:confused: I met a guy this weekend and he was awesome-funny,cute,outgoing but he has a son. Am I a bitch for not wanting to be anything but his friend now that I know this? I just can't see myself being with someone with a child already because there is always an ex or a babies mamma to deal with. Not only that, but children are a real special thing and I just want that to be a first me and my future husband share together. I know shit happens and it could have been me unmarried with a child. Am I being rational?

Then be prepared to have lot's of "friends" and few dates.

In the year I've been "single", every female with ANY potential had a trophy or two tagging behind. The older you get, the more likely it's going to be the case.

Heck, get used to it. It's sad, but the days of falling in love and starting a family (and seeing it through!) are about over. There are just too many distractions out there.

Find someone wonderful to fall in love with and THEN work on falling for the kids.

I dont blame you. I live in washington, and for those who are not aware, it is single mother area. Many girls, some hot, are single mothers at a young age. Usually it is so they can grab onto a guy they love, or they 'feel the need' for children. But the guy will leave anyhow, and then the girls are looking for new guys. I will not, under any reason, date or sleep with a single mom. I did not fuk up my life, so I could have fun. If she decided to have kids thats fine, but she can't also be with me.

Some people will try to say it is shallow or some crap, but I want sex, not kids. If I was a smoker, some people would not want to be around me. I don't want to be around any screaming kids.

I personally can very much appreciate that. As a single man with a child I know it is a lot for someone else to take on. I would rather someone be honest with me and themself in the beginning instead of down the road saying that they can't handle it.

I'm a single dad . . . and I don't expect someone I'm dating to "put up with" my son. That's not my priority. My SON is the priority and not if some chick can handle him.

Basically, I wouldn't bring my son around anyone I don't trust, anyway. I'd take it as a compliment if a single mom treated me the same way i.e. she trusts me enough to be around her daughter (especially if she's hot! LOL! ;)).

Here's something to think about, though, guys. Maybe a single mom HAS screwed up her life (and knows what NOT to do now), and maybe that little bimbo you're pumping hasn't screwed up her life . . . YET! Remember, the guy who knocked up the last girl probably didn't want to date a girl with kids, either . . . and that's why she got knocked up.

It's a dual argument either way you look at it.

I think durden is right *again* everyone wants something perfect.. but think how much this chick has learned, and if you show her it doesn't bother you.. which it shouldn't.. then it shows your a better guy then one that doesn't understand that bad things happen

Thanks Wedge, but it's not about being "right" . . . all my things are perception.

A lack of a child just means you're not pregnant . . . yet. It could mean that she's smart enough to take care of herself and is selective about her men. Or, it could mean she's on the pill because it would be a tragedy to have her father knock her up. Who knows until you find out . . . and if you DO, it's probably too late . . . you either like her or you don't.

I'm 32, so, yeah, most of the "single" people around my age have kid(s) and ex-whatevers. I've come to learn to expect it and not to worry about it. Maybe if I was 18, I'd be VERY wary of dating some chick with a kid, but, heck, who's to say what she's REALLY after.

I think it's a MAJOR misconception to believe that young (16-22) girls with kids are looking to trap a father. From my experience, most single girls that young with kids are making up for the year or so they were out of pocket. Basically, they've got grandma and grandpa watching the papoose while they go out and party hard. I saw that happen to most of my ex's friends and, to a degree, that's what happened to my marriage.

But let me throw this out . . . if you shun some chick for having a baby young, do you also admonish your guy friends for spreading their seed, as well?

I know I sometimes I tell myself that cop-out phrase "if it was meant to be between us, she won't have a kid".. and most guys see young girls with kids as too much baggage.. but you never know.. I believe nothing happens by accident, you didn't meet her by accident.. just gaurd you on feelings..

"If it's meant to be, it will happen" i.e. Young Adultese for "I care but I don't want to put any effort forth . . " :D

being honest with myself months ago.. I found I only wanted one thing.. a girl to do all the work..

as funny as that may seem, it was true.. it is very childish.. and no relationship will mean anything unless you want to put the effort into it..

well I may be wrong but I am still learning

imo, I would not only not be around a single mom because she had a kid, but I also believe that many women do not "learn from their mistakes" when it comes to this.

