My fiancee and I have been living together now for over two years. I have a very healthy sex drive and there are some things that I like to do that she will have nothing to do with. As a caveat, she was sexually assaulted by two men almost 10 years ago.

I love her dearly, and we get along perfectly in every other respect. I understand that her attitudes regarding sex have been greatly influenced by this horrible event in her life, and I need some help trying to find a way to make things in the bedroom a bit more interesting without making it painful for her. I have asked her about couselling, and her attitude about that is that it doesn't work and she has dealt with this event in her life without it, but I can't help thinking that all that means is that she has meticulously bottled that entire episode up in the vault and hasn't really dealt with it.

We do have sex, she's on top always which is fine, but she does not like any other form of stimulation, manual, oral or position, well sometimes missionary if she is tired. I want to do more in the bedroom and more frequently than we do, but mostly I want to give her more pleasure, but it seems sometimes like she's just doing her duty as my partner and it's very mechanical. On the plus side she does once and a while have orgasms but not very often, and usually she just wants me to finish up quickly.

Maybe I'm complaining and shouldn't be? I guess I just want to make sure she doesn't get bored with me, so maybe I should just shut my mouth and enjoy what I am getting? Are there any women in the forum here that have been assaulted who can give me some insights to help me to help her to maybe overcome some of these barriers she has put up? It's not that I'm being selfish, please don't look at this post as a "how can I weasel more sex out of my partner", it's more a case of I want to help her to heal those wounds and someday really be able to let go and experience the full pleasure of a sexual relationship, which of course means being ok with losing control. I am a real giver in the bedroom and she is the first woman I have been with that isn't that interested in getting so I guess that is what is confusing me.

Have you tried very gently coercing her into doing different things while having sex? I find it hard to believe that if you gently removed her from on top of you to say a sideways position that she would just shut down and say no. Well maybe she would but its still worth a try. I wouldnt mention counselling but I would gently communicate that "we should try new things, it would be fun." I think the key to it is being gentle and nice so as not to come off hungry and disappointed which may put her off.

Did she ever get therapy for her sexual assault trauma?

If not, I'd say start there. She could easily have some undealt-with issues that are, for lack of a more graceful term, clogging up her sex drive.

Not a female, but I've been in relationships with women who were indifferent to sex. You're not going to change anyone's nature. If there is "fixing" to be done, it will come from her, not you.

You can either adapt to her pace, or you can end this relationship and find someone who shares your appetite. Only you can determine which choice is healthiest for you.

That's a difficult situation given her past assault. Therapy would definitely be the first thing I'd suggest. I understand her not being more adventurous and into it, but at the same time, sex is a big part of a relationship, and I know it'd be hard for me to be with someone who didn't have a healthy sex drive similar to mine. I guess you just have to be honest about it and let her know that it bothers you, but that you're understanding and supportive, and then I think you'll be able to come to a solution/compromise. Good luck!

Maybe I'm complaining and shouldn't be? I guess I just want to make sure she doesn't get bored with me, so maybe I should just shut my mouth and enjoy what I am getting?
:yeahthat:

Gibby, you have a checkered past with your own issues regarding sexuality, and several people here have recommended that you seek therapy to deal with some suppressed issues. While I respect your position, and understand why you would agree with this quote, somebody who has been through a sexual trauma should see a therapist.

And a partnership where the sexual drives are seriously unbalanced isn't healthy either. It leads rather inevitably to resentment, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy--as evidenced by the OP. Taking the "yeah, that" approach doesn't really solve the issues. It ignores them.

O P, if she refuses to deal with what trauma she went through, you may never resolve your problem. She needs to be willing to work it out and face some emotional issues which she is apparently bottling up. Can or have you been able to discuss this incident openly with her, or is she unwilling? She may also somehow be feeling guilty and at fault herself for the assault, and thereby won't allow herself to let go sexually because of that issue. Being on top is her attempt at control, and she may prefer that position just to feel like she isn't being raped, and having those horrible memories come flooding back to her. I honestly don't know how you solve this, unless you eventually win her trust over and she relaxes. It still sounds to me like she needs to come to grips with some buried emotions over this incident.

Gibby, you have a checkered past with your own issues regarding sexuality, and several people here have recommended that you seek therapy to deal with some suppressed issues. While I respect your position, and understand why you would agree with this quote, somebody who has been through a sexual trauma should see a therapist.

And a partnership where the sexual drives are seriously unbalanced isn't healthy either. It leads rather inevitably to resentment, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy--as evidenced by the OP. Taking the "yeah, that" approach doesn't really solve the issues. It ignores them.
I agree that she can seek therapy for her own issues and if that works it out, phenomenal. I don't think that they should break it off because of it. I don't think it should be that big of a deal. You have to love the person you're with for who they are. What happens when they grow old or if (God-forbid) one of them is in an accident where they can't have sex anymore? A marriage needs to be able to withstand that...

