Monster
08-12-2002, 01:50 PM
I will begin this journal, which I signed up for a long time ago and just never used, at the point in my life where I have only a few loose ends left to tie up before leaving for Pittsburgh to start my new life as a college freshman.
So to begin this journal, I will tell of the things I have yet to do regarding people in my life who won't be for much longer...
Earlier on this Summer, Wed. June 26th, 2002 to be exact, I received an e-mail from my now ex-girlfriend saying that she couldn't be more than friends with me, although she did like me as more than a friend, and she could never tell me why. This really deeply hurt me--I'm sure some of you know what this is like, that hollow, empty feeling like your chest just got emptied--but my story has a little kicker: I had chosen the same day to tell her I had fallen in love with her. Now I'm going to give the Reader's Digest version of the Cliff's Notes of my story, so it'll be pretty short.
We agreed to try being friends, stay in each other's lives, and I thought that's what I needed. Well, I have been away for the past two weeks (I returned Saturday afternoon) out at Maui and then at a theatre camp called Camp Bravo. During this week at Camp Bravo, I came to realize some things...
Summarized, these things all boil down to the primary loose end I must tie up: tonight I am calling my ex-girlfriend and telling her that I cannot have her be a part of my life anymore, and I cannot be a part of hers. This is mostly because I still love her, and I probably always will, but staying this close to her gives her a power over me that I am simply unwilling to give her since we are no longer together. Also, she never told me why she broke up with me, or even why she can't tell me why she broke up with me, and that took away all my closure that I needed to get on with my life. This way, I'll know the "why" from my end of this, and that should (and probably will) give me the closure I so desperately need to move on.
So in one week I will start my new life with this old one put safely behind me.
So to begin this journal, I will tell of the things I have yet to do regarding people in my life who won't be for much longer...
Earlier on this Summer, Wed. June 26th, 2002 to be exact, I received an e-mail from my now ex-girlfriend saying that she couldn't be more than friends with me, although she did like me as more than a friend, and she could never tell me why. This really deeply hurt me--I'm sure some of you know what this is like, that hollow, empty feeling like your chest just got emptied--but my story has a little kicker: I had chosen the same day to tell her I had fallen in love with her. Now I'm going to give the Reader's Digest version of the Cliff's Notes of my story, so it'll be pretty short.
We agreed to try being friends, stay in each other's lives, and I thought that's what I needed. Well, I have been away for the past two weeks (I returned Saturday afternoon) out at Maui and then at a theatre camp called Camp Bravo. During this week at Camp Bravo, I came to realize some things...
Summarized, these things all boil down to the primary loose end I must tie up: tonight I am calling my ex-girlfriend and telling her that I cannot have her be a part of my life anymore, and I cannot be a part of hers. This is mostly because I still love her, and I probably always will, but staying this close to her gives her a power over me that I am simply unwilling to give her since we are no longer together. Also, she never told me why she broke up with me, or even why she can't tell me why she broke up with me, and that took away all my closure that I needed to get on with my life. This way, I'll know the "why" from my end of this, and that should (and probably will) give me the closure I so desperately need to move on.
So in one week I will start my new life with this old one put safely behind me.