of time. Book reviews tonight, I think.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 5:35 AM

Well, I went and did it. This is Day 2 of the Month of Silence. Just beginning. As I noted in the random thoughts, it does feel oddly like a burden has been lifted. Not that I'm still not tempted, not that I may or may not even fail at some point. But, it did feel like a good decision, like the right thing to do. I'll have to see how I feel about this later. But, for now I'm not even having a huge problem with "withdrawal symptoms." Somewhat like when I broke myself of caffeine, I hope. The first day or two was bad, but after that it was okay.

This charming case of poison ivy I acquired this weekend is taking its sweet time in making an exit. Fortunately, I've taken measures to keep it from spreading, but the initial infection shows no sign of leaving. It’s a bit on the itchy side at the moment. I used to think I was somewhat immune to this sort of thing. Nope.

Doing reading on the transcontinental railroad, commencing yesterday. Consider it a penance for what may or may not turn out to be ill-advised remarks made at that politicsforum.com. Some Objectivist made the preposterous claim that the late 19th century was a time of low tariffs, and of no corporate welfare. The first claim is demonstrably false, and I immediately demolished it. The second is, in my view, also in error, but it will take a bit more effort to prove. Going to return all the world war II books in my possession to the library and focus on this for a bit. We'll have to see how this goes, but I hope to be able to write a short essay on the subject.

Out of time. Drat, had more to say. Quite busy at work this week, not exercising. Hopefully will return to a normal schedule next week, especially if not wasting time on the internet. May make another entry this evening.


Wednesday, September 10, 2003 5:55 AM

I am not succeeding in my program of self-improvement. If nothing else is true, this certainly is. The worst part is that I am still, after all this time, wasting huge amounts of time on the internet while at work.


Monday, September 08, 2003 5:39 AM

Okay, let's try this again. I sort of have an excuse for not maintaining my journal while on vacation. I have no excuse for not maintaining it last week, nor for not exercising. Nor, for that matter, for being a complete screw up at work. Well, can't change the past, so I can only work on improvement going forward. I also haven't started reviewing the books I'm reading.

Here's a thought: How much longer am I going to keep up with this World War II/Nazi fascination? I'm no historian, and I don't speak German. I'm not some teenybopper net Nazi, I'm a middle-aged accountant. I mean, really, where am I going with this? As I just wasted 10 minutes skimming a critique of Alfred Rosenberg. Figures.

Ah, well. I think I'll try to make another entry this evening.

Wife's birthday tomorrow. I have no idea what to do, or what to get her. We kind of had a fight over this a bit ago, she may finally be getting sick of my extreme laziness.

I'm also no longer going to post the "Random Thoughts" into the journal. Too despairing, too out of control

Monday, September 29, 2003 7:49 AM

Interesting weekend. Visited with parents and attended the 50th anniversary party of a priest I know. Said priest is related to me, being a first cousin to my parents. Had not been to Charlestown in a very long time. Quite an interesting place. Seems to be doing the shuffle from from white dominated to "minority" dominated at a much slower pace than the rest of the urban areas of the country. Weird to walk through an urban environment and still see pretty much white faces only. Must be too much time at the Phora that I should either note or comment on such a thing, but there you have it.

My dad continues his deterioration. A diabetic who drinks is not someone who is long for this world, even though he seems to be pulling it off better than most. I guess he's just very lonely, and takes solace where he can get it. Unfortunately, his behavior at various points in time is so atrocious that it can only serve to make him even lonelier. I can't think of a single positive in getting older. Not one. However, unlike my father, I seem to do far better at being alone. I am rarely lonely, even though I myself have no social life to speak of. Whatever, that's just how we're two different people.

I see I had previously mentioned being completely dead at work. I'm going to develop a list of things I'd like to learn about, and set about doing so, as long as there's no work to do. I'm going to do so today. We'll see how much time I have for this sort of thing. I think I am duty bound to do the 24 hours of CPE before I waste any more time on this sort of meta-project during work hours.

I also need to evaluate where I'm going to go once the Month of Silence is over. I may just declare a permanent self-ban from all internet forums. Nah, I doubt that. However, I have concluded that I should not be on message boards while at work. So perhaps walking away from these things is not beyond the realm of possibility. I'm not sure I'd want to go onto them just from home. It would be like being a part time smoker, at least it seems that way.