In and of itself, it's not a big deal. And I agree with all of your other points.

Even with therapy, I don't think that something as simple as a mismatched sex drive should be enough to end a marriage. You sorta bought the cow already with that one, you should stick with the milk you get from it.

As another point of consideration, more as a "this is the internet, after all" type of argument, we know nothing of the OP. He could have been sexually abused as well and could have a hyperactive sex drive as a result of it. She could be perfectly adjusted and have worked through her issues, and the problem could be in his head (pun intended).

Just food for thought.

I can think of three solutions:

1. Get her into therapy. (probably the best one) Explain to her that this is important to you. Even if she says she doesn't need it, ask her to humor you.

2. Break up with her and hook her up with a guy with zero sex drive, like Gibson

3. Let her tie you up and whip you. Hey, she likes being in control of the sex, right? Why not take that to the next level.

No, I'm not kidding.

I'd echo what others have said. Therapy is a hugely good idea. Sex is a form of intimacy and if you have different concepts of what is appropriately intimate, you are going to be in for some very rough times.

The points raised are much appreciated. She has had therapy but her conclusion was that it was a useless exercise for her. Maybe I should clarify, we DO have sex, and I would not be willing to break it off just because of the mismatch in our sex drives. She said I was the first man she was able to share this horrible event with, and even when she did there was not a great deal of detail, and I of course did not push the issue as I could tell that the memory of it brought her to the brink of tears. She has even admitted to me that her sex drive is fairly weak, and told me that she in the past has asked her doctor about it, and he seemed to think that it should get stronger with age, she is going to be 28 this week.

It is also a possibility that it is related to an eating disorder she had as a young girl/teenager and perhaps her hormonal development is delayed because of an anorexia issue. She is perfectly healthy now, has been for quite some time, but malnourishment when younger going through puberty may have something to do with it.

I guess I'll just have to be patient, stay the course, boost her self image (it's mind boggling how many women I know hate how they look even if they are gorgeous, like my girl) and try and gently push her into new things, and see how it goes. I must admit that I have an extremely high sex drive, so I should probably just realize that she probably will never be the horny bastard I am, but it would be nice if she at least got half way between...lol.

So, just to clarify, what you're telling us is that you're dating a former anorexic who doesn't like sex and has low self-esteem.

Or you could get married and then the sex stops on its own, and you won't have anything to worry about. :|

So, just to clarify, what you're telling us is that you're dating a former anorexic who doesn't like sex and has low self-esteem.

Are you just making an observation or do you have something of value to add? If putting things in pigeon holes works better for your brain then so be it. I suppose your life is nothing but a bowl of cherries then huh?

Or you could get married and then the sex stops on its own, and you won't have anything to worry about. :|

She already knows that if that is the case then she will suffer the same fate as my ex. If the sex dissappears, then so do I.

raen,
Was her sex drive weak before this happened to her, or only since then? I don't think the eating problem has anything to do with this. Also, has she had a thorough physical, and gynecological exam lately? She may also have some real physical scarring ( in addition to the mental trauma ) that may make sex uncomfortable for her.
If you can somehow gently and sympathetically open her up emotionally enough to discuss this terrible experience with you calmly, you may get her to eventually relax and not respond to you as rigidly controlled as she seems to be doing now. It will take a great deal of patience and probably some time on your part, but the one favorable thing is that you're the very first man she's even talked to about it, so there is the element of her trusting you. That's very important. Good luck for you both.

raen,
Was her sex drive weak before this happened to her, or only since then? I don't think the eating problem has anything to do with this. Also, has she had a thorough physical, and gynecological exam lately? She may also have some real physical scarring ( in addition to the mental trauma ) that may make sex uncomfortable for her.
If you can somehow gently and sympathetically open her up emotionally enough to discuss this terrible experience with you calmly, you may get her to eventually relax and not respond to you as rigidly controlled as she seems to be doing now. It will take a great deal of patience and probably some time on your part, but the one favorable thing is that you're the very first man she's even talked to about it, so there is the element of her trusting you. That's very important. Good luck for you both.

I don't think it is a physical thing, she has had orgasms with me, just not very often, well at least that's what she says. I think you're right, maybe it's just a matter of time, perhaps as she gets a bit older she may have more courage to let herself go and enjoy herself. I don't want to paint a dissmal picture here, we do have sex, just that it seems somewhat mechanical on her part like she's doing her duty, but could go without it. I've heard of products to help stimulate the female libido, so perhaps that is something to try.

