:D

Well, IF you can call it a "novel"--it's only twenty two or so pages on microsoft word. :p

But still, yay! :D I'm about fifteen pages into the sequel, as well. <3 Let me know what you think! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter One

I throw my suitcase into the trunk of my brother's '98 station wagon, doing my best to not even give Blake a second glance. He doesn't deserve it. "Don't be such a drama queen," he says, grabbing my arm. So I give him that glance; it's cold, hard, and reflects the new found hate I have for him.

"Listen," he says, his voice carrying that fake-honey tone I've learned not to trust. "All it will take is one trip to the hospital, a tiny procedure....and then we can continue our lives together without interruption."

"I am NOT doing it, Blake. Nothing you can say is going to change my mind." I rip my arm from his clammy grip. "Good bye."

I slide into the passenger seat and slam the car door. Evan backs out of the gravel driveway, as eager to get out of here as I am. Blake watches us go; but the emotion on his face isn't what it should be; no sadness, no instant loneliness from being separated from me. It's anger; he's angry that his life plan is now ruined, and he hates me for being the one to destroy it.

I rip my gaze away from this man that I no longer know. Without thinking, I start twisting my engagement ring back and forth on my ring finger, and begin to wonder what it was that made me say 'yes'. Was I absorbed into the moment? How could I have been so blind through out the entire relationship?

* * * * *
I feel his weight against me, pain surging through my wrists. The word forms in my throat, the one word that could end this all right now. So I say it; "No." Not only once--I repeat the supposed magic word over and over, but again and again my pleas are ignored. I try to fight back--I struggle and kick, but he’s so much stronger than I am--it’s no good.

I finally give up, closing my eyes tight in an attempt to shut out the world I can handle no longer. When I open them again, he lies by my side, smiling.

******

At Evan's touch on my shoulder, I jump awake; tears are streaming down my cheeks, and I realize I've been crying. He stares at me, concern in his eyes. "Hey, hey…what's wrong?"
I shake my head. I can't tell him about It, and how it haunts my dreams. "Just a bad dream," I say, and instinctively place my hand on my abdomen, as if I can protect it from all the evil that resides in this world.

His eyes still hold concern, but Evan nods, and gives me a kiss on the top of the head. He's always treated me the same way he did when I was a little kid; sometimes it would bug me, but now it's like a comfort thing. He gives me a worried smile, and slowly exits his living room. I roll over on the couch, trying to calm my mind. I eventually fall into a half sleep, in an attempt to stay in the waking world to hide from my dreams.

*****

"Kid, I am NOT taking you to a homeless shelter!"

I sigh, folding my arms. "Evan, I can't stay with you. Not many places will hire me right now, so I can't really work.....I'm not staying in your home and eating your food for free!" I pause. "And I'm not a kid; I'm eighteen years old. I'm LEGALLY an adult."

Evan rolls his eyes at me, MY move. "Maddy. Listen to yourself. Since when has the law effected my thinking?"

I can't help it; I laugh. I shouldn't, since this is a very serious argument. "Evan, please." I look up at him, with the puppy dog look in my big, brown eyes that has always worked on him in the past. "I can't stay here cost free. I can't put that burden on you. I--"

"MADS." He grabs me by my shoulders, and I immediately tense. He doesn't notice at first, and keeps going. "You're my little sister. I practically RAISED you--you’re still the same little runt from a few years ago. Do you really think anything has changed?”

"Well--" I say timidly, attempting to relax in his grip; pull it together, Maddy. It's just Evan. I repeat this in my head over and over, but I'm still tense. Less than before, though.

"No, it hasn’t !" he finishes before I can answer. He seems suddenly aware of my discomfort, and immediately lets go. I can't help it; I relax completely. Hurt flashes in Evan's eyes, but only for a moment; it quickly switches to concern, like I was afraid it would.

"I'm tired," I say, focusing my eyes on my shoelaces. "We'll talk about this later." I give him a quick hug, head to his spare bedroom, and sleep for hours.


Chapter Two

It had taken most of this morning to clear out Evan’s spare room; thus leaving me to sleep on the couch last night. After clearing the room out, though, it looks pretty nice.

Just like I left it two long years ago.

Having been a sixteen year old runaway, the room never looked like my old one at home; it’s rather plain, like an office or a storage room rather than a bedroom. But there are a few traces of sixteen year old me left behind; midnight blue nail polish on the nightstand, a picture of my little sister under my pillow.
Larain.

I feel guilt creep over me. I had left her, all alone to deal with our father. But, what can I do? What could I of done? She was only eleven when I left, so I couldn’t take her with me....it would have been kidnapping. Should I have stayed with her, attempted to protect her?

I roll over on the soft bed that still smells like me. No sense of worrying about it now; my parents had gotten divorced soon after I left, so she is safe. But will she resent me for leaving her? I guess I’ll find out in this coming week, when I finally get to see her again. I slowly fall into a half-sleep, memories of the past few months flooding my mind.

