okay-- i could talk about my day which was totally fun...for the most part, or my week which had alot of good things in it, but instead I'll get straight to the ****.

the rents' are outta town so i get to go to church tomorrow. the last time I went was like the first or second week of june..so it's been awhile. I am...or at least was really excited and happy to be going...but gradually that faded away and now i don't feel so great about this...

see this is one of the main reasons this whole situation troubles me...because it makes me so angry-- i mean, so much about it...and i cant tell people that- especially the people involved.. .and i mean, forget how my parents play into it for a sec.. it would probably help a lot if the people who are supposed to be on my side could hear where i was cxoming from, but i honestly dont see myself telling them. i just dont think i can handle hearing that all of this is "God's will" anymore... and i think that has a lot to do with why i havnt told them a lot of stuff about the things that originally kept me away from religion or God and that ended up bringingme back in some ways... luckily, i feel pretty settled and comfortable about how God plays into all those things, but Im not so sure about the way I feel about how my friends play into that... i think its hard just because i know their reaction about that would be important and if they told me that some things that happened where merely "Gods will " i wouldnt be able to look at them the same way...

anyways... im going to church tomorrow-- or actually it is past 12..so today.. and at this moment i am feeling like- why am i doing this? and i hate that i have to feel like that.
because, i do want to go... I want the freedom to be able to go to church and i like going and i am always glad ive gone.. but i dont feel like i can go on like this-- and what's more, i dont know how to tell that to any of the people who know i want to go to church and expect to see me there

i feel like im in wayyyyy over my head
i just... ughhh
i feel like im running around in circles...
because i come to the conclusion that things are not acceptable the way they are right now, but then something deters me from changing things or anything and then i go back to it and i cant stand this anymore. i really cant

i hate that im lying to my parents ---and honestly, for the people who encouraged me not to ever lie to them about going to church or whatever, id have to say my friends are pretty dense to think i should feel fine as long asi dont look them in the eye and lie to them.... they also dont get that i cant just take out my bible and read in my house without feeling sick about it... i dont know how to communicate with them about this- evne if i could bring it up...i dont know...

first thing... settle down.. breath.. and calm down

(ok, so that's the first three things)

but seriously.. go to church tomorrow.. i would go but it's 4am here and i am still awake.. but don't go if you are going to have a bad attitude about it.. one painfully lesson i have learned about church is that, you won't get anything out of it, unless you give up yourself.. that's my reason for not being in church.. (and yes, i know that's it's still my fault, i am fully aware of that ;))

but don't worry, remember that God doesn't want you to worry, and is bigger then these problems.. (wow, i am going to be a preacher.. ) :)

Ok in a round about way I sort of know what you are going through....your parents will not accept you are a Christian from memory yes?

And it sounds like you want to "come out" to everyone who matters and just be honest, remove the burden etc.

I had to tell my Protestant parents that I was a Witch, not fun.....but like you I was sick of just hiding what the truth was, I was uncomfortable doing what made sense to me, because it was their house and it was against everything that they believe in.

One day I just got so sick and tired of the sneaking around **** and took my latest aquisition of a book on the Craft I was reading and plunked it down in front of mother......she was pissed, but there wasnt much she could do in the end except be pissed off......I wasnt chaning my mind about my life and I didnt want her to change hers either....

It became one of the things we dont talk about in my family...its there but she doesnt acknowledge it and I can stroll around reading my Witchy stuff or working on my BOS in the warm living room while they watch TV.........

At the end o the day BonnieBon, really think about what will happen if you tell people, what will your parents and friends think? How will they honestly react......are you afraid you will get thrown out of home or something like that? I would hope that your parents loved you more than your religion, if they cant, then do you really want to be there?

End of random babbling :)