BonnieBon
08-04-2002, 03:36 PM
...I have a cold.. I feel pretty lousy.
Yesterday I missed my last musical theater workshop class at UCLA-- I was supposed to perform 3 songs... but I woke up with a really bad sore throat... and I had other plans this weekend, but I just don't feel so great... If i felt better in general, I know I wouldn't be sick in bed this weekend. But I am. So this morning my mom comes into my room and says "are you depressed?" and I said no.. And she said, "well, you're not happy.. What can we do to make you happy?" HAH... A couple months ago, I would have thought to myself "let me go to church and I'll be happy"--though I wouldnt have said that, even then...
And now, i feel like I've slipped so far back, and so many things have changed, that I dont even know what will make me happy. Last week I talked to a friend from church, the one who is my singing teacher now, and she asked if I was going to church on sunday.. I knew I wasn't, but i said I don't know... I always feel guilty when people ask me if im going, even though I know I'd go if i was able to... Trying to go to church on sundays can NOT b my focus anymore... And I'm not saying that I'm takjing God away from being in a position of priority, but its silly for me to dwell on trying to go to church when i know how much energy I waste, and am still not able to go. I tried to explain this to my singing teacher and friend KIm, and she simply didn't get it. I mean< i didn't even get to the point, because she was so far off base from what I was saying.. I feel like that with most, if not all of my church friends.
But I also feel another lack of connection with other people, like my fdamily, because they cannot even begin to grasp some things in my life, like the "God stuff"....
I'm going to get bakc on track. I'm not even sure how right now, but I will... and i have a feeling when i do, people are not going to realize what my life was like before i got back on track...to them, it will be like that time never existed.
Yesterday I missed my last musical theater workshop class at UCLA-- I was supposed to perform 3 songs... but I woke up with a really bad sore throat... and I had other plans this weekend, but I just don't feel so great... If i felt better in general, I know I wouldn't be sick in bed this weekend. But I am. So this morning my mom comes into my room and says "are you depressed?" and I said no.. And she said, "well, you're not happy.. What can we do to make you happy?" HAH... A couple months ago, I would have thought to myself "let me go to church and I'll be happy"--though I wouldnt have said that, even then...
And now, i feel like I've slipped so far back, and so many things have changed, that I dont even know what will make me happy. Last week I talked to a friend from church, the one who is my singing teacher now, and she asked if I was going to church on sunday.. I knew I wasn't, but i said I don't know... I always feel guilty when people ask me if im going, even though I know I'd go if i was able to... Trying to go to church on sundays can NOT b my focus anymore... And I'm not saying that I'm takjing God away from being in a position of priority, but its silly for me to dwell on trying to go to church when i know how much energy I waste, and am still not able to go. I tried to explain this to my singing teacher and friend KIm, and she simply didn't get it. I mean< i didn't even get to the point, because she was so far off base from what I was saying.. I feel like that with most, if not all of my church friends.
But I also feel another lack of connection with other people, like my fdamily, because they cannot even begin to grasp some things in my life, like the "God stuff"....
I'm going to get bakc on track. I'm not even sure how right now, but I will... and i have a feeling when i do, people are not going to realize what my life was like before i got back on track...to them, it will be like that time never existed.