Generally, how can a girl be fairly certain whether or not a guy likes her? I'm starting to get "vibes" from a good friend of mine, but I've never had quite this situation before... If you need more information, I'll be happy to provide it.

say

"DO you like me? or like me like me?"

If your getting vibes it's probably correct.

Vibes are often correct, but that doesn't mean something should be done about it. I have a couple female friends that I find very attractive. I give them the vibe that I like them - because I do. But if they were to ask me to move it to another level, I wouldn't want to go in that direction because I know that we would not work in that capacity. So even though I am very attracted to them, I wouldn't want them to ask me on a date. I've also been told I act differently than most guys when it comes to women, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me.

If he's humping your leg.... he likes you...LOL

Okay, I have definitive proof that he's interested in me (he e-mailed me and asked me out). I really like him, but I also know it would be a bad idea to go out with him. I don't want to outright reject him (I'm not that hard hearted) but I don't want to explain my reasoning either. Would any of you have taken it okay if a girl said she did like you but wouldn't go out with you anyway? Or does it sound like I would be lying?

Argh, I hate this.

If a girl said, "I like you but I don't want to go out with you and I can't tell you why." I'd think she was full of it. You have to explain yourself or things will most likely get sticky.

how can a guy be certain a girl likes him or not?

that's also another interesting question and one that faces me alot

First of all I've always thought of you as a 50 something eunuch, crazy what the internet does to create perceptions of people:)

I was always wondering how you had such peace and intelligence for being a guy (hence the eunuch thing).:D

As for letting the guy off easy. Don't. At the risk of sounding stereotypical, women tend to have much better understanding of emotional subtlety than us guys do. If you give him anything other than a clear (clear to a guy) no, he will solve that problem. We are problem solvers. Don't make up excuses, we will solve them. Simply state very clearly that it is not going to happen. Be gentle, and try and keep his ego warm, but make it clear, otherwise it will only hurt him more as he tries to find ways to get it to work.

Justin

I personally like the cold hard truth.
I hate being mindfarked by girls.

The worst line ever for a guy to hear:

"I just want to be friends"
or
"I just like you like a friend"
or
"Your like a brother to me"

It translates into... I want to cry on your shoulder, and tell you every heart wrenching detail about other arseholes I choose to date. You will then be fored to listen and pretend you care, then go home and what the hell is wrong with yourself.

-Æ (Jaded to love)

I personally wish I knew the truthful reasons when I get rejected.

"You smell funny"
"You are ugly"
"Your boring"

then I know what traits I have to work on.
Otherwise I'm just clueless, and cannot fix the problems, thus causing more rejection.

-Æ (ok... i'm done now)

Originally posted by Unrepresented
First of all I've always thought of you as a 50 something eunuch, crazy what the internet does to create perceptions of people:)

I was always wondering how you had such peace and intelligence for being a guy (hence the eunuch thing).:D

As for letting the guy off easy. Don't. At the risk of sounding stereotypical, women tend to have much better understanding of emotional subtlety than us guys do. If you give him anything other than a clear (clear to a guy) no, he will solve that problem. We are problem solvers. Don't make up excuses, we will solve them. Simply state very clearly that it is not going to happen. Be gentle, and try and keep his ego warm, but make it clear, otherwise it will only hurt him more as he tries to find ways to get it to work.

Justin

So I was a 50 year old male eunuch? Oh dear. You didn't check my profile, did you? It would have been fairly clear that I was in college, I think. I mean, I've been called mature before, but not quite like that.... :)

So you're saying I should just say I can't date him, and don't tell him why, because otherwise he's going to try and find a way around it?

Originally posted by ÆSiR
I personally wish I knew the truthful reasons when I get rejected.

"You smell funny"
"You are ugly"
"Your boring"

then I know what traits I have to work on.
Otherwise I'm just clueless, and cannot fix the problems, thus causing more rejection.

-Æ (ok... i'm done now)

Fortunately, or unfortunately, these sorts of things are not my problem with him. The big problem is I'm a Christian, and he's not. I can't--or rather, won't--let myself fall in love with someone who can't share such a big part of my life with me. And I don't want him to convert simply for my sake--that would destroy the entire purpose of Christianity in that it is a PERSONAL relationship with Christ. "Fixing" the problem for the wrong reasons would be almost as bad as not fixing it at all.

Originally posted by igofast
If a girl said, "I like you but I don't want to go out with you and I can't tell you why." I'd think she was full of it. You have to explain yourself or things will most likely get sticky.

