BonnieBon
11-06-2002, 04:31 AM
this story gets critiqued by my whole class (about 18 people and a teacher) instead of nine people... its going to be ten pages long. So far it comes out to 2 pages (double spaced.) So far I've touched on character a little but not really a lot of plot.
But what i want to do with this piece is really get into an honest character voice, a strong emotion, and to really move my reader in some way... i dont really know where i'm going with the plot. It could go either way i guess... toward a happy "everything heals with time" ending--maybe with the character meeting some great guy. Or some bittersweet ending... hmmm *ponders*
i dunno... but my last piece was sad and i liked that my readers seemed moved by the characters...
Okay, here is what i have so far if anyone cares to read it. It will be subject to mucho revision, grammatical stuff i will catch but comments are always welcome. :P
UNTITLED
My roomate sat across from me and refused to go off on her date until I smiled. I thought about letting the tears fall until she finally admitted to us both that she wasn't going to let my drama keep her from enjoying her Friday night. I offered a half-hearted smile. It would have hurt me a lot more for her to have to tell me straight out that whatever I was dealing with was less important than Ryan, or Kyle or whoever the hell she was going out with that night.
When I was alone again, I layed back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I ran my palms slowly from my forehead to my chin as if I could wipe away the past three years, or even the past three hours. With my fingertips pressed to my lips, I released a hot breath of air. The sensation put a chill all the way to my spine and I quickly drew my hands away, clenching them as they hit the mattress. I released the tension, reminding myself that it was my own breath- but it didn't feel like it was my own. Nothing did.
I turned on my side and stared at my phone. I tried to picture what people would say to me.
"Are you sure it wasn't an accident." That would be my dad's reply. Following it would be the melodramatic-
"How are we going to deal with this?"
My mom. It could be world hunger, her messy house or my failed relationship, and it would always be we.
If it could have been a "we" situation, I would have been the first to admit it, but I didn't remember anyone else being there when I was awake until the sun came up, keeping watch through the gap in my miniblinds. If I wasn't mistaken, there was no "we" when I was afraid to sleep without my back against the wall in case I had to defend myself. There was no "we" when the police wanted details that I was too ashamed to even admit to myself. No. There was definitely no "we" involved.
I knew I was bitter... It wasn't the first trait I would have picked for myself, but it was better than fear. I couldn't handle any more fear. I'd lived in it's grips for what were supposed to be the best years of my life and I couldn't let it own me any longer.
Part of me would probably always be afraid. I might never feel completely secure in a man's arms again, but to say this out loud was a whole other story. Its not that I felt I was hiding anything. If anything, I felt like people could see right into my nightmare just by looking at me. I couldn't have felt more like damaged goods if it was stamped on my forehead.
So, I have added another three pages but the plot is still driving me nutz because i want to make sure it makes sense and is cohesive and stuff...
So what i have in mind is that this main character has been trying to get over her past for a few years and thats left her with a lot of baggage--- then, she meets this really great guy and they start dating and he is awesome---and he believes in like fate, karma, God.... lots of stuff-and she has pretty much resigned herself to not believing in anything till she meets him. So the guy has a younger sister --who is 15 and she is already down the same road the main character went down and somehow the main character keeps her from something...like a rape or death or something...
. and i'm thinking that the boyfriend dies for some reason...and the main girl and the little sister have been banded together by everything.... i dont know... this plot isnt working out very neatly..
i want it to be a bittersweet ending but i think that is the problem...the working toward a certain ending doesnt let me play around too much with the writing...
<--- weird
okay, what if i got rid of the boyfriend.... i tihnk what i really want to keep is the main girl somehow saving someone elses life-- which in turn saves her life on a spiritual level. ---feedback anyone? i do have a good 24 hours left to work on this... but im not letting myself go to sleep tonight until i have at least a pretty goodbackbone for the story.
But what i want to do with this piece is really get into an honest character voice, a strong emotion, and to really move my reader in some way... i dont really know where i'm going with the plot. It could go either way i guess... toward a happy "everything heals with time" ending--maybe with the character meeting some great guy. Or some bittersweet ending... hmmm *ponders*
i dunno... but my last piece was sad and i liked that my readers seemed moved by the characters...
Okay, here is what i have so far if anyone cares to read it. It will be subject to mucho revision, grammatical stuff i will catch but comments are always welcome. :P
UNTITLED
My roomate sat across from me and refused to go off on her date until I smiled. I thought about letting the tears fall until she finally admitted to us both that she wasn't going to let my drama keep her from enjoying her Friday night. I offered a half-hearted smile. It would have hurt me a lot more for her to have to tell me straight out that whatever I was dealing with was less important than Ryan, or Kyle or whoever the hell she was going out with that night.
When I was alone again, I layed back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I ran my palms slowly from my forehead to my chin as if I could wipe away the past three years, or even the past three hours. With my fingertips pressed to my lips, I released a hot breath of air. The sensation put a chill all the way to my spine and I quickly drew my hands away, clenching them as they hit the mattress. I released the tension, reminding myself that it was my own breath- but it didn't feel like it was my own. Nothing did.
I turned on my side and stared at my phone. I tried to picture what people would say to me.
"Are you sure it wasn't an accident." That would be my dad's reply. Following it would be the melodramatic-
"How are we going to deal with this?"
My mom. It could be world hunger, her messy house or my failed relationship, and it would always be we.
If it could have been a "we" situation, I would have been the first to admit it, but I didn't remember anyone else being there when I was awake until the sun came up, keeping watch through the gap in my miniblinds. If I wasn't mistaken, there was no "we" when I was afraid to sleep without my back against the wall in case I had to defend myself. There was no "we" when the police wanted details that I was too ashamed to even admit to myself. No. There was definitely no "we" involved.
I knew I was bitter... It wasn't the first trait I would have picked for myself, but it was better than fear. I couldn't handle any more fear. I'd lived in it's grips for what were supposed to be the best years of my life and I couldn't let it own me any longer.
Part of me would probably always be afraid. I might never feel completely secure in a man's arms again, but to say this out loud was a whole other story. Its not that I felt I was hiding anything. If anything, I felt like people could see right into my nightmare just by looking at me. I couldn't have felt more like damaged goods if it was stamped on my forehead.
So, I have added another three pages but the plot is still driving me nutz because i want to make sure it makes sense and is cohesive and stuff...
So what i have in mind is that this main character has been trying to get over her past for a few years and thats left her with a lot of baggage--- then, she meets this really great guy and they start dating and he is awesome---and he believes in like fate, karma, God.... lots of stuff-and she has pretty much resigned herself to not believing in anything till she meets him. So the guy has a younger sister --who is 15 and she is already down the same road the main character went down and somehow the main character keeps her from something...like a rape or death or something...
. and i'm thinking that the boyfriend dies for some reason...and the main girl and the little sister have been banded together by everything.... i dont know... this plot isnt working out very neatly..
i want it to be a bittersweet ending but i think that is the problem...the working toward a certain ending doesnt let me play around too much with the writing...
<--- weird
okay, what if i got rid of the boyfriend.... i tihnk what i really want to keep is the main girl somehow saving someone elses life-- which in turn saves her life on a spiritual level. ---feedback anyone? i do have a good 24 hours left to work on this... but im not letting myself go to sleep tonight until i have at least a pretty goodbackbone for the story.