********

“I don’t want to do this.” My arms are folded self consciously over my stomach and chest. I’m shaking, though I’m attempting to steady myself. I look up at him and he smiles.
“I’ve talked to you about this before, remember?” he lightly strokes my arm with the back of his hand, as if he’s attempting to comfort me. It doesn’t help.

“Blake--stop.” I bat his hand away, and slide towards the edge of our bed. I turn to look at him again. He’s not smiling anymore--he has a expression of frustration and hurt mixed into one.

He grabs me by each of my arms--hard enough to hurt, but not badly--and looks me in the eye. “I love you,” he begins.

I downcast my eyes. "I know," I say. "But--"

“But nothing.” He lays down on the bed, pulling me down next to him. He gives me a delicate kiss on my chapped lips. “I do this because I love you so much,” he pauses, sadness forming in his sea green eyes. "Don't you love me?"

I nod, and let him rip out my soul. Again.


Chapter Three

Larain is the one to answer the door when I knock. Neither she or my mom knew I was coming; I couldn’t get up the guts to call. I did, however, have the nerve to write; so at least they weren’t oblivious to the entire situation.

She just stares at me for a moment, like she’s debating whether or not I’m real. Then, without warning, she flings her arms around me. I hug back, taking in her welcoming scent. I’ve always loved my sister’s scent; it's always reminded me of the long summer afternoons we’d spend laying under the large apple tree in our backyard, talking about nothing and everything all at once.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she whispers. Her voice is on the edge of a sob, and I hold her tighter.

“I missed you too, Rainy.” I whisper back, using my old nick-name for her. I step back for a moment, taking in her appearance; she no longer looks like the little girl I left behind. Her once shoulder-length hair is now down to her waist; her nose used to be drowned in freckles, but is now nearly bare; her face carries a wisdom, like she’s thirty rather than thirteen. The one thing that is still the same is her eyes; brown, like mine, and still too big for her face.

I look up from my beautiful little sister to meet the expecting gaze of my mother. She's expecting me to apologize; apologize for running away, apologize for her husband leaving her, apologize for being on her doorstep.

"Terri," this is how I greet her, along with a curt nod. Without waiting for a response, I glance back at Evan in his car--he and my mother still cling to old grudges, so he decided to wait outside-- before following Rain into the house.

She leads me into her room; the area surprises me. No more stuffed animals lining the bed; no more glow-in-the-dark stars and moons littering the ceiling. The walls are white and plain; no posters of her favorite bands or singers, no pictures of friends and family. Her sheets are a deep shade of purple, but themeless. This isn't the room of a teenager, of my little sister; it appears as if it belongs to a business woman who can't be bothered with decorations.

Rain's looking self-conscious, so I give her an encouraging smile before seating myself on her bed.

"I made you something," she blurts, obviously feeling as uncomfortable as I do.

"Aww, thank you, sweetheart," I say as she digs through one of the drawers in her dresser. She pauses for a moment before taking out a tiny, blue blanket. It's edges are embroidered with little yellow stars, and it seems to be made from fleece.

"For the baby," she says, finally forcing me to admit to something that I don't want to:

I'm pregnant.


Chapter Four

We get back to Evan's place, and I'm tired. But not ready for a nap. So I lay on my bed for a little while, reading. I'm about to begin the next chapter when there's a knock on the door.

"Come in," I say, marking my place with a piece of scrap paper. When I look up the door is ajar, and my heart swells immediately. "Julian!"

A man in his early twenties stands in my doorway. His messy dark hair hangs just above his hazel eyes, which are studying me with a longing. He reflects my grin as I throw my arms around his neck. "God, I've missed you," I say, pulling back and holding him at arms length. "You haven't changed, just like I had hoped."

"But, Maddy....don't I look more mature and grown up now?" he has a playful tone to his voice.

I pretend to study him, and then shrug. "Not really."

"Gee, thanks."

"Anytime, friend, anytime."

We laugh and sit down on my bed. "So, how have you been? I heard Blake turned out to be an ass."

"We just share different views, is all," I say lightly. Then I change the subject. "What about you? Did you ever work things out with Crystal?"

At the mention of his ex-fiancée, Julian shudders. "No, ma'am. I swear, she's the devil in a human's body."

"Is she still on meth?"

Julian smiles, a faint, sad smile. "She hasn't changed."

I'm almost afraid to ask, but I need to know. "How's Lily?"

"She's doing better. I'm going to court on Monday.....trying to get full custody," He gets this tone to this voice when he talks about his daughter, I can't describe it; it's happy, sad, longing, and pride all in one. He used to get the same tone when he talked about Crystal when she was pregnant.

I throw my arms around him again, and hold him tight. "You'll get her, I know you will. How's a crystal meth addict going to take care of a 20 month old child?"

"I don't know," he says, staring off into space.

