9/9/99

Cast the perils aside,
of a simple life in need.
Plant a seed of love,
For love in bloom is suicide.

All the pain and sorow I knew.
The hatred and guilt too.
Was all revealed when I looked at you.
The pain ran deep.
But I knew it would not keep.
This sorrow I feel,
I can no loner conceal.

A simple mind.
A simple heart.
The complex goal.
The never ending battle of soul.

Pain;
Love;
Hate;
Sorrow.
Life.

The jagged blade,
the price I paid.
A life in ruin,
was over so soon.
The crimsons hue,
was so intense and new.
With every pass of the blade to his skin,
each cut having a twin.
His beautiful pain,
was all that kept him sane.
His hate and sorrow,
never had a 'morrow.

-Dedicated In Loving Memory of Kevin 2003

No one cares,
that why all the stares?
Is it I who is the freak?
That was labled a geek?
All of the attention I have begotten,
cannot soon be forgotten.
Cruel, insulting, hating,
allways escalating.
Can anyone ever be truely relating?

They say they care,
but it seems more than they can bare.
Why do they feel the need to make fools?
Putting themselves on their pedestals.

I sit down to ponder,
letting my mind wonder.
This joylessness that has become my existence,
is more like a prison death sentence.
Sometimes intigrated;
yet always emancipated.

The place in my heart,
seems the only place to start.

How did this all begin?
This battle within.

How was I to know?
I would be the one to reap what others sew.

This world so unfair,
sometimes seems worth less than it's trouble to bare.

I am restless as the night grows cold. My feelings and emotions run wild as my mind tries to calm. Memories of nights long passed, flow through me causing pain and agony. The slight memory of his voice brings tears to myeyes. The photograph my mind took of us so happy in love, causes me to whimper and sob. I try to push them out of my mind yet they linger to tourture my waking hours as I try willing myself to sleep.

Just so anyone reading this knows this thread isnt all current poems it is a collection of my past writtings and will contain new ones as I write them. I will more than likely include authors notes along with the newer ones.

I usually like to write a bit about what I was feeling as I write so I can go back and remember. The past entries so far were from my 9th grade year and I don't remember what I was feeling.

12/18/02

Oh how i long for release,
Yet run from it still, as each knot is set in place,
The terror that consumes me as release draws near,
The quiver and shake of my thighs as my heart feels the breath of the dagger of love along the ropes,
The quickening of my breathing as I watch the ropes begin to losen along a single hairline slit.
The frear that grips my hands bound behind my back,
The feel of the tough hemp rubbing along the soft flesh of my wrist,
biting, gnawing and reddening my tender, skin the pleasure that flows along my senses,
As I twist and try to stay within my bonds, bound like a simple captive yearning to keep tied.
I shy away from the freedom that with it love brings.
The sense of release and relief I long to have scares me, Yet the ropes and binds I am in bring with them a sense of comfort and knowing.
This feeling I have come to know,
The comfort and tightness of the ropes, the burn of them soothing me as I twist and turn,
Wounds that have healed and toughend with time.
The comfort that has settled to a feeling of uncertainty, "is this what I want for eternity?"the thought echos through my mind,
Looking longinly at the people around so content and joyous with one another,
I think to myself while still bound "That is what I have longed for ever since I can remember"
What is wrong with me that I cant get that? So much of me I have given so empty my life seems.
How I long for some one to love, to have them love me in return, have their love and happiness take the place of my bonds.

Sorgen Sie sich sich über mir nicht. Ich bin nicht wort die Schwierigkeit. Befürchten Sie daß das Verletzen von mir nicht. Der Schaden ist schon gemacht worden. Bedauern Sie, was Sie gemacht haben nicht. Für ich haben rejoyce in der Zeit wir geteilt. Für, wenn wir jene Zeit nicht geteilt hätten, haben wir die Lektionen wir nicht gelernt hätten gelernt. Aber ich verlasse Sie ein descision zu machen..


Es ist, ob Sie mich wirklich vergessen, ob Sie zu mir zurückkommen, ist auf Ihnen.


Translate here with cut and paste (http://ets.freetranslation.com/)

~Beauty~
The beauty is not in the clothes you wear,
The figure you carry, or the way comb your hair.
The beauty of must be seen from your eyes,
Because that is the doorway to your heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty is not in your skin,
But true beauty is reflected in your soul.
It is the caring that you lovingly give,
The passion that you show.
The beauty that you have,
With passing years -- only grows.

I am not like the full kettle you keep on the back burner hot, full and ready to pour out when you need a full warm cup of tea to heal a sore throat.
I am not like the raincoat you keep in your closet to pull out when you need protection from harsh conditions.
I am not like the hankercheif you keep in the bottom of your pocket to pull out and relieve you after a long cry.
I am not like the occasional glass of wine you drink to brighten your spirits after a tough day at work.
I am not like the journal you use to write your feelings down then forget for months at a time.
I refuse to let you treat me like an object of convenience; to be used at your every whim or desire. I demand to be treated with respect and know that you are not a fair weather friend. I expect to have things said be true and I expect promises to be kept. I will not tolerate being second fiddle to a drink or a good time. I wont be here forever. For someday you will find that I am not here. One can only take so much of being forgotten and ignored. One can only take so much of people using them. One can only take so much before they snap.

And when the day arrives,
I'll become the sky
and I'll become the sea.

And the sea will come to kiss me
for I am going home .

Nothing can stop me now.

-Trent Reznor

This love feels so right,
something tells me to sit tight.
Wait it out,
even though at times I want to yell out.
My body, mind and soul long for his affection,
no one else could ever attain his perfection.
Two people who dream of a great love,
with nothing to be afraid of.
Both feeling a deep promising bond,
both seeming to the other, to always know how to respond.

A part of you has grown in me;
together forever we shall be.
Never apart, maybe in distance;
but never in heart.

This is the poem I had published.


A soft kiss, and a gentle caress.
A velvety whisper, a slight stutter.
The waves of feelings brought on,
causes a riot within the soul.
A quiet moment spent in anothers arms,
pulse quickened senses on alert.
How can one be made to feel,
feelings one assumed were lost?
When one gives up on themsevles,
feeling worthless and alone.
How can another make them feel,
emotions never considered theirs?
With a simple glance,
across a crowded room.
One can be made to feel,
whole and loved.
All of a sudden one can feel,
that theirs is a life worth living.