wow... could I be more confused...
this is a weird feeling for me, and I really dont like it...
this-- not having any idea what to do, and knowing I have so little control over my situation....sheesh, and I thought i made a lot of big decisions in high school...

ok-- no more beating around the bush..
This thought just randomly occurred to me...

"What if I'm better without them?"
That is.. my friends.. My "supposed" friends, as I've been calling them lately.. (not to their faces..)
and it's not like "my so-called- life" they didn't do anything wrong (persay) and I'm not mad at them or anything... but still....

So why this sudden random thought/question?
Well.. before i met them, I was steadily getting to where I wanted to be in my life-- (and I was missing something very important that I got back after becoming friends with them) But other than that thing i was missing, life was good...

So..some chaos arose.. but it was still good.. I was moving forward, instead of back... I was on the right track...

Then it got shaky for a while--- and I attributed it mostly to NOT being with them...like I was okay with them, but i fell apart without them...

And when I got back to being around them, things did get good again...but briefly-- things were good for just a few months.. like an October to January thing...

Then it went downhil-and more this time than the others.. I'm talkin downhill from the end of January to pretty much the beginning of August...

and by downhill, I mean, 1) I had lost a great deal of weight, and was still doing so--but i had lost about 60 pounds.. and i had gained back almost 20...gradually... of course.

2) healthwise.... I had a lot of allergies and junk in high school-- and I was sick with colds or the flu pretty often.. in college, I had been doing better-- especially as I'd lost weight... at the high point, I was rarely sick, and when I was, I bounced back pretty quickly... At the low point-- February to a few weeks ago... I was getting sick frequently again...but more importantly, i coulkdnt shake any illness anymore-- over Spring break- i spent more than a week in bed with a flu that started out as a little cold or something, but got worse because I was so bummed out.

theres a lot of other stuff, but im to tired to go into it... and this is getting lengthy...

Anyways.... So i had this low point.... and throughout it, I was feeling upset about how the quality of my friendships was hurt by not being able to see them so much and a few other things... but once I decided that I need to be okay with not seeing them as much, things started to be okay again...

For the past two weeks-- things have been SO much better--
I've lost back a bunch of weight-- I dont know how much.. but at least my clothes fit me again...
And healthwise, I feel.. stronger...
I would have been working out these past few weeks but i had a heel injury of some kind- which seems to be healing, so i'll start on that in a few days.. but even without working out, I'm doing better...

For a while, i felt so.. disconnected.. it was like i wasn't even myself-- and im pretty much back now.. and It wasnt on purpose.. but it just happened... I dont know if this is making any sense.. but anyways.... now that things are back on track, I dont know what's gonna happen if i throw my friends back into the mix...
Like I've said before.. I'm just not so sure about them anymore--
I like them.. They like me... There are things I like about the group (especially the fact that they dont drink, do drugs, or sleep around) but like i've been pondering.. I just dont know think that is a good enough reason to hang out with them....
That chemistry jst doesnt seem to be there.. ANd actually, i think it was for a while.. and somehow it just isnt anymore...