today sucked... it was my birthday
blah
im 20 now which basically means people will treat me like an adult when it is convenient for them, but whenever I WANT to be treated that way, i will be treated like a kid...
Excuse the bitterness , but i spent more than 7 very unsuccessful hours in a photo lab today

i know a lot of people who are really lame on Valentines day-- they say "uh oh, it's Singles Awareness Day"-- and talk about how lonely and incomplete their lives are...whatever.. february 14 is just a day... actually, i think if you are dating it is a special day, but if not,its not a day to be feeling pathetic.. you have the whole year to do that.. *rimshot*

but i had that pathetic feeling a little today.. not relationship wise--though " boyfriend" is definitely on my "birthday list"...but anyways...last year, i had these amazing friends who threw me a party and 20 of them came to see me perform in my improv show... which i kicked a$$ in....
and this year.. one of those friends called me.. we're gonna have coffee next week-- i have some very important things to tell her.. and i dont know how im gonna find the nerve to say it all...and i've come to realize some things about what it means in terms of my life and the way i want to live it-- in conjuctiion with being friends with these people.. and well...it just wasnt working...
and i invested a lot of time in those relationships with those friends....about 18 months... i neglected other friendships and didnt work on making other friendships grow.. so basically, they were all i had.. which was great.. they are a big group... even the tight knit group was enough people to have a party.,,,and now its just me again... im okay with that - at least for a while.. i am very independent in some respects... and for the next few months i am getting very disciplined in terms of working out, writing my novel, and doing well in school, all of which are thns that require me being on my own... but i also need people... a lot... and i dont have any.. i have a bunch of good friends literally spread across the globe.. yeah, so helpful... i need local friends... but i cant settle and i cant be something im not...people always commented on my "realness" in highschool.. okay that isnt a word..but i was always credited with being real.. no bull.. .treating people well.... stuff like that... and a lot of things in my life in the past 18 months have not been "real" and a lot of that is tied to my "friends" that i am not really talking to much these days...
but i wouldnt take back the time i spent with them.. i couldnt... God is very important to me-- and that was a very rocky area for me before i met them...
buit now that ive had a lot of time to think..im even more confused.. hehe.. acxtually i was gonna say, now tht ive had all this time to think.. i've realized that all the sneaking around made me really uneasy about Judaism.. like my parents dragging me to temple that one night-- i thought it was ridiculous, but i think it was just a lame temple... i think if i was "allowed:" i would go to church tho-- but when people ask me "what religion are you"-- well I am Christian AND Jewish.. does anyone want to argue with that? people have told me you cant be both... tho there is such a thing as "messianic judaism" i dunno...l think labels are total BS and just a way for us to further disconnect from each other and seclude ourselves...