"Maybe a single mom HAS screwed up her life (and knows what NOT to do now)"

She may have had a kid with one guy to trap him, and that did not work. But she could have this thought: "My last boyfriend was a jerk, and left me with a kid. But if I have a baby with this new guy, I know he will say. And he will take care of both of my babies, and my bills. It will be a little more work for me with one more kid, but I can be just a mother, and not have to have a job too." ...Its a bit of an extreme, but those women are out there.

I think some of the better relationships *can* come from two single parents getting together. Because they are already in the same boat.

"But let me throw this out . . . if you shun some chick for having a baby young, do you also admonish your guy friends for spreading their seed, as well?"

Different situation. The girl has the choice to have a kid. A life choice, completely under her control. Guys just want sex, and I do let them know how stupid they are, if they do not use protection.

As for me, I search for safe sex and fun. No relationships or kids. Many regret not doing so, and leave their marriage to have the experience.

"and most guys see young girls with kids as too much baggage"

Girls have enough baggage as it is, kids are like a final straw. Sure, we men do a lot for sex, but I know I have standards.

"and if you show her it doesn't bother you.. which it shouldn't.. then it shows your a better guy then one that doesn't understand that bad things happen."

First off, why shouldn't it bother us? At least the young guys. How much fun, and sex, can you have with a girl who has to take care of little billy? Then the girl down the street has plenty of free time, I know which one is the easier choice. But if you dont mind a challenge, and giving up some factors, I guess you could go for it.

And "bad things happen" is bullshit. No offense, but if a girl does not want to have a child, she will not. While men have a choice right now of only condoms (about 75-80% effective), women have many choices, and most of them are 99% effective. Then, if there is a mistake, she can get the morning after pill. Then, after that point, she can get an abortion pill. And after that she could get an abortion.

I understand she may not because of religious or personal beliefs. But you can not just say "bad things happen."

Well, if you're just looking for cheap, meaningless sex, a prostitute is the biggest "bang" for the buck.

That or a sheep . . .

:D

the only thing I have learned in my life from work.. never ever get a prostitute.. you can get it for free

:confused: Thank y'all for all of the imput. I am still not sure what to do. I think I am gonna have to hang out with him a little more before I decide if I am going to not date him because of the kid factor. I guess I should be glad that he is willing to own up to the fact that he does have a responsibility and not be a dead beat dad!

Slacker, you're pretty young aren't ya?

Dave, the only thing I see with what you're saying...it is from a totally different perspective than me at 20. I do not know how old Slacker is...

But for me...getting involved with a girl with a kid is just something I don't want to do. Though I am a big fan of letting emotions determine things, so if the emotion is there I probably still would, but at my age...not likely.

wasn't today his birthday?:confused:

I am 22 toady. :D I am a girl by the way Wedge!

I thought I knew you were a girl, I guess for some reason I can't see a girl as a "slacker"

sorry about that.. :)

I am not really a slacker but procrastinator is too long of a word!:)

Alrighty then...I tried my best, but I just can't stop myself. I'm getting the vibe that kids are a BAD thing. Let me just say, as a young mother, and possibly a future single mom, that children are a blessing. I DO NOT belive that any child is a mistake. The situation the child is conceived in may not always be ideal, but let's remember that it's NEVER the child's fault. So the guy you like has a kid, so what? Does that make him less attractive? Less fun to be around? My guess to both is no. Everyone has responsibilities. Could be an addiction, a sick parent/relative, a disease...there will always be something about someone you don't like. But if that person is worth it, you will learn to deal with it. I'm not saying you should marry this guy, but at least give him a chance. Fatherhood can do amazing and suprisingly sexy things to a man. Just take each moment as it comes. Don't overanalyze. You might be surprised at the outcome.

Originally posted by Manu
Slacker, you're pretty young aren't ya?

Dave, the only thing I see with what you're saying...it is from a totally different perspective than me at 20. I do not know how old Slacker is...