Saturday, September 27, 2003 5:54 AM

Have been the data entry boy for my spouse on her big inspection for the past few days, which is why I haven't bothered to update this. Lots of typing at night, even at work, for her. The inspection is on Ocotber 1, so I can't imagine she can hit me up with much more to do. Its forced me to learn how to use the bullets/numbering features of Word, which I had previously not had much experience with. I guess that's a good thing, but on the whole the thing was kind of a pain. However, glad I could help her out. Also glad its almost over. My wife has been going crazy with her work hours. Her average day seems to run to about 14 hours, maybe more. She must be exhausted, although she seems to be holding up very well. Certainly better than I'd be doing under the same circumstances.

Nothing of any real significance has been happening beyond that. I get up, go to work, do the crap for the wife, and that's about it. Did have a doctor's appointment yesterday AM. Dr. was not thrilled with my LDL cholesterol, and wanted to put me on Lipitor. Only problem is that my blood was not taken fasting, since no one told me it needed to be. Much confusion ensued, and the Dr. told me to not take it. I do like her (the doctor) but the whole situation was rather silly. Beyond that, the medicine for my hypothyroidism has taken effect wonderfully. My measurements on all that are much better, and have in fact returned to a normal range. That's the good news.

Work is completely dead for me. Nothing to do, not a blessed thing. Once I'm done doing all the sub-rosa data entry for W. I'm going to do the 12 self-study CPE reports, a QuickBooks self-study course, then god knows what. I'll have to set up a schedule of what to attack. I think the other stuff will take maybe a week in total, and don't foresee work during the next week picking up much, if at all. Hopefully it does, but we shall see.

I'm hoping this whole Month of Silence silliness engenders a complete change in attitude on my part. I think it has, but I won't know for sure until after it ends. I've done very well with keeping up my promise not to go on-line. We shall see what we shall see after the 30 days are up.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 6:57 AM

Yesterday was on balance not a good work day. It was not a complete washout, but I had about the worst case of afternoon fatigue I can remember. I think I need to do a better job about getting to bed at a reasonable hour. Poor wife and the hours she's been working lately. The mind reels. Well, hopefully she can get back onto a normal schedule after October 1. Only another week. I have been neglecting weightlifting for some time, for too long, now. I need to get back into the swing of things and start doing it three times a week. Christ, I'm going to be 40 in less than a year. Damn straight I started acting like an adult.

Very pleased with the continued weight loss. The scale showed 195 yesterday, meaning I'm down 25 pounds from the "official" start of the diet. I think I'm actually down as much as 40 pounds from my heaviest, but I have no proof for that assertion, just a gut feeling and how loose some of my clothing feels.

I'm not reading as much as I used to. Wonder why that is. Possibly it is simply that I've shifted my reading habits from primarily fiction to non-fiction, that I'm tackling some fairly heavy duty stuff, at least given my academic background. Still, its rather silly to take eight books out of the library and only finish three before they all have to go back. I hope this is not a symptom of aging, that I'm going to get worse at this as I continue to age. Can't think of one positive about getting older. In fact, I'm hoping I kick it before I sink into complete decrepitude. Even during this "month of silence," when I figured I’d be reading up a storm I really haven't been. I open a book read a few pages and fall asleep. Zzzzz. Wake up and go to bed.

Here's something disgusting to consider: I am also falling down with oral hygiene. At best I’m brushing my teeth once a day, not twice like I should. Haven't flossed in a frighteningly long time. Eww. Putting embarassing like that in writing should stir me on to greater efforts, shouldn't it?

I've been doing much better in the jogging department. I suppose because I get an instant reward. My hyper dog is much calmer following a 45 minute jog. Plus I get to watch him doodie on the lawn of some yuppie's McMansion. However, I don't think that's all of it. I just flat out enjoy it more than lifting. I like being outdoors, even in most kinds of weather. But, cardio health is not the only kind of health. So, I must try to do better with the weights. At some point I'm going to try to get Body for Life through inter-library loan.

Sunday, September 21, 2003 8:39 PM

Not much to add to yesterday's entry. I was a thoroughgoing sloth today, and loved every second of it. Spent the morning playing a computer game, the afternoon watching football. After that went for a jog at the park with the dog. Puttered around the house for a little bit, between my overwhelming schedule. I've always thought I could do quite well as a member of the idle rich. Pity I'm not rich. Well, that's the way it goes. While I was being such a productive citizen my wife was off at her workplace, preparing for an inspection. She's still not home, after having left at 11:00 this morning. This is on top of 10 hours yesterday, and an average of 14 hour days during the week. Fortunately, the inspection is October 1, and I'm certain she'll pass with flying colors. She seems to think the people who will be conducting it this time have an axe to grind against her department, unfortunately. They'll probably cite her for some ticky-tack BS to prove that they're such, hmmm, what's the phrase, something along the lines of detail oriented, but that's not it.