It's not that I don't want to go out with him, but that I CAN'T go out with him. :p Semantics, I know, but an important set of semantics.

You can explain it to him, but don't try and make excuses, that he'll try to overcome. Like: "I would but..." sorta things. Make it clear that (if you do not want a relationship) you are not looking for a relationship.

You might explain extenuating circumstances that surround this if you are comfortable with it... but be clear that a relationship will not be the result in further interactions.

I know it sounds crappy, but offering him hope is probably the cruelest thing you can do. Be straightforward with him, but encourage him that although you're not the one for him, there are others, compliment him, (be honest no need to patronize), and set up things for the level of relationship you intend to have with him. Keep in mind that he's already changed the definition of your relationship to potentially romantic and NOT friendship as you see it. By asking you out he's more than likely already moved into a different catagory. Offer him friendship, but don't try and demand it. "I'd like to be friends," not "I see you as just a friend," Don't expect him to be too willing to agree to something or try and ensure it at that point. I'd recommend against setting up future plans at that occasion. Maybe call him a week later ask him to future plans if you do have interest in friendship with him. Don't try and haggle out a friendship agreement on the spot.

Think of this as a redefinition of your interactions. He's got a set that conflict with yours, and that conflict will only cause both of you more pain until they've reached a shared ground.

Justin

Makes sense. Thanks for the advice.

Uhhhh sapience,

I'm soooo shocked I really thought the feeling was mutual!!!

I don't think a good friend is going to give you vibes unless he either feels you need the extra attention or he feels you might be open to more than...friendship. Part of friendship is being sympathetic and I think that message could be sent in many ways. If he seems helpful in anyway, then I would say he is interested beyond friendship. Bottom line is, I would say its up to you.

Maybe he just wants to lend a hand:p

Can't help you really, but one thing is clear, if you like him-- don't be shy about it. Tell him how you feel.

Beating around the bush gets you nowhere.. unless you're in the sack:eek: :p

you won't go out with him because he's not a christian

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

wooo... that's funny.

why is that opposites attract? we all know they do..

it seems to me that the only reason you like him is b/c you can't have him.. b/c you feel unworthy or he is special b/c he is unattanable..

if you knew that you wouldn't date him from the beginning b/c of your religious beliefs, there should of been no question in your mind whatsoever..

Originally posted by Wedge
why is that opposites attract? we all know they do..

it seems to me that the only reason you like him is b/c you can't have him.. b/c you feel unworthy or he is special b/c he is unattanable..

if you knew that you wouldn't date him from the beginning b/c of your religious beliefs, there should of been no question in your mind whatsoever..

Well, the conclusion that I shouldn't date someone who wasn't a Christian wasn't exactly concrete in my mind, and I hadn't thought about it enough to even agree with it. I was perfectly ready to go out with him if he asked up until a few days ago. But some people close to me pointed out some of the problems we would have if we did date, and the realization I had was it wouldn't be fair to either of us to date. He would always have to come second, and I would be unable to share a huge portion of my life with him. That would not be healthy, and it's not worth the pain and suffering it would cause either of us.

Originally posted by sapience
Generally, how can a girl be fairly certain whether or not a guy likes her? I'm starting to get "vibes" from a good friend of mine, but I've never had quite this situation before... If you need more information, I'll be happy to provide it.

How much does he pay attention to her?

What does he remember of the things she tells him?

How much does he tell her he likes her without having to have sex?

Does he buy her gifts for no reason?

Does he take her side in public in any discussion?

Does he take her criticism of him with an interest that she might be right?

Does he criticize her when he thinks she is wrong (instead of ignoring it), and then act like he never felt anything was ever wrong by not holding a grudge for what he believed was wrong?

Does he ever apologize to her without being asked or having his error pointed out to him?

Does he give his attention to her in public, with minimal eye grazing the room?

But is there only a single reason for dating ? As in: To marry, have kids and what not? Isn't dating also about gaining experience with people, getting to know yourself and all that deep stuff?

I agree that if you feel so strongly about it, that he wouldnt make a good life's partner, but there is still SO much to gain for you in dating him. As long as he also realizes that you have your beliefs and that they're important to you. I say that you just go for it. You're still young, so there's no need to hook up with someone for life. Enjoy yourself (within the boundaries of your religion) and learn from everything you do.

