Well here is the place to listen to my inate ramblings :) thoughts that I have and need to get out but have no one to listen to. So I will make anyone who reads this hear my stupidness :D here we go...

Something that I have noticed about myself lately is that I know exactly what I want and am happy with myself. I enjoy my company but sometimes it gets lonly here by myself. It would be great to have someone to snuggle up with on long cold nights. But it seems I can't find anyone like me. (Well there is one and I can't wait for him to move down here so we can get together.) I am going to take this rant from before I found Robb, so here goes. I find that being myself and knowing what I want when I want it and not expecting anything from anyone, but at the same time showing them and giving them what I want from them, scares other people beyond words. So many people don't know who they are or what they want anymore. I just don't get how you can not know who you are. I mean when I was younger I tried to fit in and be what other people liked. But that just didn't make me happy. I had to learn who I was and what I wanted out of life for myself. And I am the first one to admit I have made some mistakes. But who hasn't? That is what life is, making mistakes screwing up and learning from the hurt and pain, is it not? All I can seem to find are people who are dependant on me. They need something from me. They aren't happy with just being with me it is always gifts and constantly showing and telling how much we love eachother. I mean at first that is what happens when you love someone you tell them as many times as you can. But after a couple months you both just know that you love eachother and you say it when you meet up and part. Maybe a couple times while your together. Just not every time you open your mouth. I mean seriously who are you trying to convince besides yourself when you say it so many times over and over? And so many people just can't make up their minds and cheat on other people. That is something I will never understand. How you can love someone so much that you want to spend your life with them and then go off and share the same emotions and events with a stranger that you do the one you love. How is that possible? I don't know. The more I think about things the harder it is to want to go out and sleep with someone because I am horny. You know for a lot of people their college years are spent on one night stands and casual sex. I just can't do that. It means too much to me. Why would I give myself a taste of something I cannot have making myself crazy knowing that it is forbidden? I would rather have the cow than get the milk for free.

Another thing...

I have figured out that I don't really believe in true love anymore
:( It is pointless no one feels like I do. Well I shouldn't say that because actually lately there seems to be one. But I don't know if he really sees things how I am seeing them. And I don't want to **** things up by asking stupid questions. So I will let things pan out the way they will. One thing I have learned... You can never expect anything from anyone else. It always leads to disappointment. The only person you can ever really count on is you. And I would rather regret something I did do rather than regretting something I didn't. Bah I think way too much. I need to learn how to keep my mind quiet.

*floats happily* well true love might exist yet! I found a person with whom I can talk about anything and everything and not be worried that he will run away screaming. He knows all of the things I keep hidden inside. I tell him exactly how I feel and he responds with his. I am so *sighs and knows she sounds nuts* in love with him. I am pretty sure it is the fact that he and I have been friends and don't expect something sexual. Well we are both attracted to the other imensly, but it didn't start as something sexual. It has been about being friends first and foremost. I have come to see him as someone I can open up to and share myself with. Yet I also feel that he shares himself with me as well. That he isn't holding himself back from me. And I find that the more I tell him and the more I hear about him the closer we become. I am amazed that I feel something this deep. *dreams of her sweet kiwi* Something he said last night made me think... he said something to the effect of him being there and not going away because I am what he wants. It just made me think that he is sincere. He loves all of me not just certain parts. He has heard the good the bad and the worst yet still wants me. *grins like a fool*

Who's this guy anyway? He sounds too good to be true...

*grabs the other guy and hugs him* gee I wonder. but that is exactly what i have thought... but im not going to let that stop me from getting my him who is my He. and from what I know the love of my life...

Scratch that last comment he actually was the worst person for me yet... he ****ed me over more than he will ever know... but I think I might have found a REAL man. One who is so much like me that it scares me...

Yeah he and I are so much alike it is scary... but it is a good thing because we have made it farther than anyone in my past and he and I have more than just a relationship based on sex because we got to know eachother and said i love you long before and after i gave it to him. And it doesnt matter what we do as long as we are together.... *looks longingly at the warm soft sexy man sleeping behind her* yeah now THAT is what true love is all about.