At some point, but not tonight, I shall have to clean up my workspace here. Books piled everywhere in complete disorder. A biography of Franklin, one of Douglas MacArthur, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, The Wind in the Willows, a book on Hypothyroidism, the list goes on. Its starting to bug me, and its about due for a periodic organizing. That will last about two days, I have no doubt.

The park on my jog was absolutely gorgeous. Late afternoon, the sun low in the sky but not quite setting, the trees starting to turn but not dropping many leaves, temperature in the low 70s. Some sort of evangelical church was having a giant church picnic at the entrance, absolutely hogging all the parking. Didn't see a soul once we (the dog and I) got to the trails. Interesting that they didn't seem very interested in God's handiwork, and left the appreciation of the beauty of the woods to an agnostic and a dog looking for chipmunks to hunt. Well, that's the way it goes. Probably more an American trait than anything particularly Christian. Good for me, since my silly dog was able to be off-leash most of the time. And, he's not the least be heedful to me when there are people on bikes or hiking on the trails. So, I guess it was all for the best.

Also just want to mention that quite a lot of my fat man clothing is now hanging off of me, giving me some sort of scarecrow look. Not sure if it’s the Atkins diet or the hypothyroid medicine kicking in, but I've dropped 21 pounds in two months. Unfortunately I'm not yet skinny enough for my old pre-fat/pre-thyroid failure clothing. I figure I’m about 15 pounds away from that. Hope the next 21 pounds go off quicker, although they say it doesn't. I started at 220, and hope to get down to 160. You do the math beyond that.

Monday, September 15, 2003 5:33 PM

Couldn’t even screw around today if I had wanted to. Still, not very productive. Need to work on this, but how?

Monday, September 15, 2003 1:01 PM

Now I’m starting to wonder. No internet access, no on else in the office noticing or complaining. Crap, hope I’m not in the soup again.

Monday, September 15, 2003 10:59 AM

11:00 update. Have dropped 21 pounds over the course of this diet, thus far. Thought I’d throw that in there.

Monday, September 15, 2003 10:55 AM

Still down. Wouldn’t it be ironic if they did something bad to me as I try to become a boy scout? I think, however, that that’s pretty unlikely. Doubtless I would’ve been spoken to first. Actually, I’m not completely sure about that. Well, time will tell. Need to do one of those self-study things to have a reason to go on-line, a legitimate reason.

Monday, September 15, 2003 9:53 AM

Woo hoo! Server restarting!

Monday, September 15, 2003 9:26 AM

Very definitely down. Says “unknown artist” on media player. Therefore, today is going to suck.

Monday, September 15, 2003 9:23 AM

Nope, re-booting didn’t do it. Until they figure out internet access is down, will be playing CDs. No desire to bring to anyone’s attention my music addiction. I guess most others don’t use it on a regular basis. Surprised.

Monday, September 15, 2003 9:10 AM

Network seems to be down, no music for me, at least for a while. Crap. Will have to sneak out and grab my CDs, this silence is oppressive. Kept the faith with the Month of Silence over the weekend, work should be a breeze in comparison.

Friday, September 12, 2003 4:58 PM

And, so that’s it til Monday. Yay for me.

Friday, September 12, 2003 4:47 PM

Slipped for a bit, browsing the UHA catalog on-line. Bad me. Get back to work, finish the time sheets and get the eff outta here.

Friday, September 12, 2003 4:29 PM

Friday afternoons are tough. They were always prime eff off time. But, no, I’m a good little doobie nowadays. No effing off for me. Well, at least during the month of silence. Except for this blathering, also. But, that we take for granted.

Friday, September 12, 2003 2:11 PM

All signs are positive, we are making progress.

Friday, September 12, 2003 12:33 PM

Ugh. This is not fun, right now.

Friday, September 12, 2003 10:59 AM

Not being very productive right now. Not at all. Not sure why. Boredom? Isolation? Need to focus and get going. Not tempted by the ‘Net at the moment. Good for me.

