Every relationship I had been in turns out the same. After a few years, there is talk about feeling smothered, spending too much time together, bedroom boredom will eventually settle in and sex becomes less frequent (and less pleasurable).

I've tried to break the boredom, but how many times can one re-invent oneself? At a certain point, familiarity becomes undeniable, there is absolutely nothing you don't know about that person, and there is no way you can change this fact, no matter how much money you spend on lingerie (or toys), movies, new ambience, make-up, clothing, beauty treatments etc.

I am discouraged. I feel that my partner is "antsy". But the weird thing is, it's pretty much one-sided. I wouldn't go out there looking for something new and different, and if I ask him, I know he'll say it's just my imagination.

On a brighter note, I am sure that feeling bored does not equal wanting to find a new partner. It's a problem that is fairly consistent with everyone and finding someone new is only a temporary "solution".

How can one find ways to improve this type of situation? Especially - how can you make someone not take your love for granted (a strategy that does not involve the risk of losing them)? I wouldn't want to do anything that involves making the partner insecure... Anyway, this is a complicated issue, advice would be appreciated.

So in other words, you're bored with your partner, and you are looking for a way to manipulate him into not taking your love for granted without making him feel insecure?

Not me - him. I think he is bored.

Oh, ok. But you say that he would tell you that "it's just your imagination." So, you only think he's bored, and if you were to ask him, he wouldn't understand what you're talking about? Do I have that right?

He wouldn't admit to it. However he makes statements of the type: "we spend all the time together" and "why don't you go see your friend"... He eats and drinks too much because he is couped up inside the house and then he complains about gaining too much weight, and sometimes he just plainly says he is bored and goes off somewhere (I don't ask questions).

His libido has dropped off significantly, but then again, so has mine. That does not mean I don't want sex with him, I still think he is the best, it's just that I am afraid of not beeing interesting enough anymore. And I'll tell you precisely why: it's getting harder and harder for him to come - it's more and more work every time. He blames it on weight gain, but I say it's deeper than that. Naturally, noone wants to tackle the subject too much - I feel we are both afraid to admit that the passion has worn off.

Unfortunately, I love this man, and the passion takes second place to his company. So to me, it really doesn't matter if sparks are not flying anymore, but how can I be sure that it doesn't matter to him?

I really don't know. It does sound like your man needs to get off his ass and hit the gym, he might be bored with his life in general. It also sounds like your relationship is running the typical course where the initial passion starts to fade away, and you both get comfortable and complacent. Hard to imagine, even with someone as fiery and passionate as you seem to be. But this sort of thing does seem to be inevitable as soon as a couple decides to become exclusive.

Weight gain is partly to blame for the lowered libido, but like Sean said getting him off his ass and out of the house will help too.

But, out of curiousity, do you have other friends or a social network of your own that you can interact with independently of him?

Ah... Sure. I'd go out with my friends more if he didn't mind. But I think it bothers him when I go out, as my going out implies having lots of single people around, and dancing. He ain't comfortable with this - and I understand. I'd feel odd if his going out implied dancing as well. So I stick to classes.

As for typical girls nights, I dunno why but I find it hard to spend a lot of time with them, because they're all single. Their mind set is different, and it always seems that if I am honest and I talk about my problems, they immediately turn against my relationship. Single friends want to turn you into being single for some reason. I mean, it's enough to mention one bad thing he had done - they immediately say "drop him", or "he doesn't deserve you". That really pisses me off.

Another thing about me is that people drain my energy. Everybody with their weird story, family issues, loneliness and sorrows... It never ends.

I'd always felt that couples should be surrounded by other couples.

Anyhoo, I'd been tellin him for months to join the gym. He doesn't like the idea. Some people prefer outdoor activities. He's one of them. It's too bad - he's so talented when it comes to sports.

There's martial arts classes that meet in the park near me. Maybe there's some near you too?

