Three women die together in a accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here...don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidently steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidently steps on a duck, and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man and he chains them together for the same
punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all of this; and, not wanting the
same punishment, is very careful where she steps. She goes for
months without stepping on any ducks, when one day St. Peter comes up
to her with the most handsome man she has ever seen. St. Peter chains t hem together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve having been chained to you for all of eternity?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I don't know what you did;
but, I stepped on a duck!"

A policeman pulls over a car with a middle aged couple.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the cop asks
"WHAT?" the wife says, making it obvious she can't hear very well.
The husband turns to her and says "HE WANTS TO KNOW IF I KNEW I WAS SPEEDING!"

"Can I see your driver's license?" the cop asks
"WHAT?" says the wife, again the husband turns to her and says "HE WANTS TO SEE MY LICENSE."

He hands the cop the license. The cop examines it and say "Your from Pittsburgh?"
"Lived there all my life." the man said and smiled. The cop muttered "I had the worst sex of my life in Pittsburgh."
"WHAT?" the wife hollers. The husband turns to his wife and says "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"