Friday, September 12, 2003 10:12 AM

Wonder if I can find the lyrics to that old song, “Thirty Days in the Hole” by Canned Heat (I think). Good ol’ chestnut, before Peter Frampton turned into a wussy. In moments of weakness I can hum it. No message boards. 27 days to go.

Actually, I don’t think it was Canned Heat. No idea who sang it, exactly, only that Peter Frampton was in there somewhere. Will have to look this up from home.

Friday, September 12, 2003 9:59 AM

Need to get my act together, get moving. We are all one human family.

Friday, September 12, 2003 9:55 AM

Activity trumps passivity. Not a very Zen philosophy, but I could hardly be mistaken for a Buddhist. To do is better than to not do.

Friday, September 12, 2003 9:51 AM

A total commitment to work while you are working is a very good thing. Fewer mistakes, less guilt, and perhaps a sense of accomplishment. Witness the latest fiasco. Missed a very obvious thing, must call client back. Feel stupid. Don’t like feeling this way. Am trying to change things so that I no longer do feel this way.

Friday, September 12, 2003 9:18 AM

Speed. The most important thing in the world. Well, no it isn’t. Just seems that way sometimes. What have I done for the past half hour? Good question.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 8:12 PM

Leaving. Very happy.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 7:59 PM

8:00 and here I am. However, I should be out of here shortly. Am not doing my timesheets tonight.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 5:05 PM

Going home, then coming back. Drat.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 3:59 PM

Heard a Dead Kennedys version of Take this Job and Shove It. Too funny. Beyond that, damn am I taking a lot longer than I thought I would to get through this. Still haven’t started the last return.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 3:47 PM

Inadvertently looked at the radioio80s forum, only the title page. I’m thinking that doesn’t count. IT doesn’t appeal to me, anyway.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 2:59 PM0

Made sure I didn’t miss the update this time. Working, tired, bored, and hungry. Same as always. I wonder if the hypothyroid medicine is starting to not work? Well, too busy to contemplate further.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 2:30 PM

I am slipping on keeping up with the hourly updates. I’m not too worried, but it is odd that I’m almost tuning out the beeps. I guess that doesn’t mean I’m any more or less likely to cheat, does it?

Thursday, September 11, 2003 1:52 PM

I’m tired. I’m bored. However, my eyes don’t hurt, as they did when I pissed away hours on message boards.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 1:18 PM

Have not cheated, have not seriously thought about it. Good for me. Very busy.

Must update time sheets today. Behind.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 11:46 AM

I will not stop fighting. I will get through this. Rather glad I’m so busy today. Too bad I’m feeling a bit frustrated, too.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 11:02 AM

Didn’t slip, but did make an entry in a chat room, of all things. Won’t do that again, either. Hungry and frustrated at the moment. Time for a snack.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 9:16 AM

Everything certainly seems to take longer than you think it is going to. Frustrating. Now that I’m trying, why isn’t everything else in life cooperating? Ha, ha. Middle of spreadsheet, didn’t want to stop for hourly update. Hope I make it through day 2 okay. I think I will. More concerned about days 15, 16, 17. Will have problems then, I think. Long time with no posting, end seemingly not in sight. Well, we shall see.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 8:29 AM

Not attacking this problem correctly. Get up for a minute, then come back. I think I know what’s needed, but a break seems like a good thing.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 8:10 AM

In a half hour I will have gone 24 hours without going onto an internet message board. Remarkable. Glad I’m doing this, at least for the moment. It’s an area of my life I need to get under control. At one month I can re-evaluate things, and decide where to go from there.

The fact that this total ban is of a rather temporary nature may make it easier to swallow than it would be otherwise, I guess. Not sure how to account for that, either as a positive or negative. I wonder, though, if in 30 days I’ll be jonesing or wondering why I had such an interest in the first place. Hopefully the latter, but one never knows.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 9:27 PM

Yes, leaving will be a good thing. A very good thing. The sooner the better.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 9:19 PM

I’m done for the night, after I clean up. I’m frustrated and tired. Prime candidate to fall down.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 8:25 PM

God, is this sucking. Its taking forever.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 7:44 PM

I might be going shortly. I’m starting to crack a bit. But, damn do I have stuff to do. This sucks.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 7:13 PM

CREATE A SENSE OF URGENCY!

