BonnieBon
07-02-2002, 01:08 AM
i guess there had to be some kinda heavy thing...after all it is dramatic bonniebon you're dealin with here... i know most of you might say "yeah right" but the persona i show here is nothing likr wht ii show in the real world.. in some ways..
so there is this thing that was built last summer in the woods-- it is a labyrinth...which i didn't even know about..or what it was..
it is this maze made out of rocks that you walk through, to ponder a questions, or a thought...or somethings... and when you get out, you are supposed to have an answer. so any of you who have kept up at all with the stuff I have spilled out on here might be able to drema up what kind of thing I was pondering.. so in the middle of the week, I visited the labyrinth and walked it, pondering that whole issue i am dealing with and specifically, how i need to be dealing with it... when i got out,i was like, okay, i didn't get THAT much from it.. like it helped a little, but I was almost disappointed...and not as moved as i expected to be.. so i put that aside...
then there were some things-- like activites during the week that are usually emotional for me.. one in particular. and it turned out to be really hard.. probably the most difficult it's ever been, but I didn't show that... for a lot of reasons... 1- because it was my first time as a counselor and i didn't want to fall apart in front of the kids.. 2- because i was so upset, and had been building to being a big mess for a while, i was worried I'd just start crying and not be able to stop... 3- because sooo much that was brought up by other people brought up things for me... but anyways, i was pretty much completely composed through all that...
then there is another thing that is even more emotional, and we didn't get to do it this week--- a lot of us felt cheated, because it is a big closure thing..
so then, it was transition day, the campers went home... for the first time, i was okay with them leaving.. we worked on setting up stuff...tearing other stuff down.. we all hung out together for a while...
then all the counselors went down to eat at a fast food place right down the mountain... there was this issue with driving arrangements and that was just the start of people getting bummed out.. Matt was kinda down... Lacey was bummed, and I was feeling pretty blah...but we were okay, and it was mostly a tired and cranky feeling.. then we ended up outside talking for a while and some of the others got clique-ey... but it was still like, oh whatever.. big wow..
then we went back up the mountain and my question from the labyrinth kicked me in the ass--- hard. i started thinking about it.. and I sat in the backseat (with oneof the counselors sleeping on my shoulder-- with his head that weighed a billion pounds... and was annoying me) and I just started crying alittle... but i just tried to take a deep breath and say, no..dont do this... but then I was choking back tears for the whole ride and trying not to let it show through my sunglasses.
so, no one really knew I was upset or anything.. then we went back up the mountain and hung out.. Matt had gotten over being bummed out for the most part, and lacey and I were pretty much bummed.
so i tried to just make the best of the day.. we packed up out stuff and hung out some more... then some time after 7, Lacey and Rachael wanted to go to the Labyrinth and I came with them.. they each went in, but i couldn't bring myself back in there... i just sat and watched.. they both got a little emotional... crying alittle, but not really overexcited.. we al trekked back up t the cabins and we ran into Matt... the three of them were talking about the labyrinth and i was listening.. and all of a sudden I started to cry... like.. i dont know.. it was weird. .i just kinda deflated... and i turned away and one of them saw that i was crying and they were like/whats wrong.. and i didn't say anything.. and they just kinda held me for a while, but i just couldn't calm down.. and so all four of us went for a walk.. we went over to the amphitheater and sat.. then it was all pitch black out by this time...and the three of them were just talking and i was still crying.. i couldn't really get out what was wrong, but i had talked to lacey and Rachel a little about it the night before, and i had said it was not about camp.. and so all three of them knew it wasn't about camp..then we headed back and ran into the rest of the counselors from our week and they were headed to the labyrinth so we all went.. and i just watched...(yeah..still a mess)... and after thatmthey wanted to go back up to craigs cabin where the staff was... and all the new staff members had showed up..so i walked back up there with them, but i was stil a mess, so i just sat down on the steps outrside the cabin and they went in to eat dinner... I just couldnt go in there, so i sat outside for a long time..lacey joined me for a while and offered to btring me food.. or whatever... and i just couldnt talk.. so finally she went back in.. I was feeling like i really wanted to be by myselkf, but i was pretty sure i needed to be with people.. it was just.. weird... i was out there for a really long time.. well over an hour, i think... then like 15 counselors left the cabin to go to another one to play Mafia... and then the medic from the week (who is my age) stopped and tried to talk to me... and he asked what was wrong.. and i didnt know what to say or how to explain it.. so i said it was a long story.. and he was like.. "well i have till 2 pm tomorrow.. is that enough time" but i wasnt about to sit and tell him my uber long story.. so i just explained that i had left a lot of Sh** down the mountain and was..worried about it, and