Also, when you say that you go out dancing, I assume that you mean clubs? If so, there's tons of other things to do when you go out that don't include dancing or clubbing. You just have to get creative.

how long have you been in this relationship?

As for typical girls nights, I dunno why but I find it hard to spend a lot of time with them, because they're all single. Their mind set is different, and it always seems that if I am honest and I talk about my problems, they immediately turn against my relationship. Single friends want to turn you into being single for some reason. I mean, it's enough to mention one bad thing he had done - they immediately say "drop him", or "he doesn't deserve you". That really pisses me off.

This is so true. Damn, women are catty as hell! I've heard it's worse if you're married and hanging out with a bunch of divorced women. It must be hard for women to have real friendships with other women, it seems like they can turn into your rival at the drop of a hat. Lots of jealousy...

Another thing about me is that people drain my energy. Everybody with their weird story, family issues, loneliness and sorrows... It never ends.

I'd always felt that couples should be surrounded by other couples.

Yeah. I agree. Have you guys thought about joining a swingers club?

Just kidding.

I take salsa lessons. There are socials and salsa clubs, but, I don't go anymore out of courtesy. Also, I don't want to set a prescedent. As innocent as it could turn out, socials are full of single men and women, go figure.... So when I spot an obviously a-rhythmical person, I know they're there because it's a venue for dating, not because they really want to become a good dancer. And there's a sh*t load of this kind of ppl. I mean, there are 60 year old men there, mingling with a crowd in their 20's... Common... That's obvious BS. I'd tell you that it's ok if they were any good, but gimme a break: sweaty guys in their 60's who can't even walk at a normal pace, no sense of rhythm, arthritis and all... What are they trying to do... Sick. And I see people flirting and taking advantage of the unavoidable body contant.

I love to dance, thass all. I love to dance and sing, it's hereditary and I do it because I know I have what it takes, but some people are predators, and one has to watch out. So - as I said, I understand my bf's predicament.

That's why I stick to lessons, I take on more every following trimester, compensating for lack of socializing I guess. Doesn't hurt...

I sometimes wish my hobby were something that did not involve other men being around. But what can I do?:( It's a freggin' jugglin' act.

Could you describe what both of your days look like? The only time I can say I ever get tired of my husband is if he takes leave or we are on long distance trip couped up in the car too long. Don't believe the hype, not all relationships get boring with time. Going on 14 yrs(married 13) for us and I can honestly say that we aren't bored with each other. There is scientific evidence that suggests that the endorphin levels drop off at the 18month mark. Still that doesn't equate to boredom. Sounds like you fear this b/c it's happened in the past(guys dumping you b/c they are bored) You may be worrying for nothing. There's times i get bored around the house but it has NOTHING to do with my hubby. We ALL get bored in general from time to time...it's natural.

Could it be that you are bringing old baggage into your present relationship?
Do you guys live together?

Well, it could be.

Perhaps this whole "problem" wouldn't be there if we had more common interests?

On the other hand, I like people with different interests because they bring novelty to my life.

This is a complicated problem.

The thing about not every marriage (or relationship) becoming boring is quite understandable - it's all about different personalities. Some people prefer stability, no matter what. The routine makes them feel safe and comfy - I'm one of those ppl.

I'm afraid that my bf is not one of those ppl, if you get my drift. He is a nervous, antsy type who likes action and change... He is open and curious. I only allow myself to be that way when I'm single. Huge difference. I take people's insecurities way more into consideration than anyone else I'd ever known. Maybe it's just what being a woman is all about... Very often I find that it seems ok when he gets certain liberties, but at the same time, I couldn't even think of asking for similar consideration... But you know what...I already know that this is because he is the way he is...Not all men are the same. No need to remind me of this.

What you two might want to do is both take the meyers-briggs type indicator test and study the results. You'll both probably have some amazing insights about each other, and may even save your relationship from getting worse.

http://www.myersbriggs.org/

Hahah...:) trust me - we don't need no tests to tell us we're different personalities. We've discussed this once too often.