It's best to make all the mistakes with him, than to hold off till you find someone you think would make a good life's partner, and then mess up because you lack the experience being in a relationship

just my €0.02

Originally posted by sapience


So I was a 50 year old male eunuch? Oh dear. You didn't check my profile, did you? It would have been fairly clear that I was in college, I think. I mean, I've been called mature before, but not quite like that.... :)

So you're saying I should just say I can't date him, and don't tell him why, because otherwise he's going to try and find a way around it?

I didnt read your profile, either, and I thought you were a guy, too!!!

No, if you are a believer, you two will NOT get along on the most basic of issues, like intimacy, and how far it will go. Places where to date, things to do on a date, what to watch on tv, how to talk to others and respond to others, What to do on Sundays, because you will be in church, he will want to go to....

Plus, God said don't do it!

Originally posted by sapience


Well, the conclusion that I shouldn't date someone who wasn't a Christian wasn't exactly concrete in my mind, and I hadn't thought about it enough to even agree with it. I was perfectly ready to go out with him if he asked up until a few days ago. But some people close to me pointed out some of the problems we would have if we did date, and the realization I had was it wouldn't be fair to either of us to date. He would always have to come second, and I would be unable to share a huge portion of my life with him. That would not be healthy, and it's not worth the pain and suffering it would cause either of us. AND there, lies a problem. No matter WHAT relationship you try to enter with someone, you're doomed to failure. You cannot put something above your relationship, and expect it to work. Won't happen. I'd wish you luck, but now that you've made that statement, it's clearly a waste of time.

He would always have to come second

Dare I ask, second to what?

god, duh

Originally posted by sapience


Well, the conclusion that I shouldn't date someone who wasn't a Christian wasn't exactly concrete in my mind, and I hadn't thought about it enough to even agree with it. I was perfectly ready to go out with him if he asked up until a few days ago. But some people close to me pointed out some of the problems we would have if we did date, and the realization I had was it wouldn't be fair to either of us to date. He would always have to come second, and I would be unable to share a huge portion of my life with him. That would not be healthy, and it's not worth the pain and suffering it would cause either of us.

I wouldn't solely rely on what friends had to say about him. How do you know he's not the one for you? God can be in your life and you CAN date. How do you know for certain he's not a Christian? Maybe this guy sees something in you that he himself would like to become?

I let my dad interfere with a relationship once - and yes it was the one that got away.

If religion is that important to you and you are hesitant in sharing your life with noone but God - I suggest a convent.

missionairy dating (which is what this is) doesn't always work.. but that doesn't mean you can't be his friend.. i know your tired of hearing this.. but your young, this is a pretty safe bet that you are not going to marry this guy.. the fact of the matter maybe that you don't know what you want.. so experiement.. i would say don't get emotionally attached to him, but go out and have fun.. i am sure god doesn't want you sitting at home missing out on your youth.. so do whatever you feel, and what you feel god would want you to do..

then of coarse i am a bit biased on this subject

:topic:

Man, there's SO much misunderstanding on this thread.

To the people who think that all relationships are doomed if you put God above everything else, no offense, but you are SO wrong.

It is true that if a strong Christian marries a nonbeliever, then the relationship could be doomed - and the Bible warns us to not be "unequally yoked" with unbelievers. 2 Corinthians 6:14 (http://www.biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=2COR%2B6%3A14-15&showfn=on&showxref=on&language=english&version=ASV&x=19&y=10)

But that is about a believer and a nonbeliever -- to say that ALL relationships are doomed is silly...and in fact the opposite is true.

There is a natural order to things, and in this order God is above EVERYONE - we (Christians) are not supposed to put anything above God, including our parents, relatives, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend and even our spouse.

About marriage... Marriage is more than just a legal union between a man and a woman. Marriage was established by God. Marriage was meant to be a sacred covenant, made before and guaranteed by God Himself.

"What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder" - Mark 10:9

God wants a husband and wife to be happily married, and so if we put His word first, then a marriage is not doomed, but it will be blessed, and it will stay together.

Hope that cleared things up.


Back on topic... :)


sapience - good luck with your situation! I would be honest with the guy... but anyway, I hope it all works out!

Originally posted by buttercup
God is above EVERYONE - we (Christians) are not supposed to put anything above God, including our parents, relatives, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend and even our spouse

I am glad that you're the godly one, and not me. There's no way i would ever be able to do that, even more so because I see absolutely no reason to believe in something as vague as god, and heaven and all that good stuff. For your sake I hope you're right, and that you won't feel totally scammed after you die.........

