I have always thought of my parents as being cool and understanding until about a year ago. After deciding to end a 4 year relationship with my ex, my parents weirded out on me. They did not speak to me for weeks. It absolutely crushed me. Since then I pursued another relationship with a great guy, yet it failed with some help from my parents. I always wanted to please them so, I did everything they wanted jeopardizing my new relationship. My father would not except the new person in my life. Until this day he is convinced I will marry the guy that I dated for 4 years. I mean this is the new millenium, fathers are not choosing our husbands anymore. After my last relationship failed, I realized I have to live my life for me and not my parents. What more could they do to hurt me, other than ruin every chance I get with someone new. I cannot let them do that to me. Has anyone had this problem or going through this? If so, how did you handle it. I have a problem with standing up for my parents. I will be 21 in 22 days so, I am a adult. I have to act like it and not hide under myt parents wings. Any advice, comments are welcome. Thanks in advance.

------------------
"The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"
-Joseph Addison

Hello Princess,

Although my situation is quite different from yours in many ways, I completly understand where yo are coming from as far as the parents not supporting you with you romantic choices. Mine do not support me like I would like either. I met the most amazing man in the world, we are very serious about each other and our relationship. I shared this good news with my parents and well they do not think it will work out for some reason, they think things are moving to fast. I am completly content with how things are moving and I have no doubt in my mind that this is the man I am going to marry and be with the rest of my life. We have made the decision to move in together. I know this decision does nto please my parents very much, for various reasons. As much as I would like to please my parents, there comes a point in your life where you finally have to go with what makes YOU happy and not worry about what other people think. I am not going to worry about what my parents think about my relationship anymore, as much as I value their opinions, they do not want to support me how I think parents should support a child. I could see if I was in an abussive relationship or something. This is the most amazing, giving man on this earth that I am in love with. He is so giving,caring and takes very good care of me. There is NO reason why they shouldn't support our relationship. Just like there is NO reason your parents shouldn't suport yours. Trust me, go with how you feel in your heart and don't worry about what your parents think. They will finally realize what they are doing is wrong and they will come around. I know mine will come around eventually. Just make yourself happy and the rest will follow http://discussanything.com/Ubb/smile.gif Good luck!
*AngelGirl*

Angel...
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Your parents may be concerned that you're getting too serious at too young an age. My mom had me when she was 23 - I think she was married at 22 or 21 (I'm not sure to be honest). She was divorced when I was 4, and she's always stressed to me that I not rush into anything, no matter how great the guy is - she worries that I can't know right now what I want for the rest of my life, and just loving someone is not always enough to make a marriage work. When she first told me this, I thought she was an idiot. Now, I'm glad I didn't marry my high school boyfriend - I'd be miserable, even as great of a guy as he is. She also wanted me to be able to see what's out there, date different kinds of people, experience life for myself, not dependent on having a boyfriend to keep me happy. I've since dated a variety of men and women, and now I have a much better idea of what I want, as far as dating goes.

------------------
"I have no regrets. Regret only makes wrinkles." - Sophia Loren

[This message has been edited by Aphasia (edited 07-01-2001).]

Originally posted by Aphasia:
Angel...
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Your parents may be concerned that you're getting too serious at too young an age. My mom had me when she was 23 - I think she was married at 22 or 21 (I'm not sure to be honest). She was divorced when I was 4, and she's always stressed to me that I not rush into anything, no matter how great the guy is - she worries that I can't know right now what I want for the rest of my life, and just loving someone is not always enough to make a marriage work. When she first told me this, I thought she was an idiot. Now, I'm glad I didn't marry my high school boyfriend - I'd be miserable, even as great of a guy as he is. She also wanted me to be able to see what's out there, date different kinds of people, experience life for myself, not dependent on having a boyfriend to keep me happy. I've since dated a variety of men and women, and now I have a much better idea of what I want, as far as dating goes.



Hey Aphasia,

I am 18 yrs old (ready for the your so young flames http://discussanything.com/Ubb/smile.gif ). Honestly the more and more I think about it and talk to my parents I am getting the information on why they are so skeptical on my relationship. I believe it doesn't have much to do with my man cause he is extremly wonderful and they agree.

I am an only child and I will be moving from home and somewhat at a distance where it will be hard for me to see my family very often. I think they feel I am just picking up and leaving them in the dust, and I think they feel somewhats hurt by it. They were under the impression that I would be sticking around for a while longer, and I hate to be so cliche about moving out at 18 (like a lot of people do just for the heck of it when they turn 18) but I do not fit into that cliche. I am really strong in knowing what I want out of life and my relationship. I am strong in my beliefs and my morals and I definatly know what I want out of life. I know it is very hard to believe that someone my age, being so young, would know what they want. I do hear all the time from friends that what i want will change in life, well yes to some degree I am sure it will. But that will happen to everyone young or old. I know as far as the "big picture" goes, I am set in what I want there.

