about myself...

thats the problem with having time for introspection-- i always learn way more about myself than i want to... between doing a lot of writing and pretty much breaking away from a group of friends... i have done a lot of that lately.

sometimes you know something..and you're almost aware of it...but you can't quite articulate it...
A few things like that went from being inarticulatable--- (hmmm..well thats sure not a word) to something i can put into terms...

So... over the past two days, I've been checking back and forth into two threads in the Whine Cellar--- (where i will be much more careful about posting in the future:eek: )

i dont even need to re-cover what they were about, because that isnt the point. The point is that i said something, and it came across in a way very differently than I meant it. Some people would have just let it go and said, screw it, let people think what they want about what i say...

I had to stick around until I was sure I'd made my point -to some degree... I mean, it wasnt a huge deal.. nothing in the thread was life-altering...

but... it's more than what was in the thread.. Its me...

Whatever the thread was about, i would have made myself keep responding until i said all i need to.. If it was a live conversation, it would be the same way-- and even more so than here (where i only know a few people on here in real life)

i guess this quality isnt necesarilly horrible-- sometimes it is positive and sometimes it probably gets in the way, or makes me look like i pay too much attention to things that dont deserve my attention.

but whatever it does to my life, i know that it stems from the times where I needed to have my point of view heard and it was either brushed off, discounted, or not believed--which was one of the most hard hitting things in the times i dealt with sexual assault and some other related stuff ( a few times in high school-- and junior high--- Long story... nuff said on that )

actually, that came up last night when this family friend was over... me, my parents, my sister, her fiancee' and my sister's old friend Cort were talking and somehow the Catholic Church Scandals came up--

i usually put in some kind of 2 cents when that is brought up-- that was one of the most infuriating things in the news i've ever heard--for a bunch of reasons...

but i kept quiet and squirmed in my seat till the topic was dropped--- i cant stand to hear anything like that with my parents in the room... because of their reactions when i dealt with that stuff--- very complicated reactions...nothing i want to go into right now..but yeah... and also, because they have no idea how that impacted my life--and how it affects me pretty much every day of my life---but even though they are clueless in that, i feel so transparent every time something like that comes up--- like everyone who makes eye contact with me knows everything. I dont know how else to explain it. Yuck.

I've been thinking about all of that lately--- the way it affected me in my past and how it does now... As I get older, I feel like i need to come to better terms with it... For a while i thought i had.but then i realized i wasnt satisfied with how i look at it...

No such thing as knowing too much about yourself.:)

Learning everything you can about yourself is the first step to self-mastery. Hang in there, you're doing good.:)

Have you tried seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? Some sort of counciling could be really helpful. Hey, I see a psychiatrist. There's nothing wrong with admitting you need help.

We've all got that topic of conversation that makes us clam up as soon as it's mentioned. We sit in an uncomfortable silence until the conversation moves on to another topic. Do the others know about what you went through? If they do, it was pretty rude to bring it up in front of you knowing how uncomfortable it makes you.
i feel so transparent every time something like that comes up--- like everyone who makes eye contact with me knows everything.
Let them know. Let them know that you'll never let it happen again too. If you watch the animal kingdom you'll see one kind of animal looking at the ground-- prey. Don't be the prey, Bonnie. Be the predator. Look those people in the eyes.

I'll bet your heart trip-hammered when you saw that I replied. :D Nah, I'm not giving you a hard time today. ;) Have a good day, Bonnie.

Hope you feel better.

Originally posted by Ponycar_302
Have you tried seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? Some sort of counciling could be really helpful. Hey, I see a psychiatrist. There's nothing wrong with admitting you need help.

We've all got that topic of conversation that makes us clam up as soon as it's mentioned. We sit in an uncomfortable silence until the conversation moves on to another topic. Do the others know about what you went through? If they do, it was pretty rude to bring it up in front of you knowing how uncomfortable it makes you.

Let them know. Let them know that you'll never let it happen again too. If you watch the animal kingdom you'll see one kind of animal looking at the ground-- prey. Don't be the prey, Bonnie. Be the predator. Look those people in the eyes.

I'll bet your heart trip-hammered when you saw that I replied. :D Nah, I'm not giving you a hard time today. ;) Have a good day, Bonnie.

hey, I've got nothin against getting help--- i couldve used some for sure when i was really dealing with this- when i was 14-15 especially...but idunno...

see the thing is... i dont clam up about it-- if someone brings up a topic like that i am one of the first people to say something either to help someone out-- or to make a point about it--especially since it's something sooo many people are uneducated about-- or misinformed. It can be uncomfortable, but usually i am pretty un-guarded about talking about it-- i almost feel obligated to say it for other people...

however with my family.. i do clam up like that...
i think mostly because htey have no clue about certain parts of it... aftermath and stuff like that... and that it wasnt just the one guy that they know that happened with...(because the time they know about was when i was 12 and everyone--them included brushed it off as kids being kids...)

I didnt think you'd come in here to give me a hard time...hehe-- but i have to admit i was a little worried when i saw your avatar... ;)

Originally posted by QtrHrsmn
Hope you feel better.

thank you

Originally posted by Prometheus
Hang in there, you're doing good.:)

yeah, ummm...not so much right now, but thanks for tryin