Originally posted by tam
I am glad that you're the godly one, and not me. There's no way i would ever be able to do that, even more so because I see absolutely no reason to believe in something as vague as god, and heaven and all that good stuff. For your sake I hope you're right, and that you won't feel totally scammed after you die.........
She isnt the only one who is waiting for a Christian to come into her life, there are others here.

What matters most, is what is our relationship with God? In eternity, there will be no marriage or giving in marriage:

Matthew 22:29 Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God.
30 For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.

While it is something that we do here on Earth, in eternity, it is meaningless. So, If I put personal relationships ahead of my relationship with God, then I am putting a temporary relationship ahead of an eternal one.

So, when it comes to waiting for the right one, it makes sense. Choose wisely!

Originally posted by tam


I am glad that you're the godly one, and not me. There's no way i would ever be able to do that, even more so because I see absolutely no reason to believe in something as vague as god, and heaven and all that good stuff. For your sake I hope you're right, and that you won't feel totally scammed after you die.........

well, I think that if you ever do become a believer someday, then you most likely will be able to put God first. :)

Not dating someone because they're not Christian sounds very UNchristian to me... I'm a little dissappointed.

I've dated tons of self described catholics with no problems.

Originally posted by Lowtide
Not dating someone because they're not Christian sounds very UNchristian to me... I'm a little dissappointed.

I've dated tons of self described catholics with no problems.

How is it Unchristian? I don't have problems with being his friend, or caring for him, or liking him as a person. I will treat him the same as any other human being, Christian or not. However, I see the ultimate purpose of dating as figuring out who to marry. To go into a dating relationship without that purpose is leading both him and myself on. It is in fact lying both to myself and to him.

And personally, I have problems with calling Catholicism christianity in a blanket statment. You can be Catholic and not be Christian. It's like saying I've dated self described baptists with no problems... it doesn't make any difference whether they're self described or not, it depends on the state of their heart, which few people are able to judge accurately. That is not to say you can't be Catholic and also a Christian, but from personal experience, some factors of Catholicism make it hard to be both.

Which brings me to someone else's question of how I know he's not a Christian: he says he doesn't believe specifically in God, but is a "practicing" Taoist. He doesn't believe the fundamental doctrines of Christianity. He respects the fact that I do, but doesn't believe them himself.

And what it all comes down to is the fact that I don't feel I can date someone without sharing at least some of my life with them; if that means leaving out my core beliefs and my relationship with God, then I can't do it. I've seen the way relationships have worked in my own family: the couples who claim to have put God first have survived more than 25 years of marriage, and the couples who said they didn't lasted less than half that long. It's only anecdotal evidence, but having seen why and how the relationships have broken, it's clear to me that I don't want a relationship where we both can't put God first. I want to be able to share my relationship with God with whoever I'm with, and it's simply not possible to do with someone who's not a Christian. I'm already feeling the effects, because when I go to Church I feel terrible that I can't share that relationship with the people I care about.

Several people have said "you're young, just have some fun" (oooh, that rhymes!) but I want to ask: why shouldn't I be serious about this? Habits are hard to break, and if I'm not serious about how I treat others now, how can I be serious ten years down the line? I probably wouldn't marry this guy if I dated him, but can I be sure? There's no way to tell, so I'm going to treat him and our relationship with all the gravity the situation deserves; I'm not going to stint him or me any respect, which is what I would be doing otherwise. I can have fun and still treat my life with respect. There's youth, and then there's stupidity.

If I'm right about there being a God, I won't feel scammed. If there isn't a God, then it won't matter one iota, because I won't feel anything at all.

you can kill two birds with one stone here, how to make sure his feelings aren't hurt, and to avoid dating him

just share that last post with him, and i guarantee he won't wanna date you anymore.

Originally posted by sapience
Generally, how can a girl be fairly certain whether or not a guy likes her? I'm starting to get "vibes" from a good friend of mine, but I've never had quite this situation before... If you need more information, I'll be happy to provide it.
offering wild, dirty, and kinky sex always helps. a face that contorts with disgust in response means no; the quick removal of clothing means yes.

Originally posted by mrWr0ng
you can kill two birds with one stone here, how to make sure his feelings aren't hurt, and to avoid dating him

just share that last post with him, and i guarantee he won't wanna date you anymore.