We've tried to separate, but both couldn't stand it. I think... we love each other inspite of our differences. Only time will tell.

Relationships are always challenging, and I don't really mind that. Best case scenario, they help us improve. Worse case scenario, they bring out the worst in us.

This particular relationship is a balancing act. But I always look back and see how much we've changed because of being together, and those differences just don't matter anymore... Maybe I'm a fool, I don't know. Love is fragile, I realize that, and I can only say that I try my best to cherish it, protect it. I don't give up easily.

Every relationship I had been in turns out the same. After a few years, there is talk about feeling smothered, spending too much time together, bedroom boredom will eventually settle in and sex becomes less frequent (and less pleasurable).

I've tried to break the boredom, but how many times can one re-invent oneself? At a certain point, familiarity becomes undeniable, there is absolutely nothing you don't know about that person, and there is no way you can change this fact, no matter how much money you spend on lingerie (or toys), movies, new ambience, make-up, clothing, beauty treatments etc.

I am discouraged. I feel that my partner is "antsy". But the weird thing is, it's pretty much one-sided. I wouldn't go out there looking for something new and different, and if I ask him, I know he'll say it's just my imagination.

On a brighter note, I am sure that feeling bored does not equal wanting to find a new partner. It's a problem that is fairly consistent with everyone and finding someone new is only a temporary "solution".

How can one find ways to improve this type of situation? Especially - how can you make someone not take your love for granted (a strategy that does not involve the risk of losing them)? I wouldn't want to do anything that involves making the partner insecure... Anyway, this is a complicated issue, advice would be appreciated.

Basically, bravely wade in and tell him what you've sensed, and be real with him about what you've mentioned to us here. Then, suck up your own insecurities and back off.
Men, in general, have a necessity to feel in control of their personal emotional situation. It's just the way they're "wired", so to speak. If you feel that you offer him something that he will value and miss, even if he should should temporarily seek other satisfaction, you need to have the confidence in yourself that he will finally realize this on his own, and come back to you. Willingly, and with a better appreciation of what you are worth as a partner. It's not easy, but it's better if he arrives at this realization on his own, without pressure. It's difficult, and there is no sure outcome, but you must remain confident in your own worth.
Good luck.

sounds like you may be bored, but you don't want to (or are afraid to) invest the energy in finding someone new... you just don't want to lose him because he is already there, right now... just a thought.

you're worrying about something that you don't even know is true, you just think that he might be bored....sounds like you're feeling a little insecure, let him know, maybe he can reassure you (or confirm your suspicion in which case you can take it on together).

she's looking for an excuse for things to go bad... I'd say she prob wants out.

Sometimes I wish I were coldblooded and completely incapable of emotion. That would eliminate any form of internal suffering.

But I'm quite emotional and every time I am separated from my partner, I feel like I'm missing a part of me. That is why I wish I wanted out, but I'm afraid it's quite the opposite.

I want him to stay, but I would like to see him more serene in his place... Unfortunately I analyse his every mood, every sentence, and my logic puts me in distress. I seem to find warning signs everywhere, and I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. Probably not... But then again, who has the almighty wisdom to know what's normal and what isn't?

Nevermind, time will tell.

Hugs, my dear. There rarely are easy answers, especially when you are dealing with an opposing personality in the person you love.

The best thing you can do at this point is to keep the lines of communication open verbally. Overthinking issues without his input can lead to misunderstanding on both sides.

How long have you been in the relationship? I know that hubby and I hit periodic "lows" in our relationship when sex tapers off a bit or we feel we are having too much "together time". But we always come back again naturally and things pick right back up. But these lulls have lasted as long as six months at a time and we've been married almost 13 years.

And I know you have expressed an interest in dancing but are there other things you can get into that don't feel threatening to your SO? A biking club? Yoga? Book clubs ot even different classes such as martial arts or even pottery? I notice that DH actively encourages me keeping my interests varied and open to new things, with or without him.