facing it and all that kinda stuff.." and he wasn't going to just leave me sitting there along, so he brought me down to the lodge where one of the counselors and this guy who works at the facility were getting ready to jam on their guitars.. so we sat down on the couches and watched.. I was still a mess.. anthony (the medic) pulled me over to him, and I just sat there with my head on his shoulder and cried...but i was a lot calmer by this time... so we watched the two guitar guysjammin.. they were both reeally good, and i finally got composed.. then other counselors from this past week came down and we all went outside and just sat and talked... and then we walked to the mafia cabin and hung there for a while-- I was really ... i dont know.. .embarassed, especially because all the new counselors thought i was just all broken up about camp ending or the kids leaving.. i guess i was also a little uncomfortable about falling apart in front of the others.. but i think they got that i was just kind of a mess and needed to just release all of that.. .and i was really lucky to have had all of them there to take care of me...it says a lot about the trust up there that i allowed myself to be so vulnerable there when i've been dealing with Soooo much down te mountain yet have led everyone around me (except on here) that everything is pretty much peachy.. \
yeah.. it was just.. it was a weird night.. it was...scary.. I mean,i had thought to myself in term of "i dont want to lose composure because im afraid i will not be able to stop crying..." but i did not imagine it so literally.. I have never lost it like that.. i have had some emotional experiences.. but that was ridiculous.. i gues it was just month and months of needing that shoulder to cry on and not feeling like i could ...
so that night the counselors had a slumber party in the lodge and the new counselors slept in one of the cabins.. i thanked some of the counselors for being there for me the night before-- i need to thank the rest of them...
i think i worried some of them.. i definitely worried myself...but like matt was saying when i had broken down -- it was a good thing.. in a way.. i dont know if that makes sense, but it actually does make sense to me...
so now... im home...
but im not home-- and being up there on the mountain was the most home i'd been in a long time...
im still hoping a week will open up for another counselor and they'l have me back.. I do want to go back through the labyrinth.. but i couldnt handle it on that last morning so i didnt get to do it again...
so yeah.. lets see, what is left to say... that was a pretty intense experience.. and now im pretty much scared out of my mind, trying to figure out what to do about it.. what i came away with is handling it a whole lot differently than i've been handling it.. im not exactly sure how yet.. but i do need to talk about this with some of my friends.. and im already losing the nerve to do that...
yuck.. i miss camp.
so there is this thing that was built last summer in the woods-- it is a labyrinth...which i didn't even know about..or what it was..
it is this maze made out of rocks that you walk through, to ponder a questions, or a thought...or somethings... and when you get out, you are supposed to have an answer. so any of you who have kept up at all with the stuff I have spilled out on here might be able to drema up what kind of thing I was pondering.. so in the middle of the week, I visited the labyrinth and walked it, pondering that whole issue i am dealing with and specifically, how i need to be dealing with it... when i got out,i was like, okay, i didn't get THAT much from it.. like it helped a little, but I was almost disappointed...and not as moved as i expected to be.. so i put that aside...
then there were some things-- like activites during the week that are usually emotional for me.. one in particular. and it turned out to be really hard.. probably the most difficult it's ever been, but I didn't show that... for a lot of reasons... 1- because it was my first time as a counselor and i didn't want to fall apart in front of the kids.. 2- because i was so upset, and had been building to being a big mess for a while, i was worried I'd just start crying and not be able to stop... 3- because sooo much that was brought up by other people brought up things for me... but anyways, i was pretty much completely composed through all that...
then there is another thing that is even more emotional, and we didn't get to do it this week--- a lot of us felt cheated, because it is a big closure thing..
so then, it was transition day, the campers went home... for the first time, i was okay with them leaving.. we worked on setting up stuff...tearing other stuff down.. we all hung out together for a while...
then all the counselors went down to eat at a fast food place right down the mountain... there was this issue with driving arrangements and that was just the start of people getting bummed out.. Matt was kinda down... Lacey was bummed, and I was feeling pretty blah...but we were okay, and it was mostly a tired and cranky feeling.. then we ended up outside talking for a while and some of the others got clique-ey... but it was still like, oh whatever.. big wow..
then we went back up the mountain and my question from the labyrinth kicked me in the ass--- hard. i started thinking about it.. and I sat in the backseat (with oneof the counselors sleeping on my shoulder-- with his head that weighed a billion pounds... and was annoying me) and I just started crying alittle... but i just tried to take a deep breath and say, no..dont do this... but then I was choking back tears for the whole ride and trying not to let it show through my sunglasses.
