Pay back Time!
For all men who like to send blonde jokes, the pay backs are
here!
The ladies speak up!

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does
it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop and ask for directions.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds will eventually mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and good looking?

They already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night?
A widow.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

Why are married women usually heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the
fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Tape the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man?
"I must be able to do better than THAT!"

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
common?
They're all married.

Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
"But, God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says, "......so she would love you!"


* I suppose Now it is the guys time.

Why are race tracks round?

So men don't need to stop and ask for directions!!!


Great post Princess!

And here I used to think you were such a sweet girl:D LMAO!!!

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one - he holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.



To even it out....

Why did the woman cross the road?

Thats not the point - why wasnt she in the kitchen?!

Rayne

Why is there such a variety of wedding dresses (colors and such)?


-So the Dishwasher can match the oven (you know women are picky about that kind of stuff)

why are girls feet shorter than guys?
so they can get closer to the counter

how many guys does it take to open a can of beer?
none, it should be open when she brings it to you

can't think of any more.. except for my personal fav.

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
I already told you twice

"Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring
and good looking?

They already have boyfriends."

Thats right.:p
Heres some:

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said ''I haven't eaten anything in four days.'' She looked at him and said, ''God, I wish I had your willpower."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): ''My wife's an angel!''
Second guy: ''You're lucky, mine's still alive.''

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'' And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying.''

The bumper sticker read: ''I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
--------
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him.
He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
----

A married couple both lost their jobs, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.

"$398.10," she said.

"Who paid ten cents?" he asked.

"Everybody."
------
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"
----------
An old couple was renting a room in their house. And a model came by and rented the room because she worked at an agency close by.

There's just one problem, "explained the model."Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself.""

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic Area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
---------
A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law said, “What the hell are you doing?” “I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a while, so I wore it.” So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”
She goes home and her husband wasn't home yet, so she undressed. Two hours went by and finally she heard her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the **** are you doing?” “I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife. “Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Hey, didn't I see you in Vegas?

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and bitch.

I dated a feminists for awile. She dumped me because I opened the car door for her... course we were doing 55 at the time!:D

What's the definition of a wife? A backup date.

Bumper sticker: Istill miss my ex-wife...but my aim is getting better!

Bumper sticker: How do I spell relief? D_I_V_O_R_C_E!

LMAO! Looks like your thread is being over-run Heather:D:D You gals gonna sit back and take that? *stirs up the pot*

God created woman, and she was beautiful - two big eyes, full lips, and three breasts. And God said to her 'Is there anything about yourself that you'd like me to change?' And the woman looked at herself and said, 'Well, there is one thing - I'd like to have only two breasts.' So God said, 'Ok, done,' and he removed her third breast. Then God looked at the third breast and said 'Hmm...what should I do with this useless boob?' And God created man.

A chemical analysis of women
WOMAN
(A Chemical Analysis)

Element: woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 - 180 lbs.

Occurence: surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1) suface usually covered in painted film
2) boils at nothing, freezes without reason
3) melts if given proper treatment
4) bitter if used incorrectly
5) found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common 'ore

Chemical Properties:
1) possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious
stones
2) able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances
3) may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male
4) insoluable in liquids but activity greatly increased by saturation
in alcohol
5) yields to pressure applied to correct points

Uses:
1) highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2) most powerful money-reducing agent known
3) can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests:
1) pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state
2) turns green if placed beside a better specimen

Caution:
1) highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2) illegal to posses more than one except in certain areas
(Utah, etc.)


I thought this fit nicely into this thread.:D

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
---Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how
are you?" ---Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick
and tired of putting up with her shit. ---Men's Room,
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and
doesn't die.
---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman,
Montana

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas,
Texas

Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers
---Inside toilet stall door, Men's restroom

Express Lane: Five beers or less
---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills, CA

You're too good for him. ---Sign over mirror in
Women's restroom, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hill,

No wonder you always go home alone.
---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills,CA

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast
plate open. ---Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign,
IL

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you
can't take a dump here. Your ******* is in
D.C.---Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma,
Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.---Perkins Library,
Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my
standards.---Houghton Library, Harvard University,
Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of
life, then let's all get wasted together and have the
time of our lives. ---Armand's Pizza, Washington,
D.C.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
---The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.---Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be
illegal. ---Revolution Books, New York, New York

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is
in your hands. ---Men's restroom, Lynagh's,
Lexington, KY

How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

Travel is very educational. I can now say Kaopectate
in seven different languages.

Home is where you can say anything you like cause
nobody listens to you anyway.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like
having a peeing section in a swimming pool? (RIGHT
ON!!!)

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just by standing up really fast.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer
or a moaner.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system,
Jesus would have had only ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too
many of them get elected.

I have learned there is little difference in
husbands/wives; you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and The
Jerk's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals
you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me
horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran
out of quarters.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones
she's been giving me latelly!

How come we choose from just two people for president
and 50 for Miss America?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty
percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's
wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where
its been."

How do we know God is a man?

Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste of chocolate.

This is pretty funny and fits this thread.

A man walks into a supermarket and buys:


1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner


The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you are ****ing ugly.

Here's ome real male bashing.

30 Harsh Things to Say to a Naked Guy


1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other
talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people
on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.