"Hey," I say softly, giving him a playful nudge. He smiles devilishly, and I know exactly what he's planning on doing. I try to get away, but before I know it I'm a prisoner to my own laugher. He knows exactly where my ticklish spots are, and shows me no mercy. We're tumbling on the bed, and he's hovering over me. I try to tickle him back, but he grabs both of my wrists and pins me down.

Pain surges through my wrists; I let out a small "Ouch," and try not to cry. But I'm panicking, too; not again. Please, God, not this again.

Julian looks confused, but quickly lets go of my wrists. "Maddy, what the....?"

I steady my breath, and try to smile; Mads, this is JULIAN. Quit being so freaking paranoid!

But I feel the panic rise again as he slowly pulls down my long sleeves. He studies my bruised wrists for a moment before gently wrapping his hands around my wrists. They match the shapes of the bruises perfectly.

"Maddy....." he says. His voice sounds pained, shocked.
I rip my arms away from him and push down my sleeves, then look at the clock; 4:43 PM.

"Listen, I have to go, I have a doctors appointment," I lie before slipping out of the bedroom door. I take one look back at Julian's shocked face before racing through the living room and out of the front door.

When I hit the sidewalk, I pause. Then, with no where to go, I begin to run.

Chapter Five

As I walk briskly down the sidewalk of downtown, old memories begin to flood my mind.

I’m six-years-old, trying to put up a tent in our back yard. I fumble with the polls in the small amount of light from the setting sun. I back away, thinking I have it. The nine-year-old boy next to me scowls as the tent caves and falls to the ground, once again.

“Wait here,” I say, stomping my way into the house.

I knock on a bedroom door, tapping my foot as Evan pokes his head out. “What do you want now, Kid?” he mutters, leaning against the door jam.

I look up at the eleven-year-old with a mournful expression. “Julie and me can’t get the tent to stay up,” I say pitifully. “Will you help us?”

“Julie and I.”

“Huh?” I give him a confused look while struggling to maintain a pitiful frown.

Evan sighs. “Never mind. I’ll be out in a minute.”

I stand on my tip-toes and give my brother a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, Evy!” I run back outside before he can scold me for using a nick-name that he hates.

Within a half an hour, the tent is up and Julian and I are hiding inside. We’re in the middle of a tickle-war when my father’s gruff, harsh voice fills the air.

“MADDY! Get your ass in here NOW!”

I feel a chill run up my spine, and my hands start shaking. “One minute,” I whisper to Julian, before crawling out of the tent and timidly walking inside.

He’s standing right in front of my bedroom door, his eyes sparked with anger and expectation. I try to smile innocently, keeping my eyes on the ground. “What’s the matter, Daddy?”

I don’t have to see his eyes to know he’s glaring at me. “You’re room is a wreck.”

I stiffen.

I’m expecting it when he grabs my hair and pulls me into my room. “Can you SEE this? Are you BLIND?” He says.

I hold back my tears and answer with an indifferent, “No.”

“Of course you’re not,” he replies coldly. “You’re just stupid. Isn’t that right?”

When I don’t respond, he pulls my hair a little harder. “Yes,” I say finally. “I’m stupid.”

He lets go and shoves me into my room. “Clean it. Now.” With that, he slams the door.

Tears are streaming down my cheeks like river beds when the door cracks open, just the slightest bit. When Julian slips through the crack and shuts the door softly behind him, I feel my face flush with embarrassment.

I quickly wipe away the tears, attempting to act as though nothing has happened. “Hey, Julie. I just gotta clean my room up, then I can come back out. Okay?”

His dark hazel eyes are intent on mine. “Okay?” he questions in return, and I know he’s not asking about my coming back outside.

“Okay.” I whisper, but he doesn’t leave me. He never does.

Chapter Six

As I near the homeless shelter, I hear a car slow down behind me. I keep my eyes focused on where I’m going, pretending like I don’t know Julian is behind me.

“It was him, wasn’t it?” Julian’s voice is dark. I have to struggle not to whip around; I didn’t know that the quiet, lovable boy I had grown up with had the power to sound as hateful as he does now.

“Shut up,” I mutter, more to the ground than to Julian. But he continues.

“Blake did this, didn’t he? He bruised your wrists.”

“Shut up,” I say with a little more force. I feel tears pricking at the back of my eyes, but I hold them back; no one will see me cry. Never again. Not even Julian. I’m not letting anyone know how weak I am.

“You probably even have bruises I haven’t found yet.” I have to resist the urge to break down and beg. Beg him to stop putting me through this. It’s not going to get him what he wants, which is for me to admit what he believes happened.

Did it?

“He’s also the reason I can’t touch you anymore. Because he forced you to--”

“Shut UP!” I scream at the top of my lungs. Without thinking it through, I start running--again. I know he’s going to try and follow me--I’ll have to lose him, somewhere.

