I have been single for about 5 years until I finally met this great guy about seven months ago. He has been divorced for about 5 years almost and he has two girls, 7 and 13. He has a really good relationship with his ex-wife and I get along with her very well. When I first met the kids, they really liked me. We hung out together, went to the store, talked about school, played catch, etc... Now, my boyfriend has had a handfull of girlfriends since the divorce, but I'm the first serious one. I'm the first one that moved in. Even so I moved in, the girls were fine still. The 13 year old after several months witnessed an argument between my boyfriend and I with put tension in the air. I don't know...it all went down hill from there. At christmas time, my boyfriend and I were supposed to spend the entire day with his kids, but a week prior, the plans changed and I was to spend half the day with my family. So, we forgot to tell the kids and when the 13 yr old found out at the last minute that dad was gonna go in an hour, she broke down. It broke my heart. No kid should cry on christmas. I thought they knew we were leaving. She has been mad at me since before Christmas and now almost 7 months later it's worse and worse. It's uncomfortable to be around the 13 year old on the weekends. I cry all the time, in private over this. I don't want to loose what I first had with her. It's getting to the point that she barely talks to me. Hides out in her rm when she's here. Once in a while she has smart comments to say. It's a total 360 from when I first met her. I wrote her a letter that told her how I felt. It was just too emotional for me to talk to her in person. I guess she feels replaced. Basically I make it impossible for mom and dad to get back together....what every kid wants of course. I haven't talked to her since the letter...just her mom and she says that she didn't know I was so hurt. I still don't REALLY know how she feels though. I'm not taking her away from her dad though. We are very conservative around the girls. We don't really show affection around them and I totally give them and their dad their space and even encourage them to do things together by them selves. We don't even sleep in the same bed on the wk ends they are over because the seven year old wants to sleep with me...which is fine. We do it for the kids. And the 13 year old just mopes around and staggers behind when we go out. I really miss the old her. I am never rude to her, even when she says something I don't like. The parents are suggesting counseling. My boyfriend knows that personally I'm not doing anything wrong which is very good. He's going to have the same problem with any serious girlfriend. Any advice on what to say? The letter was very nice...just basically saying I felt there is this wall between us and that I'm there for her and I'm not trying to get in the way of the love for their dad. I apologized for anything I may have said/did. Basically made her aware that her reactions to my relationship are hurting me. Well, I need some advice. I never dated a guy with kids, but i love this guy very much and I really want the relationship with the kids that I had in the beginning. I miss that so much. Thanks for listening.

So, we forgot to tell the kids and when the 13 yr old found out at the last minute that dad was gonna go in an hour, she broke down. It broke my heart. No kid should cry on christmas. I thought they knew we were leaving.
Ah PMS the wonders of life.... seriously though she's 13 not freakin 5. She was probably faking it or milking it for all it was worth trying to manipulate you guys.

Basically I make it impossible for mom and dad to get back together....what every kid wants of course.
No you don't they were already divorced before you came along. If he wanted to be with that woman then he would. Hell maybe he does want to be with that woman if they're still buddy buddy with each other and in that case you should just leave because he'll eventually go back to her and cheat on you by being with her.


We are very conservative around the girls. We don't really show affection around them and I totally give them and their dad their space and even encourage them to do things together by them selves. We don't even sleep in the same bed on the wk ends they are over because the seven year old wants to sleep with me...which is fine. We do it for the kids. And the 13 year old just mopes around and staggers behind when we go out. ....... He's going to have the same problem with any serious girlfriend.
Maybe you shouldn't be so conservative. I'm not saying you should have sex in front of the kids or whatever but they need to know that your guy loves you. You're the new woman in his life not a baby sitter.

ummmm.... TALK TO HER!!!!

duh!

Just tell her everything you just told us. You already know what to say, now you just have to grow the balls to say it.

your friend has to have some time to adjust-if you act too concerned youre validating bad behavior-13 year olds arent always much different from 5 year olds-shes not an adult yet.youve acknowledged you know shes having a tough time-try to stay sensitive but dont worry about the tantrums..

Well, when you met her, she was a robot programmed to demonstrate politeness toward strangers. Now that you're in her house, she is being herself. Seriously, you just never knew her true self back then, and now the cards are laid out on the table.

It is not in your interest to take this personally. Your priority is the man, so you've decided to swallow your pride and get out of the way, instead of reacting, or god forbid, showing some authority as an adult.

That works... But it's just stalling the inevitable. The girl is a time bomb.

You need help from your boyfriend. You know how Doctor Phil sits everybody down and they talk openly about everything that pisses them off about the other? You need a mediator. The mediator, if not a counsellor, could be your boyfriend.

The girl resents you. But you know what's worse, is that she probably resents her father MORE - she's just using you as a scapegoat. She's angry, and confused. She is realizing extremely important facts about relationships that are fairly disappointing. Teenagers are dreamy and romantic, divorce and fighting can really change their vision of their own future, it's difficult to process. This is why their father (and mother) owe them a few more sessions where they explain to their kids what hapenned that made them split, to explain why this is not tragic, that it's not their fault, that noone is supposed to feel sad about it cause life has to go on etc.

You owe it to yourself to help yourself in this situation - ask for your hubby's support. It is essentially his duty to appease his daughter (I understand why you won't meddle). Well - make him do something about it, things have to change, or you could stay miserable for years.