so, no one really knew I was upset or anything.. then we went back up the mountain and hung out.. Matt had gotten over being bummed out for the most part, and lacey and I were pretty much bummed.
so i tried to just make the best of the day.. we packed up out stuff and hung out some more... then some time after 7, Lacey and Rachael wanted to go to the Labyrinth and I came with them.. they each went in, but i couldn't bring myself back in there... i just sat and watched.. they both got a little emotional... crying alittle, but not really overexcited.. we al trekked back up t the cabins and we ran into Matt... the three of them were talking about the labyrinth and i was listening.. and all of a sudden I started to cry... like.. i dont know.. it was weird. .i just kinda deflated... and i turned away and one of them saw that i was crying and they were like/whats wrong.. and i didn't say anything.. and they just kinda held me for a while, but i just couldn't calm down.. and so all four of us went for a walk.. we went over to the amphitheater and sat.. then it was all pitch black out by this time...and the three of them were just talking and i was still crying.. i couldn't really get out what was wrong, but i had talked to lacey and Rachel a little about it the night before, and i had said it was not about camp.. and so all three of them knew it wasn't about camp..then we headed back and ran into the rest of the counselors from our week and they were headed to the labyrinth so we all went.. and i just watched...(yeah..still a mess)... and after thatmthey wanted to go back up to craigs cabin where the staff was... and all the new staff members had showed up..so i walked back up there with them, but i was stil a mess, so i just sat down on the steps outrside the cabin and they went in to eat dinner... I just couldnt go in there, so i sat outside for a long time..lacey joined me for a while and offered to btring me food.. or whatever... and i just couldnt talk.. so finally she went back in.. I was feeling like i really wanted to be by myselkf, but i was pretty sure i needed to be with people.. it was just.. weird... i was out there for a really long time.. well over an hour, i think... then like 15 counselors left the cabin to go to another one to play Mafia... and then the medic from the week (who is my age) stopped and tried to talk to me... and he asked what was wrong.. and i didnt know what to say or how to explain it.. so i said it was a long story.. and he was like.. "well i have till 2 pm tomorrow.. is that enough time" but i wasnt about to sit and tell him my uber long story.. so i just explained that i had left a lot of Sh** down the mountain and was..worried about it, and facing it and all that kinda stuff.." and he wasn't going to just leave me sitting there along, so he brought me down to the lodge where one of the counselors and this guy who works at the facility were getting ready to jam on their guitars.. so we sat down on the couches and watched.. I was still a mess.. anthony (the medic) pulled me over to him, and I just sat there with my head on his shoulder and cried...but i was a lot calmer by this time... so we watched the two guitar guysjammin.. they were both reeally good, and i finally got composed.. then other counselors from this past week came down and we all went outside and just sat and talked... and then we walked to the mafia cabin and hung there for a while-- I was really ... i dont know.. .embarassed, especially because all the new counselors thought i was just all broken up about camp ending or the kids leaving.. i guess i was also a little uncomfortable about falling apart in front of the others.. but i think they got that i was just kind of a mess and needed to just release all of that.. .and i was really lucky to have had all of them there to take care of me...it says a lot about the trust up there that i allowed myself to be so vulnerable there when i've been dealing with Soooo much down te mountain yet have led everyone around me (except on here) that everything is pretty much peachy.. \
yeah.. it was just.. it was a weird night.. it was...scary.. I mean,i had thought to myself in term of "i dont want to lose composure because im afraid i will not be able to stop crying..." but i did not imagine it so literally.. I have never lost it like that.. i have had some emotional experiences.. but that was ridiculous.. i gues it was just month and months of needing that shoulder to cry on and not feeling like i could ...
so that night the counselors had a slumber party in the lodge and the new counselors slept in one of the cabins.. i thanked some of the counselors for being there for me the night before-- i need to thank the rest of them...
i think i worried some of them.. i definitely worried myself...but like matt was saying when i had broken down -- it was a good thing.. in a way.. i dont know if that makes sense, but it actually does make sense to me...
so now... im home...
but im not home-- and being up there on the mountain was the most home i'd been in a long time...
im still hoping a week will open up for another counselor and they'l have me back.. I do want to go back through the labyrinth.. but i couldnt handle it on that last morning so i didnt get to do it again...
so yeah.. lets see, what is left to say... that was a pretty intense experience.. and now im pretty much scared out of my mind, trying to figure out what to do about it.. what i came away with is handling it a whole lot differently than i've been handling it.. im not exactly sure how yet.. but i do need to talk about this with some of my friends.. and im already losing the nerve to do that...
yuck.. i miss camp.