I don’t notice Julian park. I don’t notice that he’s chasing me. I just want to run. Run away from the world I’ll never understand, the one I don’t want to be a part of. Run out of this life that I never asked for, that was never wanted by anyone in the first place. Run to somewhere safe, a place where I’m not just a mistake, where my child who is growing inside of me can live a wonderful life. I want that for my baby more than anything.

My thoughts are interrupted as Julian continues his rant, as if his stride had never been broken.

“That’s how you got pregnant, isn’t it? By force. That’s why he wanted you to get rid of it--”

“Julian, stop!” I scream, my voice cracking from the sob I’m trying so hard to suppress.

“And yet you stayed with him!” he’s yelling now, making me feel even worse than I already do, if that’s possible. “You stayed with him, and let him torture you. What in the hell is your problem? Why would you do that?”

“Blake loved me!” I scream in reply. I’m crying now, and rooted to the spot where I stand.

“He probably doesn’t even know what love IS,” Julian’s voice is still angry, dark, but he’s quieter now. “I don’t even think you do.”

My legs can’t support me anymore. I slowly descend to the ground, on my knees sobbing in the middle of down town.

And as if he didn’t just shatter my pretend world, as if he didn’t just break through every wall I had ever built to protect myself, Julian gets down on his knees and holds me in his arms.

Chapter Seven

Happiness flows through me like a river of hope. I can feel my own face lighting up, my arms tingling with anticipation.

Julian looks so complete, so at peace holding her in his arms. The tiny body is like a miniature of himself; her tiny hazel eyes sparkle, the perfect replica of her father’s. Her features are soft and welcoming, and she smiles at every person she passes as if everyone’s her best friend.

I feel a stab of melancholy at the sight. How could anyone--a judge, even the devil herself--want to rip these two beings apart? How could any living creature stand to destroy something so beautiful, so magical, so fragile...stand to change something so beautifully natural?

Julian’s eyes are dancing as he passes his tiny daughter into my arms. Lily seems pleased as well, almost as if she remembers me. As I wrap my arms around this angel, her warm body so small and weightless, I grin inside and out.

“She loves you.” I’m almost surprised to see Julian standing a few feet away from me. It was as if, just for a moment, Lily, me and my unborn infant were in our own little world.

“That love is requited,” I murmur into the baby‘s warm skin, and that’s when I notice Julian’s worried face.

“Julie...” I whisper, hugging him with my free arm. “No one will take her away from you. Not Crystal, not a judge and not fate itself.”

Julian gives me a grateful smile before glancing at his watch. “Thank you again for watching her,” he says, giving his daughter a parting raspberry on her cheek. Lily giggles, but her expression changes as her father heads for the door.

“Daddy!”

Julian is prepared for her objection, and leaves quickly without looking back.

Lily screams as her father pulls the door shut behind him. She allows me to comfort her, but doesn’t stop crying.

“It’s okay, baby girl. Ssssh.” She’s so pitiful, I feel like crying myself. Her tears are warm on my collar bone, and when she sobs her whole body shakes. I wish I could hold her forever, wish I could keep her from falling apart.

It seems like hours before Lily finally cries herself to sleep. I gently place her in the tiny crib in Julian’s room before laying myself down on his soft bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out like a light.

*****

I’m fifteen again, walking through the giant doors that lead in and out of my high school. As we walk out on the crappy school dance that I was once so excited to attend, Blake rests his arm on my shoulders.

We’re approaching his mom’s car (he never did comprehend that having a permit meant an adult had to be in the car WITH him when he drove) when I turn to him. “I don’t want to go home,” I say, looking at my feet.

“Because of your dad?” Blake says, almost gently.

I nod. “He’ll find some reason to tell me off for being stupid. Can you take me to--”

Blake takes my face in his hands. “You’re not stupid. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.” He murmurs, sending chills of happiness down my spine. Then, he does the unthinkable--what I had been dreaming of since the 6th grade.

He kisses me.

That’s when I fell in love with the man that would one day make my life hell.

I wasn’t stupid for loving him, I think as I wake up in Julian’s apartment. I knew what he was doing was wrong the very first time he nearly fractured my arm-- I was sixteen and had yelled at him for drinking and driving. But he DID love me--it was a morbid, twisted love--but love all the same. The only kind I was--I am-- ever going to get.

Lily’s still sleeping, so I wander into the tiny kitchen and make myself a sandwich. “That was my last chance,” I say to the kitchen table as I seat myself. “And I blew it.”

When I’m done eating, I fill the sink with warm, soapy water and prepare to do the dishes. As I wash, I think.

I could go back to Blake, right now. If I said I’d give up the baby for adoption, he’d take me. He’d tell me he missed me. That he loved me. He’d hold me in my arms. He’d tell me I was beautiful. That I was smart. He'd give me everything I've ever wanted in a man--he'd simply love me.

He’d ask me if I’d still marry him, and I’d say yes. We’d have a beautiful wedding. Julian would be my man of honor, and Rain would be my maid of honor. Blake would let me have both.