As for the sex, Optimus and Monster are right, the weight gain can definitely cause sexual issues, sompletely independant of any issue with you and exercise would be a definite help. Lack of feeling sexy and lowered self esteem has killed many a sex life. Ask many women who have gained weight in a relationship. And it has nothing to do with desire for their partners, merely loathing for themselves.

I hope I have helped in whatever small way.

For all of you who enjoy reading other people's pahetic stories, I have the update on the situation, and it is grim. My boyfriend finally antied up and said that he felt "smothered". He needs time to do his things. He feels like we're together all the time. He says he "doesn't know what he wants". He is talking about breaking up. He is "confused". those were his words amongst other bad things... He criticized me for two hours, mentioning things he didn't like - about me. A week before that, he held me a told me he loved me... But whatever. You guys don't know the entire history, but I am trying to make sense of all of this. He loves me today, he doesn't love me tomorrow has been the pattern.

I suppose you are going to say that I'm a fool, and that the only thing left would be to turn the page. I can't believe I am losing him... I love this man. He's slowly departing from my life. He's braking my heart. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't smile. I can't even go to work. I'm torn apart.

I don't know what to do with myself. Someone tell me what to do...

It sounds like you're both too invested in the relationship, to the detriment of the rest of your lives. You both need to do things that make you happy outside the relationship. This will allow you both to focus some positive energy on each other, instead of expecting all your positive energy to come from your partner.

For all of you who enjoy reading other people's pahetic stories, I have the update on the situation, and it is grim. My boyfriend finally antied up and said that he felt "smothered". He needs time to do his things. He feels like we're together all the time. He says he "doesn't know what he wants". He is talking about breaking up. He is "confused". those were his words amongst other bad things... He criticized me for two hours, mentioning things he didn't like - about me. A week before that, he held me a told me he loved me... But whatever. You guys don't know the entire history, but I am trying to make sense of all of this. He loves me today, he doesn't love me tomorrow has been the pattern.

I suppose you are going to say that I'm a fool, and that the only thing left would be to turn the page. I can't believe I am losing him... I love this man. He's slowly departing from my life. He's braking my heart. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't smile. I can't even go to work. I'm torn apart.

I don't know what to do with myself. Someone tell me what to do...

I've gotten the impression that you're the one who's been doing most of the "heavy lifting", so to speak, in this relationship for some time in order to keep it going, and to keep him content. Knowing that your partner isn't as involved as you are is a tough thing to confront and accept, but look at it this way: Wouldn't you ideally prefer a partner who also felt that the relationship is just as important as you do, and made his own efforts to keep it special for you both? A one-sided love is ultimately no great love at all. You need someone who has the desire and capacity to give back.
Yes, there will be some tough times ahead, but you'll eventually get through it, and love sometimes also has its way of finding people when they least expect it.

Ladies and gentlemen...It's over... He broke up with me. I'll never see him again...I am a very sad wreck... Sad is not the word. I think I'm traumatised... I feel sick... I can't sleep and must go to work tomorrow...how?...

He doesn't love me... My life seems very irrelevant right now... I miss him so much and I know I will miss him every second of every day that will follow... I am crying in front of this screen - I wish you could all see this pathetic wreck telling her pathetic story to a bunch of strangers... This pain is unbareable...

Your feelings are normal, everyone feels that way after a serious break up. Allow yourself to grieve, and then pick yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on. Pain is only temporary!

:(

Crappy.

Look on the bright side. Now you can go dancing again. :)

Don't ever stop doing what makes you happy just because your boyfriend asked you to. Your boyfriend must love you for who you really are, not who he wants you to be.

I'm so sorry it did not work out for you. Having done the divorce bit, I know it really sucks. Better times are ahead, though.

what Feenix and fairlyconserv said.

Hugs to you sweetie. You will get through this. And you will be able to go out and enjoy the things you were shutting yourself away from.