As the saying goes "you cant choose who you fall in love with, well I would like to add to that, "you can't choose when you fall in love with that person either". To some we may be moving fast, to other we may be moving slow. We are moving at the pace that fits us.

I am sure when my parents become more comfortable with the idea of me not being home all the time they will be a little more relaxed about about our relationship. I think they just really will be missing me as well as me missing them. But there just comes a time in your life , when you know something is soooo right and you feel it in sooo many ways. It's completly unexplainable unless you have truly felt this. I have never felt anything so right before in my life, as I do with our relationship. http://discussanything.com/Ubb/smile.gif

As much as I hate to say it, I don't think, at 18 you really do know exactly what you want out of life. If you're still living at home, there's a ton you need to learn about what you really want - I know that I thought I was ready to be off and married and having babies and living on my own, but I know now that I'm nowhere near ready for that yet. My high school boyfriend told me more than once that he could see us 60 years down the road, still together. Soon afterwards, I moved 3000 miles away to go to college, and we broke up. He followed me out here (long, psycho story), but we eventually got to be really good friends again, and yeah, maybe we'll be friends still in 60 years...but we most certainly won't be together. My ideas about what I wanted from life changed a *lot* when I left home, so I'm really glad I didn't rush into anything that seemed to make sense at the time.

------------------
"I have no regrets. Regret only makes wrinkles." - Sophia Loren

At the age of 18, I had been dating a guy for 2 years already. Yep. I thought he was the one. Could see me with no other..but guess what..2 yrs later at the age of 20, I realized there was no way i could spen the rest of my life with this guy. Yes, he was a great guy, and we are friends. My sis, is fixing to turn 18, she is wanting to get married next year. I am sorry but I am not her biggest supporter on this. She has no clue what she is in for, I am not putting you down, Angelgirl, or doubting what you feel. I am just concerned that you are blinded by love. You dont have to listen to Apashia and I, But I hope you will atleast think of what we say. I would just want you to be happy for a lifetime. How old is your boyfriend? Is this both of ya'lls first serious relationship? One more thing to as yourself, what is the rush? You are young, you are at the point where you decide what you want. I am turning 21 this month and I am clueless as to what I REALLY want.
As for as my parents, they are still wanting me to live my life as they want it. I hope it gets solved before I get very angry with them.

~Heather

------------------
"The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"
-Joseph Addison

HEY! How about a guy's perspective?? LOL!

Okay, here's something that MIGHT fit you guys, so digest at will.

I married my "high school sweetheart". We were perfect and all that crap. We dated all through college and a year after (6 f-ing years, people!). We both got out of college, did the good job and a house thing, and all the other PERFECT steps . . . even had a perfect baby (maybe the only perfect thing we did). And, it fell apart in itsy-bitsy pieces. Why? She wanted to be 18 again.

Guys (GALS!), listen, it happened to me, and it happened to A LOT of my friends. They all got married at 18-22 (heck, I waited to 24!) thinking that "married life is the life for me!". It was great for about 6 months. Then they started hanging out with their single friends and seeing how much fun THEY were having. Next comes "girls night out." Next comes "I wonder if that guy I met last week will be there again . . ." Next comes "well, I don't REALLY want to be married, anymore".

You'd have to be NUTS to want to be married at 18 or 20. I mean, sure SOME people make it . . . but HOW MANY? I mean, hell, some of us are going to win the lottery. Wanna' bet your life on it, though?

I'm not being cynical. I think you have to suffer with some relationships before you REALLY know what you want and need. It's just a shame to waste some of the most fun and informative years of your life in a marriage that is rocky at best.

I hear ya Dave. I am in a serious one year relationship, don't see an end in sight, but im not jumping into anything here. I am going to wait long and hard before 'take that step.'

Hell, im 19, by the time Im done with school who knows where life will take me. Let alone by the tme im 25-27 or something.

People do jump into marriage way too easily, and it is a shame.