I don't think it is a physical thing, she has had orgasms with me, just not very often, well at least that's what she says. I think you're right, maybe it's just a matter of time, perhaps as she gets a bit older she may have more courage to let herself go and enjoy herself. I don't want to paint a dissmal picture here, we do have sex, just that it seems somewhat mechanical on her part like she's doing her duty, but could go without it. I've heard of products to help stimulate the female libido, so perhaps that is something to try.

I think her mental attitude must be the greatest part of this "block" concerning her present condition, if there's nothing physically wrong with her. I guess patience and gentle tolerance on your part will hopefully ease up that problem for her. If she realizes that you will listen and still care for her regardless, she may eventually be able to vent her feelings about her experience and finally begin to heal in that way, too.

My fiancee and I have been living together now for over two years. I have a very healthy sex drive and there are some things that I like to do that she will have nothing to do with. As a caveat, she was sexually assaulted by two men almost 10 years ago.

I love her dearly, and we get along perfectly in every other respect. I understand that her attitudes regarding sex have been greatly influenced by this horrible event in her life, and I need some help trying to find a way to make things in the bedroom a bit more interesting without making it painful for her. I have asked her about couselling, and her attitude about that is that it doesn't work and she has dealt with this event in her life without it, but I can't help thinking that all that means is that she has meticulously bottled that entire episode up in the vault and hasn't really dealt with it.

We do have sex, she's on top always which is fine, but she does not like any other form of stimulation, manual, oral or position, well sometimes missionary if she is tired. I want to do more in the bedroom and more frequently than we do, but mostly I want to give her more pleasure, but it seems sometimes like she's just doing her duty as my partner and it's very mechanical. On the plus side she does once and a while have orgasms but not very often, and usually she just wants me to finish up quickly.

Maybe I'm complaining and shouldn't be? I guess I just want to make sure she doesn't get bored with me, so maybe I should just shut my mouth and enjoy what I am getting? Are there any women in the forum here that have been assaulted who can give me some insights to help me to help her to maybe overcome some of these barriers she has put up? It's not that I'm being selfish, please don't look at this post as a "how can I weasel more sex out of my partner", it's more a case of I want to help her to heal those wounds and someday really be able to let go and experience the full pleasure of a sexual relationship, which of course means being ok with losing control. I am a real giver in the bedroom and she is the first woman I have been with that isn't that interested in getting so I guess that is what is confusing me.

Hmmm......(I know this thread is old, but I'll respond anyway)....Unfortunately, I was also a victim of sexual abuse in the past and obviously, it did take some time for me to trust and feel safe with another person, let alone be intimate, but once I got past that obstacle, my sex drive went back to normal...but that's me....she obviously has her guard up and is not ready or afraid to let it down. If you love her dearly, continue to love and support her. Be gentle and patient....It is very difficult to help someone if they refuse to help themself or are ready to do so.

Explore other avenues in life to relate to her. Maybe she just needs more time to heal. Give and don't expect anything back. Keep on giving and support her. Let her know she can trust you. Don't give up on her. She's worth it.

Much thanks to those giving positive advice or input. I definately will not end our relationship because of this, I am really more interested in helping my mate break free of her past once and for all. As an update I discovered that she was treated quite poorly emotionally by her father (her natural parents divorced at age 7 I believe). In speaking recently to her natural mother I found out that her father belittled her on a continuous basis, "she was stupid", she wasn't allowed to cry for God sakes, when she was in Grade three she won an award for the play she put on and his comments were to the effect that it really meant nothing and walked away. When she completed her culinary training, he again made her feel worthless, did not even acknowledge her achievement.

I am beyond angry with this man because I had no idea how much of a monster he is. When we were married in September my wife was walked down the aisle by her father and grandfather (on her mothers side, who has been a very supportive man in her life). Her mother told me she suspects she only had her father walk her down the aisle as well because of fear of retribution. When she (my wife) was younger she went for counselling that her mother suggested, well her father got her a "new" counsellor who basically blamed her for everything, imagine that, I would love to get these people in a room and shoot them all for destroying someone's childhood completely.

I feel so terrible for even feeling bad about the sex, but I just want to heal this person. She has told me she hates cousellors will never go to one and now I know why, but I know she needs something, I have to convince her to see someone who she can trust. Trusting men obviously has been a huge issue in her life, and she basically spent a great deal of her childhood without a loving parent redily available.

I pretty much have a good idea what to do here, but it's the doing that will be hard. I will have to risk offending her or making her mad at me, but it's the band aid that needs to be ripped off here. She can't spend the rest of her life with this crap inside her. I am definately open to suggestions.