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 7:02 PM

Figures the first day of my resolution I come back to work for a few hours. How tough is this going to be? Well, I’ll get through it. If it feels like I’m failing, I’ll leave.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 4:50 PM

Get up and walk away for a minute. No, it passed.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 3:57 PM

Spending too much time effing around with ‘net radio stations, almost slipped. Must. Stay. Focused. Consider this the 4:00 message. I hope I can start focusing soon.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 3:23 PM

Get moving. I think one of the times I have problems is when I shift from one task to another. If I scoot through it, it might go better.

The empty desk as I shove one pile of crap out and before I bring a new one in is rather intimidating.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 3:00 PM

Three o’clock and I am sofaking bored. Well, at least I’m working. Have a lot to get through, too. Looks like I won’t be running errands tonight, but here, doing work. Drat. Wish I could be more productive.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 2:23 PM

Here’s a depressing thought: Even if I don’t break today, it still doesn’t count as a full day off-line. Ick, what did I almost just do?

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 2:07 PM

Heard the 2:00 beep, didn’t respond. Shame on me.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 1:23 PM

Technically, I didn’t just cheat. But, looking at defunct e-mail accounts? Why? Surprised they still exist, but that ain’t the point, now is it? We’re at work to do work, not fart around.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 1:08 PM

First crack in my resolve. I fought it off. Doubtless I shall be doing this quite a bit for the next month.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 1:01 PM

Beep, beep. Another hourly update. Stay focused on your work, get it done and go home. What could be simpler, or cause less stress?

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 10:59 AM

Right on the money. 11:00 and all is well, at least in terms of my attitude and for not breaking my promises. Yay. Not so good in terms of productivity, but at least I’m trying.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 10:42 AM

Humph, missed the 10:00 update. Well, I’ve been working along, and even if I haven’t been the most productive I’m light years ahead of the past two days. Hopefully I’ll be able to take a month off, and then come back to message boards with the proper perspective.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 9:45 AM

I think I’m also going to declare a World War II holiday as well. We’ll see about that, though. I definitely want to do that analysis of the transcontinental railroad, though.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 9:19 AM

Thoughtlessness as a virtue. A lion doesn’t think about hunting as it hunts, a basketball player doesn’t think about the act of shooting as the ball leaves his hands. They just do.

There seems to be some sort of tier of response to these things, which I have never been able to find. I seem to think when I should be acting, and vice versa. Almost as though my instincts are exactly the opposite of what they should be.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 8:59 AM

Well, I’ve successfully completed 20 minutes cold turkey. If that isn’t worthy of an “LOL”, I don’t know what is.

Wednesday, Monday, September 22, 2003 10:08 AM

The Month of Silence.

I’m going to be on hiatus for one month from all message boards.

I shall not post nor lurk again at any Internet forum until at least October 10, 2003, oh, let’s say before noon.

Wonder how I’ll feel at the end of it? I’ll post my navel contemplation/impressions at that time, and otherwise update my journal, which I plan to keep in an off-line form.

Patrick, going cold turkey

(PS: I realize it’s unlikely anyone gives a hoot, one way or the other. I just figured this message will be enough to strengthen my will. I don’t like lying, even to myself.)

=================

Posted this as a sticky thread on my DA journal. This, my friends, is going to be a challenge. But one well worth attempting. Well, let’s get cracking. I also feel kind of like a weight’s been lifted from my shoulders. Go figure about that part of it.

Monday, September 08, 2003 12:51 PM

Failed. Went to thephora. Not good, not good at all.

Monday, September 08, 2003 11:07 AM

Another hour under my belt. I guess I don’t like responding promptly to the beep-beeps? Oh, well, long as I’m staying on target and focused, that’s the important thing.

Monday, September 08, 2003 10:03 AM

Heard the beep, but was doing stuff. It’s obviously far too soon to say anything positive, but I’ve done a whole two and half hours without going on-line. Better than wasting massive amounts of time, like I did on Friday, or most of last week.

Getting into this whole Radioio80s. White Lines, LOL. “Pound for pound costs more than gold.” Those were the days.

Monday, September 08, 2003 9:05 AM

Looks like I’ve stopped paying attention to the hourly beep. Darn. I thought something so annoying would help keep me on track.

Monday, September 08, 2003 7:50 AM

Okay, let’s try this again. Let’s try to do ONE DAY without message boards. One step at a time, one minute at a time. I think I can do it. I hope I can do it.

Also, I want to get back on the FP bandwagon. It did help and work while I was doing it.

Friday, September 05, 2003 5:00 PM

Good intentions, ground to dust. I suck.

Friday, September 05, 2003 2:06 PM

This behavior is not me. It is wrong, it comes from someplace else.