------------------
Manu Narayan

Ok, I absolutely MUST put my two cents in here. I am currently 23, my husband is 22. We have an 18 month old son and are trying for another baby. When we got married, I was 20 and he 19. His father got married at 19. His grandfather got married at 19. Seeing a pattern here? We met in Feb. 1998 and married in August of the same year. VERY FAST! My parents married in the same time period. Both my mother and I basically married on the rebound. We were both involved with one man for 3 years, the men didn't want to get married...and so it goes. I am not saying I regret my decision. We have a beautiful, bright child who is our world. My husband and I are becoming friends. We never took the time to date one another. Hell, I really never got a proposal. It was just understood. The first year of marriage was hell. The most difficult year of my life. We have since realized our mistake, but are truly trying and wanting to make it work. We still have bad days, but it is getting better all the time. We will be celebrating (and I mean really celebrating) our 3 year anniversary in August.

My point is this: for some people, it does happen fast. Sometimes too fast. It can work. I am in no position to discourage anyone. Just THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING. MARRIAGE SHOULD BE A LIFE-LONG COMMITMENT. If you believe in God, you have to remember that you are making a promise to God to do your best for this to work. You don't say "for better or for worse, in good times and in bad" for nothing.

------------------
Absence makes the heart grow hungry...

"This must be a new kind of love. They ought to bottle it and sell it for 'Instant Stupid'."--Steve Sherman (Paul Newman)

Forgive me for saying so princess but your parents sound screwy to me! They have no business being involved in you matters anymore. WTH are they thinking about marrage for? Young people need to see the world and date. I absolutely would not advocate getting married at your age. If it works for dave, cool. Not for me. Your parents sound like control freaks. Their behavior is NOT normal of healthy. You need to lay down the law with them.

------------------
Winner of the "peoples Choice award" for supreme advocate for the people!

I'm not "always right", it just seems that way

Spelling is for kids! I think you got the point!

My parents just dont want me to make the mistakes that they have made. So, they think by telling me what to do, etc. will help solve that.. WRONG! If I am gonna screw up, then it's just gonna happen. I will learn from my mistakes and move on, as they have theirselves.

------------------
"The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"
-Joseph Addison

i am 23 this month and i have an awesome girlfriend. i am so in love with her it would make you sick, but i love it. we don't live close to each other, so she planned on moving to my area so we could be closer. but, it makes much more sense for her to just move in with me so we agreed to do that. now she is only 18 and like i said i am 23 this month. i would consider myself pretty mature and her the same. i am a college graduate, have served honorably in the USMC, have traveled to more countries than their are states in this country and have lived in more than a couple of them. i have been in relationships before but nothing that can hold a candle to this one. do i think i will marry this girl? yes, i do. are we getting married anytime soon? or course not.

i would never have been able to tell anyone that i would fall for an 18 year old before i did. i know when i was 18 i did not know what i wanted out of my life, but this girl does. she is not the stereotypical 18 year old girl. i have never known anyone like her before, we are so perfect together that it makes me wonder if it is real sometimes.

so, am i rushing into anything? i have been living on my own since i was 16 years old so i don't really apply to this post but i thought i would ask your opinions. i will be able to support us both on my salary, so money is not an issue. she will have every opportunity to pursue any school or career she wants. my offer to her to stay with me is completely unconditional, as in she does not have to pay any rent or even sleep in the same bed as me if she didn't want to. we both agree this will be a good move for our relationship, i was just curious what you guys/gals thought about it.

My parents? Heh. I was afraid to tell them I had broken up with the guy I was going out with, because at times they seemed to like him more than me! Well, my mom, at least. If I'd get upset at him, she'd turn it all around and find some way to blame it on -me- that he was late or had been dumb. Heh, his mom and my mom stil get along well, and I heard them talking about it on the phone (I was in the next room when they started talking, so I wasn't evesdropping on purpose) and my mom was going on about how selfish and immature I am, and that's why I'm doing this to him and all this crap. So yeah, I' say my mom was way too involved. I mean she used to just figure things would run their course and either we'd get married, or we wouldn't, but I think that started to change so now I'm afraid of what she'll do to the next guy I go out with. Which is why I'm not telling her about my next date, at least until it's over.

Laters,
Nomi
>^..^<

------------------
Of course Cats are smarter than Dogs. You'd never see eight cats pulling a sled through snow, would you?

