last saturday i was all pissy about going to church because although i was really glad to get to go for the first time since the beginning of June, there were a lot of other components to go along with it...
church was great--i was sooo glad to have gone, and still...
things are messy right now-- i know there is nothing i can do to fix this, especially right now, but.. i dont know... i dont even know what i want to do anymore
now-- i am kinda all pissy about getting to go to church again tomorrow (because the rents are still outta town)
I almost dont want to go.. and i really do want to go...
i just hate not being able to explain to my friends that even if i open a bible with my parents on the other side of the continent, i still feel like i am doing something horrible.. or if i go to anything church related like i am committing some kind of crime or betraying my family or something- I cant even begin to explain to them how much i have physically screwed myself over with this--- my body has just about shut down over this-- which makes me feel 1- like a weak person (and im not... i've made it through some pretty big stuff-- and on my own... i've become self -reliant (i've had to... ) so i'd think i'd have the coping skills for this, but i obviously dont....
i got the flu last semester and i couldnt shake it for soooo long.. I mean, ill give a week or maybe even two to the pure weakness of the flu.. but i was feeling awful for almost a month and i know i couldve recovered in less than two weeks were it not for the stress i was putting on myself.
i cant explain to my friends that i was so sick last saturday i was almost throwing up because i was upset about going to church and betraying my family... i was glad that i went--- i got a lot out of it as i always do and i got to see everyne.
i've been thinking about it being "worth" it too much....
but maybe that isnt the important factor...maybe as much as it is "worth" it... i still need to think about what else it is doing to me
i feel like as far as i've come through knowing God and stuff i've slipped back miles in terms of stuff i'd been building to for years...
this is really upsetting... for one, i spent from 10th grade to my first year of college losing almost 60 pounds... I gained back 20... no one noticed anything until i'd gained back 10.... then it was only my mom and my sister-- and i think people are still oblivious to it... i mean.. i dont know-- i see myself soooo differently from how other people see me.. soooo differently.. I mean.. at my lowest weight I was not nearly satisfied... but i didnt have that far to go to be happy.. and i was really okay for the meantime..
but now im miserable over that-- which spills into a lot of things.. like how i carry myself... like my presence when i walk into a room...i feel more insecure or self concious right now then when i graduated high school--but according to most if not all people-- i look better than i did then.. i went back to visit my old high school for their play and saw someone i hadnt seen since graduation and she was like "you look really good" and i was like. "ummm thanks." cause honestly, i am feel really *%@%^ about my appearance right now... its so weird cause i was thinhking about that the other day--working with my little munchkins at work
i am like ms popular counselor-- they gave me three counselor of the day awards already in two weeks... the kids swarm to me... and..well i dont hav emuch of a point here--just that it is funny to be sooo down on yourself and have other peope flock to you... i think it is good i am working with kids right now
anyways.. i will get back on track-- and get down to my lowest weight and lose 20 more pounds from there--- i dont doubt that at all-- and once i get back on track i will be okay--but honestly being upset over going to church isnt helping that situation much
and health wise i feel like i am putting too much strain on my body--- i never got headaches until this year..stuff like that...
so emotionally, spirituall and physically.. im a mess.
of course anyone from church wil say go to church at all costs--
but what if (and im not sure if this is the case.) anyways.. what if i figured out that stopping the church thing would get me back on track...i dont mean giving up on God or Christianity... i have no intention of that and never will...but maybe i need to make some adjustments... i know if changes are going ot be made im the only one who can make them... ughh-- this sucks-- i dont know what im doing...

Hi... I hope you don't mind me popping in here, but I just wanted to reply. I can kind of understand how you feel, and I know that its hard and frustrating when you have different views than your family. But (if you don't mind me saying this), I don't think you've done anything wrong, so stay strong, and try not to let the worry/stress get to you. I sometimes worry way too much, so I admit its easier to give that advice than to take it...but God tells us to not worry, but instead pray about our problems (and everything).

Also, its tough enough as it is... and as you probably know, there are spiritual forces that we wrestle against, (see Ephesians 6: 11-17) so going to church is a good thing and important for a few reasons. Not only is it fellowship with others, which is important, but with God... and it expresses our love and obedience for God. It helps build our spiritual strength, and that will help in the battles that we go through.

Anyway, I hope you feel better.... stay strong, and I'll pray for you! :)

Peace,
Cindy

Originally posted by BonnieBon
last saturday i was all pissy about going to church because although i was really glad to get to go for the first time since the beginning of June, there were a lot of other components to go along with it...
church was great--i was sooo glad to have gone, and still...
things are messy right now-- i know there is nothing i can do to fix this, especially right now, but.. i dont know... i dont even know what i want to do anymore
now-- i am kinda all pissy about getting to go to church again tomorrow (because the rents are still outta town)
I almost dont want to go.. and i really do want to go...
i just hate not being able to explain to my friends that even if i open a bible with my parents on the other side of the continent, i still feel like i am doing something horrible..
Bonnie, I can help you with your Bible if you like, there is no reason to ever be afraid to open God's word! It's what he wants us to do!:)

BonnieBon...the day will come when you eventually need to be honest....and *I* believe (not saying this is your situation of course) that the time comes when you need to tell everyone to go screw themselves because its your choices and your life path and think about how much they truely care about whats going on in your life and you personally.

Making yourself ill over something that you can take charge of if you really decide to go forth 150%, isnt the answer....nor will it help, as you know.

But I dont have a church for my path in life.....so I cant relate to that path.....maybe if you go somewhere thats not a church to connect with God and read your Bible......to quote an old saying (ok i heard it on Dawsons Creek once) "You dont have to be in Gods House for Him to hear you".