My thoughts are interrupted by Lily’s faint whimper. I dry my hands off and go to her--I lift her up, taking her in my arms. As I hold her, my thoughts clear.

I want my child. I am not giving it up.

But if I could persuade Blake to let me keep it....

Maybe. Just maybe.


Chapter Eight

“We just have to wait and see what happens, now.”

I look Julian in the eye. “Everything is going to work out fine,” I say firmly.

Julian grumbles, falling back onto his couch moodily. I sit down next to him, gently lacing my arms around his neck and shoulders. It doesn’t feel right to say anything, so I just rest my head on his warm collar bone, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat--a steady musical symphony.

He turns to me, putting his hand to my chin and lifting my face gently. I look up, meeting his eyes that are carefully searching my own. Then, as if in slow motion, he brings his lips to mine.

Oh.

Well.

That complicates things.
Chapter Nine

The second time Blake ever connected his fist to my shoulder, I didn’t want to feel anymore. Not just the pain--the bruises I could handle. It was everything else that I needed to get rid of. I didn’t want to feel like me, I didn’t want to think things through logically.

I wanted to get ****ed UP.

The house party I ended up at was layered with a blanket of cigarette smoke, and reeked of alcohol and something else I couldn’t quite place. I could feel the base of the music in the pit of my stomach, and strangely dressed college guys were eyeing me like a wolf eyeing a fresh piece of meat.

I was scared to death. But I didn’t leave. I marched on my way as if none of this was new to me, as if I hadn’t been a straight A student/Girl Scout/Camp Counselor goody-girl until today. I played Quarters with some college freshmen, took a few shots of tequila and popped some pills a girl I had just met gave me. “Just eat ‘em”, she had said, nodding towards my black and purple upper arm. “It’ll make the throbbing stop.”

Everything else from that night was just a blur of colors and music. I don’t know what time it was when an exasperated Julian peeled me from a recliner and forced me into his car. He drove about five miles down the road before he pulled over and gave me a stern look.

“What did you take?”

I shrugged, stifling a giggle. It was funny to see him being so serious when I felt like I could just fly, fly, fly away.

Julian leaned back in his seat, holding his head in his hands for a few moments before speaking again. “How much did you drink?”

“A lot.” Now I’m actually laughing. “I was losing.”

He brushes his fingers lightly over my arm. “Did this happen while you were drinking?”

“Mmhmm,” I say, flawlessly convincing.

Julian sighs, putting the car back in drive and pulling onto the road again. I must have fallen asleep, because next thing I knew I was lying in Julian’s bed, having blankets tossed neatly over me.

I was probably asleep for about three hours before I got sick. Unknown pills, several drinks of hard liquor and at least five beers, all on an empty stomach--bad combination.

I don’t remember much else from that night. I remember the salty taste of crackers and having a cool washcloth held on my forehead. I remember having my hair held back for me. I remember falling asleep on the cool linoleum of the bathroom floor, with Julian right by my side, watching over me as I slept.

I remember I had never felt more taken care of than I did that night.

Chapter Ten

We haven’t spoken of the kiss again since it happened. Well, that is to say, we haven’t vocalized our thoughts. We have communicated thoughts and feelings related to the encounter through prolonged glances, so many words never spoken. Still, I feel lighter than air, as if the kiss triggered a forever-high, one that I will never come down from.

It never occurred to me that Julian and I could ever be more than just best friends. He had been there through so much, as just a friend--for every first, every tear and every giggle fit, through my entire life--Julian had been there through all of it. Maybe it’ll be like that forever. There’s only one issue with this situation.

It’s too perfect.

All my life, I grew up knowing that in order to obtain something beautiful, you had to put up with a lot of shit. You may have grown up a well provided for middle class child, with more than you could ever need--but you have to put up with your emotionally and physically abusive father to keep it that way. You may have some of the best friends in the world, but you’ll have to go through some crappy ones, too. You may have the perfect love, one that makes you feel invincible, with a guy that’s willing to marry and take care of you for the rest of your life--but you have to endure a few bruises and fractures before, do a few things you really don’t want to before he’s happy with you.

Yet here’s Julian, who’s loved me unconditionally since childhood, who just KISSED me. He’s a wonderful father and friend, who would never let anyone he loves go without or ever be in pain. He’s never raised a hand to ANYONE, let alone a woman.

So why would someone like me be able to have someone that beautiful?

*******
“We,” Julian announced as I entered his kitchen. “Are going out for ice cream.”
“Ice cream!” Lily repeats excitedly, sitting on the floor playing with Hot Wheels.

I eye Julian suspiciously. This is a little too random. “What’s the catch?” I ask bluntly.

Julian smiles sheepishly, kneeling to the ground and beginning to put Lily’s shoes on her tiny feet. “Well,” he begins, giving me a pleading look. “I was kind of hoping you could stay in with this one tonight.”

“That’s a hard one,” I say sarcastically, bending down to put on Lily’s other sneaker. She looks up, giving me a huge, nearly toothless grin. I smile in return. “But I think I could handle that.”