Wow I am nuts... I just read all of the things that I wrote in here... and well I don't know how I could ever have thought the other two guys were ever anything like the man I am sharing my life with now. They all had their hang ups and attitudes... granted my love has his moments but we can't seem to stay mad at eachother, we just get mad think about it appologize and "put the past behind us" it is a healthy way to do things (or so I am told) and it is amazing to know that we have made it a year and still are working and growing together to make ourselves happier. Granted we have had a few problems along the way with porn and other girls... and knowing that I am bisexual and find women attractive in a strictly sexual way doesn't help things out...I can't seem to understand that men feel the same way about them... does anyone know if men can really be attracted to a chubby girl and the porn girls for different reasons? I mean 1) he looks at the porn for the body... 2) he looks at my body and gets turned on (it is NOTHING like the girls in porn) 3) he says that it is the mind behind the body... "and god what a ****ing sexy body it is *nibbles neck and proceeds to grab and make naughty bits excited*" at least that is what happens like 50 times a day *blush* but it is nice. I just worry that he really does want those girls in the pictures and that I am just the temporary thing that will keep him semi happy unitl he finds that perfect girl... but he has told me that I am perfect for him... is that really possible? Guess we will find out in the long run. But F.Y.I. this has been the happiest year of my life and I never want it to end.

I think that it's not only the body, but just body language, and how people carry themselves. That's not to say he doesn't think you look hot, but in essence, it's the mind and personality behind it, that you show by your body language. Just like you are attracted to women for purely sexual reasons, so is he to porn women.

Yeah I know but it is hard to see it when someone you love and are sexual with finds someone else attractive

He will always find other people attractive, as will you. It's when you guys act on those feelings that things get nasty. And that's where you get into the fundamentals of a relationship- trust.

I agree. I have been thinking about things and I understand it now. Thanks :D

Scratch that last comment he actually was the worst person for me yet... he ****ed me over more than he will ever know... but I think I might have found a REAL man. One who is so much like me that it scares me...

You know he's not just some bad experience in the past. He has a life and a voice of his own, and he got fúcked up too. (although this explains why you blocked him on msn) He's currently living in London, and having a great time.

He's glad you're happy.

*in hopes TOG will read this even though it is a year late* I know he had a life and a voice of his own and I know he got ****ed up. But there are some things that a man can't do to someone who has problems in her past. There are ways that a girl has developed dealing with certain things. And when a guy tells her that she cant do them and gets upset and says things he may not mean that does not help her deal with things any better, in fact it tends to make the girl do something she may truely regret but cant fix because she has moved on and put a lot of things behind her. I wish that things had turned out differently for me and him but if a guy cant really think about what is best for his girl when he would rather her do things his way because they work for him is very selfish. I cant stand selfish people that dont put the thoughts and feelings of other people, especially the ones they love the most (or so they say), into concideration. It can hurt somone really badly. And I am greatful that the guy I have now has always been kind and just listend when I needed a shoulder, and never told me to not deal with things my way. I am lucky that he and I are alike in that department, as in if we are having a bad day or have something bad going on just let us vent and do what we need to do. *sighs* But then again according to each person in a past relationship it was the other persons fault. So I am absolving this problem and am now officially never talking about any of my past relationships again in serious detail.

People are often stupid. They make mistakes. When they're in pain, they can be selfish when they know they should be selfless. It's not always easy to be perfect. That's why understanding is important when they're not.

Good luck to you both.

Well I have decided that I can't trust people with my feelings, I get a "good" one and he cheats and lies to me about his entire past. Well **** thing. I wish I could go back and ****ing change a lot of things in my past and do what I should have. Oh well I guess it is too late for "I'm sorry"s so I will just try and be the best person I can be and not make the mistakes I have made in the past. *sings* So here I go with the bass line low...

*In hopes that TOG will read this one as well* I have done a lot of sould searching and thinking and dealing with the things in my past and I regret a lot of things that I have and haven't done. I just wish that I could go back and tell myself what I know now and what I should have done. I have realized that I was... and I still am a bit ****ed up. I wish I could appologize to everyone that I ****ed over. But I know from personal experience that forgiving someone is the hardest thing to do. *sigh* well life needs a manual.

