Ok I have lost my mind. Litterally it was in my head and now it's gone. I think I lost it the moment I found this out...

Anywho... Well I just realized that my time here on this place we call home is just as fragile as anyone elses. My friend in Nevada (sorry Zach thought it was AZ for some reason) killed himself two months ago and this whole time his parents have kept it from me. Just found out today. I didn't get to say goodbye or anything. Any ideas on why his mother thinks I had something to do with it? I can't figure that one out. I haven't seen him in years but we kept in touch via email and phone. Now she tells me that I have a lot of nerve calling to talk to him when I know he was dead. I actually almost laughed at her thinking it was a joke. Then she told me he had tried to OD on muscle relaxers slit his wrists then shot himself. I have no clue why he had to make it so gruesome. But my gods he was so non violent and not for anything like that. Such a violent end to a sweet kind guy who just thought he wasn't worth the trouble.

God I don't know how to deal with this right now. This on top of the other **** makes me want to go become a hermit live in a hole somewhere and make everyone leave me alone so I can't get attatched to anyone. Seems that once I do they always leave or die. Wtf is up with that?

That's terrible!

I remember for a while I wanted desperately to die, but I stuck it out and stayed alive because I knew the pain I'd be causing my friends and loved ones. That didn't stop me from losing weight and watching apathetically as my hair fell out.

Any ideas on why his mother thinks I had something to do with it?
Well, did he have feelings for you? Very frequently suicide attempts are sparked by problems with the opposite sex.

--Mark

OMG, I am sorry that you had to lose a friend that way. Just remember that most people when they are depressed become completely different in personality and manerisms.

Also try to remember that his mother is probably going through a lot of guilt, pain, and grief right now. She would probably lash out at anyone.

I hope that things get better for you. -Jay

I don't know if he had real feelings for me or not. We have known eachother since I was in kindergarden. He was my oldest friend he and I grew up together. He was my first kiss when we were 8 (we were boyfriend and girlfriend for a week, then he wanted a divorce cuz girls had cooties) But when he moved to Nevada it was hard we were 11 and we talked on the phone once in a while. But when I finally moved to Cali when I was 12 we went by his house and I saw him. We spent the day just running around and playing tag like we had. He gave me his power rangers sweat shirt and I gave him my teenage mutant ninja turtles blanket. He still has it. He had it. He came to visit me the summer after we turned 14 right before we went to highschool. I remember he and I sat on the beach (his frist trip to the beach actually) and we sang stupid songs that we had made up. The one about the dong under the stairs that kept the tiger in his closet away. Then he pushed me into the seaweed patch that had washed up on shore, it was so funny I grabbed a bunch and pretended I was a monster. We ended upscaring all the little kids in the water cuz he yelled "MONSTER!!!!" and I ran around screaming "AAARRGHHH!!!" He peed his pants laughing that time. It was so funny. (wow as I am writing this the wind is really strong I opend my window and it feels like it is going to push the building over. god I love the wind, if only there would be some good thunder) I miss him so much. I can't believe he isn't going to be here on my birthday. He promised me that we would go get our matching tattoo's (his b-day is two days before mine) and now he won't be here. We got our tounges pierced the same day (different states, but same day) and he promised me god damnit. He swore that he would be here and he's not. I am so mad. But I'm more mad at myself for not knowing something was wrong. He was my best friend. I should have known. But I didn't. And now I don't even get to say goodbye. I hate his mother right now. She didn't even invite me to the funeral. I am never going to talk to her again.*sighs* I really hope it wasn't because of me. I don't know if I could seriously handle it if he killed himself because of me.

Well, I certainly don't see anything there that would indicate you were somehow involved in his decision. That sucks, it's always tough when a good friend dies. Do you have friends in common with him you can talk to about it?

--Mark

No not really. The only friends we both had were in Colorado. But that was when we were really little. I don't know his friends in Nevada. But his mom is going to email me some of his online journals that he kept private so I will know more either tomorrow or the next day. *scratches head* I better get some answers or I swear Kevin I am going to come and hunt your spirit ass down and make you talk... *growls* He better get that.