I think it’s very true that even after 18 years of age, a person needs guidance in life. You cannot expect to shelter someone from the tribulations of life and then expect them to make proper decisions or have good judgment. Young adults will never truly respect lessons learned in life until they are experienced first hand. You can tell someone the right road to take until your blue in the face, but until that person gets the feeling of a true life consequence, it really wont have the impact you want. I’m a firm believer in the fact that you have no choice but to let people live and learn. If let them explore their world and see things for them self, and do your best to help them along the way, you’ll be at a much better vantage point to save them from real trouble. People given the freedom of adulthood will learn the hard way whether you like it or not. You can either be involved in their life or they will find a way to shut you out completely.
Parents have a real ugly habit of completing a viscous circle of torment that was placed on them as children. They pressure Kids to grow up in the shadow of what they them selves wanted to be. The kids are pressed with the burden of pleasing their family over pleasing them selves until it the only thing they know how to do. They enter the world with no idea of who or what they are inside. The only thing ringing in their heads is a 2 dimensional picture of what they were told life was all about and no firm grasp on what fulfills their needs. Almost like two separate roads to take, One leading to where their heart tells them to go and the other leading top what they’ve been told is the right way. The way I see it there is no perfect life to be had out there. There is no perfect spouse to be found. There’s only perfect for you. Maybe if more would realize this younger we wouldn’t have a 50% divorce rate in the United States. So many people live their lives in sheer anxiety and restlessness for something greater and were never given the fundamental emotional reasoning skills it takes to follow your heart. This was never learned because far too much time was spent structuring the kid to grow up with a preordained future and no time was spend letting the child explore what its like to be them selves. The world is now full of emotionally inept kids that have no choice but to act out of feelings they never learned how to use.
I for one definitely think parents should be involved with their kid’s relationships, as soon as they realize it’s the kids’ relationship and not theirs. I wish more parents would equip their kids with the ability to make decisions for them selves, instead of ruling their lives like a governing body. Its real easy to tell someone, no. It takes time, effort and even a little empathy to help them understand for themselves.

The reason this thread grates on my nerves is I dont think any person can tell another how to live out thier romantic life... I say do what you want at 18... if that means getting married than so be it... you shouldnt let people (who aren't that much older than you in many cases) Tell you how to run your life... I know most of them werent... but some were... this REALLY bothers me... Sure it may go ugly... but we are humans... we learn from our mistakes... and if you dont take the chances you want in life you'll miss out on the expiriences that make it worth living.

------------------

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.
Alan Dean Foster, "To the Vanishing Point"

Yes, exactly DaOgre in the sense that we have to live our on lives and learn from our mistakes. That is where I am getting at with my parent telling me what to do. They hold me back, how will I ever learn. So what if they think He is a jerk, I have to see it.. So, what if they think I will fail...I have to do it on my own. I dont think people are necessarily telling her do not get married, they are just trying to warn about it, cause they have learned the hard way. Then again, you have to learn from your own mistakes.

------------------
"The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"
-Joseph Addison

e Originally posted by DaOgre:
if you dont take the chances you want in life you'll miss out on the expiriences that make it worth living.


That's a very good point. Another thing that boters me a little bit is how negative everyone is towards marriage. Like it's so bad to get married or that it will only end up negative or in a divorce.

Princess's quote-", they are just trying to warn her about it"

Well warn me about what?? What could there possibly be that I am not fully aware of that could happen or not happen. I mean in this day and age divorce runs rampid and I am well aware of the statistics.

I do thank everyon though for their advice, I apprechiate you taking the time to write abotu your exsperiences. But I cannot say I agree that ALL applies to me.
Take care http://discussanything.com/Ubb/smile.gif
*AngelGirl*


------------------
***"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."***

Angel:

They are trying to show you that it is not easy, being married at that age. There are many trials and tribulations. People change, relationships change. I see it in my friends marriages everyday. You have to learn for yourself though. Just know that I hope everything works out for you, and that No disappointments fall your way.. There is an exception to every rule, you just may be that exception http://discussanything.com/Ubb/smile.gif

------------------
"The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"
-Joseph Addison

Originally posted by Princess:
that I hope everything works out for you, and that No disappointments fall your way.. There is an exception to every rule, you just may be that exception http://discussanything.com/Ubb/smile.gif




Thanx for your warm wishes! http://discussanything.com/Ubb/smile.gif


------------------
***"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."***

Okay, I keep hearing this "well, I'm going to make MY mistakes regardless of what anyone else says so I can learn from them . . ." Uh, okay, well, as much as I probably deserve to get flamed for this, I'm going to say it. That's a cop out!

Every time I hear that, it's almost EXCLUSIVELY used as an excuse to do something that you KNOW is probably the wrong thing to do. I mean, think about it . . . you're ALREADY considering your action to be a PROBABLE mistake. If you ALREADY think it's a mistake, DON'T DO IT!!!

I mean, I KNOW we ALL make some mistakes. Goodness knows I did! But, there are "mistakes" and major life-changing events! Driving too fast and getting a ticket is a mistake. Flunking a class is a mistake. Waking up 22 years old with 2 kids and a crumbling marriage is NOT a mistake. That's a major life-changing event! LOL! That's right up there with "I didn't know it was loaded" and "HEY GUYS! WATCH THIS . . ."