Friday, September 05, 2003 12:59 PM

Crap. Screwed up, yet again. One nice thing about the beep-beep is that it should serve to bring me back to focus.

Friday, September 05, 2003 11:39 AM

I broke. Only for a second, but I broke. Not a good sign.

Friday, September 05, 2003 11:15 AM

My resolve is already cracking. Is my life that barren that I feel compelled to this level? Apparently so.

Friday, September 05, 2003 10:59 AM

God, what am I going to put on my timesheet for this week? Ugh. Well, I got through an hour. Another one, hopefully in the unbroken chain that spells my future.

Friday, September 05, 2003 10:47 AM

Not doing too badly. On top of everything wrong with message boards is this: They seem to make me tired. Definitely my eyes. But, they do allow me a pseudo interpersonal relationship with others.

Friday, September 05, 2003 9:59 AM

Got through 45 minutes of work, uninterrupted. WTG, you lazy sod.

God is that little chime thing annoying.

Friday, September 05, 2003 9:28 AM

Do I wish to post this drivel at DA?

Friday, September 05, 2003 9:13 AM

Today is day one of the new regime. No on-line crap while at work. Music is okay, talk radio is okay, nothing else. I think I’m going to make hourly updates, I’ll try that. Just set chime on my digital watch to go off hourly. Hopefully that’ll help.

I am not going to discuss my failures. They almost seem to create an atmosphere of failure. Well, I probably will discuss them. Hmph, to ignore or not. Not sure.

I’ve also failed lately both at keeping my exercise schedule and my journal. Crap on that.

I lied to leave TMF behind with no hard feelings. Yes, I’m hypothyroid. However, InkJetLabel has too much baggage associated with it to continue on at TMF.

Thursday, September 04, 2003 12:35 PM

Slipped. Not good, no it isn’t. Now, let’s get going.

Thursday, September 04, 2003 9:55 AM

Keep your focus. Do your timesheets. Work like an honest man, and leave on time.

Thursday, September 04, 2003 8:26 AM

Yesterday was an absolute disaster. I cannot shirk from the fact that I am hurting myself, accomplishing little at work, and generally acting like a disgrace.

Every time I forget the principle that I simply cannot go onto message boards from work, sooner or later everything goes to hell. I might be okay for a day or two, but generally no more. All kidding aside, all silly mental exercises aside, it is time to simply acknowledge this truth once and for all, now and forever. Amen, I guess.

But, that’s all there is to it. Moderation is not an option in this area of my life. Rather starkly put, but the absolute truth.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003 10:23 AM

Go. Away. Feels good to say that. Now I just gotta stick something positive in, do it right.

Stay focused, and walk away when temptation strikes.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003 9:39 AM

Okay, another day. If the slate is not precisely wiped clean, we at least have the opportunity to attack the issue facing us.

I can and I shall do better. I owe it to my employer and my clients to stop acting in such a fashion. I think I’m going to be writing a LOT in here today.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003 5:53 PM

****ed up this afternoon. Damn.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003 2:27 PM

Well, that didn’t go over very well. Drat. Gotta stay focused.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003 12:40 PM

Did piddle around, both on DA and on the Phora. I did keep it under control. But, I’d feel like **** if I got found out, as in over the shoulder found out. So, I gotta let it go.

Can I re-invent myself? I know I need to, know I want to. The question is how much do I want to. I have no satisfactory answer to that question, BTW.

Let’s try to have a message board free afternoon. No, better yet. Let’s have one. No try.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003 9:08 AM

Think of S. looking over your shoulder every second while you’re at work. That should motivate me in a negative way. Now all I need is to find out how to motivate myself in a positive way.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003 9:04 AM

Amazing how utterly banal stream of consciousness typing is. At least when it comes from my consciousness. Well, back from vacation, ready to let it rip.

Screwed up and didn’t’ update my planner. I think I’m going to bring the binder to work. I am mostly using it while at work.

Surprisingly a bit better now that I’m back. Much better attitude. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Thursday, September 25, 2003 5:00 PM

Going, going, gone. So much for a slow work day. Tomorrow, however, looks promising.

Thursday, September 25, 2003 4:02 PM

Two weeks with not a peek at any form of message board. Actually, two weeks plus. I feel better for not doing it, but do miss the discussions on occasion.

Thursday, September 25, 2003 4:00 PM

So much for running out of work. Looks like I’m going to be busy straight up until 5:00 at this rate. Would like to do journal today.