I pack up the baby’s diaper bag while Julian secures her in her car seat, then we set off for Cold-Stone creamery.

When we return with a chocolate-covered Lily--and I do mean COVERED--Julian sets off again. “I’ll see you around midnight,” he says, giving me a quick hug and Lily a peck on her chocolatey forehead. “Later.”

That night, after Lily is fed and happily asleep in her crib, I watch a 80’s Movie Marathon (The Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, etc.) until 11:58. At that time, I walk towards the window next to the front door--Julian should be home any minute. When I see headlights I start to turn the knob of the front door, but stop. Why are there two cars pulling into the driveway?

Julian climbs out of the drivers’ seat of the first car before making his way over to the second. A familiar tall, slim, gorgeous blonde woman slides gracefully out of the other. They exchange conversation for a moment, Crystal looking exasperated. Then, her expression suddenly changes. She leans towards Julian slowly, connecting her lips with his for a long moment before turning to leave.

Well then. That’s a little more realistic.

Chapter Eleven

The overpowering scent of the fresh cut lawn is sickening as I walk up the long, windy drive. Or maybe it’s just nerves. My mind is racing so quickly I barely have time to register my own thoughts.

What if he doesn’t take me back? Could he have stopped loving me so quickly? What if he stands his ground and doesn’t let me keep my precious child? Is he more important to me than she is? Is it even a she anymore, or am I farther along and it could be a he now? What am I going to say when I get to the--

Too late. I’m here.

******
“C-can we talk?” I stutter. Seeing his face again stirs up all kinds of emotions--shock, relief, worry…maybe even a little fear.

Blake grins, and those dimples that originally caught my eye are more pronounced than ever. “Of course,” he says quietly, leading me inside.

The house is the same as it was when I left. Papers and mail of all sorts strewn across the kitchen table, the low hum of the dishwasher echoing slightly in the large kitchen. Bubbles, the cat Blake and I adopted when we first moved in, meows loudly, making circles around my legs.

“Has she been fed lunch yet?” I ask casually, as if I intended to discuss the cat all along.

“Not yet.”

After scooping some Cat Chow into Bubble’s chrome food bowl, I sit down at the kitchen table, then notice Blake watching me expectantly.

“I’m sorry,” I begin. “I was out of line when I left, you just wanted what was best for both of us, and I was completely ungrateful, and I’m just…sorry. We can put the baby up for adoption if you want to but I really don‘t want an abortion,” I catch his eye. “But I’ll do it if that’s what you want,“ I take a breath and hold it, waiting for his response.

Blake stands, pulling me to my feet and taking me in his arms. “Maddy, I missed you so much,” he murmurs in my hair, and I know I said the right things.

Just like that, I got my old life back.



Chapter Twelve

“I think,” I say as Blake enters the kitchen the next morning. “That we should makes brownies.”

Blake pours himself a steaming mug of coffee, giving me an inquiring look. “Brownies? First thing in the morning?”

I nod enthusiastically. “I think it would be best,” I say in a contradicting serious tone.
Blake raises his perfectly arched, blonde eyebrows. With a shrug, he begins getting out the necessary ingredients. Happily, I join him, and begin throwing the brownie mix and eggs into a large chrome bowl.

We never do get around to actually BAKING the brownies. After the mix is prepared, we decide that waiting for them to finish cooking would take much too long, and end up sitting on the kitchen floor, passing the bowl of brownie mix back and forth, taking turns scooping up the chocolatey gobs with a wooden spoon and eating them.

“Would you rather…eat a bowl this big of worms, or lay out on the driveway on a hot day for an hour?”

Blake closes his eyes tight and shakes his head, as if trying to shake out the images I planted in his mind. “Lie on the driveway. Physical pain is much easier for me to handle than having something gross in my stomach. Would you rather…listen to Jessica Simpson’s singing for five days straight, or swim in a frozen lake?”

“Easy,” I say, licking chocolate off of my lips and passing the bowl back to Blake. “The frozen lake.”

Blake laughs, and I’m struggling to stifle my own laughter. Soon we’re both laughing hysterically, holding onto each other to keep from falling over completely. When we’ve calmed down, I push the brownie mix aside and curl up in his arms.

“I love you,” he whispers, holding me tighter.

I look up, meeting those sea green eyes that carry so many contradictory feelings. “I love you, too.”

It’s the moments like this that make everything else worth it.

Chapter Thirteen

“NO!”

“Maddy, come on, wake up…”

“No…no…no…”

“MADDY.”

I open my eyes, but my vision is watered down by tears. I look to our digital alarm clock--5:00 a.m. I look back to Blake, who seems to be studying me carefully. After a moment of hesitation, I throw myself into my nightmare’s arms--warm and familiar. He holds me until I drift asleep again, and all I can think is that my current reality is so much scarier than I nightmare I just emerged from.

**********


The big oak tree in our back yard is like a second home to me.