I have found out that even the ones who say the things you long to hear seem to be the first ones to go back on their word. I am so ashamed that I let things go so long with a person who the whole time was lying, cheating, and ignoring me. We almost got married. That would have been the biggest mistake in my entire life. The person I loved so much didn't even care enough about me to put my feelings into concideration when we spoke. The man that I gave everything to, my heart body, soul, energy, and everything that I am... he chose to lie to me about everything he ever told me. He told me he was a virgin... a year later it became 2 women... now it became somewhere between 5-10 girls. He told me he was only in 3 relationships where he messed around... turns out now it was between 15-20 he "can't remember". I remembered what I thought was a joke the first day we went out... "so what do we do now?" 'wanna go to a motel *laugh*'... and I said "so how much should I bet that if I went to a hotel with you that first night that you would have never bothered to call me again?" he said "yeah you are probably right". What kind of piece of **** says something like that? He told me "within 5 seconds of you opening your mouth I know whether or not I am going to pay attention to what you say" and I was supposed to be ok with it and forgive him. Let me just say that he is invalid and sometimes can't make it to the bathroom... now at 3 in the morning who is the one who had to get up and clean things up do the wash and change the sheets? sure as hell not him. But does that mean anything to him? Hell no. I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, made sure that he was happy (while most of the time being miserable myself), ran myself ragged to make sure that he was taken care of hand and foot, and what do I get? I get someone who tells me he doesn't care enough about anyone but himself to make sure I am ok when I have gone back to my old ways (cutting). It is sad when your fiances sister cares more about you when you get in a car accident than your fiance... I just can't understand why I punished myself by being with a person that couldn't even give me a hug or care about whether or not I enjoyed making love. I almost married the epitome of men's worst habits. He couldn't eat a meal with out his mouth being open, burping and farting... but I let that go because he could be a good guy. Two years in a row I got nothing for my birthday or valentines day. Never once did he do anything for me other than give me heart ache... I can't help but cry for how stupid I was not to have seen all of this. Now I am supposed to wait and be here while he tries to find out "who" he is. I am supposed to wait and see if he can better himself so I can forgive him. Because it is what HE wants... f**k that!!! I am done with all of that. I need to do something for me now. I made myself miserable for a person who can't get it through his head that when you LOVE someone you care more about them than you do for yourself. I hurt someone that I really loved because I was hurt. I tried to hide everything and got myself caught up in something that was a sham. I wish that I could go back and tell this guy to go f*** him self and go to hell. This man who I made myself sick for, losing weight because he was looking and flirting with hot girls, the guy who would flirt with girls in front of me and say "what did I do? i was just talkikng" the guy who used everyone's sympathy as a cruch because he hates who he really is. I am so scared of being on my own and screwing up my life... *sighs* I just can't keep up this torture anymore. I am done with being the one that has to put herself on the line so someone else can be happy. I need to do something for me now. I really do. I found myself again and I know what I want out of life. This is the first time in almost what.... 2 and a half years that I feel hopeful and not feel like I need to bow to someone's will? I made the first step by quitting his father's office. I made the second step by getting a job of my own and getting a car and finding a place to crash while I put money away for my own place. This guy is 31 and still living in his father's house working for his father's company, letting his father control his life, and he is totally happy not to have to be an adult. And you know what? He is figuring out what he has lost, and it is nice to be able to make him feel the pain of loss. He has never been dumped before. And you know he is getting what he deserves. I feel better. I know what I have to do now.

Nobody ever loves another in an exactly perfect amount. They either love too little or love too much. The latter is a far more forgivable offense. Remember that when you meet someone new.

Ha! I don't want to meet someone new. I am tired of putting too much faith in people and expecting too much from others and then being a terrible person when they can't live up to unreal expectation.

So expect little or nothing from people and let them surprise you for a change. As for faith, you don't need that so much if you want someone to make the nights less lonely.

I have to expect little or nothing from people it is the only way that I am not disappointed and sad in life. And I have come to realize that it is everyone in life that you can't depend on (I.E. friends, family, coworkers, anyone you come across) not just the people that you are in a serious relationship with. Everyone has their own happiness in mind and could care less how they treat you or how their words or actions impact other people. I need to become a person that just doesn't care about other people ever. I need to learn the art of being a cold hard bitch all the time and not letting my guard down, ever. *sigh* oh well I am just tired of everything, one job doesn't cut it so I have to get second, that means little sleep and no time to myself. I just don't know what I am going to do. It just seems like it isn't worth the trouble anymore.

Wow it is amazing how much two people can grow up but still stay the same in two and a half years.

I hope you're happy about that kind of thing...