This may not be everyone, but for me it applies.

It seems to me when a relationship I am in goes south, I seem to feel like a failure. Of course I am sad about things not working out, but I am also questioning my part in the relationship. Like I could do more, or I could stick around and try harder, etc.

I had to admit that I have actually stayed in a relationship, because I did not want to think of the fact, I failed to make things work. Truth was, It just would not have worked, it wasn't meant to work.

Is this making any sense to anyone??

Makes a lot of sense. Part of it is the knowledge that a relationship is partially successful or not due to one’s own efforts. However, a lot of that could also be putting too much of your sense of self-worth as being contingent upon how the relationship works. For example, we broke up, I’m not sure why, therefore I now thing I am defective in some way. But this is seldom the case.

Have to learn to be content with yourself as you are, and then you’ll be more able to handle it when things go wrong in other parts of your life- work, friends, etc.

It makes sense but you can't compromise your values and standards to make someone else happy or to make yourself feel like less of a failure. You live and you learn and not all relationships are meant to work. They are meant to be a growing experience for you to learn about yourself so that when you find the right person, you will know!

part of a relationship is the work you put into it, but the other part is just chemistry and if you two suit together. Sometimes you could give your all, and it's still just not right, and in truth, ya work at a relationship, but you dont want to work SO hard at that it feels like work.

Sometimes ya have to just accept you did what you could, and not feel that your best still makes you a failure.

Well, whether or not you're getting dumped or dumping, when it's all said and done, you end up at the same place.

Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there. We can't Mr/Ms Right for everyone, now can we?

But I concur, the question gets posed "what could I have done differently" or "What did I do to make them think THAT?".

Ya know I always felt that if i see someone making changes for me ( maybee the way she treats people ) i will note it and perhaps i can make similiar adjustments to the way i do things for her ( haha maybee again same exampl as in the way i treat people. )

I mean sure we can change for someone to please them. BUT the hard part is drawing a line as soon as we see that the changes someone would like us to make, cross a certain boundry to where we are not comfortable with said proposed changes.

Thats when you just say screw it, have a nice life...im going back to being who i was for better or worse.

For example, if a girl that i was going out with said, you really need to spend more money on me ( example only )...I would have to politely tell her to go and F-herself while I laid patches in fron of her street.

So in conclusion i would have to say that do not feel like a failure if you reached a point as to where change ( or "trying to make something work" ) didnt work out, no one is at fault its just something that doesnt comfort you.

I hope that made sense, and more importantly helped.

i feel the same way sometimes (read: all the time including now)

it shouldn't be like this, but sad to say.. it is

I was discussing this thread with my boyfriend, and he had a most neat analogy,... i was surprised. ;) I warn you, sometimes even I dont understand his analogies ;)

He was saying it's like a jigsaw puzzle, say we started doing the puzzle at my house, and then brought it to his house and lost a couple pieces along the way. We didnt notice we lost the few pieces, ones that completed the puzzle, until we finished the whole thing,... but in the long run it really doesnt matter. It might've mattered when we first found out the pieces were gone, but in the long run, did not having those pieces make the puzzle any less enjoyable? Can we not see the whole picture just as well, even though we are missing just a few pieces? And isnt the puzzle completed to the BEST of our ability? (that's a success not a failure)

His point was, even though the ppl he went out with before didnt work out, they didnt have all the puzzle pieces when they were together, that doesnt mean it was any less enjoyable having spent that time with them. Even though it didnt pan out in the long run, it was still worthwhile in the short run. --so why feel like a failure?

Originally posted by turtle_o
I was discussing this thread with my boyfriend, and he had a most neat analogy,... i was surprised. ;) I warn you, sometimes even I dont understand his analogies ;)

He was saying it's like a jigsaw puzzle, say we started doing the puzzle at my house, and then brought it to his house and lost a couple pieces along the way. We didnt notice we lost the few pieces, ones that completed the puzzle, until we finished the whole thing,... but in the long run it really doesnt matter. It might've mattered when we first found out the pieces were gone, but in the long run, did not having those pieces make the puzzle any less enjoyable? Can we not see the whole picture just as well, even though we are missing just a few pieces? And isnt the puzzle completed to the BEST of our ability? (that's a success not a failure)

His point was, even though the ppl he went out with before didnt work out, they didnt have all the puzzle pieces when they were together, that doesnt mean it was any less enjoyable having spent that time with them. Even though it didnt pan out in the long run, it was still worthwhile in the short run. --so why feel like a failure?

very very well put.. i am going to have to remember that one

it's not about the destination.. it's about the journey there

*ok, yes i know it wasn't as good, but cut me some slack, i like it ;)*

Turtle-o

Sometimes that guy of yours, just knows how to put things into perspective.

Gator- Thanks for the advice!

and to think... it was PAT!!
he really isnt so different on the computer than he is in real life.... talk about surprises!

people that find out that there relationships do fail should be happy that they got a chance to try.. just b/c they are destined to be together doesn't mean they don't care.. and that is hard to remember and getting over someone

Yeah, I definitly feel like once I've invested time in someone, they have atleast a tiny piece of my heard, and my determination to atleast be the best we can be together even if it's only friends. When it fails it's like that much of my heart is gone and unreedemable...I can't explain it any better than that....

I find it distressing when it's not enough that you get blown off after you feel you've made a connection (or at least, didn't make a bad impression), and than insult is added to injury by having them and their friends make a total mockary of you.

I generally at least offer friendship in the end!

Some relationships are had just so you can learn one thing from them. From friendships to love relationships ... do not feel like a failure if it does not work out, figure out what lessons you can take from them and learn, then you know that the relationship was not a waste of time.