Thursday, September 25, 2003 10:39 AM

Am keeping focused. Have been so busy helping W out with her project did not do journal yesterday. She’s given me more crap to type today. Should be able to get through some of it here at work. Running out of work, but never seem to completely run out. Go figure. Hopefully by noon the well is completely dry, and I’ll do her stuff sub-rosa.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 2:05 PM

Been busy. Too busy to pee. Funny thing is, I could be running out of work shortly.

Have not been keeping up with my pledge to be more anal. These things happen.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 9:59 AM

Trying to get back into all the anal things: Using the FP, doing hourly updates on the watch beep.

God, is this return taking forever. Plus, there’s some stuff here I don’t even understand. Great.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 9:44 AM

Get off my rear end and get to work. Get cracking on lifting weights. Help the wife as much as I can with this massive project she’s doing.

So much that needs doing, and still I spend my time in a fog. Set your face to what needs doing and go do it. No dithering or useless fretting.

I wonder if after a month I will have no interest or desire to re-join the various message boards I’ve played at? Doubtless I have not been missed anywhere, but that’s not the point.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 5:04 PM

Time to go. Wish me luck at home tonight.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 12:38 PM

An unpleasant task looms before me. A confusing mess. But, I need to attack it, get through it, and move on. Time is money, and timesheets have a nasty way of being looked at, come review time.

Part of the reason why this return is a confusing mess is my own fault. Must admit that.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 9:14 AM

First day ever forgot to take the thyroid pill. Fortunately, turned out to be offsetting errors, as I had ordered and forgotten to pick up the pills yesterday. Went, got, took and we’re even. Who says two wrongs don’t make a right?

Funny how much this lack of radio access is affecting me. Used to be able to get at so much. Now down to four stations. Phooey. The only other thing I can think to do is uninstall and reinstall. But, I can’t do that with any of the bosses around.

Oh, and lets try to do better at sticking to the work today.

Monday, September 22, 2003 5:00 PM

Going home. I will do better tomorrow.

Monday, September 22, 2003 4:31 PM

I almost fell asleep at my desk. I have not been very productive this afternoon, to put it mildly. Am waking up a bit now, though. Hopefully I can put this return in shape to contact the client with questions.

I really, really, really want to go home now, though. How do I expect to lift weights this evening?

Have also been fighting the whole on-line temptation thing all afternoon. Have not failed, will not fail. At least I hope so.

Monday, September 22, 2003 2:35 PM

Ugh. I’m holding on, but barely.

Monday, September 22, 2003 2:00 PM

This is horrible. All of a sudden I feel like crap, no energy, and I feel like going to The Phora. Wonder if it is still up?

Monday, September 22, 2003 1:36 PM

Ouch. I’m tempted to go post. God, this is worse than caffeine. But, I shall persevere.

Monday, September 22, 2003 12:59 PM

I need to keep my focus a bit better.

Monday, September 22, 2003 10:08 AM

What an awful morning at work this has been. I hate the sort of thing where you need clarification from people before you can proceed. In the past this morning would have driven me to message boards. Well, I’m beyond that, at least until October sometime. I should figure out how many days left I’ve got. Well, I’ve done 11, and am in day 12. Oddly, the whole thing started at 10:08 AM, based upon this journal.

Friday, September 19, 2003 5:01 PM

Tired. Outta here.

Media player just died. Great. Wonder if this station is gone, too.

Friday, September 19, 2003 3:53 PM

Very busy today, but not accomplishing much. I wan to get out of here. My mind is not truly on my work. This happens every time I play Darkstone. Start off saying I’m going to take it slow, but then get silly with it. I was even hoping this’d last me the 30 days. Nope. Maybe play twice?

Friday, September 19, 2003 9:00 AM

I give up on fixing the Media. This sucks. I also won’t download RealPlayer, because that sucks even more, I believe it automatically loads spyware. So, I’ve four stations that work. Could be worse, I guess. Maybe I’ll stumble across some others, but I’m going to try to focus on getting work done for the next few days.

Friday, September 19, 2003 8:53 AM

Not feeling well today. Didn’t go jogging, pouring out. Feel like I’m gonna barf. Let’s see if I can get through 8 hours today. Yesterday afternoon was a disaster. Saying which, the less said the better. Couldn’t keep my mind on work, couldn’t stay focused.

Thursday, September 18, 2003 4:14 PM

On the DA thing, closed the window BEFORE the discussion board opened.