It's common to justify doing dumb things with the excuse of "I'll learn from my mistakes . . ." I did it . . . once . . . never again. And that was NOTHING as serious as marriage. THAT'S serious.

Well... I know that I'm new here, but I figured I'd add in my .02.

Running away with the feeling of falling in love is awesome, but somewhere you have to take a time out and look at things from a logical and non-emotional standpoint. It's too easy to get divorced now a days, and the bond that marriage once stood for has sadly been degraded. I don't see people being negative about marriage, what I read is people concerned with jumping into it blindly.

With that said, I also believe taking risks is the only way you'll experience life. Making mistakes and learning from them is the only way you'll appreciate and respect what the meaning of *your* life is. Just make sure those risks are your own, and you don't screw up someone else's life in the process. http://discussanything.com/Ubb/smile.gif

------------------
Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt. -- Clarence Darrow

Well hey you have to do what makes YOU happy. You could live your life to try to please your parents or your lover but if YOU take no satisfaction then whats the point. If that means getting married then getting divorced, im sure its a hassle and unpleasant but maybe thats just what you got to do. I really think its a good idea to wait on kids though. Like my parents met in college, they dated in non exclusive relationships for 10 years. They didnt get married until they were 29 and had decent jobs and had had enough adventures together and apart to know they were best for each other and they are still married 21 years later. I really respect the path they took and I think it makes a lot of sense, but yeah everyone is different...

------------------
"He could not plead want of employment, nor incapacity of getting his bread in an honest way, but frankly own'd it was to get rid of the disagreeable superiority of some masters he was acquainted with and the love of novelty and change."

William Defoe on Bartholomew Roberts career of piracy

My opinion princess, as to why Parent have a hard time letting go, has more to do with them then it does you. Parent or not everyone likes to take some confidence in the fact that their life has purpose. For a parent, that can easily be found in directing their children through life. Just like anybody else, being stripped of one of those little reasons to get up in the morning can be pretty hard on a person. When they feel it slipping away, over compensation can ensue. I know it can make things complicated, but its no reason to resent them. I think it’s pretty obvious that they love you to death and when you get right down to it, probably have the best of intentions toward you.

I know my parents love me, without a doubt. And I know they want what is best for me. How do I get them to do this without running my life? I will never resent my parents, I just am a bit unhappy at the way they are treating me.

------------------
"The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"
-Joseph Addison

I think my parents are just overly protective. They know that I am intelligent and have dreams. They think that they can choose for me the right person to help me along in my adventure. I ask them "Did your parents do this to you" in reply "No, I wish they would have..." BS...they know they would not have listened at all.

Ha! My dad tells me the other day..You should call even when you go to the bathroom..WTF is that.. I will be 21 in a few days..I am a adult. How do I get him to treat me as one?

------------------
"The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"
-Joseph Addison

Originally posted by Princess:
I know my parents love me, without a doubt. And I know they want what is best for me. How do I get them to do this without running my life? I will never resent my parents, I just am a bit unhappy at the way they are treating me.



This may sound bad, but its hard to explain but I will give it my best shot. You let them run your life, you need to stop letting them do so. Sit down and think about what you want to accomplish in life no matter how big or small. Write it down on a piece of paper. Now after you read yoru list, check the things off you think your parents will either disagree with you on or give you a hard time about. Then think to youself about how important those things are to you.See just start doing what YOU want to do and what YOU need to do. For a while your parents will feel hurt that YOU arent doing what THEY want YOU to do. But you know what YOU are and ADULT and they need to get used to the idea that they CANT control YOUR life anymore. They shouyld trust YOUR judgment on YOUR life, I trust they raised you well and I know YOU will do what is best for YOU!

I had to do the same thing with my parents recently and at the beginning things were a little tough.......now omg what a differnce. They get all teary eyes when they see how happy I am and they are soooooooo excited for me and support me soooo much. It's amazing, I swear its like they were abducted by aliens or something. But your parents love you and they will realize what they did and come around ...it wont take long. Have faith in yourself!

------------------
***"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."***

[This message has been edited by AngelGirl (edited 07-14-2001).]

I am no expert but Y not live together for a while and see how things go? If things dont work out you can just walk away.I always think I am in luv and end up broken hearted. At the end of the day u have to live together 24/7 365 days......thats the real test.

Good luck

Am I the only one who noticed that this thread is 4 years old? I am sure that she has screwed around with a whole pack of guys since then ;)