I'm with Mrwr0ng on this one... does GOD really need all that attention... I mean, he/she/it created the universe ya know...

Originally posted by Lowtide


I'm with Mrwr0ng on this one... does GOD really need all that attention... I mean, he/she/it created the universe ya know...

MONKEYS need that kind of attention. monkeys don't get nearly enough attention, especially not the attention they deserve.
and it says right here in Banana 1:13 : thou shalt ooo and aaa and there shalt be no other oooos or aaaas before the monkeys oooos and aaaas. ooo ooo, aaa aaa. :werd:

please pardon all the immature attempts to be funny and follow your heart.. thank you.. that is all

mrwr0ng, please refrain from posting any further in this thread

I'm not a big religion-fan either, but if you have nothing respectful and constructive to say to her, just don't say anything

Do you think their is a chance this guy was brought into your life for a reason? Perhaps you are the one to lead him to a relationship with God? It's possible, and it happens all the time.

Those are two different sorts of relationships. *If* I'm supposed to lead him to a relationship with God, then I don't need to date him to do it. In fact, it'd probably better if I didn't, because if things were to end badly I don't want my screwing things up to reflect on his perceptions of who God is. Granted, that could happen with a simple friendship too, but somehow romantic entanglements make things seem much larger emotionally than they actually are.

Originally posted by sapience
Those are two different sorts of relationships. *If* I'm supposed to lead him to a relationship with God, then I don't need to date him to do it. In fact, it'd probably better if I didn't, because if things were to end badly I don't want my screwing things up to reflect on his perceptions of who God is. Granted, that could happen with a simple friendship too, but somehow romantic entanglements make things seem much larger emotionally than they actually are.

could not of said it better myself..

i would say don't worry.. worry causes wrinkles.. remember that ANYTHING can happen in the future and in most cases, does.. just take life as it comes, stick to your beliefs and you know the rest.. ;)

Why not just ask? I cant speak for everyone but I prefer a direct approach.

regardless of weather he is a christian or not, and you are, or if likes caffine and you dont, or whatever, it doesn't matter if there is chemistry, you aren't old obviously and hopefully hes still below the 40's. look, life is too damn short to be worried with petty crap. i swear, if you dont give it a try, youll regret it, and youll always wonder what could've been, that goes for everything, not just relationships. try, what've you got to lose?

by the way, the church you attend, is it non-denominational? just a question, if not what is it? if you dont mind telling? if its too personal i apologize, you dont have to say.

Originally posted by Princess
Do you think their is a chance this guy was brought into your life for a reason? Perhaps you are the one to lead him to a relationship with God? It's possible, and it happens all the time.
He could also have been brought into her life to tempt her away from worshipping.

It is best to obey God in all cases, relationships with the unsaved and saved are no-no's.

Originally posted by phillycon
regardless of weather he is a christian or not, and you are, or if likes caffine and you dont, or whatever, it doesn't matter if there is chemistry, you aren't old obviously and hopefully hes still below the 40's. look, life is too damn short to be worried with petty crap. i swear, if you dont give it a try, youll regret it, and youll always wonder what could've been, that goes for everything, not just relationships. try, what've you got to lose?

Thing is, my religion is not like drinking caffein. It's not "petty crap". It's my life. It touches everything I believe and do. I don't think I'll regret saying no to him, if we can still be friends. I'll be incredibly sad if he decides he doesn't want anything to do with me, but right now I feel really at peace with my decision to say, thank you, but no.

As for my denomination, I'm a member of the Evangelical Covenant Church, though when I'm at school I attend the Evangelical Free Church because the nearest Covenant church is more than 40 minutes away (in contrast with 2 minutes... :)). It's a fairly small denomination, but I love it. They insist on belief in core doctrines (Deity and Humanity of Christ, Trinity, etc) but are relaxed on pretty much everything else. It allows for diversity without compromising on Biblical truth.

Originally posted by Banky

He could also have been brought into her life to tempt her away from worshipping.

It is best to obey God in all cases, relationships with the unsaved and saved are no-no's.

Banky, stay out of it. Your assumptions are bad ones, and, like Princess, there's no way for you to tell for what reasons I've met Chris. I don't need to know the reasons, I merely need to act in accordance with God's will: in this case, this means showing him my dedication to Christ and continuing to show him Christ's love through my relationship with him. Relationships with non-Christians are not no-no's, only marriage/dating-type relationships. There's an important distinction.