Thursday, September 18, 2003 4:07 PM

I’m tired and fading at the moment. Up too early or in bed too late. Not sure which. Just checked if DA is not blocked, and it isn’t. This whole Media Player thing is very odd. And irritating. I wanna listen to Radioio80s again.

Thursday, September 18, 2003 3:59 PM

What an awful afternoon. One frustration after another.

Thursday, September 18, 2003 1:17 PM

Just when I thought it was safe. Temptation struck again. The pathetic rationalizations, not even worth mentioning are just laughable. Hadn’t even thought about it for most of today, then the jones came on. Funny or pathetic, I’m not sure which.

I have not yielded. I will not yield. And, that’s all there is to it. However, I am also going to start counting down the days at some point. So, take that how you will.

Thursday, September 18, 2003 10:02 AM

Obviously have not been a good doobie with the hourly updates. I guess if I ever to wherever it is I hope to go, I’ll stop with this anyway. I have been busy. I have not truly been tempted to waste time on-line.

Rather depressed about my media player being crippled. Can no longer access most web radio stations, in fact as best I can tell I can only get to two. I get a server not responding message on all the others or it looks like its trying to hook in and just comes back to ready. Doubtless the other two will also go at some point. Tried to re-install Media Player and I got a message that the links were unavailable. Will try that a couple more times, but I’m wondering if that capability has been zapped as well.

Have also been bad about the Franklin Planner. Not sure what I can do to entice myself to use it again.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 3:30 PM

Interesting the way temptation to post comes out of the blue. This addiction is tougher to kick than caffeine.

Interesting that its been just over a week since I’ve gone silent.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 3:05 PM

I hate this return. Hate, hate, hate.

Beyond that, I really need to do a better job of being organized. This return has been a mess.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 9:42 AM

God, is this taking forever. Sucks.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 8:42 AM

What have I just done for the past 15 minutes? Certainly nothing of consequence. Need to do a better job keeping my nose to the grindstone.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 5:06 PM

Outta here. Need to do a better job with the planner. Sucks not having tunes, but it is nice not to be tempted.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 2:59 PM

This is the worst tax return ever. What a sack of excrement it is.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 10:16 AM

Still doing the bank rec from hell. A year’s worth of items. Stay focused, and see if I can’t run out of crap to do today. That’d be cool.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 8:22 AM

Day 2 with no internet access. LMAO. Resolve to be a good doobie, now unsure if employer is sick of my shenanigans and is blocking access or not. I still think not, because the network was down Monday. Well, we’ll see tomorrow when the LAN person checks it out. Don’t mind not having Outlook based e-mail either. Can’t imagine they meant to do that, although it might have been a byproduct of a shut down.

Should be able to run myself out of work today. Going to try to, anyway.

Humble Pie did 30 Days in the Hole, not Canned Heat.

I admire your struggle.:)

Originally posted by Unrepresented
Humble Pie did 30 Days in the Hole, not Canned Heat.

I admire your struggle.:)

Thanks! That had been bugging me off and on for a bit.

Hey, at least I got the Frampton bit right. :)

Indeed it is a struggle.


30 Days In the Hole
(Marriott)

Roll my tape
Ooh, ooh, ooh

Thirty days...
Anyone doin' that one?
I'm doin' that one


30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole

all right all right all right all right, yeah

Chicago Green, talkin' 'bout Black Lebanese
A dirty room and a silver coke spoon
Give me my release, come on
Black napalese, it's got you weak in your knees
Sneeze some dust that you got buzzed on
You know it's hard to believe

30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
That's what they give you
30 days in the hole
I know

Newcastle Brown, I'm tellin' you, it can sure smack you down
Take a greasy ***** and a rollin' dance floor
It's got your head spinnin' round
If you live on the road, well there's a new highway code
You take the urban noise with some dirt with poison
It's gonna lessen your load

30 days in the hole
That's what they give you now
30 days in the hole
Oh, yeah
30 days in the hole
All right, all right
30 days in the hole

What you doin' boy?
You here for 30 days
Get, get, get your long hair cut
And cut out your ways

Black napalese, it got you weak in your knees
Gonna sneeze some dust that you got busted on
You know it's so hard to please
Newcastle Brown can sure smack you down
You take a greasy ***** and a rollin' dance floor
You know you're jailhouse-bound

30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
Oh, yeah
30 days in the hole
30 days, 30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole
30 days in the hole