The scent is strong, but not overpowering. The branches are like stairs--strong enough to hold me, and come one after another so I can easily climb to the very top. The leaves that were once a bright, vivid green are now all different colors of orange, yellow and brown.

I pull myself onto the first large branch, and am already exhausted. So much for climbing to the top. I lean back, enjoying the wonderful Autumn scent. I’m taking a deep breath when a sharp, quick pain in my stomach catches me mid-breath.

I place my hand on my abdomen, and feel it when it happens this time: the tiniest of kicks from the tiniest toes.

Happiness and excitement fills me up like a balloon full of air. It’s becoming more and more full as I bolt into the house. I find Blake sitting in the living room, and don’t think before I blurt out the whole story of what just happened, the balloon-feeling and my excitement. He gives me a blank look for a moment before uttering one word.

“So?”

POP. There goes the balloon.

“Mads…” he takes one of my hands, searching my eyes carefully. “I don’t want you to become too attached to this thing. I don’t want it to be difficult for you when it has to go up for adoption.”

It? This THING?

“Blake,” I say calmly, suppressing my primal urge to verbally rip his head off--a lioness protecting her cub. “This ‘thing’ is my child. I’d appreciate it if you could show us a little more respect.”

Just like that, his face changes. He grabs my right wrist, gripping it tight. Oops.

“Never, EVER,” he says in a low, dangerous voice. “Talk to me like that. I owe you NOTHING.“ He tightens his grip on me, causing me to cry out in pain.
“Blake,” I whimper, pleading. “Please…”

“I do my damn BEST to provide you with what you need. And now you’re putting that THING above me?”

“No…I love you…please, let go…”

“I do everything I can to make you see how wonderful you are, and THIS is how you pay me back? Well, darling, it doesn’t work that way. I’ll say it again; I. Owe. You. NOTHING. You understand?”

“Yes…now please let go…”

Blake releases my arm, and I bring it to my chest, rubbing it and crying silently. He stands, looks at what he has reduced me to, and his face changes again. Now, he’s the man who first told me I was beautiful; now, he’s the man who will hold me until I cry myself to sleep; the man who will laugh with me, help me finish a whole tube of raw cookie dough; the man I am in love with. He gently pulls me to my feet and takes me in his arms. “Please,” he whispers in my ear. “Don’t cry.”


Chapter Fourteen

The sound of fists knocking on our front door causes me to jump. In the week that I’ve moved back in here, no one else has come over. When I open the door to see Julian’s face looking back at me, I feel myself mentally dissolve.

“Madison,” he says, urgency in his voice. The pain in his breath when he speaks my name breaks my heart.

“Julian, I can’t do this…” I cast my eyes to the ground, unable to make eye contact.

“Maddy…you don’t understand…please…”

I hear footsteps coming from behind me, and I tense. “Maddy? Who’s there?”

“No one,” I call back, giving Julian a meaningful look before beginning to shut the door. But before the door can make that final little click, Blake comes from behind me and pries the door open again.

As I watch both of the men I love size each other up, both looking equally disgusted, I have to wonder which one I agree with.

“Can I help you?” Blake says coldly, giving me a quick glance before setting his eyes on Julian once again.

“Yeah, actually,” Julian replies, keeping his voice light and conversational. “I would like to speak to Maddy in private, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“In fact,” Blake says, giving me a colder look than before. “I would mind. I would prefer it if my soon to be wife wasn’t speaking with strange men. Now, good day to you.”

“But I--”

With that, Blake shuts and bolt-locks the door.

“Who was that?”

“I--an old friend of mine, from a long time ago. I don’t know why he came here,” I say, becoming nervous now.

“I think you do know. Have you been sleeping with him?”

“W-what?” I say, genuinely shocked. “Of course not! Why would you--”

WHAM.

My head feels like a brick wall that someone just took a wrecking ball to. The side of my skull that connected to Blake’s fist feels damp, and the other side that hit the floor is throbbing madly. For a moment everything appears to be shaking, then hazy, then blurred--shit, what did I do?

“Do not,” Blake whispers, “Do NOT ****ing lie to me. I know you were with him,”

“But I wasn’t!” I blurt, unable to contain myself. “He’s with Crystal, he’s not even INTERESTED in me--”

“LIAR!” Blake roars. He grabs the collar of my shirt, forcing me to my feet. He comes as close as he possibly can, his lips grazing my cheek, and every muscle in my body is screaming to get away. His breath is hot on my skin when he speaks again.

“Whore.”

Glass shatters within me. Of all the things Blake has ever said to me, he has never spoken a word such as this against me. Sure, he’d tell me whenever I was out of line--but I was never something to him that couldn’t be fixed. I just needed some sense beaten into me sometimes.

But maybe…maybe it isn’t me that needs to be fixed?

“I’m not,” I whisper.

“What?” Blake takes a step back, piercing my eyes with his.