My mom was a second wife. She endured resentment and hatred from the kids for years and years and years. Just like you - she never did anything about it. Well you must put your foot down, or the kids will eat you alive - I promise you, that's exactly what's going to happen. I'm just sayin'... Don't be a doormat, involve this man - he is supposed to be in charge.

Canadiense always has great posts. :)

....... You know how Doctor Phil sits everybody down and they talk openly about everything that pisses them off about the other? You need a mediator. The mediator, if not a counsellor, could be your boyfriend....


I'm going to vote "no" on this one. The boyfriend/father is also in need of mediation and or counseling. He can't wear both hats.

I would agree that, if this relationship is to continue, the BF needs to be on the same page.

Just as a general response to the OP; good luck. It doesn't have to be like this forever. With some help, this can be resolved.

Hook her up with one of the guys here. Problem solved.

Never take advice from Dr. Phil.

Feenix hit the nail on the head. You need to talk to her. Also, children of divorced parents often have rage issues that are either misdirected (which is bad) or sublimated (which can also be bad, but won't manifest for years). Maybe talk with her father about getting a psychologist who specializes in adolescents for her.

If that doesn't work, break her fingers. :|

I was gonna read that post but I started zoning out due to the lack of paragraphs.

Paragraphs are your friend.

I'm going to vote "no" on this one. The boyfriend/father is also in need of mediation and or counseling. He can't wear both hats.

I would agree that, if this relationship is to continue, the BF needs to be on the same page.

Just as a general response to the OP; good luck. It doesn't have to be like this forever. With some help, this can be resolved.

The father is an adult with two kids. He might need one to one counselling, but that doesn't bail him out of the obligation to talk and appease his kids. If anyone should have some insight and wisdom - it's the freggin' adults in the house.

They are all supressing their feelings at this point. A round table would do. In order for the girl to feel comfortable to speak her true feelings, she will need a push (and support) from the father. He should be the one to instigate the round table. He needs to be the leader of the discussion, because "awesomechic" still doesn't have any parental authority over his kids. If she takes things into her own hands, the kids might see it is blatant intrusion. On the other hand, showing the kids that she is "weak", vulnerable and passive might missfire and make the kids direspect her.

Awesomechic is a step mom, it's a lot harder than being a biological mom, cause you have to take the crap without having any right to correct them. That's being a sucker for punishment. I'm wondering, how is it that this man sees his girlfriend cry and go through torture, and still says or does nothing to correct the situation? Sounds kinda cold to me. He is avoiding conflict, that's for sure.

Okay, A), she's not a stepmom, she's the girlfriend, and B), I never said anything about the Father not having responsibilities here.

Of course Dad needs to be involved in the process. He's part of the problem right now and he needs to be part of the solution but I feel that he would be ill suited to handle the mediation between himself, the gf and the kids. Ideally, it should be someone with a little more distance and objectivity; a professional, a trusted family friend, a pastor, (if they're religious), etc.

I know all about the challenges of being a step-parent. Both of my ex-husbands have kids by previous relationships. I was lucky; my step-children love me.

She moved in. That makes her a stepmom in practical terms. She probably does things a mom would do, prepare lunches, drive the kids to their basketball game, what have you. A marriage certificate means nothing compared to real life duties someone takes on.

I've seen some unmarriad (common law) stepmoms in action. JESUS! There are always issues, without exception. That's because the bio-parents haven't cleared things up. The parents and the kids are not on the same page. For all we know, the bio-mom could be filling the daughter with hatred. Maybe she calls awesomechic "b*tch* in front of the kid when no one else is around, how would anyone know? Well, you know SOMETHING is wrong, you need to get to the bottom of it. Maybe the whole moving in thing was too fast.

I agree that the damage that the bio-mom might do can be a huge problem. Again, on that front, I got lucky. I had an exceptional amount of cooperation from the Moms in both of my step-mom situations.

Ah PMS the wonders of life.... seriously though she's 13 not freakin 5. She was probably faking it or milking it for all it was worth trying to manipulate you guys.


I disagree with this completely...teenaged girls are complicated enough as it is--throw in life changing events like a divorce and a new woman living in your house, and our emotions go completely out of whack.

I can see why she got so upset--if a kid THINKS that she gets an entire holiday with her dad, and then you find out at the last minute that he's taking off, yeah, it's upsetting. We're going to freak out and be pretty pissed that someone else gets daddy's attention on a family-oriented holiday.

I agree with most of the posts in this thread, though--you HAVE to talk to her. A little letter isn't going to cut it. Something like this requires a long, spill your heart out kind of session in order to be fixed. A note explaining what you feel almost seems like blowing her off completely. In person is always more meaningful. :)

Tough situation, I think you should give her space and kind of ignore her. Someone said that she was 13 and not five and suggested she's using the situation to her advantage and I agree. She seems spoit to me. Ignore her WITHOUT being unfriendly and I think when she has realized she no longer has an effect you she will start acting normal. Also please no more arguements that will result in the kids getting an earful and tell them way in advance if you guys are going out etc.

Wait a sec. The kid looks forward to being with her dad on CHRISTMAS, but without any warning Dad deserts her for half the day? What a dumbshit. That would make many adults feel bad - who knows the impact this could have on a dizzy 13-year-old whose life has already been turned upside down.

This idiot is treating his child like a pet. Why awesomechic wants to be part of this disaster is beyond me.