But for me...getting involved with a girl with a kid is just something I don't want to do. Though I am a big fan of letting emotions determine things, so if the emotion is there I probably still would, but at my age...not likely.

Manu, you bring up some VERY valid points, and, hey, when I was 20, lugging around a kid wouldn't have been my prime motivation, either.

The thing is that I don't see women at 20-24 trying to "trap" men. I think it MAY happen, but not to us losers! LOL! If I was 22, filthy rich, and had a big house of my own then yeah, I'd be leary. But, for any of us working schlups, I think we're only fooling ourselves to believe that we're some kind of trophy pseudo-husband, you know?

Besides, like I said, if meaningless sex is all your after, it's hard to beat some 20 year old girl who's spent the last 18 months watching her friends have all the fun. My ex's three best friends were like that. They did the old maid thing right out of high school, pumped out 2 or 3 units, got divorced, and comensed to screwing everything in a 4 county area. It was weird, but that's what they did.

So, you may want to be careful who you rule out . . .

Wow as a now single mom this really doesn't give me much hope. I am thinking that a social life for me is no longer a possiblity. :(
I don't think I made any mistakes by having my kids, I mean I tried to make my marriage work for 10 years. I know for damn sure that the last thing I want right this second is another serious relationship. The last thing I wanna do is find a "new daddy" for my girls. They have one already.
Everyone has baggage it is just on how you carry it .........

Originally posted by Truds
Wow as a now single mom this really doesn't give me much hope. I am thinking that a social life for me is no longer a possiblity. :(
I don't think I made any mistakes by having my kids, I mean I tried to make my marriage work for 10 years. I know for damn sure that the last thing I want right this second is another serious relationship. The last thing I wanna do is find a "new daddy" for my girls. They have one already.
Everyone has baggage it is just on how you carry it .........

I'm 20 years old. My parents divorced when I was 15, and I've been trying to get them both to get back into the dating pool since it happened. You can't tell yourself that you'll wait until they're out of the house. It's an excuse, and it's unfair to children who think that they're responsible for your lonliness. That's what my mother did, and that's how I felt, and now...she's 50 years old and she's using her age as an excuse not to date. Aside from hurting at my mother's emotional emptiness, I'm getting her frustrations projected on me in the form of overbearing and anal-retentive behavior. That's also not fair to do to a kid. Don't think of it as finding a new daddy. They're stuck with the one they've got forever and ever. But they're your kids, and they want to see you happy. Once they understand that you're not trying to replace their father, they'll realize that mommy still needs male companionship...and yeah, mommy even needs to get laid once in awhile! (I don't know how old they are, so I don't know if they'll understand that part yet) Get out there. You can handle a bit of a social life on top of raising your girls.

I agree with Guitarophile here. Plus, there are plenty of guys out there who will still be glad to date you even if you have kids. That's even more true if they understand you don't want a replacement daddy.

Okay, time to throw my gloves in on the original question:

slacker79: anything you do is alright, because it's your decision based on what you know and feel. A certain degree of foresight on your part will be helpful in avoiding mistakes, but if you really believe your decision is the right one, no one can tell you you've made a 'bad' choice.

In the interest of helping you make a more informed decision, here's a bit of what I've been through:

I've dated a girl who was my age(20), and had a 4-year-old daughter. She told me this before I ever met her, and I still agreed to be with her, because I was interested in the girl herself and knew that this experience had some part in shaping her into the girl I knew. After three dates(the first one being a trip to Chuck E. Cheese's with her daughter), I decided the girl wasn't for me. She was still trying to live a young girl's life, to the exclusion of this living, breathing responsibility tugging at her pantleg. This girl didn't know the wonderful thing she already had, and was still out looking for the mundane pleasures of youth when that time had passed early for her.

I met up with a girl I really liked, maybe even loved. After being with her for a short while, she told me she had screwed up just before she met me and she was pregnant. This was a big shock to me, and I had to evaluate within myself, whether I was willing to stay with this girl through her pregnancy, and to eventually be a father to this child. Wow. What a maturing thought that is, to make that kind of decision. I had to basically push through in my mind all things I would have to do to make things work out, realize how thoroughly my life would change, and interpolate the future based on what I already knew of myself and my life. Eventually, I came to the decision that I would see it through with her, because I truly loved her. But that was never put to the test. She had decided to have an abortion, and now there's only that horrible memory and a wondering of what might have been.