“I said,” I say with more force, more bravery in my voice. “I am not a whore.”

I don’t feel the impact when I am thrown to the floor like something disgusting. I don’t hear Blake screaming back at me. I don’t see him draw his foot back, and I don’t feel him connect to my stomach. All I can feel is that one of my hearts stopped beating.

Chapter Fifteen

“I’m sorry, ma’am. There was nothing we could do. She was surgically removed through C-section while you were unconscious.” The nurse pats my hand in an attempt to console me. I want to slap her across the face. “Would you like to hold her?”

I nod. What a stupid question…of COURSE I want to hold my daughter…

The nurse returns a moment later with a tiny bundle in her arms, and passes the bundle off to me. “I’ll give you two a few minutes,” she says quietly, but I’m not listening to her.

My daughter’s face is heart-shaped, like my own. Her eyes are closed, as if she is sleeping--her eyelashes are long, like the fake ones’ you see on models. Her soft, pink lips are turned up at the ends just the tiniest bit, almost like she’s smiling. Her tiny fingers are curled into loose fists, and her skin is silky as I place my ear to her chest…just to make sure…but her heart isn’t beating. She doesn’t bounce back to life, crying and demanding to be fed or held. She doesn’t start kicking those miniscule legs, as I felt her do just a few short days ago.

I feel my cheeks turn to riverbeds as an outsider, as if I’m not the one doing the crying. I begin to sing, rocking my tiny daughter’s lifeless body forward and back, as if lulling her to sleep.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away…”

I choke on these last words as the true realization of what I have lost hits me. The child that has been a physical and spiritual part of me for the past six months is gone. I will never hear the melody of her laugh, the heartbreaking echo of her cry. I will never watch her climb to her feet and take those first independent steps; I will never watch her play, hang her drawings on the fridge; I will never watch her go to school, and experience the transition of having to let her go; I must let her go now, before her life even begins. My daughter, my child, my savior for the past six months--the only one who will ever know what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside, is gone.

I study my daughter’s features once more. It’s surprising, really, how much good can come of so much pain. Every fight I ever had to put up, every time I ever screamed to be released, every time that I was held down still--it was all worth it, just to catch a glimpse of a face of an angel.

When the nurse returns to rip my life source away from me, I suggest that she engage in a certain activity with herself that usually takes two beings. Appalled, she exits once again, giving us more time together. When the door to my hospital room closes again, I begin reciting my life story to my daughter. She just listens, lying there with her eyes closed. As I speak to her, telling her every thought and every feeling I have ever had, I feel my grief slowly releasing, a deflating balloon.

When a different nurse returns to retrieve my baby girl, I regrettably hand her over. The second she leaves my arms I feel empty, deserted.

Without my child, I am simply alone again.


Chapter Sixteen

“It wasn’t your fault, you know,” I say quietly, sitting up.

Julian, who had apparently thought I was asleep, jumps about a foot. He had been sitting next to my hospital bed for about ten minutes, absently stroking my hair and watching me with clouded eyes. I recognize those guilty, sad eyes--they feel like blades in my chest every time I see them.

Obviously unsure of how to respond, Julian suddenly flings his arms around my shoulders in one swift, but gentle movement. He buries his face in the crease of my neck, the same way Lily does when she desires comfort. Being reminded of Julian’s daughter is a double jolt--a reminder of my own daughter, who will never lay her head on my shoulder as Lily has--and of Lily’s mother, the woman who holds Julian’s heart, yet another thing I will never experience.

I lace my arms around Julian’s shoulders, lying my head on his. “Don’t be sad,” I whisper into his hair.

Julian pulls back quickly, his expression changing from heart broken to angry.

“Don’t be sad?” he repeats through gritted teeth. “I sent you completely mixed signals, eventually driving you to go back to him.” he utters this last word as if it’s a bad taste on his tongue. “Then I came to your house--something that would undoubtedly make him angry--just because I wanted to talk to you. Because of my selfishness, he almost KILLED you.” He chokes on this last sentence, turning his back to me.

In a sudden burst of anger, Julian turns quickly and kicks the visitor chair with every bit of strength he can muster. But I don’t flinch or recoil in the least--the way I normally would when someone was this angry. Calmly, I climb out of my hospital bed, walking straight up to Julian and wrapping my arms around him once again. I feel him relax in my arms, and reluctantly hug me back. He doesn’t jump back, yell, shove me to the ground, punch or kick. Not a single normal reaction to feeling angry. He just holds me. It’s…nice. It’s really nice.

“I love you,” I whisper, because it feels appropriate to completely throw myself out there--what do I have to lose, now?

He holds me tighter, and I feel warm for the first time in the past 24 hours. “I love you, too.”

“We’ll get through this, okay?”

He kisses the top of my head, a promise. “I know we will.”

For the first time in my life, I close my eyes and know that I am safe, I am loved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

The end. :D

Good work. Did it take long to finish that?

Thanks. :D It took about a year and a half. :p