---

I don't know if these stories will help you, but I really hope they do help somebody.

Originally posted by Truds
[B]Wow as a now single mom this really doesn't give me much hope. I am thinking that a social life for me is no longer a possiblity. :(
B]

Well, I'm guessing here, but I'm willing to bet you're not 20 years old with cool ink, a pierced tongue, and NOTHING in your closet that wasn't bought 4 sizes too small . . . :D

Most of the guys here who wouldn't date a single mom are probably still living with theirs! :D As for the MEN of the board (27 years +), I'll say this. MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE! Crap, I met my love on StangNet. Both of us said "hey, this feels right . . . LET'S MEET!" The rest is just whipped cream and peaches.

You CAN'T sit around the house . . . we don't hang around there! Get out and find some place cool to go and some cool people to hang with. There are PLENTY of men out there who are looking for a soulmate or at least someone to spend some time with. Kids don't bother me . . . and I'm HARDLY unique in my opinion. Crap, they're someone else to play with when the dating thing gets boring.

I LOVE doing things with Lisa's daughter (nonononono . . . not like THAT!). I mean, it's fun to take both of them out and have the TWO best looking girls in the place. Plus, I can do "father" things with her to give me some practice for MY son. I can be her friend (with experience) without having to be a father-figure, you know? When I don't want her around, I just start being nice to her. She get's all grossed out and leaves. GREAT ARRANGEMENT.

I think an important point here is that Durden and I were/are both very up front with each other from day 1 (when we first started chatting). His son and my (2) kids were not a 'surprise' brought into the picture later, they were topics in the first conversations we had. It would would be pretty sad if he or I had discounted the other because of the kids... as happy as we are now that we're together, we would have missed out on a lot!

Another thing is that we have A LOT in common. I mean REALLY a lot. And these are things we learned about each other early in the relationship due to lots and lots of 'heart-to hearts'. It's very important to us that we share common interests that we can participate in together. Since we both love cars, photography, shooting, music...etc...it's been easy for us to 'meld' as a couple and of course, all the time we spend with each other doing the 'fun' stuff just continues to draw us closer to each other, thus making us stronger 'partners' for each other.

My last point is that DD and I both tried to save 'worthless' marriages in order to do the 'right' thing. Unfortunately, we both wasted a lot of time and subjected ourselves to much unnecessary misery. To look at the bright side, we both learned how much it means to have somebody who really appreciates having you. Think about that and I'm sure it will make sense.

So, to those of you who are in relationships that make you cry (inside or out), or who might think a meaningful relationship is out of reach...I offer this: Give a 'decent' person a 'reasonable' chance. I think DD will vouch for the fact there are probably few people out there who had less hope and more fear about relationships than I did. If I can find happiness, 600 miles away (at the time), there's hope for everybody.

AND I am happy, more so than I've ever been in my adult life. Thanks Sweetie!

God, I love that woman . . . *sigh*

And we DO have a lot in common . . . a frightening amount in common. I can remember quaint little things like "hey, you carry a .45, TOO???" :D

But I DO love that woman . . .

Uh, Dave...you posted under my name...lol....
Next time...LOG OUT FIRST! :p

well just come in here and rub it in our face why don't ya?? lol j/k

actually that is really cool that you guys worked out the way you did, and I hope I am not the only one, but I often doubt that there is hope.. no light at the end of the tunnel.. when in all actuallity there is someone out there "perfect" for me as well as everyone else.. you don't realize when you sit and think, as I do, that no one really loves you.. no one really cares.. that there is someone out there that you are going to be with in the future, you just haven't found them yet..

I can sit here and say all day long.. what they have is not going to happen to me.. I better take what I can get with my ex.. well, I am not positive.. but you guys might have felt the same way.. and the truth of the matter is, I don't have to take it.. if it isn't working out.. don't let it.. don't try to fix your beat up rusted camero when you can drive your new cobra.. funny, how I relate everything to cars..

happy for you two.. thanks for the help

Dude, my ex dumped me for a 22 year old kid living with his mom for gawd's sake. Don't think that you're in some kind of pit that can't be beaten. Jeeez, you're young, have some experience, and evidently have enough material to work with (since you've had 2 girls fall for you). Why the big panic over this one chick?

I've never understood the trauma of losing someone who's been screwing up your life. My mother lost a breast to breast cancer, but, you know, she doesn't seem really that sentimental about losing the cancer cells. I see losers in our lives in the same light.

Get out and FIND somebody (or bodies!) to hang around with till this mental illness leaves you.

my mom also lost a breast to breast cancer.. who thoughts where.. I rather live a little longer, even if I do get some weird looks..

trust me, I am doing better than I thought I would.. but nowhere where I need to be.. so I guess I am starting to understand..


btw.. funny you should mention two chicks.. b/c I look that guy off of road trip.. (see avatar) that's what I can't get.. oh well, I atleast I am not doing that fat girl.. that was sick..

Neh . . . that was a girl from Tennessee . . . it probably straightened him right out!

well it didn't straighten out anything on me.. lol

Then, obviously, you weren't doing it right . . . :D :D :D

I was talking about the fat girl on road trip.. nevermind.. I am sure you got it..

hell you get alot more of "it" than I do.. :(

Oh, I didn't get "it" from the fat chick on Road Trip BUT, oddly enough, that's the movie I watched while waiting for Lisa to arrive the first time we met. It was on late on a Thursday night, and Lisa was making her grand appearance on Friday. I was sitting, naked, in the hot tub during the entire movie . . . so, in effect, I WAS naked with that chick. Then again, I was naked when Tom Greene was licking that mouse . . . which was most disturbing.

Anyway, you shouldn't turn your nose up at a lady like that. Fat chicks are a lot like mopeds . . . sure, they're fun to ride, but you don't want to be seen by your friends doing it. Besides, doing (successfully) a woman like that is like climbing Everest i.e. who is going to brag about what/who they've done around you?

I talked to my mom this weekend about this situation which is really strange because I don't talk to my mom about anything important in my life. She gave me some REALLY good advise and a reality check. She told me that I shouldn't be too worried about this guy having a son. She said that everyone is going to have some sort of baggage whether it is his parents/family(momma's boys), kids or a crazy ex-girlfriend that I am going to have to deal with. I guess I had never looked at it that way but I am glad we talked about it. I guess mom does know best!

You right Ali...always some sort of baggage..We all have it..

Mommas boys..funny you mention that.. Anyways.. If you like the guy which you seem too..Give it a shot..Worst that would happen is it simply does not work out.

Originally posted by D Durden
Oh, I didn't get "it" from the fat chick on Road Trip BUT, oddly enough, that's the movie I watched while waiting for Lisa to arrive the first time we met. It was on late on a Thursday night, and Lisa was making her grand appearance on Friday. I was sitting, naked, in the hot tub during the entire movie . . . so, in effect, I WAS naked with that chick. Then again, I was naked when Tom Greene was licking that mouse . . . which was most disturbing.

Anyway, you shouldn't turn your nose up at a lady like that. Fat chicks are a lot like mopeds . . . sure, they're fun to ride, but you don't want to be seen by your friends doing it. Besides, doing (successfully) a woman like that is like climbing Everest i.e. who is going to brag about what/who they've done around you?

*Off topic*

The fat girl on Road Trip had an adorable face. If she would work out, she'd be totally hot. My husband was commenting on that when we watched the movie. He thought she was very pretty in the face.

I SHOULD start a new thread and ask what the hell is the whole BBW craze! I simply don't understand why people are so excited to be unhealthy. And why men get turned on by clogged arteries, rolls of fat and waddling women. *shrug*

Originally posted by buggy
And why men get turned on by clogged arteries, rolls of fat and waddling women. *shrug*

Where did you get that idea? Sure, women want to feel liberated, and being fat is ok...bla, bla, bla....But just because women think it is ok to be fat, does not mean men find it sexy